Modifying Visitation Agreement

[knowledgeIsPower]

My husband has decided that he wants to modify his existing visitation agreement. He wants to change it from having his daughter every weekend to having her every other weekend and every other tuesdays and thursdays (on the off weekend weeks).
He would like to make these changes for a number of reasons:
1. Husband works all week so by the weekend not only is he busy with home responsibilities including our bio child he is just exhausted and falls asleep. This is normal of course but is causing issues for his daughter who is getting more and more depressed by the lack of daddy time she gets.
2. His daughter is not getting the help she needs with school after school from her mother. Husband figures if he sees her a few times in the week he can help her out with school (which he already tries to squeeze in on the weekend - but of course its the weekend and no kid wants to do school work then especially if they have limited time to be with dad and want to have fun)

Every other weekend would allow us to plan those weekends specifically for fun times with stepdaughter and the times in the week give her ample one on one time with her dad which she craves.

Only problem is his ex wants every weekend KID FREE and will not agree to this. At one point last week she agreed to it as a trial run only and we were good. there was one weekend that husband would have daughter that he asked to switch for some reason but she flat out refused saying shes not negotiating. its the dates she chooses no switching or forget the trial run all together.

Now husband is filing for custody modification with courts without a lawyer because we cant afford one right now. In the meantime he has proceeded to just not exercising his visitation rights every other weekend. (we decided that the weekends he does have his daughter saturdays will be their one on one time and i will take care of the household stuff and our daughter so step daughter doesnt feel neglected)



Also ex is saying because he is refusing to pick up daughter this weekend dont bother picking her up until further notice (ie shes witholding) she is saying she is taking HIM back to court.

its all very stressful and unecessary if people would just compromise.

my questions are:

are my ex's reasons enough to modify the existing visitation?

Will his not exercising his visitation
hurt him in the modification process? even though he is changing to every other weekend anyway (will he lose the option of the weekdays? will his child support increase?

If ex withholds daughter from visitation what consequences will that pose for her in all this?

whatever advice or suggestions you have are welcome

[stripes]

So if I'm reading you right, husband is not going to pick up his daughter this weekend because he's decided not to exercise his visitation rights? Never mind the legal stuff, how is this going to feel to the daughter?? "My dad doesn't want me anymore, he just wants weekends with his new family"? I'm not saying this is what you intend, I'm saying that in this situation it would be very easy for the kid in question to feel like the hot potato nobody wants. I would say until you have a new agreement worked out with the mom, suck it up and keep picking her up on weekends as you've been doing. The last thing you want is for her to think or feel that her parents are arguing over who *doesn't* have to have her on the weekend.

[knowledgeIsPower]

I totally hear that. Husband sat down and explained to daughter the change and how is trying to see her in the week as well.

If we don't pick her up she might feel unwanted even with the explanation. If we do she's already expressed she feels neglected when she's here. (She's not its just we have another child, normal chores and weekends errands and another kid on the way. Its hard for him to give her the undivided attention she wants)

He feels stuck either way and stressed out.

[standing on the sidelines]

this may shock you but lots of people work during the week and get caught up on chores around the house on weekends. He needs to plan his time.

To not pick up his daughter this weekend when he gets her every weekend is so mind-blowing to me. Until he can get it changed then he should follow the normal routine. How long has it been every weekend?

He is willing to cut down on seeing his daughter before he finds out if he can even get it changed to every other weekend and in my eyes that is just plain wrong. Not sure how a judge would see it, but I cannot see it being favourable to his case.

[standing on the sidelines]

I totally hear that. Husband sat down and explained to daughter the change and how is trying to see her in the week as well.

If we don't pick her up she might feel unwanted even with the explanation. If we do she's already expressed she feels neglected when she's here. (She's not its just we have another child, normal chores and weekends errands and another kid on the way. Its hard for him to give her the undivided attention she wants)

He feels stuck either way and stressed out.

the message I would get is, "you are not important, your dad has time for his new family and now that their will be another one, we dont want you every weekend."

Maybe you could look after your kid(s) on the weekends and let him spend the time with his daughter? He gets to see the kid(s) you have with him all week without his daughter around so is it that hard to give her two days of Daddy time???

He already talked to his daughter about it??? Before even getting the parenting time changed??? Not a good idea at all. He doesnt know if he will be able to get it changed at all. What was he thinking?

