Ex's Mother Harassment

[Dadoftwo]

Hi everyone,

So long story short, I have 50/50 access with the mother (7 days with me wed to wed and 7 days with her etc etc). She is highly confrontational (even OCL included in their report) and she has continued to harass me over the years. I have successfully won an order by the judge that she refrain from showing up at the school, kids activities etc on my time a couple weeks ago.

Due to her incessant need for conflict however, she has since been sending in her mother to the school to show up and volunteer at activities. I'm all for the kids having healthy relationships on both sides but the mother has openly harassed my family (via email) and my common law spouse and I in front of the children (comments that she says etc in front of the children which I know causes them anxiety).

I asked the exes lawyer to ask the mother in law to refrain but he said he wasn't her lawyer so couldn't do anything about it.

So - wondering what would be the recommended next step? I'm self represented so don't have a lawyer to ask.

Thanks

[standing on the sidelines]

I would talk to the school. she isn't a parent to the kids in question so they may be willing to sit her down for a talk about what is acceptable behaviour and tell her that if she doesn't follow the guidelines set out then she will be banned from school property.

[arabian]

Perhaps use of a video camera at times of pick-up would deter the MIL?

I really like the use of registered mail. Depending upon how severe things are you could perhaps consider a carefully worded, friendly but brief letter be directed to the MIL outlining your concerns and recommendations for "acceptable positive behaviour" to be displayed in the presence of the children? Emphasize that in all situations, the happiness and best interests of the children should be considered, derogatory remarks are therefore unacceptable.

[Links17]

I would talk to the school bad enough u have to do with crazy ex-spouses, dealing with their mothers is just too much...

[Dadoftwo]

Thanks everyone. I usually try to leave the school out of these things but i may have no choice. So here's what we are thinking of doing:

- send email to ex's mother with wording to not attend the school or other activities on my time. I have never emailed her directly so actually preferred to email the lawyer and ask him to pass it on to my ex who would then pass it on to her mother hopefully but not sure if this is the best route)

- meet with the principal of the school and discuss recent order (for ex to refrain from attending school), discuss the email I sent to her mother, and ask that they support my position.

Make sense? For first point let me know if you think option 2 would work as that is my preferred path but not sure it's the best.

Thanks

[HammerDad]

I think the first step is to talk to the school and also email the ex-MIL to ask that when you and her are in each others company that she refrain from interacting with you or, at a minimum, that she cease making negative or disparaging comments about you, especially when the children are present. That you do not and will not speak negatively of her around the children and that you intend on being pleasant to her at all time and treat her with respect, and that you expect the same efforts to be made in return. That it isn't in the children's best interests to hear derogatory and/or negative remarks of their other parent, and that you don't make such comments when around the children.

I say the above because telling someone they can't do something is going to instantly put them on the defensive, and because they don't like you, will do it more out of spite. The above puts it out there that you are trying to be reasonable and facilitate the children's relationship with them, even on your time, but won't accept being degraded, especially in front of the children.

Once that fails, you send another letter stating that you provided them with an opportunity to act reasonably and they failed. That because of their refusal to act respectfully, that they refrain from attending the school during your parenting time. That you will be advising the school of the issue and the reasoning for this request. That should they persist, your next step will be to file a motion in court restricting their attendance at the school to during the ex's parenting time.

That leaves a nice paper trail. You come off at the start as being reasonable. But then, due to their actions, you take reasonable steps to mitigate conflict and stress on the children. It is like leading them along with a carrot.

[arabian]

I personally think people email too much. If/when you decide to communicate with the MIL why not use the regular mail service? Email, to me, implies that you are personal friends and it is too easy for the recipient to fire the thing off (while tempers are hot) to people who had no business receiving it. Email can also encourage communication when you really don't want any. In this case you want to send a serious warning, not start up a debate which email tends to encourage.

If you want the letter to not be "threatening" then you can consider actually putting pen to paper and writing a note and mailing it.

Just my opinion.

[stripes]

I think HammerDad's suggestion is good. You can't actually forbid Grandma from coming to the school (you don't own the school), so telling her not to show up on your parenting days would be toothless, and would probably just escalate things. A message setting out acceptable standards of conduct which are binding on you as well as her is less confrontational, and as HD points out, creates a paper trail in case Grandma doesn't cut it out.

Getting the school involved at this point also won't go anywhere unless Grandma is actively disrupting their programmes. They won't want to take sides with either you or her, especially because the existing court order only refers to Mom, not Grandma.

[ninehundredt]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I expect to be dealing with this type of situation soon as well. Sounds like an absolute nightmare. I concur with HammerDad's advice. Very sensible.

[Dadoftwo]

Hi everyone - just wanted to give an update. So shortly after I wrote this the ex's mother again was very harassing to me in front of the children (they could hear/see everything she was doing and they got stressed from it). I realized that an email wouldn't do anything (seeing things from a mature POV has never been either of their strong points) and so went to speak to the principle. I had in hand a reminder of our custody order (I had shown it to him before) as well as the most recent order from the judge that the ex not be at the school during my time as well as her lawyers response to my request that the ex's mother not attend as well (to show I had already directly asked and they had not agreed). The principle completely understood my position and agreed that the ex and her mother should stay away during my access time. He said he would speak to the ex about it. Just got the email yesterday from the principle that the ex has agreed to not have her mother show up during my time. I don't like to involve the school but was nice to have their support and to have this resolved quickly. Thanks for all the advice everyone!

[Links17]

Way to go, most of the time with people like this just skip straight to authorities - they don't respect anything but power.

[LovingFather32]

You can't actually forbid Grandma from coming to the school (you don't own the school), so telling her not to show up on your parenting days would be toothless, and would probably just escalate things.

Actually you can forbid grandma from entering school property (even if you don't own the school). Right now we have a situation similar to yours in our school. The increased stress on the child due to the ex MIL showing up caused a "trespass order" to be issued. She is no longer allowed on the school grounds. Will it escalate things? Perhaps. But at least not during school time and in front of the child's peers and teacher's.

[Tayken]

The principle completely understood my position and agreed that the ex and her mother should stay away during my access time.

Glad to see that the principal acted properly. It really is up to the principal to determine who can attend at the school. If the person (even a parent) is being disruptive they can prevent someone from attending at the school.

[Tayken]

Actually you can forbid grandma from entering school property (even if you don't own the school). Right now we have a situation similar to yours in our school. The increased stress on the child due to the ex MIL showing up caused a "trespass order" to be issued. She is no longer allowed on the school grounds. Will it escalate things? Perhaps. But at least not during school time and in front of the child's peers and teaches.

Correct. The Principal can do this and should when non-parents are at the school. Although the word "parent" is in grandparent they are not a parent. Parents and principals need to set the boundaries.