Control Issue during Visitation

[court]

Today is Easter. My ex has our 5 year old daughter. He knew I had Easter plans (dinner/egg hunt) with her this afternoon. I asked him to meet me at 2pm so that I may have her back in time for our family egg hunt and early family dinner. He is being difficult and saying "NO, I will meet you at 6pm, I have made dinner plans with her". We live an hour away from one another so by the time I get her home she will have missed all of the Easter festivities we had planned. I know she will be upset about this, especially since he doesn't celebrate Easter at all with her.

My question is this. I have Sole Custody. My order states No Access, it is up to me to decide access. We agree to let them visit every two weeks for the entire weekend. However holidays she and I like her to spend with me because it is a huge ordeal at my home where he does nothing special at all.
This is important for a 5 year old no? It's not as though I have many of these "believing" years left.

He is trying to piss me off by controlling the situation regardless of the fact that it is my little one that suffers. He is being totally selfish.

What are my rights? Can I order him to give her back to me because I have a custody order? I'm a little pissed right now!

[May_May]

What does your custody order say ? can you call the police-is it enforceable ?
Can you ask him to bring her and tell him he can stay for the egg hunt as well if he wants, and dinner ?

[Mess]

No it's not appropriate for you to do that.

A custody order doesn't mean that a child ceases to have 2 parents. His relationship with her is equally as important as yours is.

Exerting that much control over access is nice for you. It doesn't help your daughter and it hurts her relationship with her father.

Their relationship is her right, not your right to choose.

One parent should not have so much control, and I find it absurd that there is a NO ACCESS order in place for him? How the hell did you justify that? When you are perfectly fine with them having unsupervised overnights, so obviously there are no abuse concerns. Whatever judge signed that order should be barred from family court.

Meanwhile if you care about your child you should come up with an access system that is not arbitrary, doesn't rely on you to make all the decisions, and allows your child to have confidence and security about the time she spends with both of her parents.

[standing on the sidelines]

hmm at 5 the child will remember the easter when mom called the cops on dad. Do you really want the child to have that memory of easter????

[court]

I agree, it doesn't mean she doesn't have two parents, and I am very conscientious about that. I do my best to ensure they have as much time together as possible, but he cancels his weekends at the last second 90% of the time. It's ridiculous!
I think the reason that Access was left up to me was because he didn't show up for anything in Court. He didn't show up for the access or custody hearing, he didn't respond to any papers, didn't show up for his MIP and now a year later I'm still chasing and chasing him to get Child Support but he won't provide his income.

Is it unheard of to get an order with No Access stated? I didn't know that. I have been self representing and am still learning as I go along.

I am not trying to control their relationship or ruin their weekend. Last year I sent her to him on Christmas and he didn't put a tree up or anything. It was a sad day for her. Same thing the Easter before, nothing. I try to make these little things special in our home and he knew what I had planned but is going to end up ruining her day because he wants to attempt to ruin mine.

It's sad! How does one work with another parent who's interests are not for the best of the child? I'm bloody trying.

Ugh

[court]

I never said I was going to call the cops! I love her more than I dislike him. I'm not an asshole. If anything i'm too reasonable.

[Rioe]

So stop sending her to him on holiday weekends. If he's not going to do anything special for the holiday with her, his visits may as well occur on normal weekends.

You can't do anything about this Easter, but plan it better in advance for future holidays.

If you really want to try something today, offer him an extra weekend later to make up for him bringing her back in time for your family stuff this weekend. His response will be telling about his motivation.

[court]

I would love to stop sending her on holiday weekends, but I have poured over trial transcripts where Sole Custody parents have lost rights due to little things like holding a kid back, which to me would seem like a perfectly justified reason, but to the justice system seems whack.
I don't want to do anything that will hurt the amazing gift I have been given of Sole Custody and Access control because if he decides to get a lawyer then I can not afford to get one in return and I'd likely get raped in court because I don't know the ins and outs of the law.

Offering him a weekend extra would be pointless, he doesn't even want her for his own weekends as it is. The poor kid. Thankfully she has a super loving step-dad.

I have decided to let it go and just accept her back for 6pm and then remember this for next year. Thanks for the advice everyone, as harsh as it sometimes may be .

[May_May]

Invite him over for the egg hunt, and dinner. A lot of us have at some point, had to do a compromise as this for the kids...
Then you can worry about it before the next holiday, and ensure the split is equal and times are clear.

