what is most likely?

[greenwood]

wife left for another man, lives with him, 3 kids at home with me (one independant) children won't see her, she flaunted her affair and he also was threatening...alot of sh*t...soon is settlement conference...she will not budge on one single item, continues to take from the home without notice or accounting...question...only 2 issues that make any difference...2 amounts for pension (hers, retirement age) and home appraisels are different...what is the judge going to suggest...we are 50k apart and I have moved 35k toward her # and she wants her # or "see you in court" she has not paid CS (and is very able to do so, espeacially now living with BF in his home...she has almost no bills what so ever)...we will bring up (motion ) for child support after an agreement...
I beleive, her dad beleives, friends beleive that she is being foolish, to not settle, to go from a 25year marriage and move in with this scum bag (he has dated other married women and she knows it...he is divorced because of his infidelity 10 years ago) now he is calling the shots ...my offer from day one (before legal costs )is more than what she will get now (not to mention her costs) but he told her not to take my offer.
because I have the kids will a judge lean some what to a higher percentage of items (she has 60% now but won't admit it and says she doesn't) and she has hidden two seperate bank accounts (15k between them)...the BF also took my boat from storage and has it at his house, police won't do anything.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

wife left for another man, lives with him, 3 kids at home with me (one independant) children won't see her, she flaunted her affair and he also was threatening...alot of sh*t...soon is settlement conference...she will not budge on one single item, continues to take from the home without notice or accounting

Without a legal separation in place clearly stating which things are hers and which things are yours, then the assumption, even if you call the police to report a theft, is that all items until further notice remain the property of both parties. It happened to me, ex came when I was out, crawled in through a window and cleaned me out, left me with just the kids beds, and cloths, and my cloths. Police said they could not charge him since we did not have an agreement clarifying who owns what. So he basically took his own belongings.

...question...only 2 issues that make any difference...2 amounts for pension (hers, retirement age) and home appraisels are different...what is the judge going to suggest...we are 50k apart and I have moved 35k toward her # and she wants her # or "see you in court" she has not paid CS (and is very able to do so, espeacially now living with BF in his home...she has almost no bills what so ever)...we will bring up (motion ) for child support after an agreement...

I think if you clearly indicate that you had provided an initial report, then subsequently reduced that report to be 35K closer to hers in good faith, the judge may lean in your favour. Documentation is the key here for any court appearance as a judge has no first hand knowledge and it is basically a "he said she said" game. So in order to prove your point, mention this change, and document your claims.

because I have the kids will a judge lean some what to a higher percentage of items (she has 60% now but won't admit it and says she doesn't) and she has hidden two seperate bank accounts (15k between them)...the BF also took my boat from storage and has it at his house, police won't do anything.

Generally the courts tend to order the matrimonial home to the custodial parent to allow for some consistency in the lives of the children involved. With that comes the household basic items like the large appliances, children’s belongings and furnishings etc. The split for the value of the home and contents are on a dollar value for which one party buys out the equity to the other not in the home. I would think because she basically took things to the tune of 60% of the content that they would rule in your favour for asset splitting. Document all that she has taken, if you have receipts or account statements showing these items being bought, then the judge will minus all the costs from her share of the asset split. Thus she would ultimately receive less of a financial award in the end.

I do not understand why a police officer would not do anything about the boat unless it fall under the same rule I mentioned above, that she still has legal ownership as well. This is one of those items that you would have to show that she now has in her possession, and that she owes you half of the fair market value if she chooses to keep it..

[greenwood]

if my appraisel is say 50k lower than hers (her appraisel not completed yet) will the judge not just use the median # of the two appraisels? (this is why I moved toward her position, I figured I wouldn't get my numbers and she wouldn't get hers, so I compromised and beyond) same thing with her pension...she let go her first lawyer becuase she felt he was compromising (with me) and wanted him to not budge...she owes me back CS and property tax (her portion) and other incidentals...she may very well walk away with nothing and still have costs...all becuase she (and he) wanted it all...I still question why or how a mother can leave her family, for another (affair partner) and be so angry , bitter, and spiteful...and to exspect everything (intitlement...narrcassism?)...she wants the kids to get over this, accept him and stay with her at his house...and for all of us to be happy for her (told the kids they were being selfish for shutting her out).

