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  • Spouse has thrown in the towel.

    Well, this morning my wife said she want to talk about us ... she basically said that her feeling have not changed since last November 2005 and that we should sit and talk about moving forward with seperation/divorce.

    I have tried my best in the past months to be a different person and to avoid things that robbed our relationship of love and do things that would build it back up .... seems I was not doing the right thing or that there just was not enough time for the seeds I was planting to bear fruit.

    I embraced her gently and said I was sorry that I had tried everything in my being to save us ... she said "I know you've tried".

    I feel like a piece of me and history is about to be lost.

    I guess I'm in a mild form of shock, but I am trying to remain optimistic as this is my nature ... funny eh, alot of people would be in a state of panic/shock, however, a big part of me is in a state of calm ... thanks to looking upto Him.

    Question is, where do I go from here? There are so many decisions to make. She seems to feel we can iron out the seperation agreement ourselves and that she has a draft written up by a lawyer, I'll look it over and have a lawyer go over it ...

    So many questions about what to DO ... DecentDads article that points to how outdated famliy law is and that it is more advantageous to give one spouse soul custody is nagging at me. Another part says, to heck with it, 50/50 and we'll make the finanaces work somehow.

    I could sure use some help from friends on this forum ... it's a sad day for me and I'm struggling to keep the tears at bay.

    Peace and blessings to you all.

    Hubby

  • #2
    Oh hubby, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.This is really sad.

    You sound like you have a great attitude.

    You might not be with her but it sounds like you really tried and that has to help ease your mind.

    You mentioned keeping the tears at bay- don't worry about being strong at a time like this. - Go ahead and cry- you have every right. You need to grieve this loss.

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    • #3
      Hubby....A big warm hug goes to you. I am so sorry....but now you know what direction to go --Forward, and you can do that with your head held high and knowing in your heart you have tried everything possible in your power to make things work. I read all your posts and you constantly have unending words of wisdom and inspiration and comfort to offer to us. I hope you will accept it back, because its there for you. It's a tough road ahead, but you have a very strong faith, and that will comfort and guide you. As for keeping the tears at bay, let them go hon, feel what you're feeling and ride those emotions out. That's not a bad thing. Keep talking to all of us. We're there for you.

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      • #4
        I feel for you Hubby. This truly is a sad day for you and your family. I hope your separation goes smoothly and amicably. One thing you can always say in the future when you look back is that you tried your hardest to make this work out. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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        • #5
          Jenny, Amber and Grace ... thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated at this time in my life or what may be left of it.

          I just pray all will work out.

          Hubby

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          • #6
            My heart goes out to you Hubby...I don't know what to say.
            You are a very good person and you did all the right things..you are a hero in my books. Allow yourself to go through the process of greiving,it is an unbelievable rollercoaster of emotions and I doubt you will avoid it.. you being only human(and one of the best kind).
            You will be in my prayers.

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            • #7
              6 Emotional Stages of Divorce

              Denial. Pretending the divorce never happened or downplaying its importance. While “denial” sounds bad, it’s much like physical shock after an accident: The body shuts down until it can better deal with the pain. At this stage, you may need individual counseling with a minister or a professional counselor. Counseling can help you come to terms with the pain step-by-step as the initial shock of the divorce wears off.

              Anger. Perceived or real injustice about the divorce; it can either be a controlled burn or out-of-control rage. Once you’re past the initial pain, being angry about your situation or at others involved is normal. It may even be justified (was the ex-spouse abusive or did he or she cheat?). That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s any less destructive. You need to control your anger and channel it toward healing. Maybe it’s time to train for a marathon or paint the house! If you can’t find a healthy outlet for your anger, seek counseling.

              Bargaining. Desperately trying anything to gain back the spouse (jealousy, a makeover, promises to never do something again, a vacation together, etc.). At this stage, you might benefit from a support group. Check out local churches to find one near you. People who have “been there, done that” can remind you in a supportive way that it’s probably too late for quick fixes at this point. They’ll help you realize that bargaining will likely set you up for a fall when a reconciliation doesn’t work out (and the group will be there to catch you if you do fall or to help you put the pieces together after the landing).

