Need some advise!

[1ati2de]

Hi all

Im new to the forum and need some advise on a few things. Im applying for a divorce after 20 years of marriage and I've basically have had enough. This woman has no morals to her and i need advise on what I can do.

When we got married we followed the rules and purchased a house which my parents paid off and they got a registered mortgage on the property. We both worked up till my child was born and it basically went south there after. We have one child that basically I have been here for all this time and was going to do this when he was 5 years old but I couldn't because It was wrong in my eyes. In a nut shell this is what I have endured.

1 Repeated threats of suicide that I had to kick down my door once in front of the boy.
2. Putting a knife to her stomach and threading the child to eat her food or I will kill myself. Latest was in March and he is now over 16.
3. Refuses to go to work since he was born stating her back is sore from the epidermal she had for him. No doctors letter or nothing.
4. Did not sleep in the same bed after my son was born till he kicked her out of his room at 13.. yes 13.
5. Went to the hospital with a blood clot twice and stated she didn't want to come with me because "it takes too much time"
6. Does not want to pay my mother back the money and didn't even call to express her condolences after my dad recently passed away. Real class act

On and on and on. Yes I believe that every story has two sides but the only thing in reading all the posts and educating myself the only thing i did wrong is the right thing by staying.

Now I understand that everything is 50/50 and she will be walking away with around $300,000+ after its all said and done. My question is why do I have to potentially pay her spousal support?? Seriously this can happen? If she actually went to work or tried to better herself then our estate would be worth more and I did nothing to stop her, all she does is watch movies and play on the computer. Can someone give me any advise on what I can do because in my eyes this is insane and should just quit my job and live with my mom who now needs the help.

[FB_]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like you have several issues

Custody/Access
Child Support
Spousal Support
Property issues.

Please give us more information

Number of kids
How old are they now
Your age
Your ex's age

How much assets
How much debt
Pensions
RRSP's

Work History for both (you touched on this)
Education level for both of you

Are you still in the house?

What is your ultimate goal in regards to Custody/Access

Some of your thoughts are not very clear and I understand the emotion but you need to try and keep your emotions out of it at this point.

[DowntroddenDad]

I can understand your pain and that you are upset. But please try to understand that the law doesn't care.

You say your parents hold the mortgage? Do they "own" the house? Or is it like a second mortgage? I would think the debt would be split like an asset, 50/50.

50/50 applies to the increase in value of assets during the marriage. Anything you had in the way of pensions or investments before the marriage isn't to be split, only in the increase in value of them since the wedding day.

As for spousal support, I hear you. She must demonstrate spousal support is needed, and she will probably figure out how to say the right things to justify it. Given the length of marriage it will be challenging to fight it. I was in the same boat. The is something called the rule of 65 which states that if the age and number of years together add up to 65, the term of spousal support is indefinate.

As my lawyer advised me, you can have a court ordered occupational assessment try and determine whether she is truly fit for work. Court ordered because she would never agree to it otherwise. You will have to pay significant $$ up front for it, and you have no guarentee of an outcome that you want, my lawyer said there have been cases where the report from the assessment has been ignored by judges.

[FB_]

1 Repeated threats of suicide that I had to kick down my door once in front of the boy.

I don't really understand this. Your ex threatened to kill herself? Why did you kick down a door.

2. Putting a knife to her stomach and threading the child to eat her food or I will kill myself. Latest was in March and he is now over 16.

Again your ex put a knife to her stomach and threatened your son?

3. Refuses to go to work since he was born stating her back is sore from the epidermal she had for him. No doctors letter or nothing.

This is going to be an issue for you and increases your risk of spousal support.

4. Did not sleep in the same bed after my son was born till he kicked her out of his room at 13.. yes 13.

She slept in your son's room until he was 13??????

5. Went to the hospital with a blood clot twice and stated she didn't want to come with me because "it takes too much time"

You went to the hospital twice with a blood clot???

6. Does not want to pay my mother back the money and didn't even call to express her condolences after my dad recently passed away. Real class act

What money...for the house?

Was there any paperwork signed with your mother?

Who is on title to the house?

Now I understand that everything is 50/50 and she will be walking away with around $300,000+ after its all said and done. My question is why do I have to potentially pay her spousal support?? Seriously this can happen?

Possible yes.

If she actually went to work or tried to better herself then our estate would be worth more and I did nothing to stop her, all she does is watch movies and play on the computer. Can someone give me any advise on what I can do because in my eyes this is insane and should just quit my job and live with my mom who now needs the help.

You can attempt to have an income imputed on her based on earning power.

[1ati2de]

I have replied to your quotes

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like you have several issues

Custody/Access She does want him
Child Support I will take custody, too much work she states
Spousal Support The lawyer says $1200 for my wage of $100,000/year
Property issues. None

Please give us more information

Number of kids 1
How old are they now 16.5
Your age 43
Your ex's age 46

How much assets $400,000 house
How much debt None, car payments. I have 2 cars and she don't drive
Pensions Little, not sure how much
RRSP's $300,000. Aprox

Work History for both (you touched on this)
Education level for both of you Roughly grade 12

Are you still in the house? Yes

What is your ultimate goal in regards to Custody/Access I will take my son

Some of your thoughts are not very clear and I understand the emotion but you need to try and keep your emotions out of it at this point.

[Pursuinghappiness]

My question is why do I have to potentially pay her spousal support?? Seriously this can happen?

Yes, you may have to pay her SS. You can attempt to impute an income to her and have a good probability of doing so since she probably has no legitimate reason that she can't work at least a minimum wage job. However, it sounds like you'll still be the higher income earner so its likely you'll have to pay SS for a good amount of time considering the length of your marriage.

