one parent keep violating the court order

[podric]

Hi.

I split my kids 50/50 with the ex and that goes for custody too.
They doesn't like playing nice with custody and keeps violating the order. They love the power of not doing what I think is right.

Court order says we are supposed to consult and they just go and do.
I have the option of going to a doctor appointment, I am denied.
Doctor says do X and they make excuses and refuse to.
they are not anti-vaxxers but when trying to consult on a medical item they send me crazy things that dont apply or are just simply off.

We don't communicate well, even with a parenting coordinator, we dont' have anymore. The ex does what she can to make everything a mess. They may simply be stupid and angry but I can't say that.

Do I ever get out of this and simply get to make the final say? How bad does it have to get?

If I get a kid more than 60% of the time is getting final decision a sure thing?

[iona6656]

Hi.

I split my kids 50/50 with the ex and that goes for custody too.
They doesn't like playing nice with custody and keeps violating the order. They love the power of not doing what I think is right.

Court order says we are supposed to consult and they just go and do.
I have the option of going to a doctor appointment, I am denied.
Doctor says do X and they make excuses and refuse to.
they are not anti-vaxxers but when trying to consult on a medical item they send me crazy things that dont apply or are just simply off.

We don't communicate well, even with a parenting coordinator, we dont' have anymore. The ex does what she can to make everything a mess. They may simply be stupid and angry but I can't say that.


Do I ever get out of this and simply get to make the final say? How bad does it have to get?

my ex is dumb too. and likes to contradict me for fun...BUT our agreement still says i have to consult with him on everything- and that I do. He won't see the PC anymore either.

BUUUUT- as to your question. What you're saying sounds like a "YOU" issue- and not necessarily a parenting issue. Is what your ex is doing having negative consequences on your kid?

I'm curious as to how you are denied taking your kid to the doctor if you have 50/50 and joint custody?

If I get a kid more than 60% of the time is getting final decision a sure thing?

nah. you could have the kids 100% of the time and still have joint custody and have to make major decisions with your ex.

Would you ex be open to parallel parenting?

You make all the medical decisions. Ex makes all the education decisions.

[Janus]

Court order says we are supposed to consult and they just go and do.

Could you give an example of something that they went and did without consultation that:

1) You would not have agreed to
2) Had a negative effect on your child

I have the option of going to a doctor appointment, I am denied.

Denied by who?

Also, in covid times, lots of places like to keep the number of people who attend appointments to a minimum.

Also, you already have 50%, you don't need to go to a doctor's appointment to keep it.

Do I ever get out of this and simply get to make the final say? How bad does it have to get?

You need evidence that your ex is harming the child.

Some things that are NOT evidence:

1) Your feelings
2) Your parent's feelings
3) Your child's feelings
4) Your friend's feelings

If I get a kid more than 60% of the time is getting final decision a sure thing?

That's just a transparent attempt to get child support, nobody is going to buy that.

[podric]

BUUUUT- as to your question. What you're saying sounds like a "YOU" issue- and not necessarily a parenting issue. Is what your ex is doing having negative consequences on your kid?

Well I take the kid to the doctor, the doctor says do X I report back with the doctors instructions and the ex simply doesn't do them; makes excuses for not doing them like "it was too much trouble" or just trust me they have come up with some crazy ass shit.

I'm curious as to how you are denied taking your kid to the doctor if you have 50/50 and joint custody?

I am denied attending the appointment because I don't get notified. I am not about to take the kid to the doctor for the same thing, that is wasteful and will annoy the doctor.
Order says we each have the option to attend and I want to attend because the ex is truly a screw up when it comes to doctors appointments and on occasion makes up illness for the kids.

nah. you could have the kids 100% of the time and still have joint custody and have to make major decisions with your ex.

I don't know what a major decision is. Kid needs surgery: consult and if they don't like my decision they file a motion. I don't want they interfering for the sake of disagreeing or out of their batshit crazy views.
What is a major decision?

Would you ex be open to parallel parenting?
You make all the medical decisions. Ex makes all the education decisions.

I don't know about them but our court order had that for a couple of things and they simply started deciding things without consulting me first as the court order outlined. They make decisions for their own benefit, not the kids.

[podric]

Could you give an example of something that they went and did without consultation that:

1) You would not have agreed to
2) Had a negative effect on your child

I did not and would not have agreed to their X education not happening with their classmates and such a young age. It should have been done with their peers and when they were older.

Denied by who?

Also, in covid times, lots of places like to keep the number of people who attend appointments to a minimum.

