Last week my 7 year old (D1) was off for spring break here in Kelowna, so I took her to see her sister (D2) in Burnaby. D2 is now 14 months old.
As I have mentioned before, I have access to D2 on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 4 hours each, based on a Consent Order that was entered on an Interim and Without Prejudice basis back on September 30, 2011. I have been trying to get this switched to the weekends, because of my work schedule, D1's mother's work schedule, D1's school schedule, and the fact that D2's mother isn't working right now but staying with her parents and collecting government assistance.
In addition it was clear that the 4 hours would expand as baby moved to solid foods, and that we would need to discuss when overnights would start. Ex has refused to discuss.
I let my lawyer go because I could not afford him. From October 5, 2011, he sent a letter to opposing counsel stating we had a verbal agreement to switch access times to the weekend. Ex denies the verbal agreement and has refused to discuss since.
Statutory holidays are "special family time" according to the ex, meaning my 7 year old and me are second-class family – she refuses any access during these holidays.
At one point in a rage with the baby in the car in late 2011 the ex threatened to have me killed. I got scared and didn't go back until I could consult in person with my lawyer. We discussed a contempt motion, which he didn't think would fly because she never actually denied me access on the Wednesdays and Thursdays I traveled there. But he did think we had a reasonable shot at getting the consent order varied, due to all of the circumstances I've just mentioned.
In BC Supreme Court we have the right to depose her automatically. It is understood that circumstances change and it is clear she hasn't been reasonable. My lawyer conveyed this threat to opposing counsel and then all of a sudden the ex started to get more cooperative. She offered to come to Kelowna with the baby as long as I helped with expenses. She said we would start to talk about things like overnights depending on how these visits went.
She even said she wanted to move to Kelowna but would need some financial help. Her brother just bought a business in Kelowna and is moving here with his wife and two small children. The ex and her brother/sister in law have frequent play dates with my daughter and her cousins and help each other with child care.
Ex has flown to Kelowna twice now at my expense and stayed with us, without any problems. It is cheaper for me to buy her a plane ticket than it is to pay the gas, hotel and meals out for the round trip. Her coming here means the sisters can see each other.
We had agreed in February that the ex would bring D2 to Kelowna at the end of March to attend D1's 7th birthday party. I bought a plane ticket.
Ex asked me if I would watch the children so she could attend a business meeting with her brother and former male boss. I asked her why she didn't want to bring the baby and she said she would be going to a licensed drinking establishment for the meeting. I then suggested we hire a babysitter and attend together. She replied, "my brother and (former boss) hate your guts and do not want to see you, because of what you have done to me".
So I replied that maybe she could stay with her brother, or with D1's mother (she has stayed with her before and I cleared it with her), or if she stayed with me maybe she could refrain from going out drinking during this short visit which is for the purpose of D1's birthday and for the two girls to spend some quality time with their father. She got very angry and called me all sorts of names. She said she would not allow D2 to attend her sister's birthday party unless I paid for a hotel room for her in addition to the plane tickets. I told her I could not afford that. I offered to drive 16 hours total for two round trips to pick up and drop off the baby, which she also refused. I pleaded with her to make some compromise, but she would not.
D1 had two friends come down with the flu and 2 others have to go out of town on family matters, and she was really sad at the lack of people at her party, in particular her missing sister. This really made me angry but I kept it inside and only spoke to a close friend about it.
I sent an email to ex's counsel, explaining I am now representing myself, how the ex had arbitrarily caused the sisters to be separated from each other and their father on another important family event day, and that I would be going for a variance on the order ASAP if they continued to refuse to discuss arrangements going forward. I didn't receive a response for several days, when my ex said that her lawyer received the email and would respond ASAP as she was in court on a trial all week long.
The week after the birthday, last week, my D1 was off for spring break. So we drove to Burnaby to get our access time on Wednesday and Thursday. The ex had apparently spoken to her lawyer or felt guilty about the birthday party, because she offered in an email that we could have SEVEN hours on each of the Wednesday and Thursday, instead of the usual four. We of course took her up on the offer.
We had a wonderful time on Wednesday. The baby is completely comfortable with her sister and me. She did not cry once the entire time. We spent several hours swimming, eating at the hotel restaurant, and playing in our hotel room. I suspect that she is no longer breastfeeding but the ex refuses to discuss that with me either.
On Thursday I sent the ex a text and said I would like to take the baby with us back to Kelowna for a couple of days. I said she could travel with us if she wanted to. I asked her to give me a consent letter in an email. Big mistake! She went completely ballistic. She threatened to call the police. She accused me of trying to kidnap the baby. Her lawyer sent a threatening email to my former lawyer and me stating she would be going to court that afternoon on an emergency basis and requesting the immediate return of the child, a stripping of my access privileges, and police enforcement of the order.
