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  • no coparenting

    When the ex tries to frustrate you what do you not do?

    I am almost certain they are trying to frustrate me in order to get some type response their lawyer can hold up in court and say "ah ha!!!!" only one parent should make decisions for the kid. Mr. X is sends too many communications and makes my client feel little. They really have done a lot of shitty things to us out of anger.
    There is a court date coming up and I am getting way too much stupid stuff.
    I don't call them names or swear but do mention how child A wasn't bathed for the week they had them and how that was not right.

    Willful stupidity, minor violations of the court order, not fulfilling kids medical needs; being non-responsive while expecting me to be responsive.

    I put things down in writing but I am not very good and being very short; when I try to be short they often willfully misinterpret it. When they lie sometimes I explain why I don't believe them.

    You see the length of this post, that is me. So, what do I do to avoid court trouble or simply make things better?

  • #2
    not everything deserves a reaction from you.

    You cannot control things at your exs house so, unless the child is in danger, stop trying to.
    ,

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
      not everything deserves a reaction from you.
      You cannot control things at your exs house so, unless the child is in danger, stop trying to.
      ,
      huh?
      I didn't mention anything about what goes on at the exs place.


      You are right though I often do respond to things that maybe I should leave for court like their justification for dropping off the kids an hour late not being reasonable.

      Comment


      • #4
        Im with sos. You send them petty shit. So the kid wasnít bathed for a week. So they donít follow the agreement to the letter. Are the kids in danger? Severely malnourished? Experiencing medical emergencies? Then leave it alone. All it does is make you look like you canít get along or co parent. The other parent is not a great parent. Thereís no need for repeated messages.

        Comment


        • #5
          The bathing thing was for Christmas morning.
          Their hair was knotted like a homeless orphan and it took me an hour plus to start Christmas stuff.

          The other time the kid is hopping in my car with heavy diaper peed right though.

          Yes, I complain when a medical item is not followed, they are not dying but developing a scar or risking infection.

          So you guys would quietly put up with those 2 thing and I am good to do the same things if I feel like letting stuff go?

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          • #6
            Your 14 yo is in diapers? Thatís a special needs thing and your ex may not be doing these things on purpose.

            You need to stop sweating the small stuff. So it took you can hour to comb your kids hair on Christmas. Big deal. There are bigger problems in the world.

            Other dads who donít get to see their kids would say they would kill to spend an hour brushing their kids hair on a holiday.

            Let.It.Go.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
              No offence but OP looks to be the high conflict or instigator. What goes on at other parent's house and on their time is their business. So what if kid showed up on Christmas morning with hair uncombed? Do you know the kind of reaction you will get from a judge if you start highlighting that as a cause of concern? You are complaining that you had to delay Christmas because you had to get your child's hair combed correctly? That comes off as you being very meticulous and particular---a judge will see YOU as the high conflict individual who has to get "their way" or otherwise complain to the other parent. Rather than enjoy the holiday and cherish the time with your kid, you delayed celebrating for 1 hour to fix up your kid. Yikes.

              If I were the other parent, I would say to judge: "Look, other parent tries to micromanage my parenting time and is relentless in wanting control, look at all these texts from the other parent undermining me, etc."

              So you have to change the diaper when kid arrives. Or comb their hair. If your court documents are filled with stuff of that nature, the focus of attention will be put on you, rather than your ex.

              Also: Its perfectly OK to be late every now and then. Maybe kid wasn't feeling good and had to use bathroom near exchange time. Maybe they were having difficulties getting kids organized to leave. Maybe there was traffic. Or construction and detour. If its a regular occurance, that is different, but otherwise, keeping "track" of every violation makes it look like you are difficult.
              I am not going to bring that stuff up as a cause for concern to a judge and I never said I would. They can bring up me complaining about it if they like.

              You go take a pee soaked sponge, put it on your car seat and sit on it; how does that work for you?
              You have Christmas all planned out and this one day the ex decides to send the kids over in the worst state they ever did.

              That is a person looking to cause problems for the other and trying to manufacture a conflict. They do worse things but I am not looking for trying to change them, simply document in a way they can deny at the time if they like. You were going on about similar things before so.....

              How would it look if I stopped to their level.

              Comment


              • #8
                I likely have enough for an assessment either way.
                It is foreign to me that a person that is doing right by their kids gets treated more poorly than a parent that doesn't care for their kids (and I am not talking what is in their school lunches).