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

It's obvious that she is NOT child centered, she is focused on her desires and wants.
Stay child focused and you will come out ahead, and not just financially.
Stay your course, a judge may well take the median on the asset splitting, make sure to provide as much documentation as possible and do not bash the ex's life style or position as that is not up for debate, and the judge will notice who is thinking of the kids and who is thinking of themselves.

Best of luck to you, try not to worry!
I know that can be exceptionally hard at times, but you owe it to the kids and you owe it to yourself.

[dadtotheend]

Get that child support rolling and soon.

[Maggie82]

I know the last thought on your mind is child support, but try to get on top of that. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get the arrears you are due. Think of your children first, and as FL said, the judge will see who is the one who has the children's interest at heart. (By the way, we also deal with a bio-mom who thinks of her needs/wants first, and then tries to play them off to benefit my stepson. Sadly enough, this works, and the courts are blind to it. Hence, she still has primary physical custody, despite the fact that we do more for the child than she does.) Good luck to you!

[greenwood]

my lawyer has not really pushed the CS thing because (and I agree) that the way she is acting, without logic (even for her own sake) she will (and has been) get angrier when the reality of (her paying) child support sets in she will try even harder to get only her figures and have us both spend more money with lawyers (she can now handle legal costs because she has no kids and lives with him and has no exspenses)...our plan was to settle, sign, then within the week put our motion in for CS...perhaps even just ask for it (she would have offered it herself but her new BF has been thru this and will again advise her to try and fight it and get her to try and guilt me to not accept it as a man should not ask for it) ...I will ask you all again, for anyone that has been to a settlement hearing, is it more than likely the judge advise we go to median #'s concerning any differences of financial opinions such as home appraisels and pension values...this, she believes for some strange reason, will go in her favour...that's why she has not budged...my lawyer, his colleagues and other professionals all think that for two professionals atheir age and exsperience (her and her BF) are acting very irrationally and are digging their (her) own grave both in court and with our children...my kids have sworn never to meet him, never attend any wedding of theirs and not even ask her to their weddings (I know they are angry with her and have no respect for either one...but it's been nearly a year and they are getting more adement about the their feelings toward them both)...am I missing something, am I over confident that rational thinking (fair and compromised figures) will be advised espeacially considering that she has left the home, the kids, moved in with a BF within a month of announcing seperation, travelled for 8 weeks this year already with him (one planned the week of seperation) taken all household items with out notice , compromise or accounting, hidden 2 accounts (money) and not paid any support to date, and sees the kids about 2 hours a month (when she is not busy with shit head)

[dadtotheend]

You aren't that far apart on the appraisals, at a settlement conference the judge will try to mediate between you, pressure you, but not make an order on you. You are not far apart on property division, certainly not far enough apart to be worth litigating for very long.

If she has a half a brain or worse, a lawyer acting on her behalf, don't think for a second that you will be surprising her a week later with a CS motion, she knows what's around the corner. On the other hand, your lawyer might like the idea of stringing it out for a little while until another motion.

I would tell her or her lawyer that you are interested in settling all of this as quickly as possible and if you can't reach agreement you will be off to court tomorrow with an application for sole custody, child support, and property division.

And then do it.

Spousal support could be an issue, don't know enough from your facts to comment on that. But for you to be the primary caregiver for three kids and no CS has been paid? Some folks have word to describe that kind of parent.

Speaking of words, be careful, don't describe people as scum bags or shit heads, even if they are. That can come back to hurt you, not to mention that it reinforces stressful feelings. It's very hard I know, but it's the right thing to do to be and appear to be reasonable.

