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  • Custody

    First time poster....

    I separated in May 2011, I remained in the home with the children , my ex wanted to see the children ( two kids - now 8, 11 ) every other weekend. In the first 6 months of our separation he only visited with the kids 4 times over six months. This was his choice, and was still living within twenty mins of the children.

    10 months after the separation he accepts a transfer to Quebec City for work with the military and to be posted together with his GF. Arrangemnets that we agreed upon in mediation of Spring 2012 was that the kids would visit , once every every 6-8 weeks on a extended weekend. Intially he was to drive to Ottawa to pick the kids up. After two trips he refused to drive to pick them up and insisted I drive them to Montreal to meet him. Since I want the kids to still have a relationship and I do all I can to encourage it,I began driving the kids.

    The children vistited with him one week in July 2012, was suppose to labour day weekend in September but he cancelled 48hours before. He came to Ottawa for one day over the thanksgiving weekend, took them to montreal for the night and then returned them.

    Since October 2012, my 11 son has refused to visit with him, or speak to him by skype of phone. Our daughter visited in Quebec city for two days in November , no contact over the christmas holidays. He was suppose to take the children for one week over Christmas, but was too busy.

    March I drove our daughter 8 too montreal to meet him, she got there and after seeing him, started to scream and cry that she did'nt want to go. I tried for 30 mins to encourage her. He stood there and did nothing, comments like " I came here for this ". Refused to take her and help her understand in a few hours she woulnt miss mommy so much and they would have a great time. Ugh ! Finally I left with her ,and drove home. I am happy to take her , just felt very bad for her .

    In April he visited with daughter on a saturday while he was in town for his GF course , he picked her up at 10am and dropped her off at 1pm. At that visit he informed her that he had sold her bed in Quebec city because another child needed it . She asked to go for dinner that night with them since he was staying in town, he said no they had studying to do .

    There has been no visitation since then.

    My has spent three weeks in CHEO for a medical condition. My ex was notified when we were on route to CHEO and then again when being put on a floor .. His contact over those three weeks was minimual through text. I often had to text him.

    The kids never ask to Skype with him or call him. Something that has been like that the past 2 years. He would occasionally text to ask to arrange a skype session. And I would ensure the kids would do it. Since March he is no longer requesting them. Says if that kids want to talk they can iniate the contact.

    After the March issue with dropping our daughter off. I received a letter from him two days later stating he would give me sole custody of the children,since to him it was obvious they did not want to see him. I forwarded it to my lawyers.

    Since then , his laywer has convinced him to change his position. He is now trying to get me to go Joint custody with him. His reason is simple because he wants to have a say in the children's education later in life.

    I have always offered him as much access as he wants to the children, and that would always be available even with sole custody. However, he is not involved in the children's life, makes no effort to do so. The children never ask about him. There is a possibilty that he will be moving out west as well.

    Another thing , when I do contact hime via email and text or phone to get approval on something or even to discuss the options with regards to health or education. It is often weeks before he even responds to me.

    Just looking for thoughts , if I'm out of line for still wanting Sole custody under the circumstances

    Thanks in advance .
    Last edited by camper74; 05-29-2013, 11:39 AM. Reason: My to Ours :)

  • #2
    First of all, kudos to you for supporting the relationship with their father.

    Many people feel that because their ex doesn't make an effort that they should deny access.

    It is very unfortunate he has chosen not to spend time with his children. I can assure you this is a decision he will one day regret.

    One thing I want to warn you about - on this forum you will get eaten alive if you refer to the children as 'my children'. The members of this forum prefer that you use 'our'.

    I would think you would have no problem getting sole custody considering the lack of interest he has shown, however, I'm not expert. I'm sure someone here will have some insight for you though.

    Good luck.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for the heads up... I just re read it , and yes I did add a few "my" and the rest were " ours " .. switched them all before I get eaten alive LOL

      Not my intention ,was just writing as it came out of my head , as I'm so confused now

      Cheers

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      • #4
        not a quebec case sorry, my info was for quebec

        Comment


        • #5
          Please know that this is just a Mom's advice. I know very little legal information.

