Amending a Statement of Claim Before Trial

[AdTheDad]

I no longer think Shared Custody/Joint Custody will work.

Does anyone have thoughts about experiences:

- Ameneding their Statement of Claim for Divorce to ask for sole custody
OR - Going into trial as the Plaintiff and requesting sole custody from the start despite the earlier Statement of Claim.

[Berner_Faith]

If you have already agreed to shared custody, you better have REALLY good reasons to back it up...this includes concrete proof, not just words from your mouth...

It's going to be hard to get sole custody unless you can prove the other parent is unfit.

[hadenough]

I would love to hear from people who have managed to get a variance to their Custody Order. Joint Custody is what I have and it's total bullsh*t. My ex and I don't talk at all, ever - just how exactly are we joint-parenting?

Soooo.. Unfit - this means ex would have to be a raging alcoholic, drug addict, extensive criminal past? "Joint Parenting" is intended for parties who are capable of getting along insofar as the children are concerned. I'm pretty sure you need a variance to any existing order - it's not something you can pull out of your hat when you're before the Court on a separate matter. In the Court's view - the Custody issue has been "settled."

[Berner_Faith]

You have shared custody..doesn't mean you co-parent. Shared custody means you have the children 60-40 or 40-60

Joint parenting means you co-parent, you make decisions and rules and they are the same at both houses...your situation is dealing with access (or at least the way you worded your post) just because you and your ex don't speak, doesn't mean they are unfit for equal access and you should have sole custody.

There are many ex partners who do not speak but are still in a 50-50 or shared custody agreement...its best for the child to have a solid relationship with BOTH parents and this should be done by spending equal time with BOTH parents... your reasoning of "we don't talk ever" is not going to be a good enough reason for you to get sole custody...why can't your ex have sole custody for this same reason?

[hadenough]

I am acutely aware of the various definitions. And I wouldn't have asked if anyone had managed to change their orders if I believed that not talking was a reason. My ex is a douche quite frankly. Among other things. He sees our son EOW, when something "better" doesn't come up, short pays CS, every month, and is no prize dad I can assure you. So what he has is every 2nd wknd. He's supposed to pick him up one day of each week afterschool. Til 8pm. Guess what? It NEVER happens. He does not live in the area, does not know my son's friends, has never met his teachers, has NO clue at all about anything. Quite simply - because he doesn't give a crap. Oh, and in the 2 weeks that go by between visits, he does not text/call or email my son. Not so much as a "hi, how are you?" In fact, on occasion my son will msg him and either does not get a reply or gets a brief one. IE: son; "hey dad, how are you?" Dad: "good" or "k". Yes he really is fabulous. My son has remarked that our CAT communicates better. Out of the mouths of babes.

Yeah.. I'd like to see him get sole custody. It would never happen..

[hadenough]

PS: I don't have a problem w/the access. I'd like sole custody with same access as we have now. What I don't want, is to have to beg for his signature on ie: a passport renewal, or get a note witnessed by a lawyer (that I'd have to pay for) just to go to Buffalo for the day. THAT, I do not like. We don't talk. I won't ever talk to him. But as for access? No, I have no issue w/that. THAT will settle itself out eventually. IE: when my son is 15 or 16 I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of times that he won't want to go to "dad's" - its up to him. Listen to the Song "cats in the cradle" by Cat Stevens. The lyrics sum it up fairly well.

[Berner_Faith]

You can't get upset when you don't provide details...look at what the first few posts of your stated... the simple fact that you think that lack or your two communication is going to be grounds enough to change custody is what my opinions were based on... even so...to change decision making....you still need proof that he is unwilling to work with you...again...not just the fact that "We don't talk. I won't ever talk to him." that is all about YOU not about the children...careful how you word things if you ar ethinking about bringing this to court, if you use words like "win" or "We don't talk. I won't ever talk to him" that shows that YOU are being unreasonable. Let him dig his own hole, but without proof you may end up paying his legal costs

[hadenough]

Au contraire. I'm not upset at all. And if I wasn't totally clear - my apologies. Oh he's already dug the hole. And its getting deeper and deeper by the day. His own doing. And HE is paying my costs. Infact, if they aren't paid within the time he was given by the Judge - he will basically not be able to bring anything before the courts. In fact, he will be in Contempt of Court. I haven't read all of your posts but from what I gather, you are 21 is it?, very smart and if I'm not mistaken your partner is involved w/ the courts and has kids. Perhaps he (and you) are dealing w/an unreasonable, disgruntled ex (I'm speculating) - and I imagine that's not easy. But what you likely do not have real life experience of your own with, is having an ex (with whom you have children) who really is a sorry excuse for a parent. I do hope you never know the stress of that - but if some day you should - you will gain a much broader view of things. I do hope your partner's issues w/the courts and his ex are resolved fairly. There are some great dads out there. However, there are some woefully inadequate ones as well. Hey, that's what keeps the lawyers in business and the Family Courts busting at the seams. Unreasonable people, some of whom purposefully and willfully lie, waste time and make their ex's lives as difficult as possible.

