I am having trouble co parenting with Ex

[davidm]

As I had posted in another thread, my ex and I have a 50/50 shared parenting plan. Things were great for 8 months then I started dating 3 months ago. In that time she has hired a lawyer and plans to take me to court to have our separation agreement reopened (wants more $, not the kids).

I take mondays tuesdays wednesdays and some times thursdays off to care for our 4 year old when she is not in JK. I was also picking my eldest up from school as my ex works till 5. This allowed me to see the kids more, provide free daycare and allow my ex to have work flexability. We also have ROFR in our agreement.
So 3 weeks ago we had a bad drop off. She told me she was going to restrict my access to kids, not allow me to provide daycare on her days and used profanity and gave me the finger in front of the children. Not saying I made the right decision, but I called the police as I was worried about her restricting my access to the children.

So since that time, she followed through on her threats and no longer allows me to provide daycare or pick up my eldest from school on her days. I have requested numerous times for her to disclose to me what the new daycare arrangements are. She only responded once saying the kids are looked after and that she picks my eldest up at 3:15.I feel daycare is a major decision and I should have been consulted or at least be provided information on what daycare they are at. My youngest has told me that mommy takes her to work some days, grandpa has watched her and mommys neighbour friend. The other day the neighbour picked the kids up from school while I was off.
She also told me that she wont respond further to my requests and I will have to direct questions thru her lawyer.

I feel it is not an effective way to co parent. I tried one last email today saying we have to put whats best for children ahead of our conflicts and to be effective co parents we must be able to communicate effictively. I have not received a reply.
She did text me later saying kids had a great last day of school and was quite friendly in the text, but did not comment on my request. I do not want to ask again as I am sure she will say I am pestering her.

Any suggestions on how to address this issue?

[FaithandMorals]

Motion

Bring a motion. Do it now or else she will effectively have made a new status quo. Regardless of outcome, you will get it on the record that she is doing stuff without your input.

[davidm]

Can I do that or does my lawyer have to? things are tight and would like to keep costs down.

Thanks

[SingingDad]

I agree with FaM. A motion is your best bet right now, if you have legal custody (decision making, access to information etc.) and she is making major parenting decisions without you that is the route to take.

Another option is while you are waiting for your court date contact some family services centres in your area and see if they offer the New Ways for Families" program. If they do propose, through her lawyer, that you both sign up.

It is a program built to help separated parents co-parent more effectively. There are 6-8 sessions with your own councillor and if they feel it would be productive they may have joint sessions with you and your ex at the end of the program.

The program was developed by Bill Eddy who has tons of experience as a Lawyer, Mediator and Social worker in dealing with parents in High Conflict separations (which seems to be what you are getting into now).

If things were "good" before taking the course may help you and your ex come together on a settlement and avoid court all together.

FYI Me and my STBX are just starting our sessions now and I'm hopeful that it might help us come to a settlement on at least a few things before we reach court (we have several issues on the table unfortunately).

[davidm]

Thanks, I just looked up that program but unfortunately it seems to only be offered in Alberta. I live in Ontario.

Do you think it would be wise to try one more email next week, advising her that I want to have a dialogue about this issue, but if she doesnt respond tell her that I will be forced to file an application?

Also, does she have a point that when the children are with her during her time she can make her own decisions? I just want to make sure I am not running on emotion and my point is solid.

Thanks

[billm]

Your situation sucks BUT its only been 3 weeks.

You still have them 50% at least right?

What she is doing is not fair to your children or to you. Suggest the parenting classes etc. Reiterate your ROFR agreement, and that allowing others to care for your children, or restricting access when she is not available is something that hopefully she understands would not work for her and you hope she changes her mind.

If she is taking you to court (or threatening), you can clear it up then.

I would not file a motion - are you going to run to the lawyers and courts every time you have an argument?? Believe me, you have years of little spats in front of you. Deal with it directly and by that I mean be nice, clear, and wait it out - as long as you have your 50% access for now that will have to be good enough.

Keep telling yourself that although you don't agree with her decision, it is her time, and it is generally NOT your job to police how good of a mother she is. We are all stuck with our parents

The presence of your new gf may have stirred things up.

[sahibjee]

I second billm, be patient, of course she had feelings for you and got jealous. wait it out another couple of weeks, if things don't get resolved, then advise her politely that you intend to have a judge help you guys reach an agreement.

[davidm]

Ok thanks for the advice. I have decided to wait and hope things improve.

[Karver]

Ah, the new girlfriend. That is the scenario I dread. All good intentions fly out the window when a new person enters the game. Crappy feelings are bound to happen, we're only human. If she's been reasonable throughout the rest of the process, she probably just needs time to go through her emotions and start to deal with it. Just keep new woman off radar when it comes to your x as much as possible for now.

[davidm]

Update: She invited me out with kids to the park this morning, so hopefully things will calm down. I guess what I don't get is she was the one having an affair in marriage and then a year later I get a GF and comes after me. Seemed kind of hypocritical, but I guess we can all be confused by our emotions.

[HammerDad]

Update: She invited me out with kids to the park this morning, so hopefully things will calm down. I guess what I don't get is she was the one having an affair in marriage and then a year later I get a GF and comes after me. Seemed kind of hypocritical, but I guess we can all be confused by our emotions.

We call them nutjobs for a reason.....

[Karver]

Emotions are a killer in these situations. It's easy to get caught in a flood of negativity. Especially if your moving on and she's still stuck in the past. I'm glad she's coming around. It's such a hard time for everyone involved.

[davidm]

I wonder what percentage of court cases are because of a spouse looking for revenge.
Despite my differences with my ex I never in a million years thought she would use the kids as a weapon to hurt me. I guess this process can bring out the worst in people, but still no excuse.

I also don't want to hide or break up with this new GF just because it makes my ex angry. Have to walk a fine line.

[Mess]

Update: She invited me out with kids to the park this morning, so hopefully things will calm down. I guess what I don't get is she was the one having an affair in marriage and then a year later I get a GF and comes after me. Seemed kind of hypocritical, but I guess we can all be confused by our emotions.

She needs for you to be alone and miserable because that validates her. It proves that all the issues in the marriage were your fault and she was right to do what she did (affair, whatever.) When you start a new relationship and are happy, it disproves her theory that you are a bad person. This is emotional logic, it's how she feels, there doesn't have to be any factual proof of it.

[SingingDad]

Thanks, I just looked up that program but unfortunately it seems to only be offered in Alberta. I live in Ontario.

Do you think it would be wise to try one more email next week, advising her that I want to have a dialogue about this issue, but if she doesnt respond tell her that I will be forced to file an application?

Also, does she have a point that when the children are with her during her time she can make her own decisions? I just want to make sure I am not running on emotion and my point is solid.

Thanks

I'm in Ottawa, and though it's not advertised anywhere in Ottawa I know of three places that do offer this program. I think it's because they typically get more referrals than they can deal with without advertising the program. Anyway it does exist all over the place it might just take a few phone calls to find where.

If things do get better, this program could still be helpful in preventing future difficulties.

SD