Time share schedule

[Mess]

☺I have bought a couple of books from psychologists that were recommended to me. They suggest no lengthy time away from a primary care giver until the baby is old enough to communicate. Then on here it seems that a lot of people think it's ok. I just want our daughter to feel secure and there is such conflicting advice.
She is very healthy, smart, happy. She's walking, already has lots of words..always smiley. I am worried we make the wrong decision and
then it's set in stone by court document. I also worry about him being clean for a couple months out of 10 years..kind of worries me too.

☺.

Just to address this a bit, you could just as easily find psychologists who will support time away from a "primary care giver." Actually a better way to think of it is, the child at that age is bonding with people as care givers. There can be more than one, and there is no developmental benefit to the child if there is one, two, or three. The longer the child bonds with one parent, the more difficult and stressful it is to be away from that parent.

In your case I think it is more important to know that the father is capable as a care giver. The drugs and drinking are an issue, also the desire and emotional committment. Skills can be learned, but there needs to be an effort made to learn them. If this is something he wants, he should be able to show all of these things.

Just as an example, both of our kids went to daycare at 12 months, my ex and I cared for them equally at home evenings and weekends. Either of us might have been out for an evening, taking a regular class. Both of us fed, diapered, bathed, put to bed, got up and dressed, etc. etc. Our kids recognized each of us as "primary caregivers" and also saw the daycare staff that way. Our oldest is now 15, youngest 8, both are bright, loving, happy, unstressed, well adjusted, sociable, well behaved, and do well in school. That doesn't mean I'm right and the psychologists are wrong, but it is why you read support on the board for two parents equally involved. For those of us who have experienced it, it works.

I have no idea which books you have read, but when I have read psychologists recommending "this or that" they seem to refer vaguely to stress or the child being upset, etc. IMHO it's not possible to keep them in bubble wrap, it is part of human growth to cope with reasonable levels of stress and change. In addition to debates over custody levels, there are also huge debates over whether daycare is good or bad for kids, at what age they can start, etc. Both my ex and I read as much as we could when we were deciding, and there is simply no evidence that the child being away from the "primary caregiver" causes any problems, certainly not long term developmental problems. Yet we still see debates and articles quoting this or that psychologist, and then counter arguments quoting someone else.

[NBDad]

Unless you have DUI's/etc that you can produce, you won't get a lot of traction on the alcohol thing. There are a ton of "functional" alcoholics. If he shows up reeking of booze/slurring his words, etc then by all means contact the police rather than allow him to take the kid.

BUT if he shows up showered/coherent/etc....the fact he likes to drink isn't enough to deny access.

The fact he admitted to being a drug user should be grounds to request a graduated increase in time as well as drug testings. If you phrase things properly, you should be able to avoid the "random" thing.

The hair follicle test is accurate back like 30 days or something, so if you increase time at 30 day intervals, based on a successful hair follicle test, you know that he's been sober at least 30 days. As long as you schedule the tests within the time limits the specific test is capable of, he won't be able to use without it showing up. You may need to be prepared to pay 1/2 the costs of these tests, or agree to it coming out of the CS or something, given YOU are the one requesting them. They CAN get expensive.

[janedoe99]

do you think I could ask for that or do you think a judge would say I am being too picky? Random tests would be best.
But I've heard it's basically impossible to get testing unless there are police records etc.
Regarding Alcohol..he won't admit to being a regular drinker...he said on his application he was a modest drinker. I think it's because he doesn't want to test for that..who knows. But he is far from modest.

[janedoe99]

Yes that is exactly what I would hope for. He has done or possibly done a few tests in the last month with his Dr. and I don't think that it's enough time to prove sobreity. It could be that he's just trying to be sober long enough to get what he hopes for..then go back to his ways.
I don't have any hard proof that he used drugs other than in his application he admitted to be a regular drug user but has now stopped.
I wonder if that if proof enough to show that he needs a period of time without it. Unfortunately his real addiction is to alcohol..but that is legal and I have no police records or recent DUI's.
I think with drug use etc..the graduated system is a great idea. Not only to protect the child but it helps the parent to recover because if they use it as a coping mechanism..then they can no longer. This makes them learn to deal with stresses of raising a child and have more positive outlets.

I just worry that a judge is going to say "good job for being 2 months clean tests...and you've proven yourself.."

Or I worry because of all the false allegations against fathers that a judge will think I am in that catergory.

I don't see him for enough time to know if he's still drinking a lot but
I do pay close attention to things and have noticed lately:

-he dresses and showers more
-his car is clean (it used to look like a homeless man lived in it)
-he is not as grumpy (still grumpy but not as often)
-he seems to have more money
-he has been awake when I've called at 9am on weekends.

