Bedroom Drama

[Karver]

Ok, I guess I've got some drama coming my way.
So we've been separated just over 2 months. It was an ugly blow out. I was told to get out of the house, but lawyer said do not leave no matter what, so I went and slept on a mattress on our nannies floor over garage- i left room because im very intimidated by x.
We've got a huge house under renovation. There is a bedroom in basement, but it's not done. Once anger subsided, we started working on our separation agreement. In it it states that I am in master bed and that the x is in basement room- this is not the case, but the sep agreement isn't signed.
Over the past 2 months x has renovated one of the kids rooms- which was unnessassary. then x sent contractors away. I asked why the basement room is not getting finished, x said he's not finishing that room until I sign the separation agreement- which hasn't even been looked over by lawyers yet.
So x took kids and nanny on vacation and I'm lying on floor thinking this is just not fair that I'm still on floor- I have to knock on masterbedroom door to get my clothes or whatever because all my stuff still in there.
so I fixed up basement room and put all x stuff down there and went back into master.
I emailed x saying I've moved the stuff as per our verbal understanding. I've been following the agreement, Eventhough it's not legal yet- x has done nothing what he's agreed to. Now he phoned and said no way he will stay in the basement, he's not doing nothing until I sign the agreement. He says I can stay in the room with him or move our sons together and take one of their rooms. I don't want to put my son out when there is a room in basement.
So what now? Should I just move down there? We agreed he would go down there, but it seems he can just make rules as he sees fit, unless I sign the agreement and the waiver that I will agree to not subject him to financial disclosure.
Is there any argument that I can give or should I just go to the basement. I'm so sick of getting bossed around, but I can't seem to get out of it. I'm like an unwanted guest in my own home and now my 3 young sons have seen me sleeping on floor for months now. They are all on the way back, including his mother- he's strongly "urging" me to change what I've done before he gets home. Hello anxiety, how are you this hour

[blinkandimgone]

I think you really need to consider what your priorities are at the moment. If it's so important to him, or if he's just doing it to spite you then give up the master bedroom, keep the peace and focus on the important things. You will sfind out soon enough that this really isn't a huge deal,although it may feel like it right now. And hey, if he's doing it out of spite then you won't be giving him the satisfaction of being upset about it.

Whatever you do, do NOT sign anything waiving financial disclosure, that would just be stupid.

Perhaps you could put the kids together in the master bedroom and then each take one of the children's rooms? Then nobody has to sleep in the basement, you both compromise and everyone wins a little bit.

[OrleansLawyer]

The first piece of advice is to hire a lawyer. If you are signing an agreement that says he does not need to provide financial disclosure then you DEFINITELY want disclosure. You are risking a very large portion of what would otherwise be your money. Do not sign away your right to financial disclosure.

Regarding the bedrooms, you have mentioned that you are strongly intimidated by your ex. If he insists on sleeping in the master bedroom, and concerned that he would force his way in, I would suggest avoiding that conflict. Depending on your financial situation, if you have joint accounts or credit then you could pay to fix the spare room or at least provide yourself with a bed.

You are being forced to sign an improvident agreement and sleep on the floor in your own house. It sounds like you are being bullied into a bad situation. Talk to family members who can assist you and provide support. And either retain a lawyer or talk to your lawyer about the agreement before signing anything. Remember, until it is signed, it isn't worth the paper it is printed on.

[Karver]

I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not important where I'm sleeping, as long as its not the floor. It's just that everything he says he'd going to do is bullshit and I'm so upset that he always gets his way. He was "supposed to pay me back for groceries and the sports stuff and he hasn't. The lawyer took almost all the money I had left for a retainer. So now I'm broke, feel like shit and have what seems like no say in anything. I feel like I should just pack up, take my $500 and just leave. I've been replaced by his nanny. I am bothered. I feel really bad and stupid and weak.

[Karver]

I wish I had family to count on but I'm afraid I'm looking at it in the mirror. It's a pretty lonely place to be.

[Mess]

There is no law against you putting a lock on your bedroom door, and in fact one of the criteria to establish that you are in fact separated when you still share the same address is that you have separate bedrooms with locked doors.

The question is whether you should fight over the master bedroom. You only have one bed to go around? One way or another you need another bed!

1. Stay in the "nanny" room over the garage (is the nanny actually there? Where does the nanny stay?) and get a bed for yourself.
2. Stick to your guns, stay in the master bedroom, put a lock on the door.
3. Take the basement room, get a bed, put a lock on the door.

Pick one!

[blinkandimgone]

I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not important where I'm sleeping, as long as its not the floor. It's just that everything he says he'd going to do is bullshit and I'm so upset that he always gets his way. He was "supposed to pay me back for groceries and the sports stuff and he hasn't. The lawyer took almost all the money I had left for a retainer. So now I'm broke, feel like shit and have what seems like no say in anything. I feel like I should just pack up, take my $500 and just leave. I've been replaced by his nanny. I am bothered. I feel really bad and stupid and weak.

Then it sounds like what he's doing is working because you're letting it get to you. Please stop letting him 'win', and by that I don't mean letting him get his way, I mean letting it affect you. He doesn't care who sleeps where either, he cares that he can make you feel like crap over it.

