Common law with 6 y old

[tmac]

Hi
Separated after 9 yrs common law. My lawyer sent an agreement to ex he has now retained a lawyer. Ex has bad spending after making 115k in 2015 had nothing left when no work in spring I has to cover all mortgage his truck his holiday trailer
While together we had a joint account all loans bills et came out of the account
Besides the mortgage I have no loans - I have company truck spring 2016 after he went back to work I quit putting all my money in joint account I paid only half of the mortgage taxes bills and groceries

In agreement we gave him his truck tailor and Harley Davidson I paid half for
Share equity of the home I am in the home paying every 3rd payment do to income percentage

Asked for child support guideline with average of last three years section 7 expenses

No spousal support

Joint custody while sole decision making by myself

Asked to change sons last name to hyphenate mine

His lawyer sent my lawyer an email that he has a couple things he doesn't agree with so we are having a 4 way meeting to discuss I don't think I have been unreasonable at all

[viewfromthecheapseats]

An offer of joint custody with you as the sole decision maker is by default an unreasonable stance. What does joint custody mean to you? A parent parents they do not visit. Your child has a right to two parents in all senses of the word.

[tmac]

Yes. Dad works construction so it's every other weekend and with weather if he's off from work able to have what ever access he is able

[standing on the sidelines]

I dont blame him. You should offer to share decision making, you have final say on medical and him education or the other way around.

after having the same name for 6years why hyphenate the childs name now? You were never married so if it was that important you would of done it at birth.

Why are you only paying every third mortgage payment? You should be paying half of each one.

You need to be flexible on things. He will be wanting (and should get) 50/50 with offset child support.

[tmac]

The problem is he is never around. The decision making is because he is unprodectable bad drug and alcohol problem

The mortgage payment is do to the diffebce in income.

He works hours that are not able to do 50/50 and doesn't have a stable place to live

[viewfromthecheapseats]

You will need to make a very clear case about his substance abuse issue, that means you will have to provide substantial proof such as a history of arrests or some other concrete indication. I can understand a reluctance to rely on someone who is actively in addiction. He may not always be that way. How do you deal with him having care and control of your son when he has his parenting time?

[tmac]

Yes it tough. We don't have agreement finalized yet. So son has every second weekend with him now. But I have asked he refrain from drugs and alcohol while he has our son. I guess his lawyer has asked him to go to addition counselling. I truly hope he does and does change for our son.
It is nerve wracking a bit I just worry

It's in the agreement refrain from non prescription drugs and alcohol while he has our son

[Beachnana]

Decision making is only things like what religion, medical if it's a life and death thing, what school he should go to

Not a big deal rarely something you actually have to worry about unless their is a major medical decision or child is failing a grade

[tmac]

Yes nothing To major. Just not sure where he is at when I need to make decisions

[standing on the sidelines]

The problem is he is never around. The decision making is because he is unprodectable bad drug and alcohol problem

The mortgage payment is do to the diffebce in income.

He works hours that are not able to do 50/50 and doesn't have a stable place to live

he will be able to get a stable place to live once the current home is sold. Its tough enough to make mortgage payments and pay rent but I take it you are living in the house so you should be paying minimum half. I really dont care if the income is different. Why should he pay more then half when he isnt even living there.

He may be able to change his hours to do 50/50.

so far your two excuses for not doing 50/50 do not fly. Now the drinking and drugs is different. Was he doing that when you were dating? Does he have a record for DUI or drugs?

[tmac]

I have many conversation with hi dealers on texts that I have The fact that he spent $15000 in 2014 and again in2015 for booze and drugs and I had to pay 100% of all the payments bills and groceries for 3 months as no work. After being screamed at and thrown around told if I were to ever call the cops I'd not be ok. Are you kidding me. All while my son tells my baby sitter. His dad is mean and yells at us and hurts him mom he out weighs me by 100 pounds and taller by just about a foot

[arabian]

I'd drop the name-change thing. It's kind of a low-blow and all it does is inflame matters. (Kid can change his name when he's 18).

Some things to suggest at the 4-way: voluntary drug testing - ask him for ideas on how you can be assured that he isn't using when has son (put it to him to come up with solution/suggestions); cell phone for son with agreement that son call you at any time and you will pick him up should father be using; parenting courses for both of you (mandatory).

[tmac]

Just makes it aqward when dealing with doctors school activities but oh well no big deal
Good idea on the drugs issue and great idea on the phone

Parenting class I took a couple months ago father not yet knows he has to but not as of yet

[arabian]

I was marred for 30 years and never changed my name. My son had his father's surname. Sure made things easier years later when we divorced! My son's teachers and friends called me Mrs. (son's surname). I never corrected anyone because it didn't matter. If you don't make a big deal about it no one else will. My parents were the only people who didn't like that I didn't change my name. My then-husband didn't care. I work in medical field and I can assure you that no one cares what your child's name is....health care number is what's important. If you find it awkward then why don't you change your name?

In order to have a non-confrontational, constructive 4-way meeting, perhaps suggest that both you and your ex submit to random drug testing?

[tmac]

Yes that makes sense. And yes both to test. As I have tried once 30 yrs ago and haven't touched it since