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  • Temporary Restraining orders as custody tactic

    Hi all,

    Married 13 years. High conflict. I have a single DV conviction, *one time event*. Discharged and then convicted on appeal (suspended sentence).

    She left and took kids 5 months ago to Toronto and moved in with her parents. I was driving down on weekends having dinner with her and the children, trying to work things through.

    My daughter sent me an email saying she was fearful of her grandfather and that the grandfather was phsyically abusing my sons. So I called childrens aid and then brought a motion forward on an urgent basis regarding the safety of the children and there abduction.

    At this point she revoked written consent for communication, and she has for the most part not allowed me to see or speak to the children

    She has also managed to get CAS to "recommend" supervised visits based on the fact the DV unfortunately occured in front of the children. CAS sees no problem and they will end shortly they say provided my wife consents to allowing further supervised visits - which she hasn't, so I have had to file to the courts for this.

    Her lawyer is now saying they will pursue a restraining order. I have NEVER breached any conditions of my bail or probation, CAS does not see an issue, and I believe its a tactic to gain full custody.

    Does anyone have experience similar to this ?

  • #2
    I think your version of "trying to work things out" is her version of "harassing and interfering". Stop following her to Toronto and trying to talk to her. If she's talking about a restraining order, your tactics are clearly not working. If you have genuine concerns about the children's safety, you did the right thing in contacting Children's Aid. Now step back.

    With respect to supervised visiting - you've been convicted of assault on the children's mother, so requiring supervision for visits is quite reasonable.

    If she's had the kids with her in Toronto for five months already (status quo, plus she has family support) and you are only now taking any legal action to secure your access to them; CAS is recommending only supervised visits (so they clearly do see an issue); and you have a conviction for domestic violence, I think she may have a pretty good case for sole custody, with you as the access parent. You need to find a good lawyer who will help you prepare to be the best access parent you can possibly be and work towards increasing your access over time.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by stripes View Post
      I think your version of "trying to work things out" is her version of "harassing and interfering". Stop following her to Toronto and trying to talk to her. If she's talking about a restraining order, your tactics are clearly not working. If you have genuine concerns about the children's safety, you did the right thing in contacting Children's Aid. Now step back.

      With respect to supervised visiting - you've been convicted of assault on the children's mother, so requiring supervision for visits is quite reasonable.

      If she's had the kids with her in Toronto for five months already (status quo, plus she has family support) and you are only now taking any legal action to secure your access to them; CAS is recommending only supervised visits (so they clearly do see an issue); and you have a conviction for domestic violence, I think she may have a pretty good case for sole custody, with you as the access parent. You need to find a good lawyer who will help you prepare to be the best access parent you can possibly be and work towards increasing your access over time.

      Stripes, thank you for laying it straight. Just for clarity, the trips to toronto to visit were agreed to. Thank you for your response.

      Comment


      • #4
        You're welcome. I really do feel for you - having my kid so far from me for so long would be really tough - but I think that DV conviction will be following you for a long time. The more you can demonstrate that you've grown and changed since that occurred, the more likely you'll be able to participate fully in your children's lives.

        Comment


        • #5
          Stop calling her. Only communicate via email, and only relating to the children. Nothing more. If/when you do email her, write it in a professional manner, as if you were writing the judge themselves. Generally, right now you should only be emailing her to:

          a. setup your parenting time; and
          b. to see how the kids are doing.

          Outside of that, take the position you don't care about what she is doing. Your life will be easier that way.

          Do not call her unless it is an absolute emergency that relates to the kids. If there is some problem with your aunt, don't bother letting her know, she likely doesn't care....that is unless it relates to the kids.

          Stay child focused. Do not worry about her or what she does. Journal all your involvements with the kids.

          The DV conviction will likely stick for some time. The fact that it occurred in front of the kids will likely make it worse on you. You need to be taking pro-active steps to show this won't occur in the future. Take anger management classes, get a gym membership (to blow off steam), stop drinking, get counselling etc. You need to show you are doing something about it, as it is unlikely anyone will actually take your word that you won't let it happen again.....because if you've done nothing to change yourself, why would anyone believe that?

          If you want any chance of having a regular relationship with your kids, you need to stay kid focused. All the other crap will sort itself out once everything is finalized. The kids is an issue you will have to deal with until they are much older. So if you screw that up now, you will end up paying for it for a much longer time.

          Comment


          • #6
            Do I realistically stand any chance of joint custody or equal access ?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by plainNamedDad44 View Post
              Do I realistically stand any chance of joint custody or equal access ?
              That really depends.