I'll bet the tables would turn quite quickly if you decided to kill him (not literally!) with kindness, smile sweetly and agree with his BS ideas about the bedroom etc. Once he sees it now longer bothers you he isn't getting his payoff and you gain more power over your situation.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not important where I'm sleeping, as long as its not the floor. It's just that everything he says he'd going to do is bullshit and I'm so upset that he always gets his way. He was "supposed to pay me back for groceries and the sports stuff and he hasn't. The lawyer took almost all the money I had left for a retainer. So now I'm broke, feel like shit and have what seems like no say in anything. I feel like I should just pack up, take my $500 and just leave. I've been replaced by his nanny. I am bothered. I feel really bad and stupid and weak.

Karver: In home separations are no joke. In my opinion, I'd skip arguing about the rooms...head into the basement and invest in a good lock. Also I'd have somewhere offsite to store documentation.

Speaking of which, if he's out of the house, I'd be using the opportunity to go through every single bit of paper in the house. Take copies of bank statements, account numbers, drivers license numbers, retirement info, etc, etc and get them out of the house. You're missing an opportunity here.

You've got a wayyyyyy bigger struggle right now than where you sleep. I'd simply pull the top mattress off of the bed in the master bedroom and drag it down into your room. Take whatever furniture and belongings you need out of there and move it down into your room....basically, split what you can to make your room a bit more liveable. I also kept a small fridge/microwave in my room during my prison-time...that way i could avoid the kitchen when he was around.

In home separations are up there with the most difficult parts of the divorce process and its a game of chicken. If you don't want to be bullied, then calm down and recognize that this is about a long-term, fair settlement. You're going to need to get a lot of sleep, eat properly and spend time out of the house when you're not with the kids.

So now I'm broke, feel like shit and have what seems like no say in anything. I feel like I should just pack up, take my $500 and just leave. I've been replaced by his nanny. I am bothered. I feel really bad and stupid and weak.

I was broke for a while too...its part of the process and its a test of your fortitude. Hang in there...borrow what you can and DO NOT let him financially blackmail you into a stupid settlement. You will be so sorry and bitter about it later. You're not stupid or weak....you're just getting out of a bad marriage and this is the process. This part is temporary...trust me on that.

Hang in there for you and for your kids. Its ok to have a bad day but do not make critical decisions on those days. Wait until you have all the data and are in a good frame of mind and thinking clearly to make any decisions...especially about custody/access or money.

[Karver]

Ya, your all right. He just says his controlling mean bullshit and I just take it and run with it.
I'm not going back to nannies room- she has her own room- I sleep on a mattress in her kitchen.
I'm not making my son a pawn in this game, he can keep his room.
I will tell x that ive done my share of moving, if he doesn't like it he can move it all. And he can move all my furniture to the basement. No lock on that door, as there is no door, but I hung a nice curtain.
I have taken copies of all I find. I feel I have alot of knowledge on this person and his finances.
He just GETS to me so bad. He always gets his way. I guess I just give him all this power. I wish I could stop that.

[FaithandMorals]

Limited money and compromise

If funds are that stretched and you want to compromise go buy a lock and put it on the basement bedroom door. Since you don't have the money for a bed, take the one from the master and in exchange give him the master bedroom. Sounds a fair compromise to me. I had to put a lock on the spare room door just before my ex moved out as they were stealing documents.

[MrToronto]

anybody ask this lady if she has a job?....anybody ask why the kids are with the dad most of time...the dads not here to defend himself...so go easy...floors a nice touch but they have a nanny obviously well off and can afford a "bed"....lot's here that makes no sense..the financial disclosure stuff ..must of been a trade off for somehting....3 boys are tough..nannies are for people that don't parent, so I assume mom wanted running away monies and isn't getting it so she's sticking around....there's more here than meets the eye...

[blinkandimgone]

And all of that would be entirely irrelevant, so why bother asking?

Regardless of the job status, nanny status or any of the other things you mentioned, she is just as entitled to be in the home, not be intimidated or blackmailed into signing and unfair agreement.

Not sure where you got the idea that the kids spend most of their time with Dad??

[Karver]

Husband got nanny because he was NEVER home and we have no family, so it was to keep me from nagging him while he made his money and enjoyed his life. Hes had barely anything to do with these kids until this separation. Yes, he had me working at his office over the years right up to when I gave birth and back the next day because he would never give me a dime of money I didn't earn. And i didnt earn alot BECAUSE i only worked a couple hours a day so a nanny wouldnt be raising my kids. Any groceries i bought i would have to submit receipts to get paid back. He had nothing when i met him, he's built his empire while i was at home with babies. Yes, he'd love to pay me to just fuck off and have his nanny raise my boys, but I'm suffering through the shit so I can maybe have a life with my boys and an actual blood and guts man instead of this machine. Money did not buy me happiness, so Mr Toronto guy, don't hate me because my husband is a rich prick. And by the way, He did give me a mattress to lay on the floor, so I guess he's not that bad. Ha!

[MrToronto]

job status is important..the nanny is important and the amount of time dad spends with the kids is "relevant"....sooner or later karver is gonna get her buyout (because money does buy happiness) and karver can go get her dream man (all men being the same it won't be what she expects) kids don't fit into the equation when your looking for a blood and guts type fellow..I'm also thinking this husband my off had this experience before or is getting some really good advice...and is carrying out his plans like a machine...lol

[blinkandimgone]

job status is important..the nanny is important and the amount of time dad spends with the kids is "relevant"....sooner or later karver is gonna get her buyout (because money does buy happiness) and karver can go get her dream man (all men being the same it won't be what she expects) kids don't fit into the equation when your looking for a blood and guts type fellow..I'm also thinking this husband my off had this experience before or is getting some really good advice...and is carrying out his plans like a machine...lol

It is absolutely irrelevant to the questions she asked in this thread in regards to sleeping/bedroom arrangements.