Not sure what to do anymore

[tbut37]

three years separated, I have primary care of Daughter age 4, father has access. The access percentage is 85% with me and 15% with father. This % is only in the last 10 months, before that was even less. All this by his decision, I have never prevented him from seeing her and even encourage him. Lately he is going back to his old routing of cutting his own access time with her.
my issue is that our separation agreement has yet to me finalized. After three years we still cannot get along over the simplest of issues concerning our daughter. This concerns me as I make sure he is implicated in the decision making but he either doesn't reply to my emails (only method of communication) as he was verbally abusive and I would not stand for that any longer and did not want to subject my daughter to this.
my question is we have it down as joint custody with primary care with myself. I am wondering if it wouldn't be best to ask for sole custody as we really cannot get along and don't see signs of improvement. I am not seeking this out of spite but more for the sake of my daughter. any thoughts on this? thanks!

[FaithandMorals]

Very unlikely you will get sole. Shame on you for even considering it.

Custody decides the school, religion, medical etc. Why wouldn't you want another opinion to consult in your child's best interest?

If he doesn't engage you make the decision anyway.

[Berner_Faith]

There are cases where sole happens. Especially if he is withholding consent on important aspect in the child's life, like not consenting to required medical treatment, but if this is just about sports or such it's not worth the effort to attempt sole. You will need some very compelling proof.

Why not suggest parallel parenting?

[dinkyface]

Parallel implies he takes the lead on health or education ( not sure how else it can be split).

What problems do you foresee that sole custody will solve?

[tbut37]

please I've had enough put downs from my ex without having to hear shame on me for considering sole custody. Shame on parents men and women who do not take responsibility for their children, shame on them for not wanting more quality time with their children. or want nothing but the best health and education wise. I just wanted constructive opinions, I want what is best for my child. I would like to know how I should word it in our agreement that if he says no for her to play a certain sport or to join certain groups because he thinks it will cost him $ which he does not pay for any at all that I can make those decisions without it causing a war. I do consult with him, and do not dictate how his time should be spent with his daughter ever.

[Berner_Faith]

Put in parallel parenting. Most sports and groups are not considered S7 expenses (unless they are super expensive or you both have very low income) so it's not something you have to have his input for.

You can sign your child up for whatever you want but if you want his financial contribution or you want him to take her during his time he most likely has to consent.

Parallel parenting will prevent you from having to get his consent on certain aspects.

[tbut37]

Thank you Berner_Faith. I will look into that

[stripes]

How is your separation agreement being negotiated - between lawyers or between the two of you? You (or your lawyer) can propose amending it to give you sole custody and see how your ex reacts. Make sure he knows that custody and child support are not identical - in other words, his financial obligations are the same regardless of whether custody is sole or joint.

Either he won't object because he doesn't have that much to do with the child anyway (in which case you're in the clear) or he will object. If he objects, you will have to think about whether you have a strong case for sole custody. Just the fact that you can't get along with him isn't enough - lots of people have contentious relations with their exes and share custody. You would have to be able to demonstrate to a judge that your ex is incapable of participating in decision-making about the child, not just that he's a jerk. Someone with a severe untreated mental illness might be incapable. However, people on prison have joint custody agreements, as do people with alcoholism and other problems, so the bar for changing custody from joint to sole over the objections of one parent is pretty high.

If the problem is that you and your ex don't have good communication, there are other ways to improve matters short of changing custody. Our Family Wizard is one programme many members have used. Mediation (binding and non-binding), parallel parenting agreements and parenting coaches are also possibilities. You can search threads on this site for more information.

[tbut37]

It may sound trivial that I am talking about sports, but its also education and health. I have issues concerning those also. example she goes to a day care in the next town 10 minutes away from where we live but I have to register her to the school in our town. I have asked his input about registering her in the same school as her daycare because if I don't it would mean she would have to change day cares as well for after school. I find this to be too many changes for her as she has already gone through her parents separation, changing from private care to public daycare because he would not pay his share if he didn't have a receipt which the private care did not provide. When it comes to health he does not take her if she is sick, and when he does, won't give her the medication because he is not comfortable doing so. These are the issues I am concerned about, not whether she plays soccer or does swimming.

[tbut37]

We are doing our separation through lawyers.

[Links17]

I think the current scam is to say shared custody but you have the final say. It means you tell him, he says whatever and you do what you want.

[dinkyface]

If you put in for parallel, then he gets full control over education, or health. How does that help you with activities???
Regardless of sole or joint custody, either of you can sign up kids for activities on your own time only.
Regardless of sole or joint custody, he will be required to pay a % of extraordinary activities/expenses. Regular activities ( e.g. weekly group swim lessons) you pay for.

So I don't see sole custody as a solution. You're stuck with this.

[stripes]

You probably don't want to hear this, but I think he's right on the daycare front. Without receipts, he has no way of confirming that the expense was indeed incurred. Any reputable business (including child care) will provide receipts, because they have to for tax purposes. And it sounds like you have an alternative for daycare, if you were able to switch to a "public" daycare (not clear what the difference between public and private is here). So sole custody won't resolve this issue.

Is there a reason why he would not want her registered in the school where her daycare is?

As for the medical issues, it would depend on what the medication is and how essential it is to your daughter's health, and how many times this has happened. If she's only with him for less than 15% of the time, I don't see this as a major issue, unless she has significant medical needs. Parents, even non-divorced ones, can and do disagree on health issues without endangering the child.

I'm not really seeing many issues here which would be fixed by sole custody. It sounds like you and you ex disagree on some issues, not that he is incapable of decision-making.

[FaithandMorals]

Do you know what custody actually is? It is decision making. That's it.

Nothing to do with time or money.

Even with Joint - if he doesn't participate you can make the decision.

If he disagrees for a silly reason - in the best interest of the child - you can make the decision.

Anybody that is expected to pay for something should be entitled to a receipt.

Him not giving meds to a young child is not solved with sole to you.

Whether your child will go through too much changing daycares will not be solved by sole to you.

To get sole you will need better reasons than you cited. He is an involved parent by being there 15% of the time. Not something I consider a fully involved parent but more than some parents give to their children.

[dinkyface]

I'm a bit puzzled about the school issue. You say you HAVE to register in your own town- that makes sense. So you have no choices to make in this issue.. So he has no grounds to withhold his permission. Go ahead and register...school offices don't routinely require both signatures.