Need Help in Divorce with DV

[mhasan2014]

Hello,
I am very new to this forum and I need some advice wrt my divorce and current situation.

My marriage life is more than 10 yrs. I have been separated since middle of 2013 with a restrained order of DV. My ex wife brought false allegations against me. I have 4 yrs kid living with x.

My current situation:
I have no one (any relative) here to assist me regarding my situation. My ex is start refusing to see me kid. She refused to see my kid at the begging for a month. Then with my family lawyer assistance I am able to see him one day in the week for few hours.

We have a house (which is sold but pending issue with real estate lawyer).

I have about fifty grand in my retirement fund which I have no problem share 50%.

My ex view:
She wants to reconcile because she has been living a luxurious life w/o doing anything. I am totally pissed off with the life. I want divorce. She want try her best to ruin my life. Currently, she is refusing to see my kid. I didn’t see my kid over a month.

My view:
I want divorce. I have another few months to meet the requirement so 1 yr separation. I have already spent more than 10 grand with both family and defense lawyer with no improvement of my situation. I want to divorce with access to child.

I would really appreciate your advice regarding my situation and how should I proceed for divorce with child access.

[Links17]

BIts cheaper to keep her....


If I were you

1. I would reconcile
2.- make/asj her to get a job
3. get super involved with your kid (father of the year)
4. Conveniently lose all your assets in bad family investments
5. Send her on all paid vacations as often as possible so you are left with the kids.
6. Ignore her for as long as possible
7. Seperate from her by serving her papers without warningon
8. Live with her in the house very calmly with a voice recorder and when/if she assaults you get a restraining order and throw her ass to the curb anod make her pay CS.

On the other hand, I think marriages should be saved where possible and you should go to counselling etc....

[Rioe]

There's no reconciling with someone who is willing to withhold the child like that. That demonstrates her utter lack of respect for him and her willingness to manipulate him to get what she wants. There's no relationship that can survive one partner being like that. Cheaper monetarily is not a good exchange for ongoing misery.

To the original poster:

Divorce is not the key issue. A separation agreement that sets out child custody and access is what you want. It will also cover equalization (division of assets).

Get your lawyer working on a separation agreement, taking her to court if necessary to accomplish it. Once you have that, the divorce can follow at your leisure.

But you need a lawyer to help with the DV stuff, and with getting you more access to your child ASAP. The longer things drag on as they are now, the more your ex has established that you are not important in the child's life. It's called status quo.

Falsely accusing someone of DV to get them out of the house is a known tactic in family law for a parent to wrest the child away from the other parent. It's usually effective when done by the mother, due to certain societal biases.

[mhasan2014]

Thanks, Links17

I really appreciate your response. I am not in situation to reconcile. Even I am scar to go in front of her b/c of abuse of DV here in Canada. She doesn't really need any proof to get me arrested, She just pick up the phone and call 911 and the cop will just arrest me.

I knew more then 6 months ago before getting arrested,I couldn't avoided this false allegation after counselling with lawyer. There is no way a man can avoid the arrest if his partner want him to go with all this hassle.

Anyway, I need help to proceed with divorce. I don't really care about the money or house. I just want to see my kid often and get rid of this marriage relationship.

Thanks in advance.

[mhasan2014]

There's no reconciling with someone who is willing to withhold the child like that. That demonstrates her utter lack of respect for him and her willingness to manipulate him to get what she wants. There's no relationship that can survive one partner being like that. Cheaper monetarily is not a good exchange for ongoing misery.

To the original poster:

Divorce is not the key issue. A separation agreement that sets out child custody and access is what you want. It will also cover equalization (division of assets).

Get your lawyer working on a separation agreement, taking her to court if necessary to accomplish it. Once you have that, the divorce can follow at your leisure.

But you need a lawyer to help with the DV stuff, and with getting you more access to your child ASAP. The longer things drag on as they are now, the more your ex has established that you are not important in the child's life. It's called status quo.

Falsely accusing someone of DV to get them out of the house is a known tactic in family law for a parent to wrest the child away from the other parent. It's usually effective when done by the mother, due to certain societal biases.

Thanks, Rioe

I think you understand my situation. She is just trying to ruin my life. I have been working as a PM in well know consulting firm here. I am about to loose my Job, b/c I had to refuse my employer to govt. project that my employer won for clearance.

