Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-02-2011, 11:07 AM
Havok Havok is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8
Havok is on a distinguished road
Default Getting screwed!!

I have a rather large dilemma...

Firstly some background.

My son is 4 1/2 and I fought his mother in court shortly after he was born... 3 weeks after to be exact. I took her to court and shortly after he turned 1, we had an agreement put into place where we would have shared custody which increased over time until it reached 50-50.

Main Issue.

The pinnacle of 50-50 was reached at the very beginning of this year (2011). I was overjoyed when this happened. However... the last week of March she notified me she was going off Ontario works (wellfare) because her and her live in BF are getting married and she is no longer able to stay on the system because of their incomes merging. A day or 2 later she called me up and told me that she would be picking up our son after he was off school at 12pm on my week. (he does half days) She claimed that she was entitled to this because I work a job that is 11-6/8pm (she does not work at all) and while I am at work he is in the care of his grandmother (my mother). She claims that if he is not with me 100% of the time then she should be with her indefinetly and not my mother... That I should come and pick him up and drop him off every day. (I have done all the driving for the last 3 years...). I feel trapped in a hole. I try to make a living and provide for my son the best I can and I am penalized for it. I feel like I can't progress in my life and would have to work a part time job all my life... (I work full-time right now).

Feeling extremely threatened by this I altered my work schedule and reduced my financial income in the process but allowing me to drop him off and pick him up from school thus thwarting her plans.

She has been calling me every day while I am at work to discuss important issues... I am not really allowed to talk on my phone at work so I don't answer and call her after I am off shift. Our conversations have been degrading over the past week and I am afraid she is going to do something drastic and try to cut me out of our son's life again.

I am at a point where I am considering mediation, she is very very very demanding and I am not a very aggressive person so I have a hard time getting my points across. Do you think this would be a smart course of action? Also I was wondering what sort of costs are associated with mediation.

Thanks for the responses.
  #2  
Old 04-02-2011, 11:45 AM
Gary M's Avatar
Gary M Gary M is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Kanata
Posts: 703
Gary M is on a distinguished road
Default

I suggest that mediation would indeed be a great course of action.

I will tell you that your "I'm getting screwed" outlook isn't going to help you. What you need to be concerned with is what's happening to your son. Why *should* he be with your Mom if he's better off with his own Mom during the day? Why do you care where he is while you're at work, unless your Mom is a better caretaker than his own?

My own personal opinion is that leaving a child in someone else's care (whether a family member or a professional) vice in a parent's care simply because it's "your time" is reprehensible.

Go into mediation with the attitude that you are there to determine how your son's rights are best met, and not your own. But, yeah, definitely try mediation as a 1st step. When you "fight in court" there are no winners, only losers, except for the lawyers.

Cheers!

Gary
  #3  
Old 04-02-2011, 02:03 PM
Mess Mess is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

Gary I have to strongly call you out on "reprehensible."

Achieving a 50/50 ratio is a huge battle for many fathers. If Havok, who knows his ex better than you or I, feels threatened by his ex's demand to have the child then he has his reasons.

The best situation for a child is no conflict between the parents. Not 50/50, not EOW, not any particular schedule, but a situation where the parents can trust each other and work together.

Giving in to his ex does not resolve the conflict, otherwise fathers (and some mothers) might as well just hand over custody and surrender as of the date of separation.

I agree that he should offer mediation, but mediation will only be effective if there is something to actually mediate and the two parties are willing to negotiate.

The 50/50 situation is ALREADY A COMPROMISE. If this is a situation where the mother wants to back out of that compromise, there is nothing to be mediated. What needs to happen is that the current 50/50 status needs to be reaffirmed and each party needs to feel secure and unthreatened. Counselling, yes. Mediation maybe.

In a joint custody situation each parent is responsible for day to day decision making when the child is with them. In this case the father is responsible for securing appropriate childcare, which he has done.

The mother does not have the option of making arbitrary demands on the father's time, or helping herself to the child while the father is at work without his approval. This is what she is demanding.

Her approach is threatening to him and he has every reason to be distrustful. If the mother feels the child's interests would be better served by not spending the time with the grandparents, the she should ask, not order. Her behaviour here is aggressive and Havok would not be helping his children by reacting with passive acceptance. That does not reduce conflict, what it does is enable her aggressive behaviour and encourage it in the future.
  #4  
Old 04-02-2011, 02:18 PM
Havok Havok is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8
Havok is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks for the response Gary. I agree that my threat head may have come across that way.

With regards to weather he is better off with her is a no contest. She lives in a small 2 bedroom apartment with her live in boyfriend and 2 other children (+my son (both other children are from different fathers)). She has no income other than child support and her share of the child tax benefit paid each month. Furthermorehear more often then not that his dinners with her consist of mac n' cheese and boiled hot dogs.

-Insert: She smokes in her home around her children. I am a smoker myself but I take it outside and wash up after I have one.

One stressful matter is that she has expressed to me that she has no desire to work and/or look for it. I have read some stuff on the ministry of justice website stating that it is the responsibility of both parents to provide for the child. It seems to me that she just wants to sit back and collect from the gouvernment in my eyes.

I recently moved back in with my parents to attend post secondary education. They live in a 500k+ home where my son has his own bedroom. Both of my parents are non-smokers and there is always plenty to eat at the dinner table.

Mediation may be our only course at this point. Everything was all fine up until she came off Ontario works and lost that income source. I simply believe she is trying to irk more money out of me by increasing the amount of time that he is with her and then come back at me and say she is entitled to more money because of the increase in time. This would not fall under our son's best interests.