Good luck, get that CS going.

[greenwood]

thanks, I know not to speak poorly of anyone to anyone, here I feel a safe outlet...
we make the same money/year so no spousal support will be involved...she knows the CS is comeing, but refuses to give any until forced...eg. she had taken a leaf blower that my mother owns (he did, she didn't even know what he was taking when she let him into our home) and still has not returned it 10 months later...he took my boat 4 months ago and has it at his home, she knows it's mine but will wait till I spend lawyers fees to retrieve it...she did all this why put me thru this ...I'd feel remorse and compassion if I had an affair, I'd leave her with everything if I met someone else and moved in with them (espeacially if they had lots of money all ready).

there is no question I have the children, there will not even be sleepovers with her...a phone call once in a while and perhaps dinner and shopping once in a while...kids choice and HER own court appointed parenting therapist/mediator advised us both of that scheduale (or lack there of) that was something she tried to sway the courts or me to let her take the kids 50/50 but the therapist did not agree with her choices and relationship decisions thru out this ordeal (she beleives she has done nothing wrong)

[standing on the sidelines]

is there some type of ownership papers for a boat?? (not sure if it works like a car) If there is and your name is on it, have him charged with theft.

Get those kids into therapy. They have a lot of anger and hostility and that is not good for them.

[greenwood]

I am not worried aboat the boat, I want it back and I can get it back (by taking it) any time...but I don't want her (them) to have one bad thing to use against me...I think they are hoping I will take it..setting me up...more important is the kids...they seem fine, they never got along with even before this all was sprung upon us...they are hurt and know she cheated (within 24 hours of saying it's over to all of us, she went on a date , told us his name and he picked her up around the corner from our home) the kids have seen a therapist (about 3-4 months in) and I was not privy to what was said but even their therapist said they shouldn't see their mom ...now my wifes therapist says no sleep overs any more (she had our youngest 50/50 for the first few months but the guy slept over every night since day one ...swore about my daughters friends to her and called her mother stupid in front of her...this guy has 5 kids that supposedly are messed up...drugs drop outs moved out swear like him, tattoos body and facial piercings...no big deal but we don't even swear at our home...my wife now tells me to F off everytime she ends a conversation with me...we fought less than a dozen times in 25 years of marriage and never called names...now she wears Harley gear, swears cheats obviously lies and chose another guy over her kids)

[greenwood]

ok guys , need advice and support...I go to our settlement hearing next friday, neither of us has submitted our briefs yet, we are supposed to by this Friday and she by next Monday...what will happen, she has not let us know the outcome of the appraisel (of the home) and still believes that a judge will just choose her appraisel over mine and her pension (retirement age) not the alternative date. (nor the median #, suggested by our original mediator and her first lawyer) these figures , if not a median # make a big difference to me (espeacially after spending 12k on legal costs and we have not even been to court yet)...is there any one that has had a difference in financial scenarios heading into their settlement hearing and it went entirely the other spouses way?
Remember she has hidden two accounts with money , she lives with her "other man", she has not paid any child support (11 months) the children are with me (no sleepovers allowed with her...other man issue) she has taken (my calculations) 60% of house hold items without notice, consultation/agreement or accounting...and the boyfriend took my boat and has it at his home (her home now too I guess)...which was on my side of ledger (has had it for 4 months, supposedly for the purpose of appraisel) she has not budged since day one and I have offered three different amounts at 3 different dates...no acceptance by her, no counter-offer but her full amount...is she being foolish (selfish) or am I not seeing something?

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

The purposes of a settlement conference includes,

(a) exploring the chances of settling the case;
(b) settling or narrowing the issues in dispute;
(c) ensuring disclosure of the relevant evidence;
(d) noting admissions that may simplify the case;
(e) if possible, obtaining a view of how the court might
decide the case;
(f) considering any other matter that may help in a quick
and just conclusion of the case;
(g) if the case is not settled, identifying the witnesses and other evidence to be presented at trial, estimating the time needed for trial and scheduling the case for trial; and
(h) organizing a trial management conference, or holding one if appropriate.