How would I proceed with my separation agreement ( I don't really care about assets division here, I am not looking at the money here, what I have I just made them in last 3-4 years). I need a peaceful life and just want to see my kid. She will not cooperate at all with separation agreement. Should I ask my lawyer to prepare separation agreement and follow up with her and proceed to court if necessary?

My lawyer will file a motion for child access soon.

Thanks,

[Links17]

Assuming she is a Stay at home mother and you have a kid you are going to paying her 40% of your salary for the next 5 years + and child support.

I agree in not staying in a toxic unfixable marriage but you need to have the best exit strategy, divorce (financially) is about compensating mothers who stayed home (to some extent or another) and the compensation is paralyzing generally.

But if you are going to be unemployed and the judge belives you didn't do it on purpose you might be ok.

[Mess]

Thanks, Links17

I really appreciate your response. I am not in situation to reconcile. Even I am scar to go in front of her b/c of abuse of DV here in Canada. She doesn't really need any proof to get me arrested, She just pick up the phone and call 911 and the cop will just arrest me.

I knew more then 6 months ago before getting arrested,I couldn't avoided this false allegation after counselling with lawyer. There is no way a man can avoid the arrest if his partner want him to go with all this hassle.

Anyway, I need help to proceed with divorce. I don't really care about the money or house. I just want to see my kid often and get rid of this marriage relationship.

Thanks in advance.

Sorry, but that is one of the biggest piles of crap I have read on this message board.

[mhasan2014]

Thanks, Links17

Yep, you are right. I am supposed to pay more then two thousand for spousal (SS) and child support (CS). There is a big game of that issue. Actually, I am just paying CS not SS b/c my ex got a job she claimed upon our separation.

At this stage, I am looking straight forward to the divorce option. Please advice. Thanks,

[standing on the sidelines]

Thanks, Links17

Yep, you are right. I am supposed to pay more then two thousand for spousal (SS) and child support (CS). There is a big game of that issue. Actually, I am just paying CS not SS b/c my ex got a job she claimed upon our separation.

At this stage, I am looking straight forward to the divorce option. Please advice. Thanks,

Read what Rioe wrote. Divorce doesn't magically give you the access to the child, that is what the custody/access part of the separation agreement does. All the divorce does is end the marriage. The separation agreement handles all the other stuff.

Please also be careful to what advice you listen to. Some people on this board have been burned (by their ex or even by their own mistakes) and feel like all exs are like theirs. You will figure out who they are pretty quick.

Set a timeline for you lawyer and do not deviate from that. They will burn up your money with useless letters, meetings etc. You are the boss of them and you need to set limits to keep your costs down.

You knew for 6 months she may pull a dv charge on you but didn't take steps to prevent it? Wish you would have found this site sooner, the more learned posters could have told you what steps to take to avoid it.

You need to stop referring to the child as my kid. Get use to using the term our child. The child is a part of both of you, even if the ex doesn't realize that yet.

[arabian]

You can file for a divorce before 1 year if either you or your wife will swear an affidavit of adultery or mental and/or physical abuse.

If you want to get on with things and ^ doesn't apply then you should have your lawyer draw up a separation agreement. If you and your wife were living in a separated manner, under one roof, you can try to use that as your separation date.

You have to decide if you want 50-50 custody of your child or if you want your wife to have sole custody and you have access (every-other-weekend sort of thing). Custody and Access are two entirely different things. If you have shared custody you have a shared voice in all matters concerning the child (medical, educational, religious, moving away etc). These things many not matter to you now but you have to think about what you may want in the future.

Have your lawyer prepare separation agreement.

Others who have gone through this (with minor children) could give you an overview of this process. However, if you could provide more information I'm sure that would be helpful.

[FightingForFamily]

Sorry, but that is one of the biggest piles of crap I have read on this message board.

I tend to agree...

He does have a point though. There really is nothing you can do to avoid a false ALLEGATION. I get them all the time. The plan is to understand that they will be made and have a defense strategy in place immediately so that it stops there and if anything makes the accuser look foolish.

As is commonly advised on the forum, always carry a voice recorder and have it running whenever you are at the same location as your ex. Do not engage or escalate anything with your former partner. If they try to engage you inappropriately (verbally) respond that you are not here to discuss things with them, you are only here to pick up/drop off the child. Otherwise remain silent. If she approaches you or is aggressive, back away or run away if necessary. Do not make warnings (they will be seen as threats). I see my ex every week and yet we have basically never had a conversation in more than 3 years.