By the way, quitting your job isn't a good idea right now because you can still get assessed to pay support if you do that.

The other issue is CS....but its hard to tell how old your child is based on your post.

The rest of your post is understandable (I know you're upset) but its also irrelevant unless you have good documentation on her suicide attempt which may affect custody if she hasn't or won't seek treatment.

You need to take a deep breath and start concentrating on relevant issues. They are: Equalization (including disposition of the marital home), Custody and Support. Everything else is simply validation of why you're getting divorced...don't dwell on it.

Get some immediate legal advise before you do anything. And read the posts on in-home separation immediately so you know what to expect and how to protect yourself.

[1ati2de]

I have replied to your questions.

I don't really understand this. Your ex threatened to kill herself? Why did you kick down a door. Cause my kid was yelling at me.


Again your ex put a knife to her stomach and threatened your son? Yes I am applying for divorce. yes lawyer didn't say it don't matter.


This is going to be an issue for you and increases your risk of spousal support. With no proof whatsoever??


She slept in your son's room until he was 13?????? Yes, apparently children shouldn't cry, her words.


You went to the hospital twice with a blood clot??? Yes 2 separate days


What money...for the house? That my parents loaned us

Was there any paperwork signed with your mother? Yes

Who is on title to the house? Both of us



Possible yes.



You can attempt to have an income imputed on her based on earning power.

[DowntroddenDad]

As for custody, you should be able to get 50/50 or shared custody.

Unless you can prove your wife a threat to your son, you will have a hard time getting sole custody.

As I stated before the debt to your mom should be shared like an asset would be. So if the debt is say $100,000, when you got to do an assessment, each of you would be assigned half of that debt. Assuming you would have assets to split, the debt to your mom as well as any credit cards, lines of credit should be paidoff as part of the process.

You RRSP will not be valued at the full value, because if you cashed it in, you would be taxed on it. I think we used 25% off as my value in my calculation.

The house should be valued by an appraiser.

Imputing an income would probably be 40 hours a week at minimum wage, because she has been out of the workforce for a while. If she has valid credentials in a professional field then you could push for more.

[1ati2de]

Thats crazy that I have to pay SS. I should try to go after lost income because even at minimum wage that still adds up in all the years also. I know its never going to happen I just don't get the reasoning of why Im on the hook for this. Makes no sense at all

[DowntroddenDad]

Thats crazy that I have to pay SS. I should try to go after lost income because even at minimum wage that still adds up in all the years also. I know its never going to happen I just don't get the reasoning of why Im on the hook for this. Makes no sense at all

Crazy or not, it is likely to happen, given the length of the marriage. You are deemed to have "accepted" her not working. My ex made up an illness, doesn't matter according to my lawyer. If she hadn't been married to you, she would have been working and getting raises, at least in the eyes of most judges.

You will not be successful going after lost income. All you can hope for is that she decides she needs to work to support herself, and makes more than minimum wage.

You could offer a one time payment, if she is greedy she might go for it.

[FB_]

Thats crazy that I have to pay SS. I should try to go after lost income because even at minimum wage that still adds up in all the years also. I know its never going to happen I just don't get the reasoning of why Im on the hook for this. Makes no sense at all

Unfortunately the way the courts see it is that you were ok supporting her while raising your child.

Even thought you "CLAIM" that you wanted her to work you did nothing about it.

Again you "CLAIM" you tried to get her to work. However she didn't so in the end you have been supporting her this whole time.

Also the fact that you make significantly more money than her would mean she was disadvantaged by the breakdown of the marriage.

[1ati2de]

Crazy or not, it is likely to happen, given the length of the marriage. You are deemed to have "accepted" her not working. My ex made up an illness, doesn't matter according to my lawyer. If she hadn't been married to you, she would have been working and getting raises, at least in the eyes of most judges.

You will not be successful going after lost income. All you can hope for is that she decides she needs to work to support herself, and makes more than minimum wage.

You could offer a one time payment, if she is greedy she might go for it.

I did not accept this what so ever. I can't force her to go to work and don't need a person sitting around collecting dust either. Ive been here for my son and thats it, no more and we haven't had any for of relationship in 5 years. I know I'm unfortunately going to have to pay SS but Im looking at options and seeing what I can do. I didn't get any assistance from her in any way shape or form and basically I have to pay the price.

[1ati2de]

Unfortunately the way the courts see it is that you were ok supporting her while raising your child.

Even thought you "CLAIM" that you wanted her to work you did nothing about it.

Again you "CLAIM" you tried to get her to work. However she didn't so in the end you have been supporting her this whole time.

Also the fact that you make significantly more money than her would mean she was disadvantaged by the breakdown of the marriage.

You cant force someone to do what they don't want to do either.We both "worked" prior to my son and if I had to substitute her income to come up because she was working I would not have an issue with this at all.

[FB_]

You cant force someone to do what they don't want to do either.We both "worked" prior to my son and if I had to substitute her income to come up because she was working I would not have an issue with this at all.

No you can't...but you can leave them if you choose not to support their lazy ***.

Edit: I get it believe me, but we all make choices.

[DowntroddenDad]

I did not accept this what so ever. I can't force her to go to work and don't need a person sitting around collecting dust either. Ive been here for my son and thats it, no more and we haven't had any for of relationship in 5 years. I know I'm unfortunately going to have to pay SS but Im looking at options and seeing what I can do. I didn't get any assistance from her in any way shape or form and basically I have to pay the price.

Whether or not you did accept it, you will be deemed to have accepted it, because you didn't stop it. There is no point in wasting energy on it now.

All you can do is, pay the table rate, or try to make her a one time offer for a lump sum. Greedy people go for the lump sum.