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Oh how annoying

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  • Oh how annoying

    So, I called my ex's lawyer today to find out what's up basically, I need to file the confirmation with the court no less than 2 days before the court/motion date which is the 16th, which means I need to do it this week. Anywho, so I give him a call today only for him to tell me that he still hasn't talked to my ex outside of the first time to represent him, and another to book an appointment to finally meet him for the first time tomorrow.
    I ask him if they plan to provide financial disclosure, he says he 'thinks' my ex will be filling one out. He also makes mention of not knowing if he will contest the custody, of course, this stops me in my tracks and the conversation continues as follows:
    Me: *chuckling* you're telling me he's going to contest custody?
    Him: well, I don't know
    Me: you do realize that his partner was charged and there is a no contact order in place? (note: this information is in my affidavit he received yesterday & confirmed that he received)
    Him: what were the charges?
    Me: assault with a weapon on my then 8 yr old son
    Him: is this still in court or possible plea state?
    Me: no, she's already been sentenced since June - she can't be near the children, or the house, he can't have them at his place while she remains living with him
    Him: *insert dead silence*....
    Me: Hello?
    Him: I will have to call you tomorrow after I have talked to your ex husband


    I see yet more stalling in the near future.

  • #2
    Originally posted by AndrewsKim View Post
    He also makes mention of not knowing if he will contest the custody, of course, this stops me in my tracks and the conversation continues as follows:
    Me: *chuckling* you're telling me he's going to contest custody?
    Him: well, I don't know
    The lawyer specifically told you that he didn't know whether custody will be contested, he didn't tell you that custody is being contested. Yet you specfically said, "'re telling me that he's going to contest custody..." That doesn't make sense.

    This is one of the pitfalls of self-representation. You are understandably very emotionally involved, and that can easily get in the way of rational thinking.

    His lawyer is not there to give you the answers you want, he is representing your ex. He is not going to play right into your hand. On the contrary, he is going to mess with your head, knowing how emotionally involved you are. It's his job.

    Continue on and file the confirmation. If you don't get a satisfactory resolution before court, have the matter heard in court. They aren't going to lay down for you.


    • #3
      Excuse my phrasing, he mumbled quite a bit and he jumped between using might, maybe, I don't know often; I found it all rather humorous to be honest.

      The issue with the confirmation is section 4 that states the matter is going ahead on.. and then you have multiple choices. I know I _want_ to go ahead on all the matters in my notice of motion, but that certainly doesn't mean he will be willing to go ahead on all or any of the items in the motion - for all I know he could be going for another adjournment. As of today they have not filed anything at all with the court, the 30 days listed in the application passed on August 30th - they have not filed an answer or a financial statement. The only thing they have done up to this point is adjourn (request was made after 30 days had passed) and were given an additional 2 weeks.


      • #4
        Don't worry about what the other side's intention is, stated or implied. You should press the matter ahead on all the issues. Nothing else so far appears to have motivated them. Eventually you will smoke them out and get a settlement.

        In my case, the other side kept on delaying, delaying and more delaying. They too were filing garbage financial disclosure, when they bothered to file at all.

        Eventually at our second settlement conference, we implored the judge to put us on the trial listings. At the trial management conference, we settled because the ex finally had to face the fact that she was going to lose badly. But until that happened, they just kept living in a fantasy land.


        • #5
          Thank you for your response

          I'm starting to wonder all that myself. The lawyer did not call me today as he stated yesterday. I called there only to be told he was in court all afternoon & she would give him the message - I reiterated my contact information after she did a lot of sighing & coming across as though I had interrupted her nap time in the office or something.
          I suppose the best option is to tick the box that states I will be going ahead on all items in the motion, and see what really ends up happening in court on Tuesday.


          • #6
            Originally posted by AndrewsKim View Post
            Thank you for your response
            I suppose the best option is to tick the box that states I will be going ahead on all items in the motion, and see what really ends up happening in court on Tuesday.

            As your ex has not filed a response, and with what would appear to be a bad situation in the ex's home, you would appear to be a strong advantage.

            Don't be surprised if you get an offer to settle the issues in order to avoid the motion, but the offer will compromise your motion requests, not giving you everything you're looking for. This is yet another tactic that will be tried in order to appeal to any desire you may have not to go to court.

            Only you will be able to decide whether an offer to settle will be satisfactory, but again, be careful not to let your emotions get in the way. Again, unbiased, independant representation can be very helpful here.

            Also, don't be surprised if the other side tries to walk in their answer at the courthouse, notwithstanding that they missed the deadine.

            Good luck, let us know how it goes.


            • #7
              I suppose that if they walk in their answer, they would be attempting another stall of some sort, due to the fact that they haven't done anything up to this point, nor have they provided anything (such as financial disclosure).
              I do not think I am asking for very much in the motion, I asked for interim custody, child support, respondent being required to provide at least 24 hours notice for access (due to the fact that he likes to maintain control over whether I am able to make plans for myself without the kids by giving about 3 hours notice if he does visit) and the costs incurred (loss of wages for the day) due to the fact that I attempted to keep from going to court by requesting he pay the amount he had offered verbally a year ago - but is now $5600 in arrears with.
              And I would gladly give up the costs of lost wages for the days I have had to spend doing this, if he would agree to providing support - in writing, documented & submitted to the FRO, and not try to believe that I am willing to allow him to have the kids anywhere near his home around his violent partner.
              I just want what is right & fair for the children, even though he could obviously care less. He will only fight if it means he will have to spend money on his own kids until they are old enough to support themselves.


