"The Waiting"....

[iona6656]

https://youtu.be/uMyCa35_mOg

the first volley of offers is being sent over today....

we sent a comprehensive offer to settle all matters but each part is severable: custody and access; child support; and equalization.

I have no idea what to expect- we are 65k apart on equalization.

We are about a million miles apart- I think- on parenting. He wants joint custody with a move to 50/50 shared parenting time- in a short period- over the next two years.

I want sole custody with increased access to one overnight each weekend and two afternoons a week (but not overnight). When she's a bit older (4 years old) - he can choose EOW (entire weekend) or keep the 1/2 weekend each week schedule. With custody and access to reassessed when she's 7 years old without a material change.

In terms of removal of supervision- I drafted a really detailed plan. But my lawyer took it and said "Nah- let them propose something first so it doesn't look like you're controlling it". You mean- he might not want me controlling everything that is being proposed? heh.

So yeah- he's been uber nice lately- like nauseatingly nice. We had to take D2 to emergency two weeks ago because she was maybe having an asthma attack..(the trifecta of shittiness is eczema + food allergies + asthma)- and he incessantly asked me over the last two weeks when I'm booking follow ups and with who and where, etc etc...and if I was going to do it, or would I like him to book them? Like, fuck off- I've been booking all her medical appoints for the last 2.5 years- I'm good. And he keeps phrasing it like "Would you like me to come?"...No, actually I would not "like" you to come. I think you should come. I'm not saying you can't come. But please stop asking me to ask you.

[StillPaying]

Your ex would get so much better at court. He needs to stop agreeing to your demands and push for a motion, then trial asap.

[iona6656]

He hasn't agreed to anything actually, much less "demands". (they're offers by the way).

The ocl report was brutal to him. He could fight it- but there's not a whole lot wrong with it.

He maybe could get a little better in court- or he could get the same thing i'm proposing. frankly- it's not a good climate for fathers in domestic violence situations out there right now. I'm not talking about allegations- I'm talking about convictions on record and a slew of professionals that will say he doesn't get how bad what he did was.

I asked my lawyer how he thinks it will play out- he said if the ex's lawyer is any good (and he said she is- he knows her well)- she'll get him to settle with a chance to reassess the situation in a couple of years.

[StillPaying]

It would be foolish for ex to accept your offer. I think you'll be shockingly surprised at just how much the judge doesn't care about your feelings.
My advice would be for your ex to bring a motion now, to continue sister as supervisor, and move to overnight, then eow. Then don't stop your fight for joint 50/50 at trial.

[iona6656]

I think you'll be shockingly surprised at just how much the judge doesn't care about your feelings. .

at which point does it look like I'm in need of vapors for my feelings?


It's a good thing you're not my ex's lawyer. My ex would be foolish not to counter with another offer. He would be even more foolish to go to trial. He doesn't have a strong case. He doesn't have a terrible case...but he doesn't have enough to get 50/50.

[Janus]

at which point does it look like I'm in need of vapors for my feelings?

At the very least you could swoon from indignation.

we sent a comprehensive offer to settle all matters but each part is severable: custody and access; child support; and equalization.

That is crushing, he has to accept at least some of the parts or he is going to be obliterated in court.

I don't know why more people don't send these types of offers.

[iona6656]

That is crushing, he has to accept at least some of the parts or he is going to be obliterated in court.

They're very good offers- not the ceiling on where I'm willing to go, but close.

What we also sent along- on a without prejudice basis is what we will be filing for should we proceed to trial. Which is the OCL rec's and nothing else. Not even unsupervised.Full equalization and no forgiveness of CS arrears.

My lawyer called his and told her that if he's not willing to bargain on these then we'll bring a sc and move to trial as soon as possible. I cannot let the OCL report stale date - or let his criminal record clear. His discharge shows up as a conviction technically- for a year, then it's automatically expunged.

I don't know why more people don't send these types of offers.

I suspect cause they don't know about them? And/or their lawyers don't. When I asked my lawyer to make our offer severable- he gave me kind of an exasperated look and said "yes, of course. I would've done that anyways". I am honestly the worst client ever. I question everything.

[arabian]

I questioned everything as well. I think it is good to be on top of things as people do make mistakes. The one time I didn't look over a financial I missed the lawyer's error and it cost me around 10k.

[Stillbreathing]

Hope he accepts some part of your offer. We sent a reasonable, severable offer 2 years ago which was totally ignored. It dealt with all issues and there were 15 severable options. He didn’t respond at all and did not counter . In fact over the nearly decade we have been litigating he has not sent one single offer to settle. On any issue!

[iona6656]

Hope he accepts some part of your offer. We sent a reasonable, severable offer 2 years ago which was totally ignored. It dealt with all issues and there were 15 severable options. He didn’t respond at all and did not counter . In fact over the nearly decade we have been litigating he has not sent one single offer to settle. On any issue!

If I can ask- once the offers were just left sitting. Did you move to a SC and then trial? If not, why not?

[StillPaying]

Offers should be made before starting court and then at each step along the way. You should never be in limbo, not knowing when your next date is. If you're in the right, you should be pushing for trial non stop.

[iona6656]

If you're in the right, you should be pushing for trial non stop.

therein lies the issue. people always think they're in the right- or their lawyers tells them they're in the right- but it only takes 1 judge to disagree with you...

i also think you underestimate how much of an emotional toll family court takes after you've left an abusive relationship...the entire time you're just CRISIS! CRISIS! CRISIS!...and you're just going to keep spending to keep yourself away from a shitty situation. BUT eventually it catches up with you- and then you realize you have to live your life still and support it. it's hard for anyone- much less victims of domestic violence.

[arabian]

Contemplate binding arbitration. I ended a 30-year marriage this way and in under 1 year. I saved a pile of money. Seems that lawyers in Ontario don't favor this process. I suspect it is because they don't have experience with it and/or they know their billable hours are reduced. In Alberta, binding arbitration is done with judge as arbitrator.

[iona6656]

Contemplate binding arbitration. I ended a 30-year marriage this way and in under 1 year. I saved a pile of money. Seems that lawyers in Ontario don't favor this process. I suspect it is because they don't have experience with it and/or they know their billable hours are reduced. In Alberta, binding arbitration is done with judge as arbitrator.

For me? or Stillbreathing? I'm considering arbitration for the financial portion. Not the custody and access stuff. T

[Janus]

Generally speaking, you don't do arbitration to save money. Arbitration is like court except the judge is not free. You still need the lawyers. Arbitration is not cheap at all, and is in fact, in most cases, probably more expensive.

The big benefits of arbitrartion are:

1) Private
2) Faster

If either of those matter to you, and you have money to burn, then go nuts. Otherwise, go with the government-funded judge.