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  • Advice on Settling Issues re Access

    My partner is struggling tremendously with getting his ex wife to understand the benefits of shared parenting/access. He has spent the past year and a half having only every other weekend and a 4hour weekly visit despite his pleas otherwise. She provides the argument that the child (they have a 4.5 year old girl) should have "one home" i.e. only visit with her father during the week and maintains overnights should only be on the weekend.

    He has tried to engage her in mediation but she is refusing. He has tried the legal route – but she has flat out refused his Offer to Settle. They were scheduled to go to a Settlement Conference in April, but that was postponed to see if the two could work things out between the two of them without lawyers. He has recently given her another “offer” in efforts to settle access and custody and support issues and move on in life! She is suggesting they are worlds apart and I am guessing she will once again refuse to negotiate. So I am guessing the next step will be to re-contact his lawyer and book a Settlement Conference.

    We did have a moment of hope these past two months. His ex “graciously” granted him more time with his daughter, allowing for some week day overnights. The past 2 months the schedule allowed for 7 overnights in the month, including one school night each month. I have never seen both my partner and his daughter more at peace. He is feeling more involved in his child’s life and feels he has more quality time with her. We have seen a very positive shift in his daughter’s well being – she seems more settled (not “out of sorts” as she was with the previous schedule) and expresses often how much she loves staying over.

    His ex wife suggests that she is doing him a favour and that he should be grateful, as “most fathers don’t get that much time”. However as of yesterday, she is now saying the new arrangement isn’t working as she is losing time with her daughter and it is jeopardizing her relationship with her daughter. She fails to see that her small loss in time with her daughter is a positive gain for her daughter as she is being enabled to foster a better relationship with her father. She is also failing to see that this is not about her – it is about her daughter’s best interest – which is to maintain a meaningful relationship with both her parents.

    So I am guessing the next time the schedule is drafted he will be back to his every other weekend/weekly visit schedule – which we have clearly seen does not allow him to foster a meaningful relationship with his daughter.

    She maintains if the issues go before a judge, she will be granted sole custody and he won't get shared access and will be court ordered a visitation schedule i.e. every other weekend and weekly visit. Truth to this? His work schedule allows for ample time to be with his daughter and he has family who are happy to help in regular child care. They live in the same city. He is an excellent father. His daughter has a step brother and half brother at our home.

    Also if she refuses to even counter offer a second time and it does have to go back to legal route through settlement conference, can she be held accountable for the costs since she made no efforts to settle outside legal system when efforts were made on the other end?

    Any advice on how to settle all this as soon as possible???? This is becoming draining - it will be 2 years in June when she left the marital home, 3 years in Dec when they separated.

  • #2
    WOW! This certainly sounds familiar!!!!

    The chances of Sole Custody are remote imo. Has your partner had a say in the decision making regarding his daughter up to this point?


    Offers to Settle will only be looked at by the trial Judge after (s)he has made a decision and is deciding costs to be awarded. If the party who "wins" the trial gets what they had previously offered then it could lead to Judge to award costs to the "winning" party.

    Settling with an unreasonable party is next to impossible. Keep trying and document.

    Comment


    • #3
      He will never be able to change her point of view, EVER. All he can do is anything and everything for the child.

      She is using intimidation to scare him. "most fathers don't get that much time" is untrue, as there are many equal parenting or sole custody fathers out there. Tell her that by taking time away from him SHE is jepordizing the childs relationship with the father.

      Do some research and find articles supporting equal parenting and why it is so important for a father to be highly involved especially with a daughter.

      If it goes to court she will have to prove why you shouldn't be with your child. No judge would reduce or put in place restrictions like she is threatening without reason (aka dad is a drunk, arrested, child abuse, etc).

      Document everything, and decide as a father what he wants for the child. If equal parenting from two sepreate homes is desired, start now and build on that.

      One way to spend more time with the child is to work nights if she works days. Buy a home in the same school district so the child can walk to and from his home.

      Prepare for the long hall, as it will take just that.

      Comment


      • #4
        Have a great and highly detailed parenting plan. Outline schedule, routines, budgets, meal plans, anything and everything to illustrate how you want to facilitate the child's relationship with both parents and extended family.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by winterwolf7 View Post
          Have a great and highly detailed parenting plan. Outline schedule, routines, budgets, meal plans, anything and everything to illustrate how you want to facilitate the child's relationship with both parents and extended family.
          Should this plan be presented at a motion or saved for a trial?

          Comment


          • #6
            Well ideally I would make it part of a settlement package first, and see if the other party has any recommendations or response.

            Otherwise I would hope it can be included as part of a motion.

            The more detailed and professional the better, IMO. Plans for schooling, doctors, homework time, travel arrangements for access, travel arrangements for vacation time.

            Don't forget that if you win, you will be putting this plan into motion and making it a reality, so only propose what you can handle. But if you want to be involved, organized and proactive demonstrate it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Sounds very familiaar to me as well.

              You're going to trial. Start pushing for trial at all further conferences.

              No one can say exactly what the result will be - but if you're prepared in court then there should be no reason why he can't win shared custody.

              Try going down to the local court house and see if they offer any seminars/courses on shared parenting - and then use whatever materials from that course to further your cause.