[knowledgeIsPower]

So let me understand this correctly. Our kids should miss out every weekend with their dad because his other daughter wants one on one time with dad. So we should forgo any plans because she doesn't get time to see him in the week?

I know its not his daughters fault she's on this predicament but its not my kids either. They shouldn't be on a "visitation" schedule with their dad when they are in an intact family.

And again we can take her every weekend but she will be depressed. She needs a lot of attention and when she doesn't get it her behavior becomes very negative.

My husband is trying to balance out a schedule that allows for more one on one time with his daughter to the best of his ability.

[Berner_Faith]

I am sorry but I see it the same as above. You are saying YOUR kids are more important than HIS kid. That is very unfortunate. There are many people who would love to have their kids every weekend, but you seem to be saying that you would rather spend time planning activities with your family and excluding her. Why would it be so wrong for dad to spend one on one time with his daughter every weekend? Even a few hours... That poor little girl... Neither of her parents want her on the weekend and are fighting over who has to take her. What a shame...

I work 70 hours a week and only get one day off a week... I some how manage to get all the housework, laundry and dishes done and the weeks we have the kids in the summer, I also manage one on one time and planned activities with them. This is a time management issue, not an access issue

[knowledgeIsPower]

My husband does want her on the weekend and a few days in the week. All he's asking is to switch some weekend days for week days.

I never said I was opposed to him spending a few hours one on one with his daughter. Another poster suggested the whole weekend be one on one which is not realistic.

I don't see the problem. Lots of people modify their visitation. Step daughter has asked for more one on one time as well as weekend time with her mom. Why is my husband the bad guy for trying to figure put a schedule that accomodates that.

I'm sure him not exercising his right to visitation isn't the best way forward but if the visitation is modified it would be the reality regardless.

Again he's not looking for less time he's looking to move the time.

Thanks for your judgemental feedback that didn't really answer any of the legal questions I was looking for answers for.

[NBDad]

I am going to warn you now, you aren't going to like my response.

You made a choice to have additional children knowing he already had one child. If he can't balance his time on the weekends with his daughter and the child you share together, why the hell would you have more?

If he unilaterally starts exercising LESS access, the ex's best tactic....is to stall and let him. Any lawyer with half a brain will tell her to let it ride for 6 months ti establish a new status quo.

Does he currently pay full table or offset child support? @6 days in 14 (Fri/sat/sun) that's 42% time and he should be doing offset. If he stupidly follows this new schedule, he'll get every other weekend...AND hit with full table.

You should watch the kids Saturday and let him spend the day with his daughter. Then HE watches them Sun and YOU go do something with her for the morning or something. Then do something as a family in the afternoon. This way he spends one on one time with both sets of kids AND you do the whole blended family thing too. Why can't you do that?

[mcdreamy]

So let me understand this correctly. Our kids should miss out every weekend with their dad because his other daughter wants one on one time with dad. So we should forgo any plans because she doesn't get time to see him in the week?

I know its not his daughters fault she's on this predicament but its not my kids either. They shouldn't be on a "visitation" schedule with their dad when they are in an intact family.

So, to be clear, you have an "intact" family with 'your' kids, and what -- the stepdaughter is from a "broken" family? When you met your boyfriend/husband, you must have known he had a child.

You are now a "blended" family, and should all be acting as such -- at least the two adults in the household should be acting as such. Stepdaughter is the oldest sibling, that's all there is to it, she's not the first child with younger siblings, and she shouldn't be getting much special treatment either - she is one of his 3 children. With 3 other siblings of my own, and 2 step-siblings, I'm not too sure I recall much one-on-one time, and I don't think I've been scarred for life.

I think your intent to arbitrarily give up access time is going to be a disaster for everyone, and you and your husband should re-consider how your household should run, based on inclusive practices as opposed to exclusive.

Weren't you posting only a month or two ago about wanting primary custody of this child? Your husband AGREED to every weekend access, which is something that I, as a parent, would not have agreed to. I'm not sure you can truly be involved in your child's life without being there during the week as well - doing the school work, going to dentists, etc., so I certainly understand his desire to change to alternate weekends/week access on school nights if only to be there to assist her, as he would for the other kids. Is there some reason that 50/50 was never put onto the table, or can't be put on the table now?