Also, you already have 50%, you don't need to go to a doctor's appointment to keep it.

It was a virtual appointment they set up that I stated I wanted to attend. My request was ignored.

You need evidence that your ex is harming the child.

Some things that are NOT evidence:

1) Your feelings
2) Your parent's feelings
3) Your child's feelings
4) Your friend's feelings

Can do. Feelings of anxiety and fear count, getting that to evidence is a problem. There are other things.

That's just a transparent attempt to get child support, nobody is going to buy that.

If I have the child more than 60% then I would already have full table child support. How is getting decision making a ploy to get more when more is not available? Is more available?

[Janus]

I did not and would not have agreed to their X education not happening with their classmates and such a young age. It should have been done with their peers and when they were older.

Do you have evidence that this harmed your child?

It was a virtual appointment they set up that I stated I wanted to attend. My request was ignored.

Set up your own appointments in the future.

Can do. Feelings of anxiety and fear count, getting that to evidence is a problem. There are other things

That was my point, you cannot collect evidence of anxiety and fear, so they do not count.

It doesn't sound like you have all that much here.

If I have the child more than 60% then I would already have full table child support. How is getting decision making a ploy to get more when more is not available? Is more available?

Wait, you already have 60%?

[podric]

Do you have evidence that this harmed your child?

It is my right by court order to be able to guide decisions for my child and in this case via consultation and my input, to be considered. I was not.

Set up your own appointments in the future.

Set up a second appointment for the same item is going to go over like a lead balloon at the doctors office. It is an abuse of the health system and total nonsense when the court order already says I am allowed to attend.

That was my point, you cannot collect evidence of anxiety and fear, so they do not count.

It doesn't sound like you have all that much here.

I do, the weak stuff is anxiety and fear and that is hard to get a child to testify to. There is evidence the other parent acted against the interests of the children and also they abused the medical system.
I don't think it matter if the end result was physical harm, it was malicious intent in one case and neglect on the other that did result in minor scaring. Does that matter?

Wait, you already have 60%?

Significantly more than 60% for years.
Originally I had 50% when we agreed to 50/50 custody.

[rockscan]

Significantly more than 60% for years.
Originally I had 50% when we agreed to 50/50 custody.

Then file a motion to change.

I don’t think you will be overly successful but you seem to think you are entitled. Court orders are rarely enforceable for the things you are angry about. If they were, jails would be full of people that don’t do what their exes want them to.

Your posts scream more about what YOU are unhappy about and YOU wanting to make your ex do what you want rather than “this is a serious threat to my child’s well being”.

[podric]

I know you post a lot. Here is my executive summary. "What are you talking about?

Then file a motion to change.

I donÂ’t think you will be overly successful but you seem to think you are entitled.

The questions: Do I ever get out of this and simply get to make the final say? How bad does it have to get?

If I get a kid more than 60% of the time is getting final decision a sure thing?


I didn't understand these 2 questions reeked of entitlement. I have read on these forums several times "path to sole custody" and "will lose custody" Were those people that thought they were marked as entitled.

Court orders are rarely enforceable for the things you are angry about. If they were, jails would be full of people that donÂ’t do what their exes want them to.

Ohhhhhhh!!!! I get it you are projecting that this is about anger. No, this is about violating a legal agreement between parties and court order and getting what I want, having an easier life and getting what is best for the kids.
Did you ever hear about financial penalties and other forms of correction.

Your posts scream more about what YOU are unhappy about and YOU wanting to make your ex do what you want rather than “this is a serious threat to my child’s well being”.

I want my ex to do what the judge wants as per the judges court order and as per what is best for the children.
I want that if the child gets a slash across the face the person caring for the child at the time to follow medical advice and have it stitched up or at least see a doctor. Instead of care be delayed until I get them days later.
I want the child to be represented at the doctors by informed and intelligent parent instead of one that has cuckoo banana views and can't remember what the medical issue is and what the doctor's instructions are.
I want a parent that when told by a doctor "do this" they do that instead of figuring out how not to do it.

[rockscan]

I know you post a lot. Here is my executive summary. "What are you talking about?

Im talking about what action you can take. You asked what to do. What you are asking for is not unreasonable but your evidence is key as is hers. If the child is in a situation that is unsafe or unhealthy, why haven’t you called CAS? The police? Gotten a report from the doctor? Just because you aren’t there doesn’t mean you can’t follow up for a report. If you are being denied information the doctor would be called out and they won’t want that. Call them and make an appointment to get an update. Bitching about it isn’t working.

The questions: Do I ever get out of this and simply get to make the final say? How bad does it have to get?