Secondly, document, document, document. Keep a journal with dates and times and records of events that occurred. It can be simple and point form and takes just minutes a day. But if you ever need to answer question or show evidence of what happened you have something besides your word. I keep my journals in the form of emails to myself since then they are timestamped and can be proved not to be forgeries. Whenever you have access to your child, do the same. Write down everything you do with the child and how you care for them. The hope is that none of the journals will ever be needed... but if you ever end up speaking to the police you will have some evidence in your favour that no one will expect.

My ex made more wild allegations over Christmas, that I was stealing our autistic child's ADHD medication and that she was going to call the police and have me charged with possession of narcotics. All I had done is refill his prescription on my own because some of his pills got wet and were ruined during my Christmas parenting time. After that, I started carrying my voice recorder again, something I haven't felt the need to do since the divorce was finalized almost 3 years ago. Sigh.

Divorce may seem like an answer, but trust me, nothing ends with divorce. Any problems that existed will continue and if anything get worse. If you had a hard time being married to someone, they will be much, much harder to be divorced from. When you have kids you never really get to close the door on that person.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Please also be careful to what advice you listen to. Some people on this board have been burned (by their ex or even by their own mistakes) and feel like all exs are like theirs. You will figure out who they are pretty quick.

Very true. Be careful to take advice from people who've been smart enough to negotiate their way through the family law process and get a reasonable deal.

Divorce may seem like an answer, but trust me, nothing ends with divorce. Any problems that existed will continue and if anything get worse. If you had a hard time being married to someone, they will be much, much harder to be divorced from. When you have kids you never really get to close the door on that person.

Completely disagree. This is this poster's specific experience with his own ex. A lot of posters on here will tell you that divorcing their ex and dealing with them only with regard to child care issues is much, much better than having to suffer their presence daily.

Divorce can solve a lot of problems but first you have to use the legal system to get a fair custody/access schedule set-up. Its unfortunate you've had a DV charge against you as it will make things more difficult but getting fair access is still doable.

If I were you, I'd be pushing for a custody evaluation.

[FightingForFamily]

Completely disagree. This is this poster's specific experience with his own ex. A lot of posters on here will tell you that divorcing their ex and dealing with them only with regard to child care issues is much, much better than having to suffer their presence daily.

I tend to think my experience in having fairly regular difficulties with my ex is much more common than ex spouses who are chummy and attend Christmas together with their kids.

If someone is difficult and controlling when they are married, I haven't seen many cases where they cease trying to be difficult and controlling (esp with regards to kids) post-divorce.

Thankfully there do exist "happily" divorced couples, but I do not believe they are in the majority.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I tend to think my experience in having fairly regular difficulties with my ex is much more common than ex spouses who are chummy and attend Christmas together with their kids.

I never said anything about being "chummy" with an ex. However, divorce for most people, means minimizing their contact with a difficult ex which is preferrable to having to tolerate their presence on a day-to-day basis.

You also suggested that divorce doesn't solve problems and that the problems you experience in marriage get worse in divorce. This is simply not true. There are a myriad of isues that can potentially be solved upon divorce including things like: Having your own home environment, being free to spend your time the way you prefer, being financially free, etc, etc, etc....far too many to list.

Basically you're suggesting divorce is a net loss rather than a net gain. While that may be true for some...its definitely not true for everyone. I would rate my own divorce as an extremely positive life experience overall. In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently is to do it a lot sooner.

[Tayken]

He does have a point though. There really is nothing you can do to avoid a false ALLEGATION. I get them all the time. The plan is to understand that they will be made and have a defense strategy in place immediately so that it stops there and if anything makes the accuser look foolish.

Education is the key to dealing with a false allegation of domestic violence to gain an upper hand in a matrimonial dispute. But, Mess is completely correct, the OP's posting is complete and utter crap.

Police do not arrest first and ask questions later unless you are ill equipped and ill informed about how to handle the situation. Act like an idiot with the police and guess what will happen? You make the story somewhat "believable".

The police will talk a big game to create fear but, if you are properly informed about how to handle and manage the situation you can and will make it through the situation with ease.

Remain calm and don't panic.

Good Luck!
Tayken