"your child has ADD and needs tutoring" - "I don't care"

[roamingfree]

OMFG.
I really have had it with my ex.
We have been separated for 4 years now. Originally he paid $2300 in child and spousal support. Than he moved in with his new gf, with whom he was cheating on me, after that he stopped paying mortgage - which was included in the $2300. Than he started to pay $842 according to him based on the table for two kids. This September he said to me that he will pay me $500 and give the rest in a week or so. This week never came. Now I get $500 for child and spousal support with 2 kids. He lags on it to and often I get only $250. I have sent him agreements from my lawer to sign about custody and such. So far nothing is coming back. He even refuses to sign kids passports. He has not seen the kids since August for 5 days. He has seen them before that in June for 3 days. Prior to that was Xmas for about 5 days and before that again previous summer for a week. There is no calls, no cards for xmas or birthdays, nothing coming from him for them. One of the kids has been diagnosed with ADD and Auditory Sensory, and she really needs tutoring and occupational therapist. She is in grade 2, but on the level of grade 1. She is failing miserably. I had her in tutoring for 3 months and it was a world of help, but I can't afford it myself. He sent me one payment towards it for $160, which covered 1/2 of one months tuition. She desperately needs new eye glasses, but because her prescription is so high, they cost about $320-350. I just can't afford it myself. I can't feed and cloth and provide what she needs on $500 or sometimes $250 a month. I am not working now, I was a stay at home mom for 7 years. It was our mutual decision that I leave corpoarate administration. Now, the gab in skills is such that I doubt I get any employment like that. I don't have day care and can't afford it. I will not make that money to cover day care in Toronto for 2 kids. I just won't make enough to pay for it.
I will be going to court. My other daughter, 5 years, is supposed to have ADD as well. He knows all about this, I send him copies of report cards, pictures and whatever else. He never asks for any of it. He has 2 other kids from 2 previous marriages. When I met him 14 years ago, I only knew about his son, but never even knew he was married twice by the time he was 28, and that he also had a daughter. He does not pay anything for his other kids and does not keep in any contact with them. I know this, because his son's mother and I grew to be close friends. I keep a relationship with his son after being in his life for over 10 years and still talk, even though his mother and I talk more.
My ex quit his job 2 years ago that was bringing $100K, to buy a cafe restaurant in Sarnia where his new wife is from, they have 2 kids right now. He is doing very well and I'm struggling.
I just called him to ask if he is sending the papers back and that he needs to call the kids and that one of them needs tutoring and he just hang up on me. Like it doesn't matter.

I need to know what I can ask the court for in regards to my kids, I want to know if I can ask for extra for tutoring for a disabled child, end of year profits for the kids, them being included in his will, covered under insurance for dental and optical, etc, what about occupational therapist costs, and cost for gas to get to and from appointments. I really need help with this. My lawyer seems to be not very helpful as he hasn't even told me what I can ask the court for. I'm sure this is not a first case, so if anyone has any pointers I would really appreciate it. I am so emotionally and mentally drained by this man that I really don't even know what to do anymore.

[billm]

You sure know how to pick 'em!

What you can ask for will be dealt with in court. Pushing toward court seems your only option as he has a pattern of not supporting his kids.

Tutoring sounds reasonable, not sure what 'end of year profits' means, you can't force him to put the kids in the will, but life insurance is reasonable, pay his portion of medical is reasonable. Gas is probably not reasonable.

It seems your simple objective is to get a court order for support (why not get an emergency motion for interim support?), and then have that enforced through FRO.

You have to realize that he will continue to be a problem and you will probably never get proper financial support from him.

You have to realize that you need to take care of yourself, and this means getting a job. You say day care is too expensive, but both kids are in school I imagine. The longer you are out of the work force, the worse it will be for you. Its (past) time for you to get a job. You WERE a stay at home mom because the both of you made that decision, however, now you are making that decision alone, and it does not make sense - time to start your career again - you should have been doing this for the past four years.