I immediately replied to this email and stated the following:
- It is only 1:30PM; my access time doesn't end until 4PM
- I stated exactly where we were – the park which is within walking distance from the ex's house. We had to check out of the hotel at 11AM and this is a great spot for kids, and a huge park, the only large one in the vicinity
- I would not be one minute later than 4PM unless I have permission from the mother, and I did not intend to imply otherwise
- Based on the threat of police involvement and not wanting to subject my children to seeing their father get arrested, I would agree to return the baby early, but only after she awoke from her nap that I had just put her down for. I asked that they remove the threat from over me and allow us to keep the baby until 4PM. I would only bring the baby back early under duress and protest.
The baby was sleeping inside of the car in her car seat, while I stood outside the car to watch D1 play in the playground at a safe distance. Within ten minutes of sending that email, the ex stormed over to the park, tried to break into my car which was locked and begin to pound on the window next to the baby to wake her up. I told her I was calling the police and as I began to do so, she stormed off again.
The baby awoke at 2PM so I informed the ex and her lawyer of this. She came storming back over and took the baby. She said I was going to be arrested if I did not hand the baby over. I handed the baby over and called the police. They asked me to come down to file a report. They said I would not have been forced to hand the baby over early, especially without a police enforcement clause in the order. In fact they said that without that clause they wouldn't force me to hand the baby over if I was late, unless they were convinced the baby was in immediate danger. They said the mother should not be trying to enter my locked car and take the baby who was in my custody, or making threats against me, and they took a report.
They asked me what I would like to see happen. I said to have them go to her house and sit her down with her parents and tell them that there is a file and she is not to harass or threaten me like that during my access time or otherwise.
Once I explained all of this in emails to ex's lawyer, ex's lawyer was very, very conciliatory, kind, and even apologetic. She said she was not aware I was representing myself and apologised for not reading those emails sooner. She asked me for my thoughts as to how we can resolve things peacefully going forward and what I thought should happen as far as custody and access now and into the future. She said she would revert to me after the long weekend, which is tomorrow.
Yesterday the ex sent me a bunch of pictures of baby all dressed up and opening Easter presents. I am grateful for the pictures, and also very resentful that she seems to be getting the impression that her sister and father do not exist when it comes to "family" holidays. The ex has no concept of equality or that the child has a right to see ALL her family as much as possible. She goes from being conciliatory, to actively hostile and crazy, often within the same day! Please help, and thank you.
As I have mentioned before, I have access to D2 on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 4 hours each, based on a Consent Order that was entered on an Interim and Without Prejudice basis back on September 30, 2011. I have been trying to get this switched to the weekends, because of my work schedule, D1's mother's work schedule, D1's school schedule, and the fact that D2's mother isn't working right now but staying with her parents and collecting government assistance.
In addition it was clear that the 4 hours would expand as baby moved to solid foods, and that we would need to discuss when overnights would start. Ex has refused to discuss.
I let my lawyer go because I could not afford him. From October 5, 2011, he sent a letter to opposing counsel stating we had a verbal agreement to switch access times to the weekend. Ex denies the verbal agreement and has refused to discuss since.
Statutory holidays are "special family time" according to the ex, meaning my 7 year old and me are second-class family – she refuses any access during these holidays.
At one point in a rage with the baby in the car in late 2011 the ex threatened to have me killed. I got scared and didn't go back until I could consult in person with my lawyer. We discussed a contempt motion, which he didn't think would fly because she never actually denied me access on the Wednesdays and Thursdays I traveled there. But he did think we had a reasonable shot at getting the consent order varied, due to all of the circumstances I've just mentioned.
In BC Supreme Court we have the right to depose her automatically. It is understood that circumstances change and it is clear she hasn't been reasonable. My lawyer conveyed this threat to opposing counsel and then all of a sudden the ex started to get more cooperative. She offered to come to Kelowna with the baby as long as I helped with expenses. She said we would start to talk about things like overnights depending on how these visits went.
She even said she wanted to move to Kelowna but would need some financial help. Her brother just bought a business in Kelowna and is moving here with his wife and two small children. The ex and her brother/sister in law have frequent play dates with my daughter and her cousins and help each other with child care.
Ex has flown to Kelowna twice now at my expense and stayed with us, without any problems. It is cheaper for me to buy her a plane ticket than it is to pay the gas, hotel and meals out for the round trip. Her coming here means the sisters can see each other.
We had agreed in February that the ex would bring D2 to Kelowna at the end of March to attend D1's 7th birthday party. I bought a plane ticket.
Ex asked me if I would watch the children so she could attend a business meeting with her brother and former male boss. I asked her why she didn't want to bring the baby and she said she would be going to a licensed drinking establishment for the meeting. I then suggested we hire a babysitter and attend together. She replied, "my brother and (former boss) hate your guts and do not want to see you, because of what you have done to me".