          But why try for sole custody? This is one of the situations I realized when fighting with my ex. He never shows up for medical appointments, has never been to a parent/teacher interview. Why should he have joint custody??

          But then I looked at the reverse, why not? It doesn't change the situation much. I inform him of the necessary things he needs to know. Usually he just acknowledges it and that is it. I would actually appreciate his involvement a little more but it just isn't going to happen.

          Why take away his possible involvement later? Perhaps he will have a change of heart, a pivotal moment in his life where he realizes he wants to make amends to his kids. Do you really want to prevent that?

          Put in your Separation Agreement that you will share joint custody but can get OHIP cards and Passports without his consent and ask for permanent primary residence. Sole custody offers you an ability to do things without informing him but is he really preventing you from doing anything anyway?

          Sorry this is quick and disjointed. I have to run out the door. Just some food for thought. Leave the door open to their Dad.

          I always try to imagine what my kids will say to their friends when they are older. I pray it is something along the lines of "My Mom and Dad split up but they always tried their best to be there for me......"
          Last edited by SadAndTired; 05-29-2013, 11:49 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank You.. I should have mentioned. I live in Ottawa with the Children. And he moved to Quebec City. Currently my Child support is based on the laws of Quebec yes , however the custody issue is between to Ottawa based Lawyers using Ontario Law. Does that change your thougts ?

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            • #7
              Sad and Tired... yes those are the exact things as a mom I think about and wonder too... but after being in the hospital for weeks with my son, it occured to me during this process that I really am waiting on his answers to move forward since I don't have sole decison making.. it was very frustrating . Espcially since my son has speacial needs and every time they needed and watned to consult with the ex, but he has not seen our son since oct 2012...
              But yes I too want them to always have the chance for the relationship, in hopes he sees the light some day
              Thanks for your thoughts

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              • #8
                Custody on pertains to the major decisions in the child's life being religion, education and health.

                The parent with care of the children for their parenting time can still make the routine/daily decisions on how they care for the kids.

                IMO, there is little reason NOT to give joint. Your issue with the lack of response can easily remedied by putting at the end of your emails to the ex "if I don't hear back from you in X time, I will assume you agree with the decision." That puts the onus on them to get back to you in a reasonable period of time.

                If they are unreasonable, and like disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing that is something else. But joint effects very little at the end of the day.

                Comment


                • #9
                  No reason to not allow JOINT LEGAL...this gives him a voice. Just make sure it references that you have "residential care and control" or something along those lines.

                  Basically he gets a vote, you are obligated to seek his input, but the final decision rests with you, short of a court order from him overruling the decision.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by camper74 View Post
                    Since October 2012, my 11 son has refused to visit with him
                    Is your son also allowed to skip school if he doesn't want to go?

                    March I drove our daughter 8 too montreal to meet him, she got there and after seeing him, started to scream and cry that she did'nt want to go. I tried for 30 mins to encourage her. He stood there and did nothing, comments like " I came here for this ". Refused to take her and help her understand in a few hours she woulnt miss mommy so much and they would have a great time. Ugh ! Finally I left with her ,and drove home. I am happy to take her , just felt very bad for her.
                    Why are your children deciding when it is time to exercise access? If your kid didn't want to stay with the babysitter, would you "encourage" her, or tell her that this is where she was going today, end of story.

                    I never buy the "my kids don't want to see the other parent" story. Of course they don't, they hardly know him... and it does not matter at all. They have to see their father as much as they need to go to school or the dentist.


                    There has been no visitation since then.
                    Would you want to exercise access to children who cried when they were with you? I might, but I'm awesome. He is clearly less awesome, but he is still their father.

                    Says if that kids want to talk they can iniate the contact.
                    Generally speaking, if you are not the custodial parent, then you are not a parent. You ex is beginning to realize that. Your kids don't have a relationship with their father, and that is not going to change.

                    Comment

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