You can file a motion to change requesting final decision making for medical issues. HOWEVER that does not mean your ex will follow it or take care of your child. You would need supervised access and that would require you to demonstrate a serious issue in her care. Serious issues may mean one thing to a court and another thing to you. In the case of a disabled child who requires intensive care, the standard may be different than a child who would not need certain supports like toileting, feeding tubes, medications etc.

If I get a kid more than 60% of the time is getting final decision a sure thing?

Nothing in family court is a sure thing. A judge has to decide and they determine it on evidence presented. If your ex puts up a fight about being cut out of medical decisions then you could be looking at a trial at which you would need experts to prove your child is suffering in her care.

I didn't understand these 2 questions reeked of entitlement. I have read on these forums several times "path to sole custody" and "will lose custody" Were those people that thought they were marked as entitled.

It mostly the tone of your posts. The veiled accusations, comments about your views and how you feel about your ex. I question whether this is a case of your ex isn’t telling you what you want or you were left out of something and you are angry. Or you are a control freak and have had it taken away. Either one could be true—anonymous forum.

Ohhhhhhh!!!! I get it you are projecting that this is about anger. No, this is about violating a legal agreement between parties and court order and getting what I want, having an easier life and getting what is best for the kids. Did you ever hear about financial penalties and other forms of correction.

Still about anger. You are angry your ex isnt following the court order. Like I said, there are many MANY people out there and on this forum with ex’s that have failed to follow an order. You may want to do a search on this forum on contempt. As noted in every thread on that—it’s a high bar to prove. There may be penalties and ramifications but they barely ever happen. All newbies here say the same thing and then their bubble is burst.

I want my ex to do what the judge wants as per the judges court order and as per what is best for the children. I want that if the child gets a slash across the face the person caring for the child at the time to follow medical advice and have it stitched up or at least see a doctor. Instead of care be delayed until I get them days later.
I want the child to be represented at the doctors by informed and intelligent parent instead of one that has cuckoo banana views and can't remember what the medical issue is and what the doctor's instructions are.
I want a parent that when told by a doctor "do this" they do that instead of figuring out how not to do it.

This is evidence you can use to prove your case. Have you documented everything? Have notes from the doctor visits? Requested documents? This can all be used to prove you should have the child full time and make all medical decisions and possibly have supervised access.

Look, I get you are worried about your child and angry at your ex’s lack of effort. I’m not trying to be a jerk. You have to think of what a judge and her lawyers will say and prepare for it. You need evidence. You need proof for all your claims and you need to check your emotions. Emotional people don’t do well in court. It is simply “my ex is neglecting our special needs child” and then “here are the dates and outcomes from all of those instances”. No emotion. Call CAS if needed, call her doctor, call any other workers she has. You will need to build your case.

[Tayken]

It is my right by court order to be able to guide decisions for my child and in this case via consultation and my input, to be considered. I was not.

To be frank, unless your child has a long-term disease or medical condition there really isn't any decisions to be made for most kids. They attend school, come home, eat dinner and grow up.

You have the right to make the decisions for your child while they reside with you. You have the right to contact the doctor and get the necessary information.

Why does the other parent need to tell you anything? You have access to the professionals. Ask them yourself.

Best advice anyone can give you is to act like the other parent is dead and every time the child goes to reside with the other parent that they are at "camp".

Set up a second appointment for the same item is going to go over like a lead balloon at the doctors office. It is an abuse of the health system and total nonsense when the court order already says I am allowed to attend.

The doctor doesn't care. They get to bill for two encounters. Nor does the system care. In fact, considering the conflicted thinking you are putting forward and your controlling behaviour... its actually probably more efficient to not have you and the other parent arguing in front of a doctor and making a mess of everything. No doubt the doctor is exhausted with your attempts to use them as a witness to "win" custody and the majority of the residential time.

See, your conduction and what you are saying is transparent to most of the folks on this forum.

Here are some articles you should read:

http://yoursocialworker.com/s-articles/dragged-in.htm
http://yoursocialworker.com/s-articl...et-Harmony.htm

I do, the weak stuff is anxiety and fear and that is hard to get a child to testify to.

Sorry to say children NEVER testify in family law disputes.

There is evidence the other parent acted against the interests of the children and also they abused the medical system.

Suffice to say that there are people, with far superior education, knowledge and experience in the medical system that will identify "abuse" of the "medical system" and it is required under their Oath to deal with it. You are not a medical system expert. The child's doctor is the expert.

Are you suggesting that there is a factitious disorder by proxy in the situation?!

