Hi im new - I need Help please

[dhream1]

Sept 2019 i found out my wife was having a extremely deep 3.5 years affair
We tried to make things work but it failed and were planning on selling our home in April ( as civil adults at that time )
and then Covid hit
During Oct - April the other person i thought was out of the picture but now she has started a relationship with him again

We have 2 daughters, a matrimonial home, my daughters are both in different schools, friends, programs etc that they enjoy.
My wife for months has not contributed financially to any bills, mortgage etc and left it all to me to pay and
because i am responsible and care deeply for my children i maintain all the expenses.
She also had separate accounts, hid money etc in her plan to hurt me.
We no longer speak she is invovled in another relationship and yes i would like to divorce but do not at this time want to sell my home because of my daughters and
school etc.

I have tried to speak to her civilly and ask how we can as adults agree on something that will best suit our children but
am just told from her we can have lawyers decide our fate and does not seem to care about any financial costs or effects
on the children etc. Basically I am involved with a person who is extremely narcissistic and has borderline personality
disorder, extremely angry etc.

I know this person's only objective is to now hurt me in any way they can.

I do want to file for divorce but I do not want her to take my children from there home and allow her to move to
another city and start new schools etc as my high school daughter has indicated she would like to stay here.

As a male who is trying to do the right thing i am just told by her she is looking to financially & Emotionally hurt me in anyway possible

I still want to stay in this home as i have been the one mostly paying for regardless of how uncomfortable this situation is.
I understand that legally she is entitled to half of it and i don't have a issue with that my only concern is staying with my daughters and keeping
them involved in the routines they have come to know etc.

Can anyone help me on doing the right thing that will protect my children and keep them living for now in this home and keep
them in the schools they are in.
I do not want to leave at this current time and try to maintain peace, keep my distance from her and record all interactions etc.

Once I file for divorce what happens next with the issues I have brought up ?

Thanks for any feedback anyone can provide me.

[Kinso]

You absolutely need proper legal advice. A lawyer can get the nitty gritty details and advise accordingly, which goes beyond the capacity or role of this forum.

You don't need to let a lawyer decide your outcome for you, but filing for divorce on your own is walking into a bear trap.

[standing on the sidelines]

how old are the kids?

[Tayken]

Trying to keep the house is a pipe dream for most people. It is easier and more cost effective in the long run to sell it, split the proceeds and get your own place. If you can't afford to buy your own "new" residence you won't be able to keep the current residence.

As suggested you need a lawyer.

[StillPaying]

If you want the house, you'll have to get it appraised and fill out the financial (NFP) document. It'll let you know who keeps what and how much you'll owe your ex. If you can afford it, go for it. Otherwise, talk to a lawyer and see if it's possible to sell after school's finished.

Once you start your court application it'll be a while before anything gets done, so you'll still have time. Just know that your ex will most likely be entitled to the current value of house and not from separation date.

[Mississauga Lawyers]

This is a troubling situation for you, your wife, and daughters.

Your question is once you file for divorce, what happens next? You also asked about the many issues that you have.

These situations seem overwhelming to most. However, there is a logical approach that can be used, and should strive to get issues resolved quickly, efficiently, and cost effectively. Court, where you are headed, is described as a “place of last resort.”

Although it seems that she will not talk with you, there are alternatives to court which can be more attractive. I am speaking of mediation. Mediation is an alternative court, and the court system is to consider encouraging people to use alternative dispute resolution. Thus mediation is often where people and up in disputes.

A good course of action could be to go there first. Lawyer/mediators, that is a lawyer trained as a mediator as well, can assist in identifying all of the issues, consider the options with both of you, and talk about what might happen in court processes. Thus, engaging a mediator as an individual is an option. Mediation can commence quickly if both sides are willing. Even though people seem unhelpful and uncooperative, they usually come around when they look at the expense and costs of the alternative to mediation.

Mediation can occur by the mediator engaging in conversations jointly with both, and this can be done not only in person, but by Zoom. Thus, it could commence right away.

