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  • I think she is unstable... what's next?

    Last week my 7 year old (D1) was off for spring break here in Kelowna, so I took her to see her sister (D2) in Burnaby. D2 is now 14 months old.

    As I have mentioned before, I have access to D2 on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 4 hours each, based on a Consent Order that was entered on an Interim and Without Prejudice basis back on September 30, 2011. I have been trying to get this switched to the weekends, because of my work schedule, D1's mother's work schedule, D1's school schedule, and the fact that D2's mother isn't working right now but staying with her parents and collecting government assistance.

    In addition it was clear that the 4 hours would expand as baby moved to solid foods, and that we would need to discuss when overnights would start. Ex has refused to discuss.

    I let my lawyer go because I could not afford him. From October 5, 2011, he sent a letter to opposing counsel stating we had a verbal agreement to switch access times to the weekend. Ex denies the verbal agreement and has refused to discuss since.

    Statutory holidays are "special family time" according to the ex, meaning my 7 year old and me are second-class family – she refuses any access during these holidays.

    At one point in a rage with the baby in the car in late 2011 the ex threatened to have me killed. I got scared and didn't go back until I could consult in person with my lawyer. We discussed a contempt motion, which he didn't think would fly because she never actually denied me access on the Wednesdays and Thursdays I traveled there. But he did think we had a reasonable shot at getting the consent order varied, due to all of the circumstances I've just mentioned.

    In BC Supreme Court we have the right to depose her automatically. It is understood that circumstances change and it is clear she hasn't been reasonable. My lawyer conveyed this threat to opposing counsel and then all of a sudden the ex started to get more cooperative. She offered to come to Kelowna with the baby as long as I helped with expenses. She said we would start to talk about things like overnights depending on how these visits went.

    She even said she wanted to move to Kelowna but would need some financial help. Her brother just bought a business in Kelowna and is moving here with his wife and two small children. The ex and her brother/sister in law have frequent play dates with my daughter and her cousins and help each other with child care.

    Ex has flown to Kelowna twice now at my expense and stayed with us, without any problems. It is cheaper for me to buy her a plane ticket than it is to pay the gas, hotel and meals out for the round trip. Her coming here means the sisters can see each other.

    We had agreed in February that the ex would bring D2 to Kelowna at the end of March to attend D1's 7th birthday party. I bought a plane ticket.

    Ex asked me if I would watch the children so she could attend a business meeting with her brother and former male boss. I asked her why she didn't want to bring the baby and she said she would be going to a licensed drinking establishment for the meeting. I then suggested we hire a babysitter and attend together. She replied, "my brother and (former boss) hate your guts and do not want to see you, because of what you have done to me".

    So I replied that maybe she could stay with her brother, or with D1's mother (she has stayed with her before and I cleared it with her), or if she stayed with me maybe she could refrain from going out drinking during this short visit which is for the purpose of D1's birthday and for the two girls to spend some quality time with their father. She got very angry and called me all sorts of names. She said she would not allow D2 to attend her sister's birthday party unless I paid for a hotel room for her in addition to the plane tickets. I told her I could not afford that. I offered to drive 16 hours total for two round trips to pick up and drop off the baby, which she also refused. I pleaded with her to make some compromise, but she would not.

    D1 had two friends come down with the flu and 2 others have to go out of town on family matters, and she was really sad at the lack of people at her party, in particular her missing sister. This really made me angry but I kept it inside and only spoke to a close friend about it.

    I sent an email to ex's counsel, explaining I am now representing myself, how the ex had arbitrarily caused the sisters to be separated from each other and their father on another important family event day, and that I would be going for a variance on the order ASAP if they continued to refuse to discuss arrangements going forward. I didn't receive a response for several days, when my ex said that her lawyer received the email and would respond ASAP as she was in court on a trial all week long.

    The week after the birthday, last week, my D1 was off for spring break. So we drove to Burnaby to get our access time on Wednesday and Thursday. The ex had apparently spoken to her lawyer or felt guilty about the birthday party, because she offered in an email that we could have SEVEN hours on each of the Wednesday and Thursday, instead of the usual four. We of course took her up on the offer.

    We had a wonderful time on Wednesday. The baby is completely comfortable with her sister and me. She did not cry once the entire time. We spent several hours swimming, eating at the hotel restaurant, and playing in our hotel room. I suspect that she is no longer breastfeeding but the ex refuses to discuss that with me either.

