Any Advice?

[Momoffour]

Hi Everybody

This whole business of separation is new to me. I will give a bit of history: married for just over 20 years, 4 children(3 that are adopted and special needs), caught my husband cheating on me 3 months ago. He told me all about the other woman in front of our 16 year old and told me that he won't stop seeing her. I went to a lawyer and told her that I want to file for separation, she mailed a letter to him, he hired a lawyer and responded.
Now everything seems to have come to a stand still. We(my lawyer and I) have asked for a meeting so that some issues may start to be resolved.
His respond to the intital letter was that he would not move out but continue to support the kids and I as he has been. He has said that he will commence paying child support once we are no longer living under the same roof.
He does not want his pension included in the division until 2015. He is getting alot of coaching on this from his parents and I am sure that he is planning on cleaning out the pension at that point so that I will not get anything. There is currently around $40,000 in the pension and I have no clue as to what this would be valued at in 19 years when he would be able to start to collect.
He is already arguing about what amount of child support he will be required to pay. He said that they can't MAKE him pay what the guidelines say and that he WON'T.
He wants the house put up for sale right away but I am hesitating till I know what is going to happen with his pension.
Right now all I want is to be able to start a new life for myself and my children who are having severe nightmares and behaviours right now.
I have enough money for a downpayment on another place before selling this one but I want to make sure that it is protected and that he can't come and claim part of it. At what point can I purchase another house?
Any advice that anyone can give me to help me navigate this rocky road would be greatly appreciated.

[hadenough]

Hi How old are the children? What is your husband's annual income? So you have retained the lawyer you refer to above? Have you ever worked outside of the home?

You can search through this forum for posts re: pensions. You will likely find a lot of info that may be helpful to your situation.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Momoffour:

I'm sorry for your situation.

First thing...take a deep breath and relax a bit. What you need to first do is figure out what path your lawyer is getting prepared to take.

It sounds like she's preparing for a 4-way which is good....it will identify what the issues are and more importantly for him and you, you're going get an understanding of what happens financially once the separation happens.

For instance, he and his parents can move money around all they want now...but as of the date of separation (which is probably the day he told you of the affair, may work out in your favor that he did it right in front of your kid) those funds are frozen for the purpose of marital asset determination.

He can also argue all he wants about what he wants to pay for child support. Again, this is nothing to worry about. If he pays child support...it will be based on the guideline and he will pay or lose any assets and licences that he has. It isn't a choice he can make...quite the opposite. Next time he states something like that...you can go ahead and laugh.

The house is marital property...as is any downpayment you probably have...unless there's special circumstances you have, such as inheritance. So your lawyer should have already told you that you have to come to an agreement on what is going to happen with the house before you can purchase anything else and/or move out. You will probably be discussing this at the meeting your lawyer is setting up.

You can search this forum for a lot of advice...but mostly it sounds like you need to sit down with your lawyer and figure out what her strategy is...particularly for the home and the interim parenting plan.

If I can tell you anything...you're going to find out some things you don't like. But he's going to find out a LOT more things that he's not going to like.

Search the forum here and have a conversation with your lawyer. Relax, take care of yourself and try not to worry.

[Tayken]

Momoffour:

I'm sorry for your situation.

First thing...take a deep breath and relax a bit. What you need to first do is figure out what path your lawyer is getting prepared to take.

It sounds like she's preparing for a 4-way which is good....it will identify what the issues are and more importantly for him and you, you're going get an understanding of what happens financially once the separation happens.

For instance, he and his parents can move money around all they want now...but as of the date of separation (which is probably the day he told you of the affair, may work out in your favor that he did it right in front of your kid) those funds are frozen for the purpose of marital asset determination.

He can also argue all he wants about what he wants to pay for child support. Again, this is nothing to worry about. If he pays child support...it will be based on the guideline and he will pay or lose any assets and licences that he has. It isn't a choice he can make...quite the opposite. Next time he states something like that...you can go ahead and laugh.