[NBDad]

Also, to answer your specific questions...

Does he have sufficient reasons....maybe. How badly is the kid doing in school? Does he have evidence of this? How old is the kid? Has she expressed this desire for a change to anyone else?

Will his decision to not fully exercise his access hurt him? Almost certainly. Probably the stupidest move he could make.

Will his support increase? Is he paying table or offset? Is he receiving the cctb as a shared arrangement currently?

What repercussions if she chooses to withhold...little to none. It would have to be a repetitive pattern over a period of time to mean anything.

[standing on the sidelines]

My husband does want her on the weekend and a few days in the week. All he's asking is to switch some weekend days for week days.

I never said I was opposed to him spending a few hours one on one with his daughter. Another poster suggested the whole weekend be one on one which is not realistic.

I don't see the problem. Lots of people modify their visitation. Step daughter has asked for more one on one time as well as weekend time with her mom. Why is my husband the bad guy for trying to figure put a schedule that accomodates that.

I'm sure him not exercising his right to visitation isn't the best way forward but if the visitation is modified it would be the reality regardless.

Again he's not looking for less time he's looking to move the time.

Thanks for your judgemental feedback that didn't really answer any of the legal questions I was looking for answers for.

Not that it really changes my answer but the part in bold you never said in the original post. You dont give all the relevant details then we respond on what details we do know.

I feel so sorry for this child.

[SadAndTired]

Aaaaaaaand the real issue comes out.....

I know its not his daughters fault she's on this predicament but its not my kids either. They shouldn't be on a "visitation" schedule with their dad when they are in an intact family.

I totally agree with McDreamy's thoughts about a "blended" family.

How old is his daughter?

[stripes]

I get that your husband is in something of a no-win situation because no matter what he does, he can't give 100% of his attention to everyone who wants it.

But ...

Of all the players in this situation - you, your husband, your kids, your husband's other daughter - the daughter is the most vulnerable one. She is not an adult, with an adult's emotional resources, and she also doesn't have as much stability because she's moving back and forth between two houses. She is marginal in both homes, judging by the description of what happens in your home and at her mother's. Her dad not picking her up for his weekend will only increase her marginalization.

Your kids being in an "intact" family doesn't give them any priority over his daughter. If anything, it should mean that they are the ones who are compromising on the weekends. With some attention to scheduling, you should be able to arrange plenty of "dad time" for them during the week.

It sounds like renegotiating the access schedule would be in everyone's best interest (your husband's ex sounds like she's being a bit princessy too wanting her "weekends free" - many parents with joint custody manage to schedule their grown-up activities on alternate weekends and do just fine). However, until the new schedule is agreed on, *please* continue to welcome his daughter on the weekends.

So let me understand this correctly. Our kids should miss out every weekend with their dad because his other daughter wants one on one time with dad. So we should forgo any plans because she doesn't get time to see him in the week?

I know its not his daughters fault she's on this predicament but its not my kids either. They shouldn't be on a "visitation" schedule with their dad when they are in an intact family.

And again we can take her every weekend but she will be depressed. She needs a lot of attention and when she doesn't get it her behavior becomes very negative.

My husband is trying to balance out a schedule that allows for more one on one time with his daughter to the best of his ability.

[frustratedwithex]

One on one time with parents is a great thing.

When my kids were young and we were an intact family we did this every week.

I have 3 kids, each week 1 kid had an evening alone with mom and dad. Each kid got a week, thats 3 weeks out of the month, the 4th week was mom and dad only. We did it Wednesday or Thursday night, whatever worked best.

We planned ahead, hired a babysitter for the month, the kids liked it, I liked it. The kids open up and talk about stuff that they may not have talked about if we were all together. Sometimes it was hard to be heard when everyone had something to say.

Something that we also did on a weekend night, usually Friday, was game night. That was when we could be together without videos and tv, or other distractions. Now that my kids are older, they tell me they remember those nights and had fun.

Make it work for all your kids. Schedule their time alone with dad, it will give you a break and the kids will be happier.

Once each kid starts getting 1 or 2 hours of time, you will see things improve. It doesn't have to be all day. If your husband picks up his daughter from the mom, that is perfect time to spend with her. Stop at the park, stop at the library, kids even like doing chores with a parent if it means they can be alone with them. Just give them your undivided attention.