    On Thursday I sent the ex a text and said I would like to take the baby with us back to Kelowna for a couple of days. I said she could travel with us if she wanted to. I asked her to give me a consent letter in an email. Big mistake! She went completely ballistic. She threatened to call the police. She accused me of trying to kidnap the baby. Her lawyer sent a threatening email to my former lawyer and me stating she would be going to court that afternoon on an emergency basis and requesting the immediate return of the child, a stripping of my access privileges, and police enforcement of the order.

    I immediately replied to this email and stated the following:

    - It is only 1:30PM; my access time doesn't end until 4PM
    - I stated exactly where we were – the park which is within walking distance from the ex's house. We had to check out of the hotel at 11AM and this is a great spot for kids, and a huge park, the only large one in the vicinity
    - I would not be one minute later than 4PM unless I have permission from the mother, and I did not intend to imply otherwise
    - Based on the threat of police involvement and not wanting to subject my children to seeing their father get arrested, I would agree to return the baby early, but only after she awoke from her nap that I had just put her down for. I asked that they remove the threat from over me and allow us to keep the baby until 4PM. I would only bring the baby back early under duress and protest.

    The baby was sleeping inside of the car in her car seat, while I stood outside the car to watch D1 play in the playground at a safe distance. Within ten minutes of sending that email, the ex stormed over to the park, tried to break into my car which was locked and begin to pound on the window next to the baby to wake her up. I told her I was calling the police and as I began to do so, she stormed off again.

    The baby awoke at 2PM so I informed the ex and her lawyer of this. She came storming back over and took the baby. She said I was going to be arrested if I did not hand the baby over. I handed the baby over and called the police. They asked me to come down to file a report. They said I would not have been forced to hand the baby over early, especially without a police enforcement clause in the order. In fact they said that without that clause they wouldn't force me to hand the baby over if I was late, unless they were convinced the baby was in immediate danger. They said the mother should not be trying to enter my locked car and take the baby who was in my custody, or making threats against me, and they took a report.

    They asked me what I would like to see happen. I said to have them go to her house and sit her down with her parents and tell them that there is a file and she is not to harass or threaten me like that during my access time or otherwise.

    Once I explained all of this in emails to ex's lawyer, ex's lawyer was very, very conciliatory, kind, and even apologetic. She said she was not aware I was representing myself and apologised for not reading those emails sooner. She asked me for my thoughts as to how we can resolve things peacefully going forward and what I thought should happen as far as custody and access now and into the future. She said she would revert to me after the long weekend, which is tomorrow.

    Yesterday the ex sent me a bunch of pictures of baby all dressed up and opening Easter presents. I am grateful for the pictures, and also very resentful that she seems to be getting the impression that her sister and father do not exist when it comes to "family" holidays. The ex has no concept of equality or that the child has a right to see ALL her family as much as possible. She goes from being conciliatory, to actively hostile and crazy, often within the same day! Please help, and thank you.

  • #2
    Originally posted by singledadoftwogirls View Post

    Ex asked me if I would watch the children so she could attend a business meeting with her brother and former male boss. I asked her why she didn't want to bring the baby and she said she would be going to a licensed drinking establishment for the meeting. I then suggested we hire a babysitter and attend together. She replied, "my brother and (former boss) hate your guts and do not want to see you, because of what you have done to me".

    Yesterday the ex sent me a bunch of pictures of baby all dressed up and opening Easter presents. I am grateful for the pictures, and also very resentful that she seems to be getting the impression that her sister and father do not exist when it comes to "family" holidays. The ex has no concept of equality or that the child has a right to see ALL her family as much as possible. She goes from being conciliatory, to actively hostile and crazy, often within the same day! Please help, and thank you.
    why did you ask if she could take the baby to a business meeting, then when she told you why suggest a babysitter so you could go with her???? If you truly want to spend more time with your daughter, the last thing on your mind should be leaving her with a sitter when she is in your town.

    You ex is being unreasonable but you are not so perfect either based on the fact you say you want to see your daughter but then want to pawn her off on a babysitter so you can go out with her mother.

    Comment


    • #3
      I have to agree with Standing... if this is a business function for the mother, why should you attend? What was wrong with you spending time with both your children? You and ex are not together anymore, why would you attend a function together...who cares if she is out drinking, the baby would be home safe with you.

