Brainwashing

[hadenough]

My son's father RARELY if ever does anything one on one with the child. It's been this way since he departed. As much as I dislike EX, and I don't believe he's a great influence (of any kind) it's pretty tragic that he cannot put aside time w/his son. He often cancels the Wed afterschool pick up w/excuses like "the baby is sick" (has 2 kids w/new partner) and blah blah blah. If I had a buck for every excuse, my house would be paid off.

I can see our son ending up feeling as your (adult) son does, Arabian. One thing that is evident: new partners should encourage their husband/wife to spend quality one on one time with their children from previous marriages. I look very closely at how men I've dated treat their kids. It's a telling sign of who they really are. Personally, I would find it very disturbing if a man I was dating did not show very obvious signs that he's a good father. The way people treat their ex's and first families says a lot.

I also would not interfere with any dealings with an ex. I think I kinda cleared that up in a previous post though when I said (more or less) that I wouldn't go near anyone embroiled in Family-Lit with a barge pole

Arabian: your experience is a case in point and fast forward scenario (your son is 30) of how badly and profoundly relationships can be damaged (between father and son). Yes for the younger 2nd families out there it's important for the kids to gel in etc., but it is very important that parents spend some one on one time - with ALL of their kids. PS: it's not that I have anything against ppl who are in court/litigation - I know too well how unavoidable it can be... I just couldn't go through it again. I'm even telling my mother to get ALL her affairs in order b/c I just don't want to be forever in Court or w/lawyers for the rest of my life :s

[arabian]

My son (30 now) and his father were fairly close and used to travel and do lots of things together until my ex got involved with his employee's wife. To set the record straight be know I am quite relieved that I'm divorced from him and could care less if he's with someone else (sucker). Throughout our separation and divorce I encouraged my ex and my son to try to keep up some sort of relationship. The girlfriend just couldn't let the two of them get together on their own - always had to be there which bothered my son to no end as he really didn't enjoy seeing them act like idiots and suck face all the time. My ex was pretty adamant that my son "has to accept this new woman." Well no he doesnt - he's not a child. Now my son has absolutely nothing to do with his father, and I mean NOTHING. I believe they might talk to each other once a year when my ex goes to my son's place of employment. Pretty sad.

[hadenough]

Arabian: that's funny - "the Gong Show" (that made me laugh!) and the same could be said for our Court appearances (and trial.)

He acted like a monkey chewing on a fly-swatter, which would normally be cute, if it were an actual monkey

Good Luck with your move. Pretty sad that your ex's partner has nothing more constructive to do with her time but drive by your house. I've come to the frightening conclusion that some people NEVER grow up. They love Drama and their own sad sense of self-worth is derived from being as pathetic as possible. You gotta chuckle a little at that. I do.

**GONG!!!**

[CCB]

She just might, that happened to me with an ex-boyfriend once. It is always nice to talk to someone who knows EXACTLY what you are dealing with LOL!

[hadenough]

She's in for it: Guaranteed! Worse than what he put me through. I've always felt that she will call me one day. Just a feeling.

[CCB]

That could be very likely hadenough, you know what they say about Karma LOL.!

[hadenough]

It would have been idyllic if I could have dealt w/her instead of him, but he had her convinced that I was a psycho that was still madly in love with him! The thought of it makes me cringe. HE knows I can't stand him, but he likes that she thinks I want her "man" lol.

I realized on the day she sent me about 12 psychotic email rants that she was painfully stupid and beyond help. Arabian: I know what you mean about feeling embarrassed in Court w/a bumbling ex sitting on the other side of the room. I commented on that in a different thread.

Anyway, BF: sounds like your situation is mostly under control and that's good. CCB and her husband are not likely to get the ex-wife to behave more reasonably, but they do need to focus all efforts on keeping the son close by. To both CCB and BF; your guys sound very involved with their children and that's great. My son's dad is EOW and can't manage that sometimes. As for his wife: it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if 2 or 3 yrs down the road, she's dragging him to Court.

[CCB]

My husband sometimes prefers to deal with his ex-wife's new husband. He is much more reasonable to deal with truth be told.

But she will not deal with me at all. Messed up!

We registered S9 to play soccer with his brother this summer. It's 2 fixed nights a week. His mother called him this morning and asked him if he wanted to play baseball this summer (2 random nights a week). We hear her say "I know you are in soccer already, but do you think it would be too much?". He says no. She says "well it might be that you just play baseball when you're with me but not when you're at Daddys".

The kids are week on week off this summer. So on the off weeks he's going to miss either baseball or soccer because there will inevitably be games ending up on the same nights. How can you be a team player when you're only there half the time? Nothing like setting Dad up to be the bad guy who makes him miss baseball. We have 3 boys in sports this summer, we are not SuperMan for christ sakes.

She just couldn't stand that we were the ones who signed him up for soccer this summer. My husband is furious. She just never stops.

[Berner_Faith]

I am sure it isn't easy for you and I can understand your frustration but, like you said... package deal.

This forum is for people going through divorce and all the aftermath, etc. You probably have a good point but maybe there is a forum for those of you who are married to the people who went through the divorce. My ex is with a woman who writes absolutely every bit of documentation for court and probably looks everything up for him as he's basically lazy. She has to involve herself in everything. We do not have minor children. It's pretty sicko. One small example.... When we first separated (he had put all of our company money into her bank account)he gave me money with a note from her (in her handwriting) insisting that I sign for it - MY OWN MONEY. Another example - I found his garage door opener that he had left in my son's car and dropped it off (left in his mailbox) and the bitch tried to have a peace bond (restraining order) put on me. She used to continually call my lawyer and I could go on and on.

