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**standing on the sidelines** · 03-24-2009, 06:35 AM

why should he not have joint custody of the child you and he share?? Sure you may have been making all the drs appts etc but most of the time that is what the person who has physical custody does. He seems to want to be an active father and I see no reason for him not to be. As for him not suggesting a differerent school or daycare when you ssid where you wanted her to go, it seems to be like he agreed with your decision. It seems like you expected/wanted him to disagree so there would be an arguement. IMHO it looks like you need a little guidence on co-parenting with your ex. Not every decision has to be a major thing. If he agrees with you on something then be happy about that and move on. Would you rather have him fight you on every single detail??

**nixster** · 03-24-2009, 09:59 AM

BabyBee
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I agree with “standing on the sidelines”. You really don’t give a valid reason for sole custody other than you’re the mother.
BabyBee, I suspect you are after the CS cheque!

**BabyBee** · 03-24-2009, 10:15 AM

I want him around by all means i would like to have joint physical custody with him its just i would like sole legal custody just for the fact that i know that he wont agree with me on most things and he will not compromise with me on anything, right now we have an agreed to interim custody where in it i have sole custody and he has visits with her, its hard to explain why i want it without have to write a 10 page post as to what goes on everyday with him.

now to nixster - i don't care about his money in the least he doesn't work and has far less money then i do, and him being on welfare i couldn't get a dine out of him i don't ask him for money ever when he offers it i will take it but he wouldn't let me say no anyways, i have more then enough money to get by with and don't need nor want his.

**FL_Needs_To_Change** · 03-24-2009, 10:19 AM

Originally posted by BabyBee View Post

So what would his chances be i just don't want to put my daughter through all the fighting of whats going to happen with her in the future or have her watch us have to go back and forth to court all the time, its not good for her and he doesn't see that he just knows that he wants it weather its whats best for her or not.

It *IS* possible to disagree on issues without the child ever knowing. It would be the job of both parents to make certain that any communications are not within ear shot of the child, nor at any time in any place that can potentially be overheard. That is why I suggest written communications. It also has the benefit of a paper trail.
There is also no reason for her to know that you are even going to court, a simple statement along the lines of, "Mommy has to discuss some adult things with dad, and I'll be back and we can spend some time together later doing something special". No further explanation is necessary. This is all adult issues and should be shielded from the child at every turn. Both parents must to go out of their way to ensure this.
The odds of anything in FL are never guaranteed, one can speculate but generally both parents are afforded the rights to custody of the child(ren) until and only if it can be proven otherwise.

**BabyBee** · 03-24-2009, 10:25 AM

i agree with you there but its still going to make everyone's life harder if me and my ex have to spend months going back and forth to court because hes not will to compromise, it will mean time off work/school, lost money, lost time with the child... and most of our talking is done on msn or through emails and he finally caught on that every conversation we have on msn is saved on my computer and backed up on disk.... i'm just unsure of how well joint would work because of the way he is he doesn't try and keep us fighting away from our daughter i have had to kick him out of my house because he was yelling at me while holding her. I know i don't want it to be around her.

**BabyBee** · 03-24-2009, 10:27 AM

i guess i should have added in my OP that me and my ex were never married and that we did live together but only for 9 days... we broke up when i was 5-6 weeks pregnant with our daughter.

**FL_Needs_To_Change** · 03-24-2009, 01:44 PM

That certainly changes things.
However, it still is possible for a court to order shared.
The parents would have to be able to put aside their personal differences and deal with the issues surrounding the child.
Then save any other conflict to be discussed over the telephone or in writing.

If he can do this and you can do this, it is possible for shared.
If he has a history of putting his feelings in the foreground forgetting the child, like arguing with you while holding her, then he wouldn't hold allot of hope for shared.
Of course this doesn't mean that you are always going to agree and get along, even married happy couples disagree and have the odd argument.
Sometimes these are hard to keep from the kids but how each parents conducts themselves once they realize they are involving the child and change then again shared is possible.
Courts want to have both parents involved as much as possible.
The onus is on the parent seeking sole to show just cause.

**kamkatie** · 03-24-2009, 02:00 PM

FL - courts generally try to stick with the status quo don't they? In which case, wouldn't the onus be on the person trying to change things to prove why it needs to be changed?

**BabyBee** · 03-24-2009, 03:55 PM

FL - i understand what you are saying, but our issue is we get along until he or i bring up something to do with our daughter, if we were Just talking random things it wouldn't be an issue, but as soon as we try and talk about anything about her he will pick a fight with me, like today for example he asked me on msn if he could have her for a few hours on thursday and i said i had plans, and they involved her, and he made it into a big fight about how whenever he asks to see her for an extra visit i am bizzy and she is always going with me, but i have many friends with kids and we like to set up play dates i make almost all my plans to involve her because she is always with me anyway so why would i not do things that involve her.I later sent him a text saying he could have her at 2:30 until six because i will be home between those times. He has only asked for an extra visit like 3-4 times and because i have been bizzy those days he thinks its just because i don't want to let her go with him.

just to let you know our visits right now are set at a day visit minamum of once per week he takes her for 8 hours one day on the weekend. we had agreed to that at one of our court dates the main reasons why it was set at long visits once a week was because he lived an hour away and we had to rely on other peoplefor driving i don't have a car and neither does he, now he is in my town and would be fine with it being more but i would want them to be shorter. It would change to less time but more often when we go back if it wasn't going to be starting over nights 1 night every other weekend and alternating tuesdays and thursdays.

kamkatie - that what i thought to but i donno i dont know a whole lot about this stuff.

**kamkatie** · 03-24-2009, 04:04 PM

BabyBee, I know you were responding to FL but I just wanted to add my two cents. If your child's dad is asking to spend time with the child and he gives you a reasonable amount of advance warning you should let him see his child. My ex asked to see our kids over March break. This was after I had already made all the daycare arrangements, playdates, etc for the week. He gave me two days notice. My daughter was supposed to spend two of those days with my parents and my neice. I cancelled the plans with my parents so he could see his children. I was disappointed, my parents were disappointed and to a certain extent so was my daughter. I assured her that she would get make-up time with grandma and grandpa later. What matters is that she got to spend time with her dad. Now personally, I can't stand the man, he is abusive (to me, never the kids) and the only contact I will have with him is via email. Its tough but you really need to recognize the importance of your child's father in her (his?) life. Please, please don't interfere with his access unless you have a really good reason. Perhaps you could suggest a minimum of 48, 72 etc hours notice if he wants to request additional time.

**BabyBee** · 03-24-2009, 04:30 PM

kamkatie - o i completely agree with you and i would have canceled my plans if i could but its my aunt who my daughter has only ever seen once she is from alberta and is leaving to go back home on friday, the other time that i have turned him down for extra time with her is because he asks the day he wants to do it and i have asked and it in the order that he need to give me and least 24 hours notice. he had 2 extra visits with her last week and i don't have issues giving him more time if he had of asked any other day but he is going to take her for 2:30 till 6.

**kamkatie** · 03-24-2009, 04:33 PM

Glad to hear it. That being said I want to commend you on your effort to include your daughter in so many activities with you. I wish more of my friends had kids so I could combine playdates!!!

**BabyBee** · 03-24-2009, 04:35 PM

ya i lost most of my friends who don't have kids when i had my daughter so i made a point to make some new ones that had kids.

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