How do i start the seperation process?

[undersc0re]

How do I start the seperation process, saw a lawyer and he basically said try to arrange everything with your spouse ahead of time and we'll put something together for her to come in and sign if she will cooperate with you....basically the lawyer gave me some tips and things to be careful about etc and a few suggestions.

I can't get an answer out of my wife about anything, we have a house and 2 kids been living seperate in the same house now for 6 months, i keep telling her i would like to put the house up for sale and start seperating but she ignores me. Is she just trying to live for free as long as she can? I pay for everything pretty much including her auto insurance etc...I don't want to screw her and the kids out of food and a place to live etc...she does have a job and a nice suv and of course the contents of the house would go with her and kids and there is no way we could afford this house anymore and has no equity in it.

Do I force the situation and close the bank account and stop paying the bills etc....I hate the basement room I have to keep myself in....need freedom and closure soon as well as my pension is just building up for her i assume as long as we are not seperated legally. i am in bc.

thanks for any and all help!!!

[billm]

Are you sure you don't want raise the kids 50/50? (have them live with you an equal amount of time)

[theborg]

NEVER give up the house or the kids...50 50 like Bill said.....court cases are expensive but Seperation Agreements are fairly cheap (don't be cheap here) get a lawyer let her/him disolve the marriage....avoid court though

[Mess]

Right now you are "almost separated", you are in separate rooms, good. You need to close joint accounts immediately. Absolutely close any accounts that have any credit attached, like nsf protection. Absolutely close any joint lines of credit or credit cards immediately, in fact do it yesterday.

If you don't close these accounts, you are setting yourself up for hell.

Any cash, you should set aside half for the stbx and provide it to her immediately when she has her own account. EMAIL her all communications so that you can show that you have been making every attempt, and inform her that her share of the available cash will be provided as soon as she has her own accounts set up.

If the bank clerks give you any hassle about closing or freezing joint accounts, very calmly and assertively ask for a manager, very calmly and assertively state that you are separated, you want the accounts closed or frozen, and you will get a court order if necessary. I had some "junior" clerks say they couldn't close the account on my say so, I had to ask for a manager to close it.

End any joint car insurance NOW. You will have to do this immediately after you move apart, there is nothing to wait for. Don't feel sorry for her, she has to be independent and get her own insurance.

Simply stop paying for "everything". She is being an ostrich, she has her head buried and is ignoring reality. She will do this as long as you allow it. If you keep enabling her, you are as much a part of the problem as she is.

You have full joint custody of the kids right now, as soon as she leaves with them, if you just sit on your hands, she has custody. Decide now if you want 50/50; if not, why not? Speak with the kids, gently, and inform them you and their mother are separating, and ask them what THEY want, if they would like to still have both parents equally and have two equal homes instead of one. If you feel you can't handle this, that's your choice, but the children will do better with two parents than with one full time parent and a visitor.

[sahibjee]

I understand that this is a forum to seek and give advice for separation/divorce. I however would always first advise to to see a marriage counselor/mediator/arbitrator and see if the marriage can be fixed.

its too easy for the society today to say "break up" but the consequences are severe.

if you each have lets say for example 2 weeks of vacation each, spend three of those weeks away from each other, one week at a time, and then use the 4th week to vacation together, taking breaks in a relationship is important, so is spending quality time and fun.
hopefully things will work out at then

[theborg]

oooo....I have too add...good one by the way 'sahibjee"...works a few times outta a million....UNDERSCORE...I know the system runs guys down as incapable of taking care of kids ..there will be zero support for you in that area...(but u can do it it's easy ) your ex will be taking your kids to events and teachers stuff and scouts ...to build a case for sole custody ...watch the quiet ones..because there's stuff goning on too slam dunk you...it's amazing how people like teachers will throw u in the toilet with a simple note that only mommy came for teachers night...keep ur guard up...and you start takin kids to events and picnic's...it's fun!

[blinkandimgone]

Ironic how you want to play the gender card constantly and yet you ASSume that, simply because he's the dad, he doesn't already do those things.

Perhaps if YOU had bothered to do those things with your children from the beginning, for the right reasons, rather than waiting to try to jump in when you seperated just to spite the ex, your case would have been a lot more successful and you'd be far less bitter.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Theborg:

Are you canarymom's ex husband?

If so...

I understand.

[blinkandimgone]

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

[hadenough]

Oh Jeez. There's no room for another Canary. :s

TheBore is not even worth responding to. Funny, the gender bias bs - I certainly didn't witness anything of the sort in my case. As for Judges, my favorite one was Male - had him for a couple of TMC's. He was great and very well liked. He retired about a year ago - and he would not have been my Trial Judge anyway.

As for Separation Tips: I believe Mess made several good suggestions ^^

[cynthia10]

I agree...be upfront and fair and put the kids first...which is what I did in 2002....when I payed for and separated very very amicably...my only mistake was counting on him do pay for the divorce....be strong and fair, think about the kids and your relationship with them...tell them about the circumstances together as a couple...and remind them they will still always have the both of you who love them unconditionally..maybe ask a family member to watch the kids and the two of you take a walk and discuss stuff.....remind her gently that court is not a good place to end up in...waste of time and money and letting some stranger make decisions for you...Good Luck....remember to seek positive support together.....

[mcdreamy]

I understand that this is a forum to seek and give advice for separation/divorce. I however would always first advise to to see a marriage counselor/mediator/arbitrator and see if the marriage can be fixed.

its too easy for the society today to say "break up" but the consequences are severe.

if you each have lets say for example 2 weeks of vacation each, spend three of those weeks away from each other, one week at a time, and then use the 4th week to vacation together, taking breaks in a relationship is important, so is spending quality time and fun.
hopefully things will work out at then

Actually, great advice, if both parties are determined and will make a true effort. I came to this forum positive that I was going into a second marital break. After receiving some advice here in the general chat area, I'm more determined than ever to make my second marriage work, and so is he. We've had long talks and we have agreed that we would rather work towards a solution than a dissolution. It's slow, but it's good so far.

A good reminder, Sahibjee.

[cynthia10]

P.S.....put your ducks in a row....sorry for my romantic all will work out if you talk rant......do keep every email, do start dividing accounts etc....but ya know you have to protect yourself.....but be fair and document everything.....and always put the kids first......

[beebie]

Theborg is right though.

[Mess]

Theborg is right though.

You have been assimilated. You are the Borg.