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Had my mediation today

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  • #1
    Based on what you have said and posted in the past I would say mediation is probably pointless for you.

    Will she really agree to a shared custody arrangement?


    • #2
      My one and only 4 way meeting was enough for me to see she wasn't negotiating at all.

      Her lawyer later blamed my old lawyer for lack of progress at our case conference and of course she was my old lawyer and not there to defend herself.

      It was a complete waste of money...


      • #3
        I guess I'm just like cilantro - you either like or dislike ....

        By offering to move half way between where you both now reside shows maturity and a sincere desire to compromise on your part. Of course you will be closer to the hospital where the child receives chemotherapy treatments. Win-win situation for you and your child.

        Continue to offer up positive solutions to problems.

        Sounds like you are off to a very good start Iceberg.


        • #4
          I must have missed something. Jab away. If someone offends me I usually let them know.

          My anger is like the rosemary I plant every year - I don't use it every day but always have it on hand for those special occasions....


          • #5
            Originally posted by arabian View Post
            I must have missed something. Jab away. If someone offends me I usually let them know.

            My anger is like the rosemary I plant every year - I don't use it every day but always have it on hand for those special occasions....
            Reminds me of "My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose" by Robbie Burns.


            • #6
              I would give mediation one more try. After another session, if you are no closer to coming to an agreement on any issue then you can gracefully bow out.

              While it may be mandatory, you can easily explain how you tried it out multiple times and that there is no compromising happening... Ex is concentrating on irrelevant information and that these are issues that must be dealt with in court.


              • #7
                Iceberg: if you don't get a grip, you will be finding your ex with custody and you with eow.

                You need to start taking the RAW advice people have given you here. I know that your daughter is your primary concern but it has been infiltrated with crap and you are losing sight of the situation.

                If you think otherwise,fine, don't say you haven't been told.

                We are here to help. Don't ignore the negative because it can be an eye opener to being a better parent.


                • #8
                  Originally posted by iceberg View Post
                  is that because I am a male?

                  Let's just say it IS because you are male, that you have to be twice as reasonable, twice as careful, have twice the amount of factual information at hand, be twice prepared, have twice the child's interest at heart, and be twice as able to show it, than if you were the mother.

                  Which would you prefer: to be told that so that you could act accordingly and achieive the level of custody you are seeking, or to be not told that and lose your child to an irrational, hateful, spiteful ex?

                  Who cares why you have to try harder. This isn't about feeling sorry for yourself, that is for losers. This about being a winner, which means acting in a way, and taking the actions, that will get you the judgement you seek.

                  Send you ex an email stating that you lost your cell phone down a sewer and all communication will have to be by email from now on. Don't wait for a mediator or a court order. Just make a decision and act on it. Likewise everything else we have recommended.


                  • #9
                    Originally posted by iceberg View Post
                    I am not going back to this mediation. The mediator didn't even bring up the COPARENTING issue. Didn't mention the disadvantage (emotional/financial/child affecting) if we go to court. She let my ex talk about stuff when we were dating 10 years ago.
                    The mediator is not someone with a magic wand. The mediator's role is to try and bring two parties together, get them communicating, to see if an agreement can be reached. Sometimes that means allowing people to vent. Clearly your ex got to speak in a way that a judge would not approve. But if she got to say her piece and that helped her move on to today's issues, it would have been worth it.

                    There was probably no point in bringing up co-parenting if your ex wasn't going to agree to it. Better to focus on anything you can agree on.

                    I'm not suggesting that another round of mediation will help anything, it takes two to agree, and it sounds like that isn't going to happen.

                    But don't give your ex any ammunition.

                    If you refuse to go to mediation, she can say she was prepared to, but you refused, and if she says that in front of a judge then you look like the bad guy. Don't let that happen. That might be what she hopes to get out of this.


                    • #10
                      Mediation allows much more freedom in what can be said, as you have pointed out mediators will tolerate BS in order to get to the pertinant numbers.
                      I would give it another go, still cheaper and you might be able to get a deal.

                      My mediator did at the end tell my STBX she was getting a deal that would never happen in court. SHe walked out yelling obscenities.Obviously my ex would not mediate and now at over $30,000 latter and an impending trial I can only say if you can strike a deal try.
                      And I know how difficult it will be.
                      Going to trial is not fun.


                      • #11
                        If the mediation isn't costing you any money I'd probably attend just out of curiosity. Some people just want to grandstand and create drama. I'd go and let her implode. Don't say too much, just observe. Who knows, you might pick up some information that would be handy in the future.

                        Sounds like your ex is very immature and is having a difficult time cutting the umbilical cord from you. She continues to contact you and refuses to use email to communicate.

                        I'd go to the mediation and steer the conversation to discuss appropriate means of communication. State you want a court order which specifies the exact manner of communication in the future and you want to get her ideas and input on the subject. Be very firm that you will not tolerate harassing text or phone calls.

                        The neutral drop off and pick up location is probably a very good thing to get on to again. I do not think it is a good idea for your ex to be anywhere in the vicinity of where you live. You both should have privacy and live in homes free from unwanted intrusion from the other parent or their family members. I'd start setting up your boundaries.

                        That family wizard program might be something to get your ex to agree to (a judge can order it). Can you bring it with you to the mediation?


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