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Am I being an idiot?

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  • Am I being an idiot?

    Younger daughter has just started seeing mom again after nearly 5 months no contact.

    Older daughter who lives primarily with mom is leaving for university (14 hours away) in August.

    I need to update CS now (for complicated reasons).

    If I were to ask for offset amount for younger daughter and I pay 4 months for summer months to mom for when younger daughter is back during the summer.

    This takes away any financial implications for our younger daughter to move freely between the homes, and where I will still cover months our older daughter is at her mom's (while I'm also the only one putting money towards our daughter's schooling when she's away at University)

    I will say, for anyone who's followed what our daughter's have experienced (OCL and judge outlined alienation while CAS noted substance abuse when our younger came to live with us exclusively), that I believe this is more than appropriate.

    There is a part of me that struggles not to update the court with the police report, CAS report and texts I found going to my younger daughter telling her she couldn't stay at my house when I daughter asked to of her own accord (would have been the first time in four years), instructing our daughter to tell me not to be in touch with her teachers so mom could say she was exclusively involved in her schooling, and repeatedly telling our younger that I didn't really care about them.

    But in the end, when our younger came home, it was clear she recognized %90 of the b.s. and there is no doubt in my mind our relationship is rock solid, as is my relationship with our older.

    So, in the hopes of ending it all.

    An agreement we can update ourselves where I agree to pay for the months older is home at mom's and offset amount going forward for younger even though the last two weeks are the first time she's seen her mom in 5 months.

    Is this appropriate or has anyone done anything different?

    Many thanks,

  • #2
    You’re not being an idiot. You are trying to muddle through a difficult situation. As well as protect your kids.

    Summer only support is the norm for a child away at school. You could set it out and an average over the year to be paid monthly so your ex gets something each month.

    For offset, that is fair too if your youngest is with you both. If your ex doesn’t see it that way that’s on her. She is already saving by not contributing to kid 1’s school expenses.

    Speaking of which…your ex is still obligated to pay her share. How would it be if you said no? She would take you to court in a heartbeat. She SHOULD be contributing to the costs as well and not leaving it to you and her child!


    • #3
      Thank you for that response.

      Even though our youngest is not back for 50/50 with mom yet, it would leave the door open without her becoming her mom's pawn again where she feels obligated to come back because mom is scared about what would happen financially if she didn't. Less pressure is what our daughter needs.

      As for school, yes, mom should be helping to pay, but that would be another court battle instead of just moving forward. I put away money for their schooling and it will go to them regardless of what mom contributes. Hopefully she gives what she can, but forcing it would only lead to more pressure on both daughter's.

      So while I agree %100, that she would take me to court, I'm just trying to smooth the situation so that it can be an extended patch of not having to worry about money.


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