      Comment


      • #4
        It turns out it wasn't a business function. It was to be at night after the children were already asleep. I didn't think she should be staying at me and my daughters home, at my expense, and going out drinking with people who "hate me". I suggested the babysitter to try to suss out what she was really up to.

        The point is that when I ascertained her plans I asked her if she would stay somewhere else besides the home with me and my daughter. She has gotten drunk and violent in the past when she used to live with us. I just don't think she should be going out drinking on a short trip that I am paying for, unless she could stay at a different home than mine while she does it.

        Criticism aside, I posted this to see about access and my court case. Does anyone have CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, or just judgment?

        Comment


        • #5
          Who cares what it was? She's unemployed on govt assistance (you said) so how would it be a business function? This is constructive: you sound controlling "at my house" "that I paid for" (re: trip) etc etc.

          Quite frankly it's weird that you would suggest going with her and it is irrelevant that the ppl she was meeting/drinking with "hate you."

          The purpose of the trip was to have D1 and D2 spend time together, and with you - was it not? Giving the ex a script and practically a curfew of where she should and shouldn't go, and with whom b/c you paid for the trip is ridiculous.

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          • #6
            I don't know man. She has lots of options where she can stay when she is in my town. I don't know why you think she has to stay at my place if she wants to go out drinking. I lost my security deposit in my last place because of her getting drunk and kicking doors down. Don't I have a right to say what goes on in my home? You call it "controlling", I say it's common sense. I offered to pay for her plane ticket, watch the children, whatever she wanted... I just said she shouldn't go out drinking AND stay at mine and my daughter's place.

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            • #7
              Then it's simple: when she's in "YOUR town" - tell her it's best if she stays at her "other options" or rent her a room @Motel 6 for $59 a night. Surely that would be money better spent if she has trashed your place before. You also said the babysitter suggestion was to "suss out" what she was "really up to."

              Sounds like head games to me. Again: purpose for the trip is so that you and the girls can spend some time together. Ex should stay somewhere else - and do whatever it is she does on her time (off).

              There's a lot of "my, my, mine" going on in your posts. You need to chill out - and NO she should not be staying at your place - according to you - you've both threatened the other w/calling the police, she's allegedly made a death threat etc - how Brilliant - that she would stay at your place (?!)
              Last edited by hadenough; 04-10-2012, 09:41 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Ok... I think we are getting somewhere now. I suggested that she stay at our mutual friend D1's mother's place. I called D1's mother and asked if she could stay there. She said "absolutely". It would have been $300 for 3 nights in a hotel, minimum. She could also stay at her brother's home since he just moved here. I simply said, "can you stay elsewhere, or not go out drinking when you are here?" She called me a loser and a deadbeat because I wouldn't pay for her hotel. She said if I wouldn't pay for a hotel then the baby wouldn't be allowed to attend her sister's party.

                Maybe I am too controlling. Maybe the judge will tell me that a $300 plane ticket isn't good enough. If I want to see the two sisters together I am also forced to pay for hotel rooms so that the ex can party. I hope someone out there can see I am being reasonable and doing whatever I can afford to get the girls together.

                The main point of this post however is how she went nuts and called the police on me the following week, which I think stems from my "controlling" and not enabling her to go out partying when she came to Kelowna. It is my belief that the baby is now old enough for overnights with her sister and me. And a proper holiday access schedule. I'm not really asking about how to control the ex's drinking or party habits.

                EDIT: I wanted to suss out what she was really up to, because she had just stayed with us twice in a row without any problems. However, in the past, when she's gone out drinking, it's turned out very badly. It's not head games, it's trying to protect my two girls, my wallet and my rental apartment, not to mention my own sanity.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by hadenough View Post
                  There's a lot of "my, my, mine" going on in your posts. You need to chill out - and NO she should not be staying at your place - according to you - you've both threatened the other w/calling the police, she's allegedly made a death threat etc - how Brilliant - that she would stay at your place (?!)
                  Ok, so I am stupid for trying to find an arrangement that wouldn't break the bank and allow the girls to spend some time together without the mother going out and getting drunk. Silly me.

                  Now what? Are you done slamming me yet, or are you going to help me with how I should proceed in my court case?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You're responsible for making arrangements for the children, not your ex. Make all the arrangements you need to for the child and let your ex take care of her own accomodations. I have no idea why you're even flying the ex out there, much less paying for it. Why wouldn't YOU hop on a plane, pick up the child and fly home with her? Leave the ex out of it altogether.

