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  • Mediation vs. Offer to Settle

    Hi all,

    I am making an offer to settle for Every Other weekend +50/50 holidays but my lawyers are pushing HARD for mediation BEFORE we make an offer to settle.

    Their reasoning is that in case she rejects the offer to settle (which they admit is reasonable), it won't make sense to then offer mediation. But if we go forward with mediation first, we may end up with more 'creative' parenting plans.

    I am unsure if this is a sound strategy. I do not want to waste more money than I have to. Would love your feedback. Thanks

    Background:
    -False domestic violence criminal charges have been stayed (withdrawn) after 2 years due to a technicality. We did go to trial but due to an unforeseen circumstance (not due to her credibility), it was dropped. Unfortunately, this may mean in Family court that I have not been proven innocent.

    -In the meantime, young kids (under 11) have had supervised access with me for 2 years for once a week as per court's order. I was heavily involved in their lives prior to the false charges.

    -We have a 8 day trial coming up ranging from parenting, custody, equalization, etc.

  • #2
    For me personally med/ arbitration has been a complete waste of time, money and energy. It has not yet resolved any of our issues to date.

    I would only suggest it if you get along well with your ex, both are honest and have provided full disclosure and are both willing to compromise on your positions and come to a deal.

    If you or your ex are high conflict then don’t waste your money or your breath. Just don’t do it.

    Comment


    • #3
      I remember when $1000 was a lot of money for legal. Now it seems like nothing for that but I could have bought the kids and me a ton of stuff.

      With mediation you get 2 kicks at the can, it will be the cheapest money you spend.

      -Only you know how much more you might be able to squeeze out.
      -A weekend can mean Friday - Monday 5pm....that is great for the summer if you do that stuff. It is great parenting time and could move you further forward.
      -A weekend can mean Saturday morning to Sunday night (not as much fun)

      -She still get's 60/40 if you get one or two nights a week so what does she care unless she is trying to keep you from the kids.

      Your offer sounds very safe, what happens when you want to increase parenting time?

      my 2 cents worth about 2 cents.

      Comment


      • #4
        Interesting...so one person says waste of time and the other says it's worth it.

        We are high conflict. As mentioned she had me falsely charged and withheld kids from me unreasonably.... trying to decide what to do...

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by helenj View Post
          Interesting...so one person says waste of time and the other says it's worth it.

          We are high conflict. As mentioned she had me falsely charged and withheld kids from me unreasonably.... trying to decide what to do...
          It costs her money too so she is invested.
          You can also talk with her directly if you can swing that.

          Comment


          • #6
            Whoa! False charges = go to trial do not pass go, do not collect $200. How can you possibly expect to have a productive mediation session with someone who swore a criminal complaint against you that was a lie?

            It's a good thing that in Canada you are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Section 11(d) of the Charter of Rights. You don't have to prove innocence. Make sure that any time they try to allude to the criminal charges that you object and have it stricken from the record.

            I would put a structured offer, with individual clauses severable, so that you have the best chances for getting costs awarded to you. For example, if after the trial, your offer was better than the outcome on Custody and Equalization, but not on parenting time and support payments, you might get 50% of your full costs awarded.

            Comment


            • #7
              Mediation may end up being a waste of time but it doesn't hurt to try.

              If you want to save money go without your lawyer and insist on 'shuttle' mediation. In shuttle mediation you and your ex are not in the same room (or on the same screen if over zoom) and the mediator goes back and forth.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DHTO View Post
                Whoa! False charges = go to trial do not pass go, do not collect $200. How can you possibly expect to have a productive mediation session with someone who swore a criminal complaint against you that was a lie?

                It's a good thing that in Canada you are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Section 11(d) of the Charter of Rights. You don't have to prove innocence. Make sure that any time they try to allude to the criminal charges that you object and have it stricken from the record.

                I would put a structured offer, with individual clauses severable, so that you have the best chances for getting costs awarded to you. For example, if after the trial, your offer was better than the outcome on Custody and Equalization, but not on parenting time and support payments, you might get 50% of your full costs awarded.
                I have been assumed guilty until proven innocent in family court. Even know they're saying I'm guilty and just because I'm not convicted, it doesn't mean I'm innocent. It's a sad state of affairs.

