Ex won't work and simply wants to live off me

[John_Ottawa]

I'm paying my ex 1100 in CS and 750 in SS. Married 13.5 years i worked full time she did work from home teaching online but never really earned a salary. I tried to get her to get a real job especially once the kids were in school but she never did... excuse after excuse...

It's now been 17 months since our separation date and of course she hasn't lifted a finger to look for work. Of course I'm paying her enough to live somewhat comfortably and her expenses are minimal as she's also in low income housing. I have no doubt she will never work unless she is made to due to SS ending.

The guidelines gave a range of 6-12 years and we have agreed on an end date of Jan 2018 although the separation agreement has yet to be signed!

She's 39 has a university degree, is computer literate, and I'm sure she could get something if she had to.. heck Timmie's will teach you how to pour coffee if necessary!

My lawyer is telling me the best i can do is just ask her and hope she works because a 'material change in circumstance' doesn't include her sitting at home all day long.

We're pretty much agreed on our separation agreement but I've no idea what i can do to make her work. She is making me 100% financially responsible for both her and our kids which is wrong.

I've no idea what if anything can be done except to suck it up and pay for the next 5 years (45K) lucky me i'll get about 12k back in taxes :-/

I'm at a loss as to what can be done.

[arabian]

Don't think her living off 1800.00 a month is anything she would brag about. Basic subsidized rent and utilities would leave her nothing much for food. Did she not receive anything from the sale of a matrimonial home? If not then You got off easy with only 700.00/month in SS (although I don't know your income).

I'd suck it up and pray she doesn't come after you for more money. You have a nice tax deduction and your children have a roof over their head and two parents. Count your blessings.

[John_Ottawa]

Actually she doesn't live in Ottawa and rent and utilities aren't much at all. She'll also be receiving tax credits for the kids so don't kid yourself she's not hurting any. Yes she is getting money from the home.


You're missing the point! She's doing nothing to become self sufficient which is wrong!

[arabian]

In many divorce orders there is a graduated income imputed against the receiving individual. For example, year one she would be imputed $10,000.00 (or whatever), year two $16,000.00 year three $20,000.00 - or whatever is negotiated. That way the amount is deducted in calculating SS whether she works or not. I think it is one of the best ways to "motivate" someone into getting a job. Something to consider.

[standing on the sidelines]

Actually she doesn't live in Ottawa and rent and utilities aren't much at all. She'll also be receiving tax credits for the kids so don't kid yourself she's not hurting any. Yes she is getting money from the home.


You're missing the point! She's doing nothing to become self sufficient which is wrong!

totally agree with you, she has the education and she has no reason not to go find a job and help support those kids.

[arabian]

I don't know how anyone could live off of 1800.00 a month. I suspect she is in a rut because if she were to get a job she would lose the rent subsidy etc. Food alone would be at least 400.00 a month. If she operates a vehicle there is gas and insurance. Depending upon the ages of kids, clothing costs can be pretty steep, not to mention activities.

I'd do anything I could to help her with the transition. Sometimes people simply get depressed and lose self-confidence. She might be frightened that if she got a job, then got fired, that she would be in a real pickle getting back what little she now receives.

[shellshocked22]

It's unfortunate but sadly not a lot you can do about it. Contrary to what the recipients of CS and SS believe, in my opinion very few payors believe the system is fair.

In theory its not unreasonable to help an ex spouse get on their feet and of course your kids but in my opinion in practise the regime in Family Law is quite unfair to the person who ends up working/paying for it.

At least your're fortunate to have a termination date for SS; make sure your SA is very clear on this - it's critical so she can't have her hand in your wallet time beyond the proposed cut off date.

Make sure you learn your lesson and NEVER trust a potential future spouse again - you now have learned the hard way (as have I) that you WILL get financially screwed over - don't make the same mistake again. Stay single !!!

[standing on the sidelines]

I don't know how anyone could live off of 1800.00 a month. I suspect she is in a rut because if she were to get a job she would lose the rent subsidy etc. Food alone would be at least 400.00 a month. If she operates a vehicle there is gas and insurance. Depending upon the ages of kids, clothing costs can be pretty steep, not to mention activities.

I'd do anything I could to help her with the transition. Sometimes people simply get depressed and lose self-confidence. She might be frightened that if she got a job, then got fired, that she would be in a real pickle getting back what little she now receives.

Umm I do and I have a mortgage to pay plus all the utilities. I also have a vehicle etc.

CS helps pay for the kids needs.

[arabian]

Shellshocked - I am a recipient and I don't think the system is fantastic at all. I look at the SS I receive as a small compensation for all the money I was screwed over for during the years I was his business partner. I think it was horrible that I had to go through family law in the first place. I was a partner in an incorporated company and was ripped off by my partner. Police and civil court would do nothing because I just so happened to be married to my partner, thus the resultant trip through family court.

I agree that I would never trust anyone again. I strongly believe that if someone stays home, in a traditional role, that it should be mandatory that they receive pay from their spouse. The spouse receiving the salary should be required to pay into EI just the same way an employee pays and the employer matches the payment. That would be a start. If people also paid into a mandatory "divorce fund" it could make a big difference to the payor at the time of the separation. Hindsight doesn't help anyone though.

[arabian]

When I stayed home and raised my son I also worked in our business. I recall my husband enjoyed home-cooked meals and an immaculate home. I certainly never sat around and watched TV all day. That perception is passe and is no different than the perception that the breadwinner is out on corporate lunches and screwing the secretary.

[arabian]

How much is subsidized rent in Ontario? It would be interesting to compare.

I can only speak for basic non-subsidized rent: 2 bedroom 2 bath townhouse is approx 1500.00/month + utilities around here.

[standing on the sidelines]

subsidized rent is more geared to what you make so it varies.

[arabian]

Child tax credit is higher than I thought. I recall I received around 25.00/month (we referred to it as the baby bonus) back in 1980's.

[arabian]

I can see why people keep popping out the kids. Too bad I had a hysterectomy a few years ago! Maybe if these amounts were cut in half, people would think twice about having kids they can't afford. Now I can see why there is such a big fight over getting full custody!!!!!

[standing on the sidelines]

Shellshocked - I am a recipient and I don't think the system is fantastic at all. I look at the SS I receive as a small compensation for all the money I was screwed over for during the years I was his business partner. I think it was horrible that I had to go through family law in the first place. I was a partner in an incorporated company and was ripped off by my partner. Police and civil court would do nothing because I just so happened to be married to my partner, thus the resultant trip through family court.

I agree that I would never trust anyone again. I strongly believe that if someone stays home, in a traditional role, that it should be mandatory that they receive pay from their spouse. The spouse receiving the salary should be required to pay into EI just the same way an employee pays and the employer matches the payment. That would be a start. If people also paid into a mandatory "divorce fund" it could make a big difference to the payor at the time of the separation. Hindsight doesn't help anyone though.

If you look at it that way, then the person who is getting the pay should also be able to be fired with the proper notice and not get anything more. Plus the person paying the money should be able to charge that person for their share of rent, utilites etc.