Newbie with Questions

[HBW]

Hi! I am new to this forum, and have been separated from by STBX since April 2011.

I retained a lawyer this past February and have been trying to begin a negotiation process with him for half a year. We have two children together... The kids live with me in Ontario (where i moved for family support) and he lives in Alberta. This hasn't been an issue.

Problem is, he hasn't done his income taxes for 4 years and is a huge procrastinator. (Actually, narcissistic and abusive would better describe him.) He told my lawyer in March that he'd provide full financial disclosure for May and then in June said that he was finally getting his own lawyer and getting on top of things. Now I haven't heard boo from him and feel like he's fallen of the face of the earth.

(This irresponsible behaviour is not abnormal for him. For example, he abandoned his widowed 86 year old grandmother, because he didn't want to deal with her. She then had to move to a different city where she could find support.)

Now I have decided to give him a timeline of Monday, September 17th to start the negotiation process or I will get this done through court. I am desperate to move on with my life!!!

Here are my questions:

1) Is this a wise idea? Am I being too hard on him with such a deadline? (Probably silly questions, but I have been riddled with anxiety due to him, I sometimes can't think clearly....)

2) Can I make a settlement offer without having his full financial disclosure? What are the risks involved?

3) Can I make a settlement offer without starting a court procedure?

Thank you for reading! Any advice would be very helpful!

[Jesserlynn]

I am newish on here too - usually just reading, so I have a question for you before I answer yours.... how do you post your own post????
As for your questions
1) No ... giving a deadline is a good idea, and might actually kick his butt into gear
2) Yes you can, but I think it's smarter to wait until you have financial disclosure
3) Yes!

[HBW]

Thank you Jesserlynn, I appreciate your input!

[arabian]

Welcome to the forum both of you!

You can have your lawyer get your ex's income imputed. I would do that as he will probably continue to procrastinate and your legal bills will be fairly hefty if you continue to try to get him to cooperate. Will make it easier for you in the long run. Usually imputed income is considerably higher than what he actually earns which will be good for you and bad for him.

I would discourage your lawyer from wasting any more time. Hit hard and fast.

[HBW]

Thank you arabian!

Just wondering, would I have my lawyer impute his income in a settlement offer? And at what point: before or after starting a court procedure?

[Rioe]

Now I have decided to give him a timeline of Monday, September 17th to start the negotiation process or I will get this done through court. I am desperate to move on with my life!!!

Here are my questions:

1) Is this a wise idea? Am I being too hard on him with such a deadline? (Probably silly questions, but I have been riddled with anxiety due to him, I sometimes can't think clearly....)

Some people need deadlines to get them motivated (though it sounds like that isn't working too well for his taxes). Giving him another month sounds reasonable to me, since he's already been aware of his responsibilities and said he was working on it.

2) Can I make a settlement offer without having his full financial disclosure? What are the risks involved?

The biggest risk is that he's withholding financial information and has hidden assets that you won't be able to divide fairly. Depending on how well you know your marital financial situation, you may or may not be worried about this.

You could always do the settlement offer while over-estimating his income and assets. That might give him incentive to provide the correct information.

3) Can I make a settlement offer without starting a court procedure?

Oh yes, absolutely that's the best thing to do. Staying out of court will save you both a LOT of money. In fact, point that out to him in your communication about the deadline you propose; that his inaction is making the expense of court necessary and you hope he begins negotiating instead of you having to start a court procedure.

Heck, write up his financial statement yourself as best you can, with the overestimated numbers, and send it to him to "update." Write up a separation agreement with the best interests of the children in mind, done by the book, that you can live with, and ask him for his thoughts.

Sounds like he's very much pulling an ostrich and hoping that if he ignores you, you'll go away. You kind of encouraged this thinking by moving yourself and the kids a few provinces away. How did you get away with that one? Not very nice to the kids to take them away from their dad. Does he pay child support?

[HBW]

Thank you Rioe! I do have a good understanding of his marital finances, so I'm happy this could help me!

As for how did I get away with moving me and the kids away, he allowed it. (I was first here just on a break, but then he wanted a divorce because he didn't want to get help for his drinking and anger). I actually really, really wanted our family to stay together! It still breaks my heart.

You're right it wasn't nice to take the kids away from their dad; but here was my only support system and I was becoming fearful of his behaviour. He was acting deranged at times (one time he came home drunk with blood all over himself claiming that he was a warrior) and increasing his aggressiveness towards the kids. He was very verbally and mentally abusive to me, so who knows how he would be toward them. Besides, the kids are happy and safe here and that's what matters most.

No, he does not pay child support.

Thanks again for your post!

[billm]

..Usually imputed income is considerably higher than what he actually earns which will be good for you and bad for him.
...

Which is of course not fair and hopefully something you would not want.

Imputed income should be equal to his actual income.

[arabian]

Imputed income invariably is higher to encourage uncooperative spouses to provide financial information. Any lawyer who encourages their client to be uncooperative runs the risk of their client's income being imputed. Law 101.

[hadenough]

My ex's income was imputed b/c ex refused to make full and frank financial disclosure. Hey, it's like the Battleship game. He put many dents in my "boat" but in the end - his battleship sunk. (It's still sinking, actually). He's a liar and if anything, he's lucky we had a newbie judge. He should have been imputed for 20-30k more than he was.

OP (original poster) - there's a very helpful book called "surviving your divorce" by Michael Cochrane, LLP. Worth the $30 and covers SO many topics. As well, there are many helpful and knowledgeable ppl on this forum that will help you tremendously. Best of Luck, and Welcome!

[beebie]

I'm from Alberta. Has your lawyer filed any documents yet? There is interjurisdictional forms that are used.

Giving him a deadline yourself is hilarious.

If it is not a court hearing deadline, then he cannot be cited for contempt of court.

In Alberta, the debtor parent is required to file his financial disclosure in 30 days. Including all those tax years he just never got around to.

However since you took off with the kids "for support" you are now stuck with filing all this from Ontario which will take much much longer.

Ask your lawyer if he /she has filed the necessary forms to get things rolling.

They will impute income in Alberta but the threshold test is much harder than other provinces. Nevertheless, you get his employment title and look it up on Alberta WageInfo (or whatever it's called) if you don't know what his income is already.

Taking off with the kids was harsh.

[MrToronto]

heartless people...poor dads in Aberta .ex seems to just up and moved to Ontario to be with family....uhm...er...yeah rip the guys head off for money..that always makes things better...sheesh poor guy and I guess he loses his kids and his money...sad really

[HBW]

Beebie, how was taking off with the kids harsh? I was protecting them and myself from a very verbally and emotionally abusive person, who would get violent when he drank, and then would turn around and blame me for his behaviour.

Living with someone like that.... THAT was harsh!

[raven70]

jurisdiction

i am going to be blunt here, sorry. i dont like what you did removing the
children from there father, you knew what he was all about and had a family with him.

i hope he gets a good lawyer and you lose jurisdiction arguement. you certainly will loose support quantums for what you did and any access costs.

i dont wish you any luck, your too selfish,

raven

[HBW]

MrToronto, you have have no clue about me and my situation! You have no idea about the abuse I endured over and over again, and having to lock myself with the kids in my room because I was so terrified at what he might do as he came home drunk. You have no idea that I was the educated one making good money, put a huge down payment on our house, and now I'm jobless and live on my parent's sofa. Shame on you MrToronto for making assumptions!