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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 01-09-2006, 03:12 PM
kmac kmac is offline
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Default I am 21 he is 36. He is very controlling.

I am 21 and my husband is 36. He doesn't understand that I want to be 21 sometimes. It is a problem everytime I want to go out with a friend or to one's house even though he is invited. He gets mad when a man looks in my direction or me telling one of my guy friends hello and even if I let a guy friend borrow a lighter. I feek like he doens't want me to have any friends. I also do everything around the house and by everything I mean to cleaning to mowing the lawn to hanging paintings to cleaning out the cars. I take care of paying most of the bills. He gives me under half the amount needed. I have to be a responsible adult all the time to take care of him and our life together so every now and then I want to be 21. We fight constantly about anything and everything, and i just want to know if all this unhappiness is woth it. We will be married for 2 years in August. I sometimes think it is the age difference. i look forward to receiving your feedback.
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Old 01-09-2006, 04:34 PM
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hubby hubby is offline
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Default What will the future hold

Ask yourself this ... what will your future life be like when additional stressors arrive ... children, career opportunities.

Not only is he controlling, but very insecure ... you'll eventually begin to resent him.

Fighting, unhappiness, laziness, lack of ambition ... here's my optimistic view ... marriage failure.

I apologize, unless this guy has another side to him you're not telling us about ... there is abosolutely no qualities I can see to help nuture this relationship.

Have you considered coaching ... failing that, you need to seriously consider your life and how it can and will be complicated as time goes on.

Hubby

PS - Geez, guess I am a GREAT catch after all!
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Old 01-09-2006, 05:04 PM
kmac kmac is offline
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That is another one. I am a professional and as a professional you might be required to do a few job realted tasks outside of work. That is a huge no. Could the age difference be contibuting to him acting like a dad. I honestly don't know what to do. We just bought a house and i don't know if he would get it even thought he is the co-borrower and I am the borrower or if it matters that he is from Ireland and doesn't have permanent residency yet. I think I could pay the bills myself but there is still that feeling of anxiety when I think about it.
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Old 01-09-2006, 05:07 PM
kmac kmac is offline
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Fighting, unhappiness, laziness, lack of ambition ...

these are all the qualities of my marraige.
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Old 01-09-2006, 05:31 PM
god knows the truth god knows the truth is offline
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Ther was an article listed on this forum not too long ago about the characteristics of an abuser. I don't remember all of them but most of it is common sense: jealousy; isolation; control; expecting the other person to do all while the abuser does nothing etc. I'm afraid that he may eventually turn physically abusive.
Your 21 and he's 36. He doesn't want you to live a life because he's afraid you'll realize (possibly )that there's a better life than him--my , that's leaves HIM in a lurch now, doesn't it? Chances are a decent women approximate to his age wouldn't put up with his nonsense because they've been there already!
You sound smart, social--go have fun.
My ex was like that: if a guy held the door open for me I apparently was sleeping with the guy, despite the fact that I had never met the person in my life AND he knew I was the most faithful person on the planet.
Bottom line...he's afraid to lose you----don't take it as a compliment from him
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Old 01-09-2006, 06:46 PM
Grace Grace is offline
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If there are no children involved, I say move on. Your too young to be married.
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Old 01-09-2006, 09:24 PM
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Wow, sounds tough, at the very least it would probably be wise to get a third party involved, (coach, counsellor etc.) in order for you to see if you are living a healthy marriage, life. Judging by your comments doesn't look good.
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Old 01-15-2006, 06:15 PM
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All I can say is that the abuse never gets better...it only gets worse. It is very easy to cross that line from verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse...the tendencies are already there. Don't let it happen to you.

You are young, it sounds like you have your professional life together, and are a strong, driven individual. Don't let this man destroy you...get out while there is still a chance. While you still have your faculties about you.

I know it is a tough decision to make...you feel anxious of the choices you are trying to make. You get scared by the realization of being on your own...but you have stated that financially you don't require his input...and that is half the battle right there. I have no idea whether you want kids, but to make a decision like this...it is done without a lot of the guilt if you are childless (I can speak from experience). If you do want children, you will have plenty of opportunties to meet the right person, who will treat you like you deserve. I have two beautiful boys, but I stayed in an all-encompassing abusive relationship because I was trying to hold my marriage together for the sake of the kids. But one day I came to realize (at the sight of his fist hitting my face in front of the kids) that I knew right then and there that this was not an environment that I wanted my boys to grow up in. The abuse began as verbal and emotional insults, and then escalated to actual physical abuse. No one deserves to be subjected to this type of behavior.

I hope you have the strength within you to make the decision that is going to allow you to lead a happy, productive life.

Good luck!

Mother2boys
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Old 02-10-2006, 06:16 PM
Tim Tim is offline
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If life is this tough after only 2 years, can you even think about 20 years down the road? At only 21 years old you still have a lot to see in the world, bit young to get married. If you don't mind me asking, if you got married at 19 what age did you start dating him at?
  #10  
Old 02-10-2006, 11:01 PM
missesb4 missesb4 is offline
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I was 23 when I got married and my husband was 35. Let me tell you, the insecurities only get worse with age !
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