So sick of this bullying!!!

[JB514]

Please help me ASAP since I have to respond to her.
A msg that was sent to me from my D's facebook account.
"Hi, as you know, it's almost back to school. We have been travelling to many different places trying to find a better way. I need my teeth cleaned. I need glasses. Every place we seem to go to doesn't deal directly with your union. I have limited time right now until back to school. You are responsible for my benefit coverage. We need to come to an agreement to pay upfront. Please try to inform yourself better and find a better way to help us get through this financially. I'm not able in any way to wait or pay directly this full amount of payment. Please take this into consideration to come up with a better agreement. Due to the fact that I will have to take it to court once again for a change. Thank you. Hope to hear from you soon."

Here is the scoop on this. My Insurance company is accepted by most dentals and I am writing a msg back with a list of offices near them that I called and confirmed direct reimbursement. However, my main issue is that obviously my ex is using my D as a mediator. I don't appreciate being always bullied to be taken to courts and don't think that the D should be put in the middle of this BS. I do know that the D is more than willing and ok with her mother doing that, but sometimes it is just not appropriate sending msgs through my D and threatening to take me to court. And I feel limited at what I can respond since it will be going through my D.

The reason I cannot contact my ex directly, is because she has blocked me from emails and facebook, and doesn't provide the phone #( to be quite honest, I would not call her even then because she doesn't know how to speak without yelling. )
As some of you might know from my previous posts, I have not had a relationship with my D for 2 years now last time, but this on and off has been going on for 8 years now.

My Q is what should I write to my D's email in regards to her being involved in this directly and that the mother should leave her out of it and contact me directly? (in the past I have made a reference to her being informed by her mother of things that a child should be out off, my D's response was to leave her mother out of it and that it is her who writes me these emails). THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR TIME!!

[standing on the sidelines]

I would respond with something like.

I would like to deal with this so please ask your mother to contact me directly thru email instead through you. The sooner your mother contacts me directly the sooner we can move ahead on getting these things done.



If your ex is so paranoid of whatever she can set up a hotmail account and use that one for emails from you, instead of you having her primary email.

[JB514]

Thanks Standing, my ex is not paranoid, she just thinks it makes my life harder not to have her contact info or whatever, so she does that.
But as far as the response goes, I am afraid that my D will respond something like "I am old enough to make decisions for my self and can speak my mind now on my own!!!!" Has happened, like I mentioned in my OP. Just what do I say to my D and to ex that both of them understand that the child should not be involved in this things. Thanks

[Exquizique]

I agree with Standing, something brisk and business-like to the tune of "Please have your mother contact me directly so that we can sort this out and get you what you need in a timely manner." should suffice.

Funny how if the daughter is claiming that she is the one who writes these emails, that she would be saying things like: "Due to the fact that I will have to take it to court once again for a change." (emphasis added)

It's very sad how some people use children as pawns and tools.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I don't use Facebook so I'm curious...when she posts like that can everyone on her/your friends list see it?

[standing on the sidelines]

you can send a personal message on facebook, it doesnt show up on the main facebook page for everyone to see

[JB514]

Agree, in this email it is clear that it comes from the mother, but other history emails did not have "I take to court" etc. But I guess that should do and lets see shit hit the fan. There is no going around it now.

[JB514]

I don't use Facebook so I'm curious...when she posts like that can everyone on her/your friends list see it?

Not if its a private msg. In the past my ex has publicly posted on my D's wall on facebook "wait till I take his sorry ass back to court" and my D liked the post (facebook users would know what I'm talking about, but its a button that you press under the post and it says after so and so likes this post thumbs up)). I also thought that was unacceptable since all her teenager friends will see that. But cant fix stupid ; (

[arabian]

Agree with Standing's first post on this thread. If your daughter persists just send same message over and over. Don't give in.

[arabian]

I would be surprised if your ex could get in to see a dentist at this time of year anyhow unless she had appointment booked long time ago. That's what the real issue probably is.

[JB514]

Its actually not that hard to book an appointment within 2 weeks. Iam sure there are offices that are booked up, but the market is over-saturated with dental offices everywhere.

[JB514]

This is what I wrote to her "Here is a list of just a few clinics NEAR you, that I found on internet in 5 minutes and called them up. They submit claims and get reimbursed directly from MY insurance company. It is a major insurance company and all dentist offices deal with them. The only time they do not is if it were the OFFICE POLICY to get payment up front from the client and the client gets reimbursed.

As far as discussing these issues using XXXX as a tool through which you communicate with me, this will be the last time I respond. From now on, if you have any business to discuss relating to XXXXX, email me directly. You were provided with my email at the last court appearance, but I will provide it again
xxx@xxx or facebook.

Hope the information below resolves your financial issues since in either of these offices you DO NOT have to pay up front, and they all accept new patients."

This is what I got back from my D
"Look, since my mom's name cannot get any information from your union because shes not authorized, im the one who has been calling for the information because they wont give her any information. As of eye care, noone wants to do it directly. Do you think we are not actually capable of doing the things right? Well, thats where you are wrong. Even me, sending you the messages, & approaching you nicely, & politely, you still can't find it in your heart to be reasonable to me as your daughter? After all, i have never tooken advantage of anything in my past regarding the union, it is more than appreciateable that you only help me & not judge my mom. Why should my mom try to contact you when you never had any kind of rrespect for her as a person & as my mother? I dont blame her for not wanting to contact you asking you for anything so i have taken over to inform you of what is happening. I would appreciate if you wouldnt be rude and respect my mom after all she is my mother & has raised me from day one & has been there for me all my life."

P.S. And I am actually very non confrontational person and my biggest flaw is actually being too soft and some people take advantage. And as you can see, she considers it a disrespectful email cause I asked that her mother deals with me directly? I have no clue how to deal with this people, and don't recognize my D ; (

[Berner_Faith]

Rinse and repeat.

All you have to do is stay firm... your daughter should not be involved in this type of drama.

I am not sure how much I believe your daughter anyways... for instance, my bf's ex wife has access to MY benefit information because the children are included on my benefits. She is able to submit claims directly without my prior consent.

I wouldn't take what your daughter says too personally... that last line "told you guys" tells me she really did not want to get in the middle of it, but is being forced into the middle.

[JB514]

Sorry Berner, That last line was from me to you guys! LOL Because I knew shit will hit the fan.

[Mess]

JB, to me, your message had far too much information.

The more you write, the more details you put in, the more there is for the other person to argue.

We all suspect that is your ex impersonating as your daughter, but your daughter has access to the account and will read the exchange.

standing on the sidelines' suggestion of "Have your mother email me and we will work it out" is all you had to write. This turned into a back and forth argument because you agreed to participate in it.

I don't recall how much time you get to spend with your daughter, but next time you are with her, in a gentle and non-accusatory way ask if her mother was using her Facebook. Of course you will get a sulk in response. At this point it is not unfair, in a gentle way, to say that your insurance will cover costs but that her mother has to work with the company's rules, the same as anyone would, and the situation would be the same if you were still married. THEN YOU HAVE TO DROP THE SUBJECT. She needs to hear a reasonable explanation, not trash talk about her mum, and then you both need to let it go.

Her mother is obviously alienating her from you, you can't get into a battle with your daughter, and you can't engage in trying to alienate her from her mother in return. But what you can do is make simple, factual assertions that don't directly attack her mum, and then leave it be. She can hear the facts and make up her own mind.

Don't engage with your daughter, or your ex for that matter, in a debate about how many clinics are in the area. You are just getting baited deeper into an argument you don't need.