              1. Is your ex planning on moving back to where you live? If not, are you able to move near where she lives (respecting the RO provisions)? If it is a no to living near the kids, your chances are 0%.

              2. Are you able to show that you are ready, willing and able to co-parent with your ex? Meaning, you respond in reasonable time frames to questions relating to the children, you keep everything child centric, you are reasonable in general in regards to the children.

              3. If communication is difficult (you each can't help but argue), are you willing to agree to use a program like Our Family Wizard?

              4. Have you taken proactive steps to show you are no longer a danger to your ex? You need to be able to prove you have changed. No one is gonna take your word for it. Showing that you've accepted you have faults, taken responsibility for what you've done and are taking proactive steps to ensure it doesn't happen again is what you are going to have to do. The court doesn't care that your sorry. They want evidence that you taken seriously what happened and are trying to fix it.

              5. Are you willing to negotiate and is your ex willing to negotiate. Request mediation to try and solve the issues. Be firm on your stance about your time with the kids etc. You are more likely to get more of what you want if you can get your ex to agree. You may have to give up some stuff here and there, but it is time with the kids that matters most.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                That really depends.

                1. Is your ex planning on moving back to where you live? If not, are you able to move near where she lives (respecting the RO provisions)? If it is a no to living near the kids, your chances are 0%.

                2. Are you able to show that you are ready, willing and able to co-parent with your ex? Meaning, you respond in reasonable time frames to questions relating to the children, you keep everything child centric, you are reasonable in general in regards to the children.

                3. If communication is difficult (you each can't help but argue), are you willing to agree to use a program like Our Family Wizard?



                4. Have you taken proactive steps to show you are no longer a danger to your ex? You need to be able to prove you have changed. No one is gonna take your word for it. Showing that you've accepted you have faults, taken responsibility for what you've done and are taking proactive steps to ensure it doesn't happen again is what you are going to have to do. The court doesn't care that your sorry. They want evidence that you taken seriously what happened and are trying to fix it.



                5. Are you willing to negotiate and is your ex willing to negotiate. Request mediation to try and solve the issues. Be firm on your stance about your time with the kids etc. You are more likely to get more of what you want if you can get your ex to agree. You may have to give up some stuff here and there, but it is time with the kids that matters most.

                Answer 1: she has not said. I am willing to move, but will have to find work.
                Answer 2: Yes, yes, always.
                Answer 3: Yes.
                Answer 4: Finished PARS ( 16 weeks), finished Caring Dads (17 weeks), finished Anger Management for Parents (6 weeks), and just enrolled in Anger management at the Men's project.
                Answer 5: I am willing to relinquish custody for more access if it comes right down to it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  You need a lawyer.

                  Your conviction has no relevance to how access or custody should fall, at least in my opinion.

                  You need to find a way to comply with all your conditions - and still pick up and then drop off the kids. School is excellent for this. No reason the other parent should be anywhere close by if you are can do this and come to an 'understanding'.

                  That 'understanding' may very well end up court order driven. Be aware Family Law Orders can contradict recognizances. You are bound by both - but I would fear the recognizance more.

                  You alslo need to find a way for information abut the kids to be communicated back and forth. Difficult to do with no direct/indirect communication - however.
                  Find someone to be a third party.

                  You CAN never have to talk to her, see her, be within 1 mile of her - and still see your kids. Make it happen.

                  If you can afford to, lawyer up. BIG TIME.

                  Otherwise - now is a good time to ask for a leave of absence and spend several months researching the $hit out of Family Law. Difficult to do, and even more so with a Criminal aspect thrown into the accusations.

                  You're kids have every right to see you half the time. That's your new mantra.
                  Last edited by wretchedotis; 07-29-2013, 11:30 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                    5. Are you willing to negotiate and is your ex willing to negotiate. Request mediation to try and solve the issues. Be firm on your stance about your time with the kids etc. You are more likely to get more of what you want if you can get your ex to agree. You may have to give up some stuff here and there, but it is time with the kids that matters most.
                    Counter-indicated if there is a restraining order. Impossible to have mediation.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by plainNamedDad44 View Post
                      Do I realistically stand any chance of joint custody or equal access ?
                      Absolutely, yes.

                      You think one lapse of good judgment is reason to lose your kids forever? Oh god, I hope not.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                        Absolutely, yes.

                        You think one lapse of good judgment is reason to lose your kids forever? Oh god, I hope not.
                        I think the fact he did it in front of the kids vs behind closed doors will hurt him a little more. At least he took the steps to prevent it from happening again.

                        Comment

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