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Old 11-08-2010, 08:43 PM
fcnalya fcnalya is offline
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Thumbs up Sheepish Hello, Hi, Glad to Be Here

Hi all,

I have been lurking this forum for a couple of months. I think I have posted the odd post but have mostly remained silent.

I'm a separated Mom of 3 boys, the oldest and youngest live with me and the middle one lives with Dad. (Its a drag but its the way that things have panned out).

I left last December and tried to work our separation/divorce out through a Collaborative effort. Unfortunately, my ex thought that this meant he wouldn't have to pay any CS or SS and by July my lawyer and I were exhausted with trying to get any info from him (financial statements etc) or come to an agreement with regards to support. Everything else had been worked out prior to me leaving.

From December to April, I received no support and did not aggressively pursue any as I was extremely shaken and emotionally lost during this time. My ex told me every time we spoke on the phone that he had "spoken to a big Toronto lawyer and he said that support wasn't a guarantee" and that he was going to take away all three of our children. This was part of my emotional upset as I was still susceptible to his emotional abuse. I look back now that I have been shielded so long from it and I see how tormented I had been by this man for so so so many years.

In March I finally got my act together and had my lawyer start proceeding forward with getting the last of the stuff done. My ex was then forced to retain his own lawyer who suggested he start paying me some sort of support. In May I started receiving regular payments every two weeks, though, they still did not come close to meeting minimum child support guidelines.

In the meantime, my ex fired his lawyer and I quote "I think she's a dyke" Me: what??! Ex: Yeah, I bet she is one of those man haters and she just wants me to pay. Me: But, she is a good lawyer I have heard. Ex: Yeah, well she wasn't going to help me so why would I pay her to lose for me?

Sorry...I segued.

ANYWAY - he retained a new lawyer who is so overbooked he doesn't return any faxes or emails sent to him from my lawyer in regards to finalizing the last of the details.

In July, my lawyer finally decided to file things via court, with the hopes that my ex would get his act together and resolve the last issue. This coincides with my ex meeting a 23 year old girl with a 2 year old - she moved in within a week and still resides there. My oldest son (16) moved out the first night that she stayed over and has been with me since and has only just in the last 2 weeks started to speak to his father again.

After she moved in, things gradually got worse and worse in regards to communication between my ex and I. Prior, we were able to converse regarding children and even a little about mutual acquaintances and our jobs.
By August, I was unable to call the house to speak to my son. The ringers were off and I literally went 3 weeks without being able to contact or see my son. My lawyers faxes to his lawyer went unanswered. My son finally got a cell phone at the end of August and that solved that.

In September, my ex stopped paying support altogether, without warning, without explanation. The same day he stopped paying support he also changed his Blackberry email address and phone number. He told mutual acquaintances that he had to because I was "harassing" him. I guess I was in a way in August when I would call a number with the ringer turned off to speak to my son and no one would answer, forcing me to contact my ex via Blackberry who would ignore my emails. It was frustrating and I cried so much those three weeks of obviously purposely not being allowed to speak to my own son. Faxes sent to his lawyer asking for details as to when support would be received, went unanswered.

Finally, we received word that my ex had agreed to a 4 Way meeting to resolve the last of the issues instead of going to court. During the 2 hour meeting we discussed visitation, a way to communicate (I was allowed to email his address and have contact with my son once per night via the home line and that he would turn the ringer back on to allow this). We then discussed but came to no agreement in regards to support. The meeting ended with the promise to continue at another 4 way, my ex would pay me my child support payment due that day and him stating he would file bankruptcy if he had to pay the numbers that Divorcemate comes up with.

I received no child support that day or night but heard from a mutual friend that the ex was at the casino with his friend. The next morning I received a mere $300 payment.

My ex makes a substantial amount and works with a job that required we move often (we have moved 4 times in 7 years). 7 years ago, when we made the first move, I left behind a promising career with a company that I had been working with for 10 years (biggest mistake ever). I allowed his career to be the family focus and took odd and menial jobs in the areas we moved to (crossing guard, movie store associate etc) due to the fact that we wouldn't be staying long and the scarcity of employment in the areas we were.

In the last 2 months alone, my husbands take home pay has been over $10,500 (net, not gross). I have seen $800 dollars. ($500 he gave me two weeks before the 4 way because I begged him for it + $300 after the 4 way).

Needless to say, another 4 way was never scheduled as my ex has not followed anything agreed upon at the previous and his lawyer has never gotten back to us. This leads us to December 14, our first case conference.

I'm counting down the days.

Sorry I rambled...I have been having weird night, first time in a long time that I have felt upset by everything. Surprisingly, I have been okay through the last 2 months...mostly with an incredulous feeling like...WTF is he possibly thinking....then remembering this is why I have a lawyer. The financial strain has been enormous, especially when, stupidly, I purchased a used car after I started receiving "support payments" and based my payment schedule on the fact that I was going to continue receiving those payments. So its been tight, but thankfully I have a good family who has helped me out. I will owe a lot of money for a good year or so but I guess no one comes out of these things unscathed right?

If you got to the bottom of this and aren't dozing off....thanks for "listening"....I feel MUCH better now Ha ha ha
Old 11-08-2010, 08:51 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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Don't be sheepish - hi!
Old 11-08-2010, 09:06 PM
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tugofwar tugofwar is offline
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Welcome. Sorry to hear what you are going thru. We have been and are still walking in your shoes. You are not alone.
By the sounds of things and just reading your story reminds me of mine and the same things that happened.
Your ex is just trying to bully you into breaking down. Yes, the threats. Been there done that. It's just a way to try to control you in hopes you would break down.
Unfortunately, you've tried taking the high grounds, but honestly you are heading in the right direction. Taking your ex to court is the only way to get things done and hopefully be able to wrap this up.
Hope you find lots of helpful information on this site and ask away!
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