Wife and Boyfriend and Children

[Ottawafather]

My wife recently left the marital home. We hadve two children between 12 and 8. She is afraid that because she left while having an affair and took up with this person, I will say bad things about this person to my children, I woyuld never say anything bad about their mother. But the guy she hooked up with is very insecure and self loathing - not a good role model. He refuses her to talk to her children or me when she is with him.

He is the cause of a lot of grief in our family and I know I will nevber forgive him for it. I know our children will reject him as an interloper and I can't guarantee that at some point I won't call him an idiot in front of my kids.

Can she use any legal means for me to not say basd things about him? Again, never would I say a bad thing about her or discourage a healthy relationship with my kids and their mother.

[standing on the sidelines]

First of all, if things were great at home she never would have left. There must have been signs. To blame the guy who she took up with is wrong.

Focus your energy on getting matters settled. Work out the custody issues, child support etc. Try not to influence your children against the new man in her life. Whatever happened, happened and there is no sense making the kids feel like the guy is the one who broke up the marriage.

[Ottawafather]

You're right there were signs, but the one thin I cannot let go of is how he never let us as a family seperate with dignity. He was always phoning over Christmasb and text messaging my wife. A man would have stood back and let us seperate on our own. But when I found out how he has treated his own wife and daughter I can see where his insecurities made him cling to people.

Now the joke is in my wife as she has found out he has male erecile issues and is seeking sexual counselling.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

I think the only legal recourse that she has, if you indeed say negative things about this man, is to seek a court order for you NOT to discuss this person in any defamatory manner when the children are in your care.

I would hope you can be the better person regardless of the obvious.
Take it from someone who has been there, event he most innocent comment about the ex or the ex's new partner will come back to bite you on the a**.

Tread lightly.
As for the person’s sexual issues you posted, that truly was not called for.
I know you are hurt by all that has happened and are bitter to some extent, which we all can relate. But this is not the place for that type of thing.

By thinking these things and posting them here, only serves to make you look bad, and I know that is not what your intention is.

[whatnow]

I Echo that.

If you're not doing anything wrong, don't sweat it. I see it kinda like her making a motion for you to never throw your kids out the window.

The laws dictate what we can and Can't do, and a motion like she is talking about is covered by the Family law.... For you to bad mouth about her new mate to your children would NOT be in the kids best interest..... They are just kids and certainly don't need to be brought into the Separation. Hang tight, take your mind off his sexual inadequacies and just concentrate on your kids.

[logicalvelocity]

My wife recently left the marital home. We hadve two children between 12 and 8. She is afraid that because she left while having an affair and took up with this person, I will say bad things about this person to my children, I woyuld never say anything bad about their mother. But the guy she hooked up with is very insecure and self loathing - not a good role model. He refuses her to talk to her children or me when she is with him.

He is the cause of a lot of grief in our family and I know I will nevber forgive him for it. I know our children will reject him as an interloper and I can't guarantee that at some point I won't call him an idiot in front of my kids.

Can she use any legal means for me to not say basd things about him? Again, never would I say a bad thing about her or discourage a healthy relationship with my kids and their mother.

The only thing they might be able to do is seek some sort of relief for an order preventing.

Don't give them the ammo to get their order, no matter how much you dislike the other guy, never name call and just smile. Remember your life and conduct is under the microscope. Take the high road and be the better parent. Your children will thank you for it some day.

lv

[robrjm]

conflict

Lv's advice is bang on. Don't fuel the fire - it will ultimately farm the children and it may be used against you. However, document all difficulties in a journal. If the ex goes for joint custody, you may want to show that you two can not work together - as a result you will get full custody.

[Alentia]

Forget it

Ottawafather,

All you gotta do is to forgive her. Just let it go. You are angry at that man because your selfesteem was heart. Let it go... Make peace in your soul and you will be a happier man. Forgive and be forgiven. Life is too short to keep hate inside your heart and to live hating someone.

What goes around come around.

[Ottawafather]

Thanks for the feedback. I know the reality is because of the things my wife was doing in the background - trying to force me out of the house, trying to purge me financially - I cannot forgive so easily. I know I can have a relationship with my wife (soon to be ex) but there is no way I can be civil or hold any respect for the person she hooked up with.

He took advantage of our family at a very crucial time - our dissolution. He claimed at the time he was only trying to help her sepertate but ended up sleeping with her one week after she left the house.

To my eyes he is garbage. I see no way that I can put on airs in front of my children if his name were to come up. I will never do anything or say anything that would damage my childrens view of my wife, but for him, I have no respect and I believe that he deserves none nor will he ever get respect.

He inserted himself into the lives of my children from the sidelines and I will remembver that for the rest of my life.

[standing on the sidelines]

I am sorry that you are so bitter that you cannot see the trees for the forest. You refuse to stop blaming the other guy even though there were problems in the marriage.

Do you realize that by saying bad things about him to your kids you are, in fact, being critical of your wife also?? You have to realize he is now in her life by her choice. By saying bad things about him to your kids you are basically telling the kids that their mother makes bad choices.

No one says you have to respect the man, but you should treat him the same way you would treat any stranger. He is a part of your kids life now and you have to get over the bitterness. Eventually either the kids will get sick of the way you are being or when you get someone special in your life they may treat her badly. You have a golden opportunity to teach you kids a valuable life lesson, tolerence.

Please get into a support group for people going through a divorce or some therapy for yourself. If you do not accept the situation it will consume you.