So I replied that maybe she could stay with her brother, or with D1's mother (she has stayed with her before and I cleared it with her), or if she stayed with me maybe she could refrain from going out drinking during this short visit which is for the purpose of D1's birthday and for the two girls to spend some quality time with their father. She got very angry and called me all sorts of names. She said she would not allow D2 to attend her sister's birthday party unless I paid for a hotel room for her in addition to the plane tickets. I told her I could not afford that. I offered to drive 16 hours total for two round trips to pick up and drop off the baby, which she also refused. I pleaded with her to make some compromise, but she would not.
D1 had two friends come down with the flu and 2 others have to go out of town on family matters, and she was really sad at the lack of people at her party, in particular her missing sister. This really made me angry but I kept it inside and only spoke to a close friend about it.
I sent an email to ex's counsel, explaining I am now representing myself, how the ex had arbitrarily caused the sisters to be separated from each other and their father on another important family event day, and that I would be going for a variance on the order ASAP if they continued to refuse to discuss arrangements going forward. I didn't receive a response for several days, when my ex said that her lawyer received the email and would respond ASAP as she was in court on a trial all week long.
The week after the birthday, last week, my D1 was off for spring break. So we drove to Burnaby to get our access time on Wednesday and Thursday. The ex had apparently spoken to her lawyer or felt guilty about the birthday party, because she offered in an email that we could have SEVEN hours on each of the Wednesday and Thursday, instead of the usual four. We of course took her up on the offer.
We had a wonderful time on Wednesday. The baby is completely comfortable with her sister and me. She did not cry once the entire time. We spent several hours swimming, eating at the hotel restaurant, and playing in our hotel room. I suspect that she is no longer breastfeeding but the ex refuses to discuss that with me either.
On Thursday I sent the ex a text and said I would like to take the baby with us back to Kelowna for a couple of days. I said she could travel with us if she wanted to. I asked her to give me a consent letter in an email. Big mistake! She went completely ballistic. She threatened to call the police. She accused me of trying to kidnap the baby. Her lawyer sent a threatening email to my former lawyer and me stating she would be going to court that afternoon on an emergency basis and requesting the immediate return of the child, a stripping of my access privileges, and police enforcement of the order.
I immediately replied to this email and stated the following:
- It is only 1:30PM; my access time doesn't end until 4PM
- I stated exactly where we were – the park which is within walking distance from the ex's house. We had to check out of the hotel at 11AM and this is a great spot for kids, and a huge park, the only large one in the vicinity
- I would not be one minute later than 4PM unless I have permission from the mother, and I did not intend to imply otherwise
- Based on the threat of police involvement and not wanting to subject my children to seeing their father get arrested, I would agree to return the baby early, but only after she awoke from her nap that I had just put her down for. I asked that they remove the threat from over me and allow us to keep the baby until 4PM. I would only bring the baby back early under duress and protest.
The baby was sleeping inside of the car in her car seat, while I stood outside the car to watch D1 play in the playground at a safe distance. Within ten minutes of sending that email, the ex stormed over to the park, tried to break into my car which was locked and begin to pound on the window next to the baby to wake her up. I told her I was calling the police and as I began to do so, she stormed off again.
The baby awoke at 2PM so I informed the ex and her lawyer of this. She came storming back over and took the baby. She said I was going to be arrested if I did not hand the baby over. I handed the baby over and called the police. They asked me to come down to file a report. They said I would not have been forced to hand the baby over early, especially without a police enforcement clause in the order. In fact they said that without that clause they wouldn't force me to hand the baby over if I was late, unless they were convinced the baby was in immediate danger. They said the mother should not be trying to enter my locked car and take the baby who was in my custody, or making threats against me, and they took a report.
They asked me what I would like to see happen. I said to have them go to her house and sit her down with her parents and tell them that there is a file and she is not to harass or threaten me like that during my access time or otherwise.
Once I explained all of this in emails to ex's lawyer, ex's lawyer was very, very conciliatory, kind, and even apologetic. She said she was not aware I was representing myself and apologised for not reading those emails sooner. She asked me for my thoughts as to how we can resolve things peacefully going forward and what I thought should happen as far as custody and access now and into the future. She said she would revert to me after the long weekend, which is tomorrow.
Yesterday the ex sent me a bunch of pictures of baby all dressed up and opening Easter presents. I am grateful for the pictures, and also very resentful that she seems to be getting the impression that her sister and father do not exist when it comes to "family" holidays. The ex has no concept of equality or that the child has a right to see ALL her family as much as possible. She goes from being conciliatory, to actively hostile and crazy, often within the same day! Please help, and thank you.
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