              Depression. An empty emotional tank; commonly displays itself in physical ways (sleep disturbances, changed eating patterns, irritability, exhaustion, etc.). Again, it’s a normal part of divorce to grieve the loss of your marriage. At this stage, you might want to find an accountability partner — of the same gender — who will listen. You’re looking for someone who won’t say, “Snap out of it!” but who’ll encourage, “Just get through this day or this week, and I’ll be here for you.” This might be an established friend or it might be someone new you meet through your support group.

              Acceptance. Recognizing the past is past; it’s time to live in the present, and perhaps get ready to step forward into the future. This step occurs like a “light bulb” moment. It’s an internal realization not easily brought about by outside influences. Yet a support group might help if you feel stuck in a previous stage and can’t accept what’s happened.

              Forgiveness. Releasing animosity toward the ex-spouse and establishing new relationships with healthy patterns and effective boundaries. For this final stage, a support group can be invaluable. Again, the “been there, done that” characteristic of a group can help you make sure the new relationship with your ex-spouse is a healthy one, grounded in the present (not trying to put the relationship back together) and aiming toward the future. This is the deep-cleaning stage, and a group can lift you up if you have feelings of emptiness (a resignation that the divorce is final) or renewed anger (if your ex-spouse doesn’t accept your apologies).
              Copyright © 2002 Brad Lewis.

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              • #8
                Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression are what I went throught in the first two months, back in Nov 2005 - acceptance was this morning and I'll say it here and now "I forgive her".

                Wow - that wasn't too bad! Whew, glad I'm over the grievance period!


                Hubby

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                • #9
                  Hubby,
                  You are clearly a man of great character and grace. I have been thinking about you today and my only advice to you is to continue to live your life with such dignity and truth. When I hear of the sacrifices you have made, it makes me want to be a better man. Thank you for sharing your life with us as I'm certain it will affect each of us in a different way.
                  You are in my thoughts.
                  GDGM

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                  • #10
                    I too have been worried about Hubby all day. And I only know him from this forum. Funny how we can get so attached to our forum friends. Hubby we all here for you. True, GDGM that he is a man of character and grace. Hey wait, what about "Hubby & Grace". Hubby I'll wait for you

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                    • #11
                      ha! you made me laugh for the first time is two days! thanks for that! i think that i may even have a bit of an appetite as a result of it! ha!

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                      • #12
                        Sometimes a little humour gets us through our day. Hubby & I go way back as far as posting. I still remember his disco days. (he'll know what I'm talking about) I'll let you know if it doesnt work out. Then it could be "GDGM & Grace".

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                        • #13
                          I'm so sorry, hubby. I know it's a terrible time for you, but I also know I don't have to tell you, God has a plan for you, and this is part of it. Rely on your faith, rely on your friends, and rely on us... Big hugs to you, and I'll remember you in my prayers tonight. Take care.

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                          • #14
                            I want to thank all my friends and spiritual brothers and sisters (cuase that is what we are -- even if we have forgotten) for their kinds words ... it reminds one of the beauty and love that still and always exists around us through our friends and family.

                            When Grace mentioned my disco days, she clearly reminds me that life is full of color and not necessarily the grey that one can experience as a result of divorce.

                            One day, just one day, we will all meet back in our true homes in heaven and look down and laugh ... I just know we will. The talk about great character and grace is something we all have ... and I can prove it once we're back up there -- in a place we can truly call home.

                            While others look at seperation/divorce with despair, I have choosen to look at it as a MAJOR turning point in life, a beginnng and to take from this desparing situation and learn from it and meet another beautiful soul and grow old and happy -- together.

                            When all is said and done, and with my dying breath, to look up and thank Him for the greatest opportunity to have come down here to learn and grow in Love.

                            Well Lord, I'm ready to start a new chapter in Life ... you have taught me Love -- something that has eluded me, up until now. Now, I am ready to learn the valuable lesson of Surrender.

                            Love you ALL ... and a MIGHTY blessing to you ALL.

                            Hubby

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                            • #15
                              wow - Hubby, that is the nicest, bravest and most encouraging piece of wisdom I have read (and there's a lot of encouraging words on this forum!). I'm sitting here in tears right now, after reading your last post, but they are tears of relief, and tears of happiness from knowing that what you say is true and the pain we feel is temporary. I hope I can learn to surrender, too...

                              Comment

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