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                    • #11
                      You said she has lots of options on where to stay - including her brother's place - he's just moved there. Problem solved. She stays at one of her options - but not with you, given the rocky background (past and present).

                      "Breaking the bank" is a non-issue if the above takes place but still a far better/wiser option than having her stay with you.

                      If you're looking for a medal for flying her out there - you're not likely to get one. But it does serve the point that you are that willing to get the girls together.

                      Where you are going to lose any position you might have - is with the put downs and judgments/criticisms you make on the mother. Whether true or not, in the absence of a D.U.I. or charges of drunk and disorderly - you will accomplish but one thing: sounding like an ass. So if you choose to see my remarks as "slamming" - that's your choice. What you really need to do is remove your blinders - the Courts don't care about your emotions or what you think your ex should or shouldn't do, after you've flown her out there. Stick to the plan - increased access (overnights etc) and demonstrating that you are an involved, loving parent. Best interests of the child. Not the Moral Police for the mother.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Blink: apparently mom can't afford to pay for travel and the access, thus far is quite limited and largely controlled by the mother. So he pays to fly her out to where he is - and then apparently has far too much interest in how (and with whom) she spends her time with, while there. Given their history, it is ludicrous that she would stay at his house at all. That's where he feels that he has a right to govern what she does. But she shouldn't be there in the first place - so there ought not to be any issue.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                          You're responsible for making arrangements for the children, not your ex. Make all the arrangements you need to for the child and let your ex take care of her own accomodations. I have no idea why you're even flying the ex out there, much less paying for it. Why wouldn't YOU hop on a plane, pick up the child and fly home with her? Leave the ex out of it altogether.
                          Maybe I am not being clear enough. It's hard to know how much detail to include or leave out. I DID suggest taking the baby on my own at my expense and the ex went nuts and said I would be arrested if I tried that. I'm just trying to make sense of it all and get some good advice here. Enough with the criticisms, please. I will do whatever it takes to ensure maximum contact for the two girls with each other and their father.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by hadenough View Post
                            You said she has lots of options on where to stay - including her brother's place - he's just moved there. Problem solved. She stays at one of her options - but not with you, given the rocky background (past and present).
                            I am not sure if you are misreading what I am posting, or what. I offered her every possible option and she REFUSED. She simply would not allow the girls to attend the birthday party together unless I a) paid for a hotel for her, which I cannot afford, or b) allowed her to stay with me and my daughter, and said ok to her going out and drinking and partying while she did so. I can't fathom how setting house rules when I live with a 7 year old and had a bad experience in the past is "controlling".

                            "Breaking the bank" is a non-issue if the above takes place but still a far better/wiser option than having her stay with you.
                            I agree with you! I think you're trying to argue with me when no argument exists. I offered to help her make other sleeping arrangements. I offered to pick up and drop off the baby myself. I told her she could stay with us if she agreed to not go out drinking. I offered to buy her a plane ticket for $290. I called our mutual friend and asked if she could stay with her. I don't know what else I am supposed to do.

                            If you're looking for a medal for flying her out there - you're not likely to get one. But it does serve the point that you are that willing to get the girls together.

                            Where you are going to lose any position you might have - is with the put downs and judgments/criticisms you make on the mother. Whether true or not, in the absence of a D.U.I. or charges of drunk and disorderly - you will accomplish but one thing: sounding like an ass. So if you choose to see my remarks as "slamming" - that's your choice. What you really need to do is remove your blinders - the Courts don't care about your emotions or what you think your ex should or shouldn't do, after you've flown her out there. Stick to the plan - increased access (overnights etc) and demonstrating that you are an involved, loving parent. Best interests of the child. Not the Moral Police for the mother.
                            I didn't know you were a judge in this case. I don't see how I am putting down the mother. I don't care what she does as long as it's not in the house where I live with my 7 year old daughter –*then I have every reason and right to care what goes on. I told her I didn't mind if she went out but that I would kindly try to help her find alternate sleeping arrangements other than staying with us.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              There would have to be grounds for her to have you arrested, accessing your parenting time is not.

                              Stop 'suggesting' things and letting her dictate when/where/how you'll see your kid. Let her know you intend to access your parenting time, you will arrive at X location to pick up the child and will return the child to X location at the pre-arranged time. Should she deny access, document it - every single time. If/when you can show a pattern of this behaviour you'll use this to file for a change of custody/access.

                              Comment

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