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  • Blackmail

    Hey all! Long time no Bitchin!! Haha
    Happy thanksgiving to you all,
    Here's my gripe I'm asking for your opinions so fire away! As we are all ex's we know we are never asked for our opinions except on here! Lol

    EOW order, ex wants kids on my weekend, now wouldn't be a big deal except we have plans and b) he refuses to take them to their activities on any weekend.
    Now I needed a travel letter from him, his response to me was through an email stating that in order for me to get the TL I need to give him the kids on my weekend (that he is asking for).


  • #2
    - Will he agree to take the kids to their activities on that weekend?
    - Do you have an Order/agreement that deals with travel?


    • #3
      (Try to) Forget the blackmail crap and all other 'emotional history' and try to think objectively
      - How much notice did he give?
      - What is are advantages/disadvantages for the kids (i.e. is this to attend his wedding, but they would miss a routine sport practice?)
      - Does he agree to switch with another weekend?

      I'd be careful of appearing to refuse JUST because he is attempting blackmail.

      Separate the 2 issues in your response.

      Make it clear that you consider his actions as blackmail, and that if you don't get the letter, you will initiate an emergency motion, and that as a consequence of his blackmail you will also be requesting a permanent waiver of the need for TL's from him.


      • #4
        Ugh. No advice but a big hug. What a douche nozzle.

        My kidlet loves gymnastics. LOVES it. The co-parent refuses to take him claiming he's already "overscheduled".

        Maddening, but nothing I can do. Can you ask via your lawyer?


        • #5
          I've dealt with similar situations during the divorce negotiation phase (ex reneged on agreements to swap weekends because I wouldn't give in to his wishes concerning asset-splitting).

          My one piece of advice is that if it's gotten to the point where he's saying explicitly "because you wouldn't do x for me, I won't do y for you", you're in a situation in which if you do agree to do y in order to get x, you're teaching the other party that these kinds of tactics are effective and he will use them again and again. So I would hold firm on this one and tell him that these are separate issues, you are not trading off weekends against travel letters. He can give you the travel letter on request or not give it to you, but you are not going to bargain with weekends. This will cause inconvenience for you now, but it will save you a lot more problems in the long run.

          In future, maybe consider more flexibility about his requests (is there a good reason he wants the kids this weekend, and would it be a big deal if they missed their activities once?). This will give him less ammunition for being a jerk ("well, you wouldn't help me out when I asked, so why should I help you?").

          (And just a fussy language point - it's not blackmail, which is when you threaten to reveal compromising information about someone if they don't pay you off. This is just basic being-a-jerk behavior).


          • #6
            Well just to be more fussy:

            ˈblakˌmāl/<INPUT height=14 src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAA4AAAAOCAQAAAC 1QeVaAAAAi0lEQVQokWNgQAYyQFzGsIJBnwED8DNcBpK+DM8Yf jMUokqxMRxg+A9m8TJsBLLSEFKMDCuBAv/hCncxfGWQhUn2gaVAktkMXkBSHmh0OwNU8D9csoHhO4MikN7Bc AGb5H+GYiDdCTQYq2QubkkkY/E6CLtXdiJ7BTMQMnAHXxFm6IICvhwY8AYQLgCw2U9d90B8BAAA AABJRU5ErkJggg==" type=image width=14><AUDIO data-dobid="aud" preload="auto" src="" oncanplaythrough=" = 'inline-block'"></AUDIO>
            noun: blackmail
            the action, treated as a criminal offense, of demanding money from a person in return for not revealing compromising or injurious information about that person.
            "they were acquitted of charges of blackmail"
            <TABLE class="vk_tbl vk_gy"> <TBODY> <TR> <TD class=lr_dct_nyms_ttl style="PADDING-RIGHT: 3px">synonyms:</TD> <TD>extortion; More informalhush money;
            "he was accused of blackmail"


            • money demanded from a person in return for not revealing injurious information.
              "we do not pay blackmail"
            • the use of threats or the manipulation of someone's feelings to force them to do something.
              "out of fear, she submitted to Jim's emotional blackmail"

            verb: blackmail; 3rd person present: blackmails; past tense: blackmailed; past participle: blackmailed; gerund or present participle: blackmailing
            demand money from (a person) in return for not revealing compromising or injurious information about that person.
            "trying to blackmail him for $400,000"
            <TABLE class="vk_tbl vk_gy"> <TBODY> <TR> <TD class=lr_dct_nyms_ttl style="PADDING-RIGHT: 3px">synonyms:</TD> <TD>extort money from, threaten; informaldemand hush money from
            "he was blackmailing the murderer"