[hadenough]

I KNOW that "not talking" is not grounds. If it was, I would have had sole custody long ago. And nobody "wins" in court. It's an awful thing to go through. Years of bs and trial. Definitely not healthy. I would have liked nothing more, than to have avoided all of it. But that was never an option. Good news is - the court part is over. Just waiting for FRO to jump in, and life goes on. And the entire nightmare has put 10 years on me.

All that aside, it would be interesting to hear from people who have had a custody order varied - and how that came about.

[Berner_Faith]

You are correct in the fact that I am only 21 and often I am not taken seriously at my age... however, even though I do not have the life experiences, I have spent countless hours on Canlii and other sites reading and reading, I have also enrolled in a paralegal course, dealing with family law to further educate myself.

My bf's ex is not the easiest to deal with, however, she seems to be more about money than anything else..she would gladly allow him to have the children whenever he could, and often we have them on her weekends, which is great for us because we get more time with them.

I am not saying your ex was a perfect parent, nor do I think he is from your posts, but it was the way you started off your post saying you wanted sole custody because you don't want to speak to him. There are a lot of people that post on this forum that basically want sole custody, want the ex to pay SS and CS and want to limit the amount of time the ex gets to spend with the children because they can't stand the ex, but its the children that suffer (not saying this is your situation at all, but with such little information and the emotions portrayed, it seemed in spite of the ex, rather than the best interest of the children)

10 years is a long time and enough to make anyone refuse to talk to their ex... but like I have stated, get all your documentation in place before bringing this to court...being in court before you would know how evidence is key to change per-existing orders...

Best of luck with FRO... have not heard good things about them at all...

I hope for your children's sake that their dad stands up and becomes a dad...he will be the one regretting it down the road...

[hadenough]

Thank you. But it's not going to happen. You are very bright, articulate and I do believe you will be a terrific paralegal. In my case, FRO is my only hope for getting what has been court-ordered. He has put me in a lot of debt. And that was before we went to Court. Also, he is remarried (Thank God) and has 2 children under the age of 2. He renovates his home, buys new cars, eats well, lives well - all while short paying CS. He also owes SS and has not paid a dime. So I look forward to FRO stepping in. The alternative (dealing w/him) is far worse. The best part is: I'm fairly certain he's going to tell FRO to go screw themselves. Yep. This will get pretty interesting. I have 2 male friends that have sole custody, and I know sooo many good dads. Married and Single. But my ex? He's hopeless and he really does deserve to have whatever can be thrown at him, thrown AT him.

Best of Luck with your studies. Your posts are always very intelligent and I enjoy reading them.

[lorlaman]

If you have an order for CS and SS, then bring a contempt motion to court against him. The longer you wait it out, the easier it is for him to prove you can manage without SS. You are digging your own hole.

Each bitter parent blames the other for their parenting skills or lack of. Be a mom to your son, not just a mother, you can't get the court to order a good relationship with his dad. Eventually and sadly, your son will make his own conclusions when he is old enough and sees through his dad's behavior. Don't, at all costs, extend your views of dad on your son and don't mention the non contact as you describe it and don't try to be a better parent so your son can take sides. You need to be a good parent to nurture your relationship with your son, not as an attack at his dad. If dad has more kids as you state, your son may see the difference in his relationship with his other kids compared to your son. Let your son decide the value of their relationship, based on his own opinion and experience, not yours. Your opinion on dad is already too bitter to positively help your son.

[hadenough]

My son is not on this blog so I should be safe. Son is 13. Definitely intuitive. I don't need to say a word so I'm not sure why you jumped on that particular bandwagon. There's access and I don't stand in the way of any of that. Too Right - son will see for himself/decide on his own. That's another great thing about "access" - I am all for it. As for contempt motion - it doesn't work that way - it had to go to FRO. I had trial. Court sends order to FRO. And I wait. I can feel however I want about someone I spent 11 years with. You see bitter? Well try to "see" and "hear" that I'm grateful EVERY day that I got away from him. Anyway, this post was re: sole custody. I'm pretty sure you're not a relationship expert or a psychologist so really - why decide how my son is affected by my "bitterness." Hello. FYI: my son is great/happy/sweet and you don't know me. This has gone way off topic. Adios

[hadenough]

Sorry for that last comment. In general terms I agree w/much of what you said. I don't try to get my son to feel as I do. He can/will make up his own mind. I have a very good, strong relationship with my son - I'm very fortunate.

[lorlaman]

He has put me in a lot of debt. And that was before we went to Court. Also, he is remarried (Thank God) and has 2 children under the age of 2. He renovates his home, buys new cars, eats well, lives well - all while short paying CS. He also owes SS and has not paid a dime. So I look forward to FRO stepping in. The alternative (dealing w/him) is far worse. The best part is: I'm fairly certain he's going to tell FRO to go screw themselves. Yep. This will get pretty interesting. I have 2 male friends that have sole custody, and I know sooo many good dads. Married and Single. But my ex? He's hopeless and he really does deserve to have whatever can be thrown at him, thrown AT him.

Sorry, I should look up the meaning of 'bitter' before I answer foolishly.
Have a good night.