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  • Mom's Alcohol abuse

    Long story short.

    I am a father of two. Daughter 13 and Son 18. Divorced 4+ years.My mother pulled me aside recently to share something my daughter had told her when out spending time together. She said that her mom ( my ex ) is drinking a lot, falling down and being verbal and emotionally abusive to her and her son from current marriage who is 2. My daughter often texts me telling me whats goes on their and I have been saving them in case I ever needed it. My daughter really doesn't like being with her mom. Her preference is to be with me and only visit her mom. What concerns me most is that my daughter told my mom that my ex's parents are concerned with her drinking as is her current husband. I am not sure what to do. My daughter is afraid and is asking to leave the house. Some important history that should be noted. I called the CAS several years ago because my ex physically abused my son then 14. Police and CAS did nothing because by the time the police arrived ( over 24hrs ) the welt had disappeared

  • #2
    First thing you need to understand is that children do the best in life when they have access to both parents. So know that anything you do to try to remove parental time from your ex can and will come back to bite you in the ass if you do it with malicious intent.

    However, taking your post at face value and assuming what you say is true, your youngest child is pretty much at the age where she can decide her own access.

    If you have a lawyer, make an appointment to go in to discuss how to proceed. My advice would be to first notify the other party with a letter from a lawyer to voice your and your daughters concerns and to see if they're willing to vary the access order w/o going to court until they get themselves some help with their drinking problem at which point, your daughter can decide if she wants to spend some more time with her mother. That would be fair and it would keep you out of court and give the other party a fair chance to improve the situation and get some help for her addiction issue.

    Otherwise, you can simply file a motion and do the same thing without notifying the other party. Its likely, however, this will obviously be more final, more stressful to the other party and to your child who will have to voice her position. Doing things like this can permanently damage the relationship between the child and other parent so personally, I wouldn't do it without trying another softer alternative first.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by agreatdad View Post
      Long story short.
      So is the answer...

      Kids Help Phone - free, anonymous, 24/7 telephone and online counselling | Kids Help Phone

      Have your daughter call the Kids Help Phone to talk to a professional that can help her with this. Don't make the issue about custody, access and the parents. Your daughter is old enough to call this free service and talk to a professional and to find out from a professional what her rights are under the law.

      Do not get involved and inform your daughter on how she can seek help from a professional. If there is truly a problem, the professional will do something and is obligated to in accordance with the law.

      The other resource is the guidance counsellor at school.

      Good Luck!
      Tayken

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      • #4
        School counsellor might also refer her to teen anon (I think that is what it is called) or al anon.

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        • #5
          School counsellor might also refer her to teen anon
          The Al-Anon (for adults) and Alateen (for teens) program is a Twelve Step program for the relatives and friends of alcoholics or someone who is or has been a problem drinker.

          However, Al-Anon and Alateen focus on alcoholism and alcohol issues, not other substance abuse problems.

          Local Al-Anon meeting information for most of the US and Canada is available on Al-Anon’s website, www.al-anon.alateen.org or by calling their toll free meeting information number, 888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666), which is available from 8 am to 6 pm ET, Monday – Friday.

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          • #6
            Have your daughter call the Kids Help Phone to talk to a professional that can help her with this. Don't make the issue about custody, access and the parents. Your daughter is old enough to call this free service and talk to a professional and to find out from a professional what her rights are under the law.
            Tayken, while I agree that the phoneline is an excellent resource, I can tell you from my own experience with my child...its not always easy for kids to call strangers on these issues. Depending on the personality of this child, this strategy might not work.

            Your other suggestion, a one-on-one with a school guidance counsellor might be a better suggestion for kid's that have trouble opening up.

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            • #7
              Have your daughter call the Kids Help Phone to talk to a professional that can help her with this. Don't make the issue about custody, access and the parents. Your daughter is old enough to call this free service and talk to a professional and to find out from a professional what her rights are under the law.
              Tayken, while I agree that the phoneline is an excellent resource, I can tell you from my own experience with my child...its not always easy for kids to call strangers on these issues. Depending on the personality of this child, this strategy might not work.

              Your other suggestion, a one-on-one with a school guidance counsellor might be a better suggestion for kid's that have trouble opening up.
              I don't want to denigrate the Kids Help Phone but if a child goes to their parent for help, I don't think referring them to a third party service of "professionals" is the right thing to do. Great that they are there for kids that feel they have no where else to turn, however when going through their site it took me a while to find out who the counsellors are - Our counsellors | Kids Help Phone

              It shouldn't be a custody issue though. It should be about doing what little you can to assist the mother getting help and supporting the kids have the best appropriate time with her. She probably won't appreciate your efforts but what options do you have?

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              • #8
                I am not sure of the whole story but wonder if there have been other witness to the excessive drinking? All the witness seemed to have been told by the daughter and a daughter who doesn't want to live with mom anymore.

                Do you have a civil relationship with the exs parents so you can talk to them about the concerns that you have about what your daughter is saying? If they have concerns (according to granddaughter) about their daughters drinking then they may be willing to work with you on this.

                Comment

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