The house is marital property...as is any downpayment you probably have...unless there's special circumstances you have, such as inheritance. So your lawyer should have already told you that you have to come to an agreement on what is going to happen with the house before you can purchase anything else and/or move out. You will probably be discussing this at the meeting your lawyer is setting up.

You can search this forum for a lot of advice...but mostly it sounds like you need to sit down with your lawyer and figure out what her strategy is...particularly for the home and the interim parenting plan.

If I can tell you anything...you're going to find out some things you don't like. But he's going to find out a LOT more things that he's not going to like.

Search the forum here and have a conversation with your lawyer. Relax, take care of yourself and try not to worry.

Furthermore, don't let your lawyer take you into a heated legal battle over a 40,000 dollar pension. It really isn't worth the fight to spend 265-800$ an hour over 40,000 dollars. You are going to have to compromise on some things and be "pound smart" and not "penny foolish".

Stay on top of your retainer and make sure your lawyer isn't dragging you into an expensive fight at the end of which you will find yourself paying any equalization to the lawyer and not to yourself.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Momoffour]

Hi How old are the children? What is your husband's annual income? So you have retained the lawyer you refer to above? Have you ever worked outside of the home?

You can search through this forum for posts re: pensions. You will likely find a lot of info that may be helpful to your situation.

My children are 16, 12, 12 and 8. My husband used to make $70,000+ a year till he got himself fired. Now he makes around $38,000 a year plus overtime and profit sharing.
Yes, I have retained the lawyer that I refer to. She is very good at what she does but can be very slow.
I have been at home for the past 17 years raising our children and various other foster children.
I have read alot about pensions but I can't seem to understand alot of it. I know that there is currently around $40,000 in the pension but I am wondering what kind of ballpark figure that would end up being once it is valuated. Even 1/2 of the $40,000 could make a BIG difference in my kids lives.
I am constantly second guessing myself as he has mentally abused and controlled me for the entire marriage. I no longer feel like I have a brain what so ever.

[Momoffour]

Momoffour:

I'm sorry for your situation.

First thing...take a deep breath and relax a bit. What you need to first do is figure out what path your lawyer is getting prepared to take.

It sounds like she's preparing for a 4-way which is good....it will identify what the issues are and more importantly for him and you, you're going get an understanding of what happens financially once the separation happens.

For instance, he and his parents can move money around all they want now...but as of the date of separation (which is probably the day he told you of the affair, may work out in your favor that he did it right in front of your kid) those funds are frozen for the purpose of marital asset determination.

He can also argue all he wants about what he wants to pay for child support. Again, this is nothing to worry about. If he pays child support...it will be based on the guideline and he will pay or lose any assets and licences that he has. It isn't a choice he can make...quite the opposite. Next time he states something like that...you can go ahead and laugh.

The house is marital property...as is any downpayment you probably have...unless there's special circumstances you have, such as inheritance. So your lawyer should have already told you that you have to come to an agreement on what is going to happen with the house before you can purchase anything else and/or move out. You will probably be discussing this at the meeting your lawyer is setting up.

You can search this forum for a lot of advice...but mostly it sounds like you need to sit down with your lawyer and figure out what her strategy is...particularly for the home and the interim parenting plan.

If I can tell you anything...you're going to find out some things you don't like. But he's going to find out a LOT more things that he's not going to like.

Search the forum here and have a conversation with your lawyer. Relax, take care of yourself and try not to worry.

Thank you Pursuinghappiness...love the user name, that is exactly what I am trying to do in my life right now!
He is going to fight everything and try his best not to pay anything. He already made a statement to me that he is going to make sure that I don't have anything when this is all done and over with and that he will be sure that I never get another penny out of him.
We have a martial home but what I am wanting is to buy another place that I will be able to move into as soon as this one is sold. I am more then willing to continue to live here(well, not that willing) in order to make sure that the bills and mortgage continue to be paid. I just want to figure out at what point I can purchase another one(in my name only ) without the worry that he can make a claim on it. It seems from reading on here that some ex's have come back a couple of years down the road to try and make claims on property.
Guess I need to keep on my lawyer, but I am trying very hard NOT to run up that bill!
Wish me luck!

