Email threats from his lawyer

[SuzieSunshine]

Since our separation in early 2014 and as per our written agreement signed last winter the ex has picked up the kids at 5pm after work. For the last 8 years he has worked until around 5pm every day.

Now, all of a sudden he has decided to only work until 2:30 pm every other Friday (and work until 5:00 pm the other Friday) and wants to pickup at school.

Our agreement clearly says for the residential schedule that I pickup after school and he picks up at my residence at 5pm. Our agreement also has a sub paragraph that says if he can get off early we can work together so that he can pick them up early.

Friday is the only day that I do not work and enjoy spending time after school and enjoy picking up after school before they leave for 5 days with dad.

It does not say he has the right to pick them up early at his time of choice. He has even gone to the extent of using the paragraph to justify he does PA day pickup at 8am every PA day (because I have kids overnight every Thur).

I offered a compromise for pickup at 4pm, he said that was unacceptable. I offered a second compromise that he does early pickup on his 2 days of the week that they are in daycare when I work. He declined.

Now he has hired a lawyer that is sending me emails telling me I must allow him his demands and I am going against the agreement.

What are my options? Give in to his bully tactics? Ignore his threats and lawyer threats? Hire a lawyer with no money to reply?

[stripes]

Your agreement says:

1. He picks them up at your residence at 5.00.
2. If he gets off early, you work together so that he can pick up the kids early.

It sounds like you are offering suggestions for how he can spend more time with the kids now that his work schedule has changed, so you are trying to work with him, as your agreement requires. So I think you are in the clear to ignore letters from his lawyer.

On the other hand, his work change only affects one afternoon every second week, so he's not proposing a massive revision of your schedule. Given that this isn't a huge change, would it be reasonable to say "sure, you can pick up the kids from school at 2.30 instead of from my place at 5.00 every second Friday"? This might be a battle that's not worth having.

[SuzieSunshine]

On the other hand, his work change only affects one afternoon every second week, so he's not proposing a massive revision of your schedule. Given that this isn't a huge change, would it be reasonable to say "sure, you can pick up the kids from school at 2.30 instead of from my place at 5.00 every second Friday"? This might be a battle that's not worth having.

I agree, this is an option. Something I have agreed to last month for 1 day. Then it turns into every day. Then after he takes that it is onto the next issue, and then the next one. He has dozens of issues of things we agreed to that he wants to take away and change from time spent so he has more than 60% with the kids to ending support and reducing CS to education to who pays for school lunches, etc.

Give in on one thing and the flood gates open to give in on everything.

But logically, if I give in on Fridays and in turn ask to spend say Tue after school instead of daycare and change my hours he will deny that and say something stupid like daycare is more important then spending time with mom.

Ugghh conflict is great!

[ele110]

You CAN work together but you do NOT have to.
This is your time with the kids. I would stick to the schedule in the agreement. Be a rock. You have things planned with the kids at that time and will not change the schedule. And don't tell him what you have planned. It is none of his business.

[PeacefulMoments]

What about proposing one of those Fridays pickup at your place per status quo and the next one pickup at school at 2:30 per his request. Basically splitting down the middle. One time your way, one time his way but make this on a regular basis.

[SuzieSunshine]

What about proposing one of those Fridays pickup at your place per status quo and the next one pickup at school at 2:30 per his request. Basically splitting down the middle. One time your way, one time his way but make this on a regular basis.

I proposed that but was told by him and his lawyer that Friday is his day and belongs to him and that our agreement defines all he as to do is notify me when he will pick them up (say he wants 8am, 12pm, 3pm, etc) and I must comply.

If I agree to his demand of pickups when he wants after school I agree in the summer to 8am by default and lose the entire day with the kids.

[ele110]

'Friday is his day and belongs to him and that our agreement defines all he as to do is notify me when he will pick them up (say he wants 8am, 12pm, 3pm, etc) and I must comply'
Is this written in the agreement?

[stripes]

I proposed that but was told by him and his lawyer that Friday is his day and belongs to him and that our agreement defines all he as to do is notify me when he will pick them up (say he wants 8am, 12pm, 3pm, etc) and I must comply.

If I agree to his demand of pickups when he wants after school I agree in the summer to 8am by default and lose the entire day with the kids.

Don't take advice from your ex's lawyer. What are the exact words in your agreement? If it says "Dad shall pick up the kids on Friday when he finishes work", then pickup time will shift as his work shifts. If your agreement says "Dad shall pick up the kids at 5.00 on Friday", then you don't have agree to an earlier pickup time on Friday unless you choose to.