[roamingfree]

I'm going back to school right now. However, with the pattern my kids get sick, I will be fired in two weeks. They can't go to school or day care when they are sick. the only day care they would have is the YMCA at their school. Only one of my kids is in full day school. The 5 year old is still in half days only. I don't have any family here or friends who would look after them when they are home sick. It's all simple on paper, but in reality single mothers hop from job to job when they do not have support system. I really don't. When my kids are 12 I can see having a career. I really don't see how this is even remotely possible right now. In any case, this is not some woe is me story. I have been importing goods from Europe for kids here and that was fine and was bringing in money while I had a 2 year old and a newborn. So, it's not that I'm not willing. I am not able to go about looking after clients when I have no one to look after my kids and no money to pay for it. Subsidized day care is a 2 year wait list minimum. My chances of obtaining stable employment are slim. I can find part time work, but that will be enough to pay for sitter. In any case, I'm on disability as well, so again my job outlook is not as rosy.
I need to know what I can provide for kids right now. I have my own sources coming to me from Europe, but it's not enough to give my child tutoring, eyeglasses, occupational therapist, piano lessons with specialized teacher that was helping her a lot too. I don't even want to think about what may be going on with my other child.
We never had any agreement when it comes to support. Only proof is bank deposits and emails. Will that be enough to seek the amounts at least for the emergency motion?
thank you.

[Rioe]

Take him to court ASAP. Start your application ASAP because that date is what will be used for arrears. There's nothing to agree on for child support because it's all set down by guidelines. He'll owe an amount based on his income. You can be prepared for him to downplay his income as he is self-employed, but you have the history of him paying to use to impute his income if necessary.

Make sure you also get extraordinary expenses covered from him, and that will be his contributions towards the specalized eyeglasses and the tutoring.

You should have done this YEARS ago.

And yes, you should also be supporting yourself as best you can. Get a retail job of some sort with shifts during school hours. Work harder on this importing business of yours, if you can. Then, when you are able to try to return to a career, your resume also won't be so empty, and you can have some current references.

Is it just me, or are there a lot of people asking the same questions they've asked before and expecting different answers today?

[roamingfree]

my younger child goes to school for 2.5 hours. there is no part time work for 1.5 hr.
i can't keep going with the imports - when he cut the support, I put all the money in paying for bills. I don't have money to start that again. I'm in a such a funk emotionally that I don't even know where to start.

[Berner_Faith]

You should be able to find a babysitter, rather than a daycare... private babysitters are often cheaper than daycare...

Here... City of Toronto babysitting classifieds, find babysitting in City of Toronto - Kijiji City of Toronto Free Classifieds

There is a list of babysitters in Toronto. I just scanned through a few of them and one is offering babysitting at $60 per week... that seems fairly reasonable to me.

[roamingfree]

there is no baby sitters in the Beach. if it's $60/week than I would be very wary of putting my kids there. sitters in the Beach are asking $10/hr cash. I think you need to really be actually looking for a sitter to understand what the actual pay is.

[roamingfree]

regardless, finding a sitter is not the issue I need help with. I need help with court and what I can do and what I can file. When I tell a father "you haven't talked to them since August" and he replies "I don't care" but managed to tell me that he just paid $2500 to Revenue last week, but does not have $150 for a kids glasses who is doing very poorly in school and needs every help available I see that as a problem.


so, please, everyone refrain from posting where and how to find a sitter. I think you dont realize that small kids get sick often, last week my youngest was at home all week, and this week both of them missed 2 days of school. Kids with fevers and runny yellow/green nose are not admitted to school. All my family is in Europe.
I feel like I need to explain myself why I don't work 9-5 why I don't have day care and why this is prolonging. I asked for help with court, not to solve my day to day issues.
Please do not judge a single mother where you fully do not understand full spectrum of all circumstances. Besides, I'm on disability and so working full time is totally out of the question for many reasons.