              Costs would be decided after trial, and are awarded (if at all) depending on the outcome of the trial - and a huge factor for cost findings are how reasonable each side has been in the persuit of the end result.

              Sounds to me like she is being the un-reasonable one. So assuming you were awarded shared custody and your offers to settle were close to the judge's decision- then in theory you would be awarded costs.

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm sorry but $hit like this just pisses me off!!!

                Why can't parents (gender neutral 'cause both are guilty of playing games) see that our children are not freaking pawns!!

                I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in that I am trying to get ex to take kids more than EOW so that they have a good strong relationship with him!

                A friend of mine is going through the same thing you are - his stbx is threatening to take his kids away by going for sole custody when he's been more of the "primary" parent in their lives......

                It just really, really upsets me!! Mostly because I can remember being the kid caught between parents... it sucks!!

                Kids see and hear a lot more than us grown-ups really give them credit for! These kinds of BS "games" really affect them.....

                **sigh**
                sorry... stepping down off my soapbox now....



                No advice, just lots of best wishes!!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by mattine View Post
                  ...His ex wife suggests that she is doing him a favour and that he should be grateful, as “most fathers don’t get that much time”. However as of yesterday, she is now saying the new arrangement isn’t working as she is losing time with her daughter and it is jeopardizing her relationship with her daughter. ...
                  Wow, what a narcissist.

                  I would think that equal parenting is reasonable. Though you should not need it, he should be allowed to raise his daughter equally with his ex, I would think that the step and half brother relationships are very important too. I would stress that.

                  How far apart do you live?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Yes he has had decision making. HOWEVER...she is very controlling and dictates every thing and anything.

                    He put their child to bed EVERY night when they lived together - so for almost 3 years. Than he went to 4 overnights per month

                    Yes - narcissist. I believe she has a personality disorder. I won't even bore you with all the details of PA towards my ex and I. It has been a nightmare. Does taking off your daughters skirt and dancing in it and making fun of it seem like a reasonable thing? She didnt like what we dressed her daughter in. She than proceeded to throw the skirt out.

                    We live in a town of a 5km radius. She is less than a 2min drive.

                    I agree - I have suggested if this goes to trial or settlement - that those relationships with her brothers be stressed. HOWEVER....she tells us that we shouldn't call the boys her brothers - "its confusing to her" she says....they aren't her brothers. Last I checked - one shares the brothers blood.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mattine View Post
                      I agree - I have suggested if this goes to trial or settlement - that those relationships with her brothers be stressed. HOWEVER....she tells us that we shouldn't call the boys her brothers - "its confusing to her" she says....they aren't her brothers. Last I checked - one shares the brothers blood.
                      Well, it's good that she can't control what you say.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by cbarker78 View Post
                        Why can't parents (gender neutral 'cause both are guilty of playing games) see that our children are not freaking pawns!!
                        It all boils down to maturity, fears, worries and anxieties. Many parents are not able to see their children as unique persons. They see them as chattels (possessions). This is demonstrated best by parents who write divorce diararies that reference "my children" and affidavit materials that reference "my children".

                        They see children as property and not human beings. They lack the maturity to see beyond their own anxieties, needs, wants and desires and try to eliminate the other parent.

                        To be a successful co-parent/joint parent/shared parent you have to love your children more than you dislike/hate/loath the other parent. Until a parent is able to rationalize their emotions into relevant facts they will see their children as their property.

                        Judges see right through this though. Write an affidavit that says "my children" in it and see what a Superior Court Justice says to you and your solicitor these days.

                        "our children" not "my children" or "the children".

                        It is always amazing to read about how much someone loves their children but, goes on motion requesting supervised access, sole custody and all sorts of outrageous requests... It only demonstrates their inability to love their children more than they dislike/hate/loath the other parent.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          She sounds VERY insecure about the strength of her relationship with her daughter (for whatever reason maybe they are not well bonded ... but that is solely HER problem to deal with). And we are in a culture where still it is expected (by her and all her social group) that mom has the primary caregiving role, so this is setting her expectations.

                          She will have to come up with some better reasons why she should have sole custody and the lion's share of time ... but from what you have written so far, it sounds like she won't be able to find better reasons.

                          So, I think you are in a good position for the court to support you in gaining EQUAL parenting time and confirming joint custody.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by mattine View Post
                            I agree - I have suggested if this goes to trial or settlement - that those relationships with her brothers be stressed. HOWEVER....she tells us that we shouldn't call the boys her brothers - "its confusing to her" she says....they aren't her brothers. Last I checked - one shares the brothers blood.
                            That's utter BS!! If you raise children to have a sibling relationship, then they are siblings! Step or Half really doesn't matter!! I have three younger half brothers, and by all accounts they are my brothers... The only confusing to her is her mother telling her otherwise!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              My concern would be status quo. You mention that they have been separated for two years, without any formal custody arrangement. But at some point your partner accepted EOW in practice and, from what I understand from others on this forum, that may come back to bite him.

                              Maybe some more senior members could weigh in on the likelihood that a judge will order something different than the status quo. Personally, I think you would have a better chance if you can provide concrete evidence of her alienating behaviours. A judge would be more inclined to ensure dad's role as an equal parent by formalizing it, rather than relying on mom to be cooperative.

                              Comment

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