A case conference or settlement conference is one of the most potent weapons counsel have at their disposal to move a case to conclusion and should be the first option considered where negotiations have started to drag.

I suspect the judge will push some of the settlement issues to a resolution. I think you are in a very good position. You have offered several options and every time she has not mediated, if she is unwilling to change her position she is not mediating, she's stone walling, and that will not sit well with the courts.

[greenwood]

thanks, that was great reply/information...is there anything I should or shouldn't include in my breif? living with boyfriend (dated openly within 24 hours of seperation), 10 weeks of holiday/vacations within the last 10 months yet no child support (I have not asked for any , we will give the motion the same day...we earn the same amount yet she now has no bills or responsibilties to speak of) taking of the boat (obvious spite) definitly hiding of yet another sum of money...I am trying to keep focus on the needs of the family, but the incidents of flaunting and choosing him over the kids (needs) is so evident...she claims (to her friends and family) that she sees the kids all the time (and talks on the phone with them all the time) yet I know it's been only 2-3 hours per month and they almost never answer her calls (our son has spoken only once in 11 months) and our middle daughter has seen or spoken to her once in 2.5 months...they were and are witness to her lying about her relationship and cover ups, and she does not ask them over since moving in with him (she knows they will not consider this) and has accused them all of being selfish (sorry if this is repetitive). all I am hopeing is that the judge will some how get thru to them that they will not likely get her #'s over mine, that it will more than likely be the median #'s for the only two issues under debate...home value and pension...thas how I cam e up with my offers...but she has now racked up a large amount oweing to me for CS and property taces owed.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

thanks, that was great reply/information...is there anything I should or shouldn't include in my breif? living with boyfriend (dated openly within 24 hours of seperation),

Under NO circumstances should you mention her behaviour as this tends to look bad on you to the courts, you MUST remain child centered and avoid any form of humiliation or bashing of the ex. This is not about how she acted or when she started cheating or how open it was, unfortunately this has no bearing on the case.

10 weeks of holiday/vacations within the last 10 months yet no child support (I have not asked for any , we will give the motion the same day...we earn the same amount yet she now has no bills or responsibilties to speak of)

Although you have not asked for support it IS her obligation, even with an equal income to yours, to pay for support of the children. There is no gray area with this. She pays relative to her income and your income is not factored in until there is a request for SS or extraordinary expenses for the children.

taking of the boat (obvious spite) definitly hiding of yet another sum of money...I am trying to keep focus on the needs of the family, but the incidents of flaunting and choosing him over the kids (needs) is so evident...she claims (to her friends and family) that she sees the kids all the time (and talks on the phone with them all the time) yet I know it's been only 2-3 hours per month and they almost never answer her calls (our son has spoken only once in 11 months) and our middle daughter has seen or spoken to her once in 2.5 months...they were and are witness to her lying about her relationship and cover ups, and she does not ask them over since moving in with him (she knows they will not consider this) and has accused them all of being selfish (sorry if this is repetitive).

Again, remain child focused, avoid mentioning how she behaves or talks.
I would certainly offer the courts a point form out line of the times of access/contact. Keep it succinct, date/time/type of contact/duration. No need to add any details at this point. The judges are not stupid; they will see this for what it is. A mother that has abandoned her children for another man, they'll see this without any help from you.

all I am hopeing is that the judge will some how get thru to them that they will not likely get her #'s over mine, that it will more than likely be the median #'s for the only two issues under debate...home value and pension...thas how I cam e up with my offers...but she has now racked up a large amount oweing to me for CS and property taces owed.

Don't sweat this #'s thing, it'll work itself out.
You've done your part, and now it's time to let the courts do theirs.
I think you will be ok on this issue.

Chin up, and stay focussed no matter how hard it seems.

Best of luck
FL