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
                  No offence but OP looks to be the high conflict or instigator. What goes on at other parent's house and on their time is their business. So what if kid showed up on Christmas morning with hair uncombed? Do you know the kind of reaction you will get from a judge if you start highlighting that as a cause of concern? You are complaining that you had to delay Christmas because you had to get your child's hair combed correctly? That comes off as you being very meticulous and particular---a judge will see YOU as the high conflict individual who has to get "their way" or otherwise complain to the other parent. Rather than enjoy the holiday and cherish the time with your kid, you delayed celebrating for 1 hour to fix up your kid. Yikes.

                  If I were the other parent, I would say to judge: "Look, other parent tries to micromanage my parenting time and is relentless in wanting control, look at all these texts from the other parent undermining me, etc."

                  So you have to change the diaper when kid arrives. Or comb their hair. If your court documents are filled with stuff of that nature, the focus of attention will be put on you, rather than your ex.

                  Also: Its perfectly OK to be late every now and then. Maybe kid wasn't feeling good and had to use bathroom near exchange time. Maybe they were having difficulties getting kids organized to leave. Maybe there was traffic. Or construction and detour. If its a regular occurance, that is different, but otherwise, keeping "track" of every violation makes it look like you are difficult.
                  nah. They don't. They sound like a frustrated parent having to co-parent with a shitty parent. Can said shitty parent learn to take care of their kid? Yes. But you are in no position to diminish the OP's concern for their kid. You made a thread about your kids skipping school excessively. Pot meet kettle.


                  To the OP- does your child(ren) have special needs? Medical needs?

                  How old is your kid? or are there multiple children?

                  Would your ex be open to going to a co-parent counsellor?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thank you. Yes, I can't seem to win. It is the manufactured conflict thing and sometimes I see them using the kids to get to me.

                    Yes, special needs for one child. The other has none.
                    The medical needs are more that the one with special needs has diet issues and is communicates poorly; I got them out of diapers without the others help. Things like needles and COVID nasal testing are a huge problem.

                    The parental coordinator made things worse; they were really bad. They were incompetent and also my ex manipulated them in no time. Everything became worse under them. The PC volunteered to quit after I lodged a complaint and told them I recorded the sessions.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by dealingWithEvil View Post
                      I am almost certain they are trying to frustrate me in order to get some type response their lawyer can hold up in court
                      The easy answer is to not respond much at all. We haven't said it recently on this forum but the BIFF principle is a good one. Messages should be:

                      Brief
                      Informative
                      Factual
                      Friendly

                      As a rough guide, aim for responses of about 2 sentences. No opinions at all. No comments regarding the other parent.

                      There is a court date coming up and I am getting way too much stupid stuff.
                      Every time they send you something stupid, that is a win for you. Save it, bring it to court if necessary. It's always great to have multiple instances of stupid behaviour so you can show a pattern.

                      Every time you respond to them, that's a win for them.

                      Remember, written words generally get the writer in trouble, not the recipient. You want your ex to write a lot, and you want to write as little as possible.

                      I don't call them names or swear but do mention how child A wasn't bathed for the week they had them and how that was not right.
                      1) How do you know they were not bathed for a week?
                      2) Even if you did know, why do you care? (Kids don't die from not bathing)
                      3) Even if you care, do you think writing your ex will change anything?

                      There was no value in yelling at ex over her possible bathing habits.

                      Also, unfortunately, judges are not going to care about bathing habits either unless the kid ended up in the hospital as a result.

                      Willful stupidity, minor violations of the court order
                      ok, this is a minor exception. If your ex violates the court order, a brief message is in order:

                      "In section 4(f) of the court order, it says that the blanket will be sent between houses. You did not send the blanket on January 14th, 2022. Please make sure that you send the blanket the next time. It is in the best interests of the children that you follow our court order and separation agreement"

                      Every time you get to send one of those messages, that is a win. If you can collect a bunch of them that will be glorious.

                      Remember that she will respond and defend herself. You don't care, and you don't respond to her response. The point was just to say "you violated the court order, and I gave you notice that you did so". You don't care if she changes, you are just creating a record.

                      being non-responsive while expecting me to be responsive.
                      Nope, "responsive" is not a factual term. You cannot comment on the responsiveness of your ex. There is no way to measure that, so do not mention it.

                      I put things down in writing but I am not very good
                      Two sentences per message, one message per day.


                      When they lie sometimes I explain why I don't believe them.
                      Huge mistake. If you explain to somebody how you caught them in a lie, then they get better at lying. A better plan is to save the lie, and the evidence that shows it was a lie.

                      If you don't have evidence, then you do not know it is a lie, and since it is not factual you should not be mentioning it anyway.

                      You see the length of this post, that is me. So, what do I do to avoid court trouble or simply make things better?
                      Easy.

                      Shut the fuck up.

                      Nobody is forcing you to write back to your ex. That's you gleefully digging your own grave.

                      Two sentences per message, one message per day.

                      Comment

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