              • #8
                As my lawyer said, "...he who has custody, gets custody."

                Regardless of the merit of your claim, asking for interim custody and support is asking a real lot. Surely you understand from the reading you have done on this forum that a status quo will emerge which will be very difficult to change down the road. If you don't know that already, search this forum or google on "interim custody orders" and it will soon be apparent.

                From what you've said already, I don't think you have much too worry about. That said, the facts of my case were such that I shouldn't have had too much to worry about either, but the stakes are so high (your children's future) that even the slightest doubt is enough to make you nuts.

                I wouldn't be surprised if you get what you're asking for.


                • #9
                  You're right, it's hard to not worry about everything. I suppose my worry originally comes from the first try of this, and he & the lawyer he had then did so many stalls, so many nasty tactics that I ended up giving up after months on end of stalling & no financial help in any way. It's what led to the shared custody (nothing on paper, was just an agreement between he & I) that led to my youngest child getting harmed to begin with. I suppose I still feel a lot of blame for that, which of course scares the hell out of me now thinking - well, what if the court gives him access that involves weekends despite the order against his partner.. among a zillion other what ifs that I can never get out of my head.
                  You're right, I need to do that search & see what comes up. I just worry that the courts will think - well, it's not his fault that he can't have the kids, it's his partners, so why should he lose out on ample access, when he's made no attempts to even exercise any, or he fights to maintain some sort of control otherwise.
                  They have been with me 100% of the time since May 2007. He's had 8 visits with them in that time, only 3 of those were for a 5 to 7 hour time span, the rest were 90 minutes - why would the court change that, or that there is no way the court would do anything that would go against the no contact order & put the children in harms way.

                  Call it the fear of the unknown I suppose. It's not easy trying to fight when you're alone.


                  • #10
                    new post

                    Hello everyone!
                    Could someone please tell me how to post my first question here? This is my first time
                    Thank You


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by AndrewsKim View Post
                      They have been with me 100% of the time since May 2007. He's had 8 visits with them in that time, only 3 of those were for a 5 to 7 hour time span, the rest were 90 minutes -

                      This is not much of a status quo when the courts are looking at setting up a schedule that the children can depend on.
                      Generally I would venture that the courts would allow at least one week end per month if not every other week end to establish a reliable schedule for the children.

                      But you have a nasty twist with the new partner and the no contact order.
                      If I was a judge I would give him the same option that child protective services would give a parent that lives with an abusive partner.
                      If you can show that this person no longer resides in the same residence and will not be present during the visitation, you get x amount of visitation. But so long as you choose to live with this person and have this person present for access, then you will NOT get access.

                      It just seems fair that as long as this person is a factor, then the courts should not allow access as it puts the children in harms way. If the partner is gone, or has her own place away from him and away during the access, then having access should be allowed so long as he has never caused them harm. The only other option would be supervised access in an access centre without her present. Hope this makes sense.



                      • #12
                        It makes sense, yes, this was offered to him already when CAS was initially involved, but they closed the case that was between he & I (which was standard as she had abused my & his child) as they felt that as long as the children were in my care, they did not need protection. They have an on-going open case for them as they have a nearly 2 yr old daughter together as well.
                        I called his lawyer again. He told me that he met with my ex husband and that he mailed a letter today that will probably take a bit to arrive & offered to email it. I gave him my work email addy, he said he would send the letter & hung up on me... Seriously, how rude.


                        • #13
                          Well, no email arrived from the ex's lawyer by the time my work day was over. I will watch for it up until 10am tomorrow, and if it has not arrived by then, I will be sending form 14C via fax to the court (as they have allowed) that I am going ahead on all motions.
                          I am rather disgusted that his lawyer was so rude on the phone. Whether he likes it or not, I am self-represented and I don't appreciate disrespect.
                          Who knows, perhaps he's pissed off at finding out the details of the case he took on without knowing all the facts first; anything is possible. But that's his problem, not mine.
                          I will not see the letter he mailed before court on Tuesday unless the mail suddenly improves and it arrives on Monday. Otherwise court is too early on Tuesday for any mail to have arrived before court is in session, so I won't know what his response is until then.
                          Either way, I'm digging in my heels and taking this on for however long it takes to get what the kids deserve. He certainly can't be forced to act like a father, and I have made more than enough offers to get him to help with his kids (such as in lieu of giving me money he claims I will run & spend on myself for new clothes - something I didn't even do when we were together) that he take the kids & buy them clothes himself, or their school lunch items, or even school clothes/supplies.
                          He has not bothered, and I am tired of him not helping with his own children who have to keep doing without because I can only do so much on what I make between my full time job & my part time job.
                          I've considered trying to pick up a 3rd job at night, but that's just not physically possible for me, and my kids need me too. So many tough choices to have to make in life, but frankly, kids are worth it.
                          As always, thank you to everyone for their responses, help, tips etc. I appreciate it very much.


                          • #14
                            Best of luck to you.
                            You seem to have the determination that this requires to succeed.
                            Please keep us posted, I hope all turns out well for the children, it's time their needs were met.


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