Items in hindsight

[Kimberley]

As the title says, I am looking for everyone's ideas/thoughts on items that I will be requesting in my order/answer when my ex files the divorce papers - this is supposed to be done prior to the November 18th court date, so I am trying to get prepared beforehand for my response.
While I do not know what he will be putting in his application that I either will be agreeing or disagreeing to, I will certainly be adding/re-iterating things from and in addition to my submission to the family courts.
Now I do have an idea of what I am requesting for the order, but I want to ensure I cover all the bases so that I don't end up with an 'in hindsight & have to go back to court' issue.
Now some things I may request might seem 'wrong' to some here, but please understand that every situation is different, and only I could possibly know what my ex has said or done in the past that makes me feel as though it's best that I add these things. Also, while I understand that the court may not add some items to the order, it's best to have requested than to have never requested at all. So, without having to go into a long history of the case, some of the things I will be requesting are:

• Sole physical custody of the children
• Child support under the guidelines
• Retroactive support
• Ex not able to take children from the province without my prior written consent
• Every 2nd Sunday access from 9am to 7pm
• My ability to make decisions regarding the children's medical, educational & religious upbringing without consent of the ex
• My ability to apply for/hold passports for the children without consent of the ex
• No contact order against his girlfriend to remain in effect until the children turn 16
• Ability to have the police enforce the order
• Yearly tax & assessments to be provided to me no later than July 1 each year

I do have more in a document on my other computer, but the contents fail me at the moment. But anything others can see who are more familiar and have been through such things would be of great help.

As I said, please do not take a stand as though I am being unreasonable. There is more to things than can be seen on the surface, and every case is unique, thus what may have worked for you doesn't necessarily mean that it will work for others.

Thanks to all

[logicalvelocity]

• Sole physical custody of the children
• Child support under the guidelines
• Retroactive support
• Ex not able to take children from the province without my prior written consent
• Every 2nd Sunday access from 9am to 7pm
• My ability to make decisions regarding the children's medical, educational & religious upbringing without consent of the ex
• My ability to apply for/hold passports for the children without consent of the ex
• No contact order against his girlfriend to remain in effect until the children turn 16
• Ability to have the police enforce the order
• Yearly tax & assessments to be provided to me no later than July 1 each year

Thanks to all

Andrewskim,

Without knowing the facts its difficult to determine whether or not your stance is reasonable or unreasonable. However, I'll give some generic comments on the relief your seeking.

• Sole physical custody of the children -- Best interest applied. Heavy onus on you to demonstrate that your plan of care is best for the children. Keep in mind without an order or Separation; Both parents have coextensive custody of the children.
  
• Child support under the guidelines --Thats a given depending on the regime of the children.
  
• Retroactive support--Dependent on the regime. Courts will only order retroactive amounts only to the date of the claim.
  
• Ex not able to take children from the province without my prior written consent -- Heavy onus on you to demonstrate why this will be required. On the face of it it sort of suggests controlling conduct.
  
• Every 2nd Sunday access from 9am to 7pm -- Access is determined by applying best interest test. Every second sunday is not the normal rubber stamp access. The onus is on you to demonstrate. It is noted that you have no provisions for the children to spend their holidays with both parents equally.
  
• My ability to make decisions regarding the children's medical, educational & religious upbringing without consent of the ex -- If your granted sole custody, this is a given. Keep in mind that the Courts have the discretion to break up any incident of custody. Once this is done, it pretty much is some form of joint custody.
  
• My ability to apply for/hold passports for the children without consent of the ex--you will have to demonstrate why it is in the best interests of the children that you have this responsibility solely.
  
• No contact order against his girlfriend to remain in effect until the children turn 16-- You will have to demonstrate why this is required. No doubt the other parent will contest same. It appears a trial will be on the horizon.
  
• Ability to have the police enforce the order --Good luck with this. Courts don't like to issue this type of order. Heavy onus on you to demonstrate why
  
• Yearly tax & assessments to be provided to me no later than July 1 each year-- This is a common order. Moreover the default of the law provides such!

lv

[Kimberley]

Whew, ok let me try to whittle this down a bit

• Sole physical custody of the children -- Best interest applied. Heavy onus on you to demonstrate that your plan of care is best for the children. Keep in mind without an order or Separation; Both parents have coextensive custody of the children.

There is an interim in place right now, with sole to me. I have had the kids 100% of the time - he's exercised 7 visits with the kids in 16 months - I specifically asked the court to give him access in hopes he would follow it & see the kids

• Child support under the guidelines --Thats a given depending on the regime of the children.

As I said, interim in place already - access noted above

• Retroactive support--Dependent on the regime. Courts will only order retroactive amounts only to the date of the claim.

Verbal offer was made by him as of May 2007 on the urging of CAS which he refused to continue to pay after $800 worth. When I attempted to approach the issue with him it was met with very nasty verbal abuse & he would cut off access to the kids for a couple months - so I stopped asking in hopes he would visit the kids

• Ex not able to take children from the province without my prior written consent -- Heavy onus on you to demonstrate why this will be required. On the face of it it sort of suggests controlling conduct.

Explanation will be further down

• Every 2nd Sunday access from 9am to 7pm -- Access is determined by applying best interest test. Every second sunday is not the normal rubber stamp access. The onus is on you to demonstrate. It is noted that you have no provisions for the children to spend their holidays with both parents equally.