[Tayken]

I would love to stop sending her on holiday weekends, but I have poured over trial transcripts where Sole Custody parents have lost rights due to little things like holding a kid back, which to me would seem like a perfectly justified reason, but to the justice system seems whack.

Dear Court:

Please read this paragraph over and over again until it sinks in why the courts do this to "sole custodial parents". Read your original post and the responses from senior members of this board. (i.e. Mess)

Unless there is a threat and/or risk of emotional and/or physical harm to your child you as the "custodial parent" have been given a responsibility to make decisions for your child. If alienating your child from the other parent is your objective the COURT will change the situation. Your court order probably states "liberal access".

I highly recommend that you really investigate what "liberal access" means *today* in the eyes of most justices. The burden of proof should the other parent seek a "change in circumstance" lies on you to demonstrate "liberal access". If your affidavit in response (testimony) to the court matches anything like you have stated in this thread you will find yourself in the same situation the other "sole custodial" parents you talk about.

I don't want to do anything that will hurt the amazing gift I have been given of Sole Custody and Access control because if he decides to get a lawyer then I can not afford to get one in return and I'd likely get raped in court because I don't know the ins and outs of the law.

Sole custody is not a "gift". It is a responsibility and should you choose to not respect that "responsibility" the court will make sure the "gift" is correctly adjusted to your child's "best interests".

Offering him a weekend extra would be pointless, he doesn't even want her for his own weekends as it is. The poor kid. Thankfully she has a super loving step-dad.

As the other parent is not present to defend themselves against this allegation and the high-conflict statements generally made by high-conflict parents in your own thread... I hope that you are not using your "gift" as a weapon against the other parent.

I have decided to let it go and just accept her back for 6pm and then remember this for next year. Thanks for the advice everyone, as harsh as it sometimes may be .

This paragraph is just too demonstrative of the conflict you are having with the other parent and the source of the conflict is even more evident.

You have nothing positive to say about the other parent or your child's relationship with that parent. In the eyes of your child, the other parent makes up HALF your child. This is just common knowledge that any professional with any experience would tell you. If you continually try to take half the child away, restrict the other parent, one day you may have to answer to the most important person as to why... Your child.

I hope you have a better answer than this thread and the opinions expressed in it.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[NBDad]

Did you iterate the schedule to him BEFORE you let her go? Or did you wait until after the fact?

Here's the thing...it's virtually unheard of for a NON abusive situation to have an order like yours. NO ACCESS or access totally being the decision of one parent is typically reserved for cases of extreme danger or abuse.

So...go forward here is what I suggest:

1. As has been mentioned, come up with a fair access schedule. EOW + 1 night through the week on the off week. Make the pick up/drop of times clear cut and include a clause that if he doesn't arrive within 30 mins of the time indicated and doesn't provide notice he is running late, he's considered a no show and loses the time. Make sure the holidays are defined and that they take priority over the normal access schedule.

2. STOP relying on him to do the transportation. By the sounds of it he's doing it both ways? HE picks up to begin his parenting time, YOU pick up to end it. End of issue.

3. Until you can get item 1 addressed, make sure that the times you are giving him are CLEARLY communicated to him in advance. If you want her back by 2pm, make sure that's communicated to him in advance, and that he responds to it. If he doesn't respond, she doesn't go. (I didn't hear back from you, so I assumed you weren't interested, sorry but we have plans now)

As long as you are making reasonable efforts to work with him (and can PROVE IT..hence EMAIL him in advance..don't rely on phone calls) then you should be ok with the court system. It's in cases where the Custodial parent is arbitrarily denying access and being unreasonable that they get punished.

Make sure he has sufficient notice (3-5 days) of what you are offering, to give him time to respond and to work out the little details. (ie. 2pm drop off vs. 6pm)

4. How many times have you been pushing for his income? You should look into IMPUTING his income based on what you know he should be able to make. (Check various job search sites to see what is available in your area for his job, that should give you a rough idea.) If it's too high, then the onus is on him to disclose his true income. If it's not high enough, well who cares...you would finally be able to get SOMETHING out of him at least through maintenance enforcement.

5. Finally..you can't fix stupid. You can't FORCE someone to co parent with you. Stop trying. You trusted this guy enough to spread your legs and let crazy stick it's dick into you and have a kid with it at some point. Sorry if that's a little blunt, but the point is that you trusted him enough at some point to bind yourself to him for the next 18 years or so.