[FamilyBlah]

in addition to what NBDad suggests, be sure to agree on the specifics of the testing...ex/ who does the test, what they test for, etc...

[NBDad]

What you are talking about in terms of a "graduated" increasing time is a "parenting plan".

Nothing is EVER set in stone. With a material change in circumstances (ie. the ex starts using again) then you can reopen the custody situation.

What I would suggest:

You submit a parenting plan that calls for both a gradual increase in time over the next 12-24 months, with the caveat that the ex take regular drug screening tests. Anyone know how long a hair follicle test is accurate for? 30 days? 3 months?

I would find that out and increase the time at THAT interval, provided he submits a hair follicle test showing sobriety. No test = no increase.

Failed test = material change in circumstance = grounds to file motion with the court.

You are far better to allow him the opportunity to slowly increase his time and prove that he can handle things. As long as he behaves and can show continued sobriety than you don't have grounds to deny or limit access.

The "best interests of the children" check would typically hold that the child benefits from maximum contact with BOTH parents.

[janedoe99]

Thanks FamilyBlah..you are right. I guess I am just getting conflicting advice from the ex, my lawyer, the laws, psychologists etc. I'm trying to work on an offer or access schedule that is going to be good for my daughter but when I find something I think is best...I find conflicting advice.

My hope is to do a gradual time share. Starting unsupervised and at the current schedule and leading to an occational overnight with frequent day time visits. THen leading to regular overnights in addition to daytime.

I wish that we could reassess the situation in 3 years to see what's best for her at that time. Maybe a week on week off would work providing ex is still being responsible and our daughter seems to be adjusting. Signing an agreement for the rest of her life now...is scary. I don't know if in 3 or 5 years what will be best for her.

Ex currently doesn't have his own residence. He's living in his sisters house for the last couple of months.

OCL is not yet involved, my ex asked for involvment from them but my lawyer said they likely won't order it because of her age.

[FamilyBlah]

ok so my ex has not done up a legal offer but he has called me to tell me what he wants. He says if I don't do it that way that he will go through his lawyer to get week on week off. I don't think that is a good schedule for an 11 month old to go without seeing each parent for long time.

He is proposing

Tues 5-7pm and Thurs to Sunday night (every other weekend)
Alternate Week: Tues-Wednesday overnight, thurs- fri night

My daughter is 11 months old..he has supervised visits currently (10 hrs a week)
because of admitted drug and alcohol problem (which caused temper issues with our daughter). In the last 2 months he
he has to my knowledge stopped drug use and cut back on the alcohol. He says he has been taking drug tests with his Dr.

I have bought a couple of books from psychologists that were recommended to me. They suggest no lengthy time away from a primary care giver until the baby is old enough to communicate. Then on here it seems that a lot of people think it's ok. I just want our daughter to feel secure and there is such conflicting advice.
She is very healthy, smart, happy. She's walking, already has lots of words..always smiley. I am worried we make the wrong decision and
then it's set in stone by court document. I also worry about him being clean for a couple months out of 10 years..kind of worries me too.

Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Firstly, I just want to address the part I bolded.

Keep in mind that the only concern is the best interests of the children. In your case it is the best interests of your children...and what is in the best interests of your children is not necessarily the same as what was in the best interests of someone else's child(ren).

People who come on here do not know all the facts of your case. Hopefully you do! It is important to try very hard to weed through the information you get here and keep in mind that people are trying to help, but they are doing so with limited information.


Is the OCL involved in your case?

[janedoe99]

ok so my ex has not done up a legal offer but he has called me to tell me what he wants. He says if I don't do it that way that he will go through his lawyer to get week on week off. I don't think that is a good schedule for an 11 month old to go without seeing each parent for long time.

He is proposing

Tues 5-7pm and Thurs to Sunday night (every other weekend)
Alternate Week: Tues-Wednesday overnight, thurs- fri night

My daughter is 11 months old..he has supervised visits currently (10 hrs a week)
because of admitted drug and alcohol problem (which caused temper issues with our daughter). In the last 2 months he
he has to my knowledge stopped drug use and cut back on the alcohol. He says he has been taking drug tests with his Dr.

I have bought a couple of books from psychologists that were recommended to me. They suggest no lengthy time away from a primary care giver until the baby is old enough to communicate. Then on here it seems that a lot of people think it's ok. I just want our daughter to feel secure and there is such conflicting advice.
She is very healthy, smart, happy. She's walking, already has lots of words..always smiley. I am worried we make the wrong decision and
then it's set in stone by court document. I also worry about him being clean for a couple months out of 10 years..kind of worries me too.

Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.