I don't think it matter if the end result was physical harm, it was malicious intent in one case and neglect on the other that did result in minor scaring. Does that matter?

A doctor would be the expert to make that determination. If they didn't call CAS... then guess what... it probably wasn't abuse or neglect. Doctors are legally obligated to report a suspicion of abuse or neglect.

[StillPaying]

It's hard to argue ex is bad and shouldn't have custody, when they're the one booking and attending appointments. Why aren't you booking them if ex is so neglectful.

[rockscan]

OPs answer to joint decision-making and keeping her informed of parenting matters is to reduce her ex's time with the child....interestingly below 40%. We know what this is really about.

Uh, the original poster is a man and has 60% custody so not sure what you mean.

[podric]

Update.


3 people have assumed I am making a play for more parenting time:

If the ex stubbed out their cigarettes in the eyes of children I couldn't get more parenting time in real life or from a judge on paper because I have the maximum time or do not want more time. One sleeps at my house every night, I just want final decision for that one.
For the other I am definitely not pressing the court for more parenting time, that would be an injustice to the ex and probably the child.


So much projecting too:
Rockscan,thank you for saying I am not looking for more parenting time.
I am not angry. Your ex might be angry, a lot of people might be angry. I just want what is best for the kids and having my life be easier.
It is annoying when they don't follow the court order or refuse to.
It is slightly more annoying than repeatedly assuming people I am not seeking more parenting time.

To be frank, unless your child has a long-term disease or medical condition there really isn't any decisions to be made for most kids. They attend school, come home, eat dinner and grow up.

severe mental disability involved.

The doctor doesn't care. They get to bill for two encounters. Nor does the system care.

For one doctor that may be true. For the pediatrician does care; they have too many patients in the hospital and their practice that need them and that is more important than arguing adults.
I do not drag them into the court stuff, they want that even less than they want wasted appointment time.

See, your conduction and what you are saying is transparent to most of the folks on this forum.

Here are some articles you should read:

http://yoursocialworker.com/s-articles/dragged-in.htm
http://yoursocialworker.com/s-articl...et-Harmony.htm

You are misreading but I will definitely read. Thank you.

Suffice to say that there are people, with far superior education, knowledge and experience in the medical system that will identify "abuse" of the "medical system" and it is required under their Oath to deal with it. You are not a medical system expert. The child's doctor is the expert.

Yes, and I is their opinion that I deferred to. One time one offered to file a report of abuse and I told them I would like to try one more time to get it addressed and I did. It was non-violent abuse.

Are you suggesting that there is a factitious disorder by proxy in the situation?!

I am no psychologist. The ex claimed medical issues that clearly didn't exist and compelled the doctor to investigate them; the doctor was out of their depth.
Medical professionals and doctors say an issue exists and they deny that there is an issue or avoid treatment. They seem crazy to me when they talk about it.


What I hope for and what I am asking advice on:
1. A judge nudging the ex in the right direction with a warning.
2. final decision for the child that sleeps at my house every night.
3. leverage the behavior of the ex for both children to get the above.
4. have the order reflect the reality of what we do in real life. Why put a lie on paper?


If my ex had our kids as a priority our marriage would have been far better. It truely was one of the major root issues. Not everyone is a kid person and that is OK but we have to do our duty.

[rockscan]

one parent keep violating the court order

What I hope for and what I am asking advice on:
1. A judge nudging the ex in the right direction with a warning.

Judges don’t nudge. If your ex cannot reasonable care for your kids then you need custody changed with full medical decision making to you.

2. final decision for the child that sleeps at my house every night.

Full custody to you BUT your ex can fight for overnights with the child. Unless you have supervised access imposed on her, she can fight for overnights. Mental disability is not one that would be considered necessary for no overnights.

3. leverage the behavior of the ex for both children to get the above.

Stop trying to leverage or reason. It is either she follows an updated order or not.

4. have the order reflect the reality of what we do in real life.

If parenting time has changed and the kids are with you more than the original order then you need to update through a motion to change.

The others see you a certain way due to your posts. You are very combative and demanding in your posts. Not to mention that what you think is happening may not be so bad to the court. Has she put a cigarette out in the child’s eye? That’s abuse that is criminal. Has she refused to put a band aid on a cut? Not so much? Should also note that this is your side of the story. Your ex could say you are a demanding, controlling asshole who criticizes everything they do and think you are the better parent. You should really temper yourself a bit rather than attacking people here. Would you call out a judge if they asked you the same? They will. Judges aren’t fuzzy teddy bears wanting to give hugs.