If he doesn't do the holiday things, so what? It just means YOU have to make that much extra effort. (Hell, last year MY home did Easter a week early, because it fell on my ex's weekend) I don't know how much she actually does with them on the holidays, nor do I care. They aren't in any danger,and at least they get to see her/spend time with her. Which is way more than they were getting before.

[Tayken]

5. Finally..you can't fix stupid. You can't FORCE someone to co parent with you. Stop trying. You trusted this guy enough to spread your legs and let crazy stick it's dick into you and have a kid with it at some point. Sorry if that's a little blunt, but the point is that you trusted him enough at some point to bind yourself to him for the next 18 years or so.

NBDad poses a difficult question that many parents are posed with before the court. Judges do ask this question often to litigants but, in a much different manner. The one thing that is "true" on the "balance of probabilities" is that the person you are describing is more than likely someone you chose to be with and a child resulted in that.

Before going to court many people don't realize that their choice to have children with the person they are now involved in a lawsuit with before the court is laid to bear before the judge/mediator/evaluators/general public.

If someone asked you "why" you had the child with the person you are now involved in a lawsuit with... What would be your answer? Stating it as a "mistake" between two consenting adults is not a great answer.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[CCB]

Let him enjoy this Easter with his daughter since you enjoy most of the time with her in general.

Next year, make sure that you establish well in advance the Easter schedule, and plan your Easter activities for when your daughter will be with you for sure.

Get an access schedule in place so this doesn't happen in the future. If he's getting access, get something in writing or this will happen over and over again.

[scarycheri]

As a loving parent I see that you are trying to shield your daughter from disappointment however this is impossible since you can't control Dad and his actions. Your daughter has the right and needs to be able to get to know her Dad, faults and all, on her own. What your daughter and her Dad needs to know is that you support their relationship 100%. Dad isn't going to hold the same values and morals as you but there isn't a whole lot you can do about that.

To avoid not spending any holidays with your daughter make a schedule that specifies if he has easter with her in even numbered years you have her in odd. She is not going to be scarred for life because she didn't have an easter egg hunt every year. My daughter was 6 when I split from her Dad. She is 13 now. Her father and his family don't hold the same importance on holidays as my family does. I can assure you she has spent many an easter at her Dad's with no easter bunny (and was told he doesn't exist) but has come home to one waiting for her when she was returned at the regular time agreed upon.

As for his last minute changes to schedules one of the con's of being a sole custodial parent is having to deal with such things. You have full custody, as do I, and in having that comes with perks and the inconveniences at times. I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting for my ex to pick up my daughter only to have him call and say he can't make it 3 hrs after he was supposed to be at my home. I have even gotten a phone call on a Saturday night from him informing me that he made plans that don't include her and he is bringing her home. I have had to cancel my plans due to his inconsiderate behaviour. It is a small price to pay for having the privledge of sole custody.

My daughter has grown to understand that this is her Dad. She talks to me about it and I tell her how sorry I am about it. She knows I can't do anything about it and that is just the way her Dad is. Will it affect their relationship down the road?....probably. Can I do anything about it?...No. All I can do is be there for her. Comfort her when she is upset & do my best to be the consistent parent she needs.

I think what you're daughter needs to grow up knowing is that you have always supported her relationship with her Dad & that she has a solid one with you. Easter hunts and christmas fun are nice memories but lots of kids go without these things & still grow up to be wonderful loving kids because of the love & support they received from the adults in their lives. Hopefully Dad intends to be one of those people for your daughter

[hadenough]

NBDad: thanks for the graphic imagery that resulted in a brief, albeit nasty flashback, for me

I'm glad no one actually posed the question (as per Tayken's comment) b/c I'm not entirely sure how I would have best answered it. I strongly recall feeling a sense of shame/embarrassment over what truly is, the "airing out" of one's relationship in Court.

This was intensified by the fact that one incredulous lie after another spilled out of the ex's mouth, to the point that I almost wanted to put my hand over my face. I am intelligent, and present as such so to see him answering questions - and appearing like he was developmentally delayed was hard to watch. A few times it did occur to me that I must look like a total ditz for having been in a relationship with him. Temporary Insanity???

He's no genius - but he was putting on his best "lost/bewildered" face and he perfects this look and body language every time we've been in Court. Mind you: this can turn on a dime, and has - to reveal anger/defiance.

I have a Transcript of an examination under oath he did awhile back (in another matter) and the sheer stupidity of his answers is shocking. So I hope no one ever asks me why I had a child w/him because then it will be me fumbling around for a suitable answer.