[Pursuinghappiness]

Guess I need to keep on my lawyer, but I am trying very hard NOT to run up that bill!

Per this...both you and Tayken just reminded me of something.

When I started my divorce, my lawyer is heavily mediation oriented and wanted to have a 4-way meeting with my stbx and his (1st) lawyer.

I was very skeptical over the idea of the 4-way because I knew my husband was very high-conflict and nothing would be resolved. I basically was worried that it would be a colossal waste of money. He had been threatening all the same things that it sounds like your stbx is.

Luckily before it happened, he ended up firing his lawyer and heading to a high-conflict one who immediately served me with documents for our now contested divorce. He ended up doing me a favor because I would have had to pay for the attempted mediation which can be pricey.

I would definitely sit down with your lawyer and make them understand up front that you're in a high-conflict situation and mediation probably won't work...you may just want to file. I'd also explain to the lawyer that you don't want them to respond to any letters etc, before they are forwarded to you. Half of them will be bullcrap threats not requiring legal response.

As to this:

I have read alot about pensions but I can't seem to understand alot of it. I know that there is currently around $40,000 in the pension but I am wondering what kind of ballpark figure that would end up being once it is valuated. Even 1/2 of the $40,000 could make a BIG difference in my kids lives.
I am constantly second guessing myself as he has mentally abused and controlled me for the entire marriage. I no longer feel like I have a brain what so ever.

Perfect, cause you're getting rid of him. Its time for you to cast aside his perception of who you are and be who you actually are. Who gives a shit what he thinks? Dealing with divorce if you use it as a positive, empowering situation can be a wonderful way to show you how independent you actually are. Educate yourself to the legal process and don't worry about his threats. They're meaningless and believe me, he's gonna find that out soon and you can have a good laugh. He's in for a rude awakening if he thinks he's going to tell you how much child support he's going to pay...lol.

You need to get on your lawyer about full financial disclosure..especially if you already know that he's been plotting stuff with his parents. Forensic accounting is expensive...so start with finding every bit of documentation you can around the house, getting copies and getting them somewhere safe. See if you can do a bit of your own research. Once the financial statements are in...review them carefully and try to remember any assets he talked about that may be not listed.

Bottom line, you may not be having a divorce that can be handled with mediation. It doesn't sound like it. I'd get yourself mentally prepared for a fight.

[Tayken]

My children are 16, 12, 12 and 8. My husband used to make $70,000+ a year till he got himself fired. Now he makes around $38,000 a year plus overtime and profit sharing.
Yes, I have retained the lawyer that I refer to. She is very good at what she does but can be very slow.
I have been at home for the past 17 years raising our children and various other foster children.
I have read alot about pensions but I can't seem to understand alot of it. I know that there is currently around $40,000 in the pension but I am wondering what kind of ballpark figure that would end up being once it is valuated. Even 1/2 of the $40,000 could make a BIG difference in my kids lives.
I am constantly second guessing myself as he has mentally abused and controlled me for the entire marriage. I no longer feel like I have a brain what so ever.

You have to pay the income tax on the moneys paid to you in the pension. Usually they are transferred to an RRSP or LIRA. If it is a managed pension that is.

You will pay way more in legal fees to fight over the 20,000 (half) of the pension. You also have to get an assessment done and both parties have to consent. If not, then you have to go on motion and hope that you get an order for the evaluation. If you lose on it you are going to have to pay costs and possibly the other party's costs. This could be additional money.

Your lawyer should make an offer to settle based on a smaller number than half... Furthermore, if the other party doesn't have the cash on hand, it will be a LIRA transfer and locked up until you reach the age you can withdraw it. If it is an RRSP it can be moved but, if you withdraw it... It adds to your line 150 and impacts CS.

Unless the pension is over 250K it isn't worth it to fight over it. Nor are the tax credits for CPP.

Good Luck!
Tayken