Mediation also encourages cooperation, and looking at the best interests of children. It allows for the most options for dealing with major items, such as houses. By agreement, parties can come to a variety of resolutions or decisions that are best for themselves, and for the children. The mediator/lawyer will encourage cooperative thinking.

Mediation is commenced when one person or the other contacts a mediator/lawyer. Then the office of the mediator contacts the other person to see if they will engage. If they are both yes, then the process can commence.

Your children need parents that are prepared to do the right thing, for the best of the children.

[Janus]

my wife was having a extremely deep 3.5 years affair

That must hurt. That must also make it difficult to be objective. You have kids though, so this isn't about you, this has to be about your kids.

other person i thought was out of the picture but now she has started a relationship with him again

You guys are getting divorced. Your ex will be with other guys. It is possible that one of those people will be the affair partner. She is allowed to do that. You have kids though, so this isn't about you.

My wife for months has not contributed financially to any bills, mortgage etc and left it all to me to pay

That was a nice gift that you have given her. Time to get the divorce process started so you can stop doing that. You will get surprisingly little credit for gifts. Stop giving gifts.

her plan to hurt me.

People are selfish. She doesn't really care about you enough to hurt you. She was just hoarding money to help herself.

but do not at this time want to sell my home because of my daughters and school etc.

You will almost certainly have to sell your home. Home is where you are, not a pile of bricks. Sell the home. If you are desperate to stay in the same area rent for a year or two while you figure things out.

[She said] we can have lawyers decide our fate

Nothing wrong with that. At least you know not to waste time with mediation or having a lawyer send letters. Get a lawyer that will write up an offer to settle and get the process moving. If the lawyer wants to write letters, dump him and find another one.

Basically I am involved with a person who is extremely narcissistic and has borderline personality disorder, extremely angry etc.

Almost everyone describes their ex as being narcissistic with borderline personality disorder traits. Almost all of us are wrong.

Except me of course, my ex was really narcissistic. I googled it.

I know now this person's only objective is to now hurt me in any way they can.

No, she does not care about you.

Her objective is to have a nice life with the affair partner with as much money as she can have so that she can maintain a reasonable lifestyle. She is not trying to hurt you, she just prioritizes herself over you. If she could get the money without hurting you, she would probably do that.

It is important for you to understand that. You need to understand her goals so that you can offer her something she wants. If you think she wants to hurt you, then this is going to trial. However, if she just wants what is best for herself, well, you can work with that.

Remember, if you make a deal with her, it helps your kids. Stop thinking of her as somebody who is out to wreck your life. I mean, she is wrecking your life, but that's just a byproduct, not the goal.

I do want to file for divorce but I do not want her to take my children from there home and allow her to move to
another city and start new schools etc as my high school daughter has indicated she would like to stay here.

Why would she be allowed to move with the kids? This isn't 1980. As long as you are an involved father it won't be easy for her to move away as long as you have at least 50% parenting time.

As a male who is trying to do the right thing i am just told by her she is looking to financially & Emotionally hurt me in anyway possible

Yes, yes, you are a victim and she is trying to destroy you.

Stop talking to her. Only communicate in writing, and only about the kids. Nothing emotional. If you are feeling emotional find a friend or therapist and cry or rage it out with them.

I still want to stay in this home...my only concern is staying with my daughters and keeping them involved in the routines they have come to know etc.

If you only concern is staying with your daughters and in the area, then it will be easy for you to sell your home and rent something in the area.

If, however, you are focused on yourself, and not your children, then you will fight for that pile of bricks and destroy your family.

Once I file for divorce what happens next with the issues I have brought up ?

Sadly, nobody will care at all about the "my ex is evil and trying to destroy me" issues. Save those for the therapist.

The "I wanna stay in my house" issue will be resolved by selling the house. Your ex will get a nice fat cheque which will help ease things along.

The "I want my daughters to stay in the area" issue will be resolved by your renting a place in the area.

The question is how many tens of thousands of dollars of your daughters' university money are you going to burn on lawyers before you figure that out.