But really, don't take advice from his lawyer.

[SuzieSunshine]

'Friday is his day and belongs to him and that our agreement defines all he as to do is notify me when he will pick them up (say he wants 8am, 12pm, 3pm, etc) and I must comply'
Is this written in the agreement?

This is how he interprets the agreement.

The agreement clearly is worded I pickup every Friday at school and he picks up at 5pm. It also says if he wants early pickups I will be flexible to work with him.

It does not say I must be flexible and agree to his demands or does it say I cannot disagree with his pickup times.

[dad2bandm]

...Friday is the only day that I do not work and enjoy spending time after school and enjoy picking up after school before they leave for 5 days with dad...

It sounds like Dad is trying to get some of the same "enjoyment" on these alternate Fridays, that you currently enjoy every Friday. It seems like it would be "every other week", so that sounds like you both get to enjoy this, every other week.

[stripes]

This is how he interprets the agreement.

The agreement clearly is worded I pickup every Friday at school and he picks up at 5pm. It also says if he wants early pickups I will be flexible to work with him.

It does not say I must be flexible and agree to his demands or does it say I cannot disagree with his pickup times.

Then it is clear. He cannot pick up the kids before 5 pm on Friday unless you agree. His lawyer is wrong.

Only you can decide whether it would be a good idea to let him pick up the kids early every other Friday. On the one hand, allowing this flexibility so he can have more time with the kids is a reasonable-parent thing to do, because there is very little cost to you, and presumably having more time with Dad is good for kids and Dad. On the other hand, if your experience has taught you that every time you are flexible with Dad, he takes it as a green light to hassle you about more changes, it would be reasonable to say no. Dad isn't likely to change his stripes, so you have to make a decision based on the behavior he has demonstrated in the past.

[Links17]

My ex-wife tried some stupidities like and the judge noted in the most recent judge how parsiminous my ex-wife - just before awarding me shared custody and ending the moron's alimony.

You are the custodial parent, there is no risk of losing contact with your kids, as an EOW dad there is like 50% chance he just disappears - 2hrs for you is like 2% of your weekly time, 2hrs for him is like 15% of his weekly time.

Give it to him... it doesnt cost you money and switch your flex-time to another day...

[blinkandimgone]

My ex-wife tried some stupidities like and the judge noted in the most recent judge how parsiminous my ex-wife - just before awarding me shared custody and ending the moron's alimony.

You are the custodial parent, there is no risk of losing contact with your kids, as an EOW dad there is like 50% chance he just disappears - 2hrs for you is like 2% of your weekly time, 2hrs for him is like 15% of his weekly time.

Give it to him... it doesnt cost you money and switch your flex-time to another day...

Agreed, when you look at the breakdown that way, it makes even more sense, and puts the selfishness into perspective.

[stripes]

The problem is the bigger picture: if Dad is reasonable, then this makes sense as a minor concession by Mom. But it Dad isn't reasonable, any concessions by Mom may be interpreted as opening the door for a whole lot of other headaches. The problem is that unreasonable people don't think the way reasonable people do. I've learned the hard way not to give in on apparently minor issues which are not (to me) a big deal, because if I conceded anything at all, the ex took it as "well, since you agree I am right about minor issue x, I expect you to give me what I want on major issues y, z, a, b, and c as well". So I've had to stand my ground even when I don't really have strong feelings about the issue because of the give-an-inch-take-a-yard-and-throw-a-fit problem. Only Mom can judge whether Dad is reasonable (in which case sure, let him pick up the kids early) or not.

[Links17]

The problem is the bigger picture: if Dad is reasonable, then this makes sense as a minor concession by Mom. But it Dad isn't reasonable, any concessions by Mom may be interpreted as opening the door for a whole lot of other headaches. The problem is that unreasonable people don't think the way reasonable people do. I've learned the hard way not to give in on apparently minor issues which are not (to me) a big deal, because if I conceded anything at all, the ex took it as "well, since you agree I am right about minor issue x, I expect you to give me what I want on major issues y, z, a, b, and c as well". So I've had to stand my ground even when I don't really have strong feelings about the issue because of the give-an-inch-take-a-yard-and-throw-a-fit problem. Only Mom can judge whether Dad is reasonable (in which case sure, let him pick up the kids early) or not.

This is pure kettle meets pot in most cases...