Last edited by Havok; 04-02-2011 at 02:31 PM. Reason: addition
  #5  
Old 04-02-2011, 02:39 PM
Havok Havok is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8
Havok is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks Mess! That was soooo very helpful. You hit the nail right on the head with the situation and how I am feeling at the moment.

[/Quote]In a joint custody situation each parent is responsible for day to day decision making when the child is with them. In this case the father is responsible for securing appropriate childcare, which he has done.[/Quote]

I have told her that he is cared for very well while I work. I even pay his grandmother (my mother) compensation, monthly, for her time and effort. If she takes him out for lunch/dinner/movie, anything like that I pay her back for that as well. So I assume she would fall under the category of babysitter/daycare attendant.

Both myself and my family have been nothing but nice and accommodating to her these past years. Nothing to warrant this kind of animosity. As I stated in my response to Gary I believe that if I give in she will turn around and gouge me for more money on the basis of having him for more time during the month.

I don't see why we can't just get along like we did before. Everything was going so well... Just goes to show that money is the root of all evil
  #6  
Old 04-02-2011, 11:02 PM
Havok Havok is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8
Havok is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by iceberg View Post
But you already have 50/50 situation and you shouldnt worry too much. What could be questioanable here is how much of quality time you spend with the child. I mean if you work from 11-7, you cant really take him anywhere after 8 or before 10 am. Changing work schedule like 8/9-4/5 would be nice .
I have recently changed my work schedule to 6-11pm only. Thus being able to spend the whole day with him... minus the time he is at school. When I notified her of this she turned around and told me to drop him off before I went to work just to sleep at her house because I would be gone for 1 hour of him being awake. (He goes to sleep at 7pm) This would also mean that I would not be able to drop him off at school in the morning. Something that I have fun doing. I flat out refused and she seemed to be taken aback and couldn't give me a reason other than that I was going to be going to work. I think that she knew how unreasonable she was being.

Furthermore it just solidifies my belief that she does not have our son's best interests in mind... seeing as how she wants me to put him in a car and drive for 15~20 mins to get to her house when he is so close to bedtime. It sounded to me that she was thrown off-guard and tried to say anything at me to swing the conversation in her favor.

Thanks for your response Iceberg. I'd like to hear what u think further.
  #7  
Old 04-03-2011, 01:21 PM
Havok Havok is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8
Havok is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks for the response Iceberg.

She already tried to file for full-custody during the first year of his life after she denied me access flat out for no reason. She lost and had to share custody of our son with me as I mentioned in the initial posting. I don't think that she would be fool-hearty enough to try again but you never know. Better to be prepared . Although I think that the judge would likely do the same thing again. Which would be scoffing at her and telling her to be realistic.

I dropped my son off to her today (Sunday) and I pick him up next Sunday. When I dropped her off she mentioned something else distressing. She claims that since she is getting married and changing her last name to her soon-to-be spouce's last name that shs "has the legal right to change our son's legal last name to (newmarried name-mylast name)" and remove her maiden name from our son's full name. I was wondering if she is correct in this claim. I am not supportive of this seeing as how her future husband is not related to our son in any way besides marriage.

I said how about (my lastname-newmarried name) and she claims that "it has to be in alphabetical order no matter what". My last name begins with W and her new name would start with H. Clarity on that matter would also be appreciated.


Thanks in advance for the replies. All the people here have been extremely helpful and you all have my thanks and appreciation.

Last edited by Havok; 04-03-2011 at 01:24 PM. Reason: typos and addition
  #8  
Old 04-03-2011, 01:24 PM
Mess Mess is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

Neither of you can change the child's name without the other's consent, if you have joint custody. It simply stays as is.

Stop discussing things with her, period. She is trying to pick a fight. Limit conversations to email. Tell her that you can't talk now, you don't want to discuss (legitimate) issues verbally because you'll forget, just send an email.

When you get a collection of crazy emails, print them out and be ready to attach them to an affidavit the next time she tries a crazy motion order.
  #9  
Old 04-03-2011, 03:20 PM
Gary M's Avatar
Gary M Gary M is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Kanata
Posts: 703
Gary M is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
The best situation for a child is no conflict between the parents. Not 50/50, not EOW, not any particular schedule, but a situation where the parents can trust each other and work together.
Extremely well-put, my friend.

Cheers!

Gary
  #10  
Old 04-03-2011, 05:06 PM
Havok Havok is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8
Havok is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Neither of you can change the child's name without the other's consent, if you have joint custody. It simply stays as is.

Stop discussing things with her, period. She is trying to pick a fight. Limit conversations to email. Tell her that you can't talk now, you don't want to discuss (legitimate) issues verbally because you'll forget, just send an email.

When you get a collection of crazy emails, print them out and be ready to attach them to an affidavit the next time she tries a crazy motion order.
I would love to collect emails from her, unfortunately due to her financial situation she does not have a computer to speak of let alone internet.

We are going down to the court house tomorrow to speak with a lawyer. Apparently you can get a free session to discuss proper legal form.

From what I take from your first paragrah it is NOT her "legal right" to change our son's name/surnames without my concent. Even if her previous surname is no longer her legal surname. Is that correct?

If that is correct I look forward to the lawyer's puzzled look and response to her.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Am I getting screwed here? LivingTheDream Divorce & Family Law 3 03-11-2010 08:48 AM
Am I getting screwed here? LivingTheDream Divorce & Family Law 12 02-23-2010 07:18 PM
Is the court system really this screwed up? newone Financial Issues 6 04-16-2009 08:16 PM
lawyer screwed me wile coyote Divorce & Family Law 4 10-15-2006 02:27 PM
Men get 'screwed' typically? hubby Divorce & Family Law 25 12-14-2005 12:44 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:28 AM.