My own personal experience has definitely made me have a very low regard for people who butt into matters that should clearly be between the two people who were married/had the children. I have heard the excuse many times that the new wife/girlfriend is just "doing the research" but I don't believe it all of the time. Sorry but that's just my feeling.

While I respect your point of view, not everyone is like that. I for one, do not speak to his ex regarding anything about their divorce. I simply provide him with the information and he does as he chooses.

That being said, when it comes to drop off/pick ups I am the one who communicates with the ex... her and I get along better then they do, so it is easier on all involved if I just do the pick ups/drop offs (most of the time). I guess I am different and realize that she is their mother and I will never be their mother. I don't expect them to call me Mom, nor do I act like their Mom.

Like I said, I ca respect your view because you have had the unfortunate part of having to deal with the ex's new partner, however just be aware that not all of us new partners are like that. Some of us can be mature and act like adults, not all of us have to act like childish bit**es

[arabian]

hadenough: yeah actually it was 29 yrs 11 months and 23 days!!!! My lawyer promised me I'd be divorced before the 30th anniversary. I go to court this coming Wednesday and I'm dreading the whole gong-show. At least this year my ex has a lawyer. Last 4 times in court I felt embarrassed every time he got up and talked. I felt like the judge was looking at me and thinking "you were actually married to this idiot?"

Yes hope there will be happy times ahead. I'm hoping to move in the next few months so the ex's girlfriend can't follow me and honk the horn while driving by.

[hadenough]

Arabian: Yes.. Shit sure does happen. A good sense of humor helps. Jeez.. 30 years - that's a lifetime. I hope there's better and more peaceful days ahead, for those of us that so very much need it!!

[arabian]

Hadenough - very well said and I agree with you. I like your perspective. I am saddened that my marriage of 30 yrs ended so poorly with so much animosity but I guess shit happens. I am going to be in litigation for a long time to come as well. Our divorce was done in 9 months but the court stuff has to do with the ashes of our company, and, of course my ex's attempts to have spousal support eliminated (notachance asshole).

[arabian]

I am sure it isn't easy for you and I can understand your frustration but, like you said... package deal.

This forum is for people going through divorce and all the aftermath, etc. You probably have a good point but maybe there is a forum for those of you who are married to the people who went through the divorce. My ex is with a woman who writes absolutely every bit of documentation for court and probably looks everything up for him as he's basically lazy. She has to involve herself in everything. We do not have minor children. It's pretty sicko. One small example.... When we first separated (he had put all of our company money into her bank account)he gave me money with a note from her (in her handwriting) insisting that I sign for it - MY OWN MONEY. Another example - I found his garage door opener that he had left in my son's car and dropped it off (left in his mailbox) and the bitch tried to have a peace bond (restraining order) put on me. She used to continually call my lawyer and I could go on and on.

My own personal experience has definitely made me have a very low regard for people who butt into matters that should clearly be between the two people who were married/had the children. I have heard the excuse many times that the new wife/girlfriend is just "doing the research" but I don't believe it all of the time. Sorry but that's just my feeling.

[hadenough]

The world is full of people going through all kinds of situations and ever-changing circumstances. I am glad my ex is with someone else. Better her, than me (with him). Considering she doesn't know me at all, it's pretty pathetic how she injected herself into the middle of everything right out of the gate. From my perspective, it's been a sad and telling example of just how wrongly influenced some women (men too) are, by what their new partner tells them. Basically believing every word they are told. In my case, even when it has been eventually discovered that he was/is a liar - she's perfectly okay with that it seems. Like I said - better her than me.

It's commendable when everyone can just get along/move on. Unfortunately that is obviously the exception, and not the rule. As for "package deals" - she can have him!! I have had little choice but to be engaged in litigation with him, and it's not over yet. I would have liked nothing more than to have ended things amicably and fairly. Those concepts are foreign to my ex. I would have preferred to deal with her, over him (ie: for pick ups/drop offs) in the early days, but that too was not to be.

She has harassed and threatened me via email and basically proven herself to be a drama-queen. They are perfect for one another. I may not be in CCB's position but I do know how all this crap can be very consuming. It feels like it will never end. BF and CCB: your guys are lucky to have your support.

There's a difference between support and throwing one's self (sp?) right into the middle. I can't imagine ever doing that. I personally have decided until things are more resolved for me, I'd prefer to be single. It probably sounds bitchy, but when the time comes that I might want someone in my life - it sure as hell won't be anyone with court/custody battles or a nutty/difficult ex. You couldn't pay me enough lol. I understand though, it's different if you're already in the relationship (long-term).

[Berner_Faith]

I think its hard for those who are not in the position that CCB and I are in, to realize what we as partners of those going through a divorce have to put up with.

I to am on this forum to gain advice for my partner, he is not handy with computers, not able to do the extent of research I do and to be honest I am the nerd of the relationship. One positive thing for me about being with someone going through a divorce, is I have learned a hell of a lot about family law and divorce. I personally enjoy learning and this is something I would never have researched as much as I have without being with him.

I adore his children and treat them like every other child in my life. Of course it drives me insane when his ex is doing something that has a negative impact on the kids. Do I have say anything to the ex? Not at all, but I do seek advice for him and even though I am the one that types on this forum, I show him the responses that are given.

Maybe I am one of a kind, because I don't hate his ex and there have been times when he has said...I am going to do/say this... and I have to be the voice of reason and tell him no he can't do/say that.

It has nothing to do with feeling important, but when I started with my partner, I knew he was a package deal. When he asks for help I am not about to say no. I understand a lot of of new partners get way too involved and may cause more issues than they do good... however saying that new partners want to feel important is painting us all the same.