This is already court ordered. The court was on the fence at even giving him access due to other issues involved (more on that further down)

• My ability to make decisions regarding the children's medical, educational & religious upbringing without consent of the ex -- If your granted sole custody, this is a given. Keep in mind that the Courts have the discretion to break up any incident of custody. Once this is done, it pretty much is some form of joint custody.

Again, I have had them 100%, he moves, does not provide me with an address or phone number, will not even tell me where he works.

• My ability to apply for/hold passports for the children without consent of the ex--you will have to demonstrate why it is in the best interests of the children that you have this responsibility solely.

Yep, need to provide the bulk of this below I'd say

• No contact order against his girlfriend to remain in effect until the children turn 16-- You will have to demonstrate why this is required. No doubt the other parent will contest same. It appears a trial will be on the horizon.

There is already an order in effect - at this time it lasts until December 2009, this is an order from the criminal courts.

• Ability to have the police enforce the order --Good luck with this. Courts don't like to issue this type of order. Heavy onus on you to demonstrate why

Involves order with the criminal courts


Ok lets see. His girlfriend (soon to be wife once divorce is final) was charged with, and sentenced to assault with a weapon on my then 8 yr old son for beating him about the buttocks, above kidneys & lower back with the hard plastic tubing from a vacuum cleaner hose. She was given a 90 day conditional to be served in the community along with a further 15 month probation - no contact directly or indirectly with the children or myself, not to be within 100 metres of our residence.
The children did not tell me of the incident right away when the ex returned them home 24 hours after the beating, yes he was aware of it, this is all documented with the police. The no contact is also listed in the interim order, thus I am going to request a continuation of this past the December 2009 criminal court order as I feel the children would be more emotionally mature to understand that someone hurting them is wrong, and it's ok to tell an adult.
The ex has not been involved in their life in any way other than the very short visits with them (90 minutes) prior to my requesting the court order a clearly defined access days/times to give the kids those visits to look forward to and to be able to plan around them - thus finally being able to see their father. His lack of visitation previously was of his own doing. I stopped asking if he would help clothe or feed the kids, and I simply decided that the best thing I could do was to cut myself back to eating a yogurt or some toast once every day or 2, but telling the children I had eaten something at work during the day, so I was full when they would get worried that I wasn't eating - of course the weight loss was a plus.. This way, I had hoped that if I just stopped asking him for any help, he would visit, or even call the kids - but that didn't really even work at all.

I have never denied him access when he did ask, and that was only with about 2 hours notice from him - so I've bent over backwards to try & have the kids get time with him.
He has moved numerous times, each time he moves further away - as it stands, he is now an hour from the kids. He never once informed us of his moving, does not provide an address or even a phone number.
When our oldest graduated from grade 8, I even paid for a spot for the ex to be present at the graduation, but he ignored my requests that he come see his own child graduate.
He does nothing for their education at all. The school gave up on my request to even send him copies of their report cards, as they moved so many times in the last 3 years, without setting up mail forwarding, that the mail started to simply be returned.
He has done nothing for their medical/health - he hasn't even a clue who their family doctor is - in fact, when we were still together he never took the kids to the doctor, I always did all that stuff.
I pay for their dental/medicine benefits through work - he refused to provide me with any employment/insurance information for the children after numerous requests, or claimed that they were not on his plan, just his girlfriend & new family.

Not sure if I am missing adding anything to that to explain my requests, but I hope that gives a general idea as to the whys.

Thanks for your response

[standing on the sidelines]

Kind of looks like all you want is the status quo enforced. Cannot blame you for that. Of course he will probably fight all he can just to make it difficult for you and then ignore the court ordered stuff even if he gets what he wants like more visitation etc.. From what you have written he is not going to be up for a father of the year award any time soon.

[Kimberley]

Basically, yes, but I do feel that due to the history of his behaviour etc, it's best that I deal with all matters from the get-go rather than leaving things for the future - which means more court.
The visitation he has is all he would agree to. He's stated that he does not have time for anything more than that (via his lawyer) and is not interested in looking for more time with them. That includes holidays. Last Christmas he simply dropped off gifts, did not speak to the kids & left - so he was there for about 5 minutes.

[Reilly's_Mom]

Sounds like your ex is related to mine when it comes to those situations. *sigh*

AndrewsKim, I've been reading a lot of your posts on various boards. I have the utmost respect and admiration for your tenacity and strength to do right by your children..and you do it "professionally" (whereas I'll be the first to admit that my ex has caused such grief and strife that I "lose it" lol)

I wish you the VERY best of luck. Go get 'em tiger.

[dadtotheend]

AndrewsKim, I've been reading a lot of your posts on various boards. I have the utmost respect and admiration for your tenacity and strength to do right by your children

I agree. Way to go AK.

[Kimberley]

Thanks Guys - and gals
I'm trying my best to keep fighting for what the kids deserve, as they shouldn't be doing without their basic needs until I am able to find a way to budget the money to afford those things. They did not ask for the situation that occurred, so they should not have to be the ones to suffer.
No child should be forced to do without basic necessities; it's just too bad not all parents think that way.

[logicalvelocity]

AK,

I've been away and just getting back to this now.

Wow, quite the circumstance. Sadly, it appears your ex is not too child centered. No one can force that parent to exercise the children's access. If it was me, personally I would pursue child support.

One day your ex, may realize the result of his conduct. Hopefully, for the sake of the children, its not too late.