Collaborative Family Law? Pros and Cons?

[Bananie]

I am new here. Been married for nearly 10 years with 2 young kids. I've thought about or even uttered divorce for most of my marriage. My husband never took me seriously as it was always in the middle of a fight. Nevertheless, he basically said divorce is "not an option". He will do anything to avoid getting divorced, even though I know he is also unhappy. I don't know the deep down reasons why, but it doesn't matter.
The reasons why I stayed this long is because of the children, they are young. They are already very close to their father (not so much me). I'm so scared that I'll be alienated from them if I get a divorce. He also threatened that he'll go after full custody if I go for divorce. I can't tell if this is a bluff but it's kept me around. I'm near the end of my rope. I went to see a lawyer and she talked about Collaborative Family Law. It sounds very interesting. I just want my kids to be the first priority and lessen any conflict with their father. Any advice appreciated. I've never been so scared and stressed in my life.

[standing on the sidelines]

I am not answering your actual question, just making a comment on your other stuff.

I think you are putting the cart before the horse. You should seek counselling for yourself to explore your issues. I can understand why your husband is unhappy. Who wants to hear that their partner wants a divorce every time there is a disagreement. Did you feel this way before the kids were born?

[iona6656]

If you are headed down the path of separation. If either party is going to fight- you SHOULD NOT use a collaborative lawyer. My personal rule is match lawyer for lawyer. Has anyone seen the show Divorce on HBO? hilarious. And pretty much on point when Robert goes and gets Tony Silvercreek.

My own experience. Even though my ex was abusive and high conflict- I hoped he would see the benefit of tyring to settle collaboratively. I retained a supposed "reputable" law firm. My lawyer wasn't bad- she was just not well versed in high conflict separations. And it cost me SO. MUCH. MONEY. ...just her trying to settle things- the lawyers talking to each other, blah blah blah.

I personally think collaborative is stupid. If you can settle amicably- you don't need a "collaborative" lawyer to do it for you. You just need a good lawyer.

[tunnelight]

Let me be the one to tell you divorce, especially when kids involved, is one of the worst things that your family can go through in life. I don't envy you for being stressed.

Courts are slow, clunky, and uncertain, lawyers don't give guarantees and can screw up, custody assessors are generally incompetent and most always challenged by one parent and their lawyer, they delay and complicate things making it more exhausting and expensive, and last but not least , children suffer and can get emotionally wrecked in the process. Anxiety and stress is a common side effect.

That all being said, My advice, start with marriage counselling. Best to work out your differences and save the marriage if you guys can before making the lawyers rich.

About him getting sole custody, yes he can, just as much as a mother can. 50.50 is usually best though. But to give you a better answer, I would need to know how old the kids are.

[tunnelight]

With respect to collab vs regular law. They are both adhering to children reform act and divorce law.

Collab lawyers are still lawyers from the very same law schools and can still go to court. Catch 101...When you hire a lawyer under a collab agreement, you sign an agreement acknowledging that the lawyer will NOT go to court. Basically, they are willing to take your money and TRY and settle things, but will NOT go to court for your "collab" case.

If at any time during the case you have to go to court or make an emergency motion, you'll have to both hire a new lawyers and collab process will end. Which sucks because both you and ex will have to fork out new retainers and start all over again. This con of collaborative law is proportionally a pro of normal (non-orthodoxed) law - you won't have to wait until January to celebrate Christmas.

IF either parent wants primary residency with opposition from the other parent, collab law will fail. If both parents think they can work out a shared parenting arrangement then collab, or even better, mediation with a gender neutral social worker is way to go.

IF children are teenagers and want to live with dad and you are opposing it, then collab will be a waste of time and money for both of you, he will likely not agree to do collab as it is pretty much a straight forward process in court with the right lawyer.

IF children are younger and either of you wants sole.. collab will fail and you will both have to go to court and suffer. If children are younger, courts will probably keep the status quo and maximize the time children spend with both parents.

To me, based on him wanting children full time, I would conclude collaborative law will fail unless you know in advance that you are going to agree to him having the kids full time.