[roamingfree]

the issue here is a DEADBEAT father not a mother who pulls money for herself and manages to survive on a very tight budget.

I guess that is the prerogative of this system, that a single mother can only do poorly. If she has a little of her money that should be enough and a father who keeps lowering payments till there is nothing is off the hook, because there is nothing expected from him.

Nothing will change until people are held responsible for their kids.
I know I am.

So again, please cut out the "go to work" junk. You don't know the full circumstances.

gawd $60/week - do these kids even eat? do they even have homework done? will they go to tutoring?

[Pursuinghappiness]

I guess that is the prerogative of this system, that a single mother can only do poorly. If she has a little of her money that should be enough and a father who keeps lowering payments till there is nothing is off the hook, because there is nothing expected from him.

Roaming:

I don't think this is about gender at all. You married a bad guy who turned into a bad ex-husband. Join the club.

For every woman on here struggling to get cs out of a deadbeat dad...there's a guy who's paying a deadbeat mom for not meeting her parental obligations. There's too little penalty for lacking parental accountability after divorce.

I also don't think anyone is suggesting its easy. You have my sympathies...I know how tough it is and I don't have a child with special educational needs like you do.

I think the above posters were simply telling you that you need to do whatever you can to help yourself...which it sounds like you're doing...and that you IMMEDIATELY need to take this dingbat to court. If you're lawyer is clueless...then go get a new lawyer or self-represent because its pointless to pay someone money that you don't have when they're not helping you at all. Also, they're telling you to turn over every leaf to find alternatives to making more income and reducing expenses. Sometimes you have to think outside of the box. Its hard to do..its easier to say "i can't, I've tried..." but the point is keep trying to find alternatives. I had to cut back every expense I had. I lowered all my normal bills, reduced features on my cell phone, got cheaper TV, found cheaper ways to buy food, etc, etc, etc. You have to be creative. See if you have some skills that you can utilize to bring in income. For instance, if your area has a shortage of babysitters...why can't you supplement your income by babysitting yourself? Its not that hard to get your house approved for in-home care and could provide you with a little extra each week.

You can get through anything with the right focus and attitude. You just have to put aside the negativity...you already know that you married and divorced a dbag...get over it and concentrate on your kids...he's not going to help you and you're gonna have to do it yourself. Buck up...it sounds like you're halfway there already....you sound like a really good mom and you have a gift in a future with your children that he's throwing away like a fool. Trust that in time, you're going to reap the benefits of your efforts.

Best wishes.

[roamingfree]

thank you. I adjusted my expenses drastically. I don't know if it's even possible to do with less than I already manage and the kids still get everything they need, but it's getting to the point that it's either food or bills or tutoring or rent. Our bills are very narrowed down.
In any case, I may look into getting another lawyer. This one is not as aggressive as I need him to be. He is a deputpy judge, he was on board of children's lawyer, but I just don't see if he is really going out of his way to help. Seems like he is not really giving me pointers of what to do, but just goes about this thing with velvet gloves on.
I never even knew I could have an emergency motion until today and I have been with this lawyer since November.

thank you.

[hadenough]

Drag his ass into Court - commence an application. You won't be any worse off than you are now and I understand you are incredibly overwhelmed.

[May_May]

As others have said...get him to court ! He's a deadbeat father which is unacceptable.

Where is your family/friends ? If they are in another city/province perhaps you move to them. Given dad does not visit, I'm sure you would be able to. Then family/friends can help you.

[penniless]

Apply for child tax benefit. ADD should be covered under it. Its and extra $208 a month.

Be aware that any benefits you will get for a child will be deducted from your ex's section 7 expenses.

So any child tax benefits you get will be deducted dollar for dollar from his portion of section 7 expenses. Then the remainder is allocated between the 2 of you based on income.

It his highly unlikely you will get much for section 7 expenses from him.

[penniless]

I would also suggest you learn family law, a lawyer is not the way to go, you will hurt yourself even more.