                Good point on making it severable on individual clauses. And you're right, someone who tried to end my life, ow can I expect her to negotiate fairly?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Kinso View Post
                  Mediation may end up being a waste of time but it doesn't hurt to try.

                  If you want to save money go without your lawyer and insist on 'shuttle' mediation. In shuttle mediation you and your ex are not in the same room (or on the same screen if over zoom) and the mediator goes back and forth.
                  This is assuming you can find a mediator who will work with the parties if there is alleged intimate partner violence.

                  We were turned down by two mediators at the beginning of my matter. I can't remember if shuttle mediation was suggested.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    People with restraining/protective orders still do meditation, by using the shuttle service. Very common.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                      This is assuming you can find a mediator who will work with the parties if there is alleged intimate partner violence.

                      We were turned down by two mediators at the beginning of my matter. I can't remember if shuttle mediation was suggested.
                      Technically, you shouldn't be going to mediation if the bold above is true. But, you do raise a good point about "shuttle mediation". I find that methodology to be "ok" but, it is time consuming. Ultimately if parties are not close then no mediation will work.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                        Technically, you shouldn't be going to mediation if the bold above is true. But, you do raise a good point about "shuttle mediation". I find that methodology to be "ok" but, it is time consuming. Ultimately if parties are not close then no mediation will work.
                        If one party admitted or lied and said there was no violence (off the record it would have to be here)
                        That is a tough one to get over.

                        Shuttle works better sometimes...you debate with the mediator and that removes a lot of emotion that is triggered by the ex being present.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                          Technically, you shouldn't be going to mediation if the bold above is true. But, you do raise a good point about "shuttle mediation". I find that methodology to be "ok" but, it is time consuming. Ultimately if parties are not close then no mediation will work.
                          Yes, there is false allegations of domestic violence. I am being quoted for around $5000+ for mediation with my lawyer being present.

                          What's the big push to do mediation BEFORE offer to settle? Does it not make more sense to send in my offer to settle for every other weekend and THEN do mediation?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by helenj View Post
                            Yes, there is false allegations of domestic violence. I am being quoted for around $5000+ for mediation with my lawyer being present.

                            What's the big push to do mediation BEFORE offer to settle? Does it not make more sense to send in my offer to settle for every other weekend and THEN do mediation?

                            You can do that. It really doesnt matter.

                            They arenít false allegations. You were CHARGED with assault. There is a big difference between someone saying their ex was abusive in an affidavit and saying you were charged with assault and the case was ended on a technicality. Itís no different than the case in BC where a man was charged with murder and then the charges were thrown out because he didnít get his trial by a certain date. He still murdered someone, he just wasnít found guilty due to a court technicality.

                            You were charged because there was evidence against you. Stop saying false allegations. You had a criminal case that was ended due to a technicality.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                              You can do that. It really doesnt matter.

                              They aren�t false allegations. You were CHARGED with assault. There is a big difference between someone saying their ex was abusive in an affidavit and saying you were charged with assault and the case was ended on a technicality. It�s no different than the case in BC where a man was charged with murder and then the charges were thrown out because he didn�t get his trial by a certain date. He still murdered someone, he just wasn�t found guilty due to a court technicality.

                              You were charged because there was evidence against you. Stop saying false allegations. You had a criminal case that was ended due to a technicality.
                              Just stop Rockscan. You have ZERO idea what took place.
                              An affidavit is evidence sworn by a person. Please tell me what the consequences for perjury are.

                              helenj has their story and you have nothing but your own personal feelings to say otherwise. Even if they did push someone away....justice is not taking way their kids.

                              All someone has to do is be an unlikeable person with a person alleging they did wrong to be charged.....sometimes the cops have no choice but to charge based on a person word or maybe the addition of some self-inflicted wound.


                              I spoke to a guy who's ex bashed herself against a door frame, caused herself marks and bruising and called the cops on the guy. He ended up showing the judge he didn't hit her with wood but threw herself against a doorframe.....she was crazy enough and ended up with a psych eval. He laughed a bit but she made is life hell.

                              So please let us not judge so definitively.

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