            • force (someone) to do something by using threats or manipulating their feelings.
              "he had blackmailed her into sailing with him"
              <TABLE class="vk_tbl vk_gy"> <TBODY> <TR> <TD class=lr_dct_nyms_ttl style="PADDING-RIGHT: 3px">synonyms:</TD> <TD>coerce, pressurize, pressure, force; More informallean on, put the screws on, twist someone's arm
              "she blackmailed me to work for her"


            I agree on not giving in, they are completely separate, unrelated issues and I would continue to deal with them that way. When communicating about changing the schedule, focus only on that and do not respond to anything regarding the travel letter. When communicating on he travel letter, do not get drawn into addressing the schedule.

            If you absolutely refuse to link them or address them in the same conversations, he will get the picture. Hopefully.


            • #7
              Being even FUSSIER, because I can, I'm not seeing the emotional or financial element of blackmail here. This looks like an example of attempted quid pro quo: "an exchange of goods or services in which one transfer is contingent upon the other", according to the dictionary.


              • #8
                thanks yes i understand blackmail, perhaps my use of term was dramatic but hey gotta live up to the title of ex wife! haha tongue in cheek im kidding!

                order states:
                eow weekend generous parenting time when both parties agree.
                dispersed fathers signature for passports
                cannot take children out of Canada unless written permission from father or by order of the court
                states that father will take children to their scheduled activities

                yes he has given me a weeks notice for the weekend,
                yes I have accomodated his previous requests for other weekends
                he usually is working so he misses alot of his weekends usually sees the kids once a month for a weekend.

                he tells me via email, he will take children to their activities yet upon return I find out they did not go to their activities as he forgets or has vehicle troubles, when I drop the children off I expect him not to follow through, however, it is his relationship he is hurting with his children not my part. we do not communicate at drop offs or pick ups

                I travel 30 minutes to drop off and pick up, (not stated in order)
                if I ask him to come to the children's home town he refuses and will not pick them up and will accuse me of denying him access, therefore I drive in.
                I keep my replies business-like and strictly to the subject regarding children which is usually for pick up and drop off,
                scheduled trial last year got our trial date this year he adjourned sine die, since then we have had a case conference scheduled 2 weeks ago his lawyer has asked for an adjournment as they are going to prepare a settlement....*rolls eyes** i am cautiously optimistic on that.


                • #9
                  if I ask him to come to the children's home town he refuses and will not pick them up and will accuse me of denying him access, therefore I drive in.
                  "The children will be made available for you to pick up at XX time."

                  That is no way a denial of access. Should he choose not to pick up the children he is choosing not to exercise his access.


                  • #10
                    Thank you Blink!!! Omg! I fall victim to his demands somehow! I absolutely try to change, but if i dont follow through with his demands he blows up my phone texts and emails with how rotten i am and he will say you know what your doing is child abuse, i do not respond to those but i do usually need a double shot of bailey's in my coffee those days!


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                      "The children will be made available for you to pick up at XX time."

                      That is no way a denial of access. Should he choose not to pick up the children he is choosing not to exercise his access.
                      Ringette... Same happening to me right now. Falling victim and giving in. Most recently with driving.

                      Good advice here. Follow it.


                      • #12
                        Easy solution, communicate via email only. Let him know that due to the excessive number of texts you will no longer be able to text.

                        He will continue to text you. If there is anything requiring a response, you take ALL of the texts from that day and reply to them in a single email at your leisure and remind him that you will only communicate via email, by phone if necessary in urgent/emergency situations.

                        He will still continue to text you. Download an auto response app and have it set to reply to his texts with "Your SMS to XXX-XXX-XXXX was unable to be delivered. Additional data charges may apply."

                        Once you implement the above auto-response, don't reply to his texts at all. He can email you if necessary. Set up a filter to send the emails to a folder rather than getting a notification every time, and check the folder once per day.

                        Let him say whatever he wants, and he most definitely WILL rant and rave. But I'll tell you a secret: you're not his wife anymore. You have no obligation to entertain his abuse, rants, demands or anything. Reply only to anything relevant, civil and necessary pertaining to the care of the children.

                        You're just need to re-train yourself - and by doing so, you'll be re-training him as well.

                        You can do it!


                        • #13
                          My daughter had the same problem. So she did send an email stating she will only receive emails in communication and only to her personal email, not,her work email,mmplus,she does not,except,phone calls and she has no voicemail, as he would fill it with irate nasty messages.

                          Works a charm.


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