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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 01-09-2006, 04:11 AM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Unhappy dealing with emotions over divorce

Hi everyone! I am a new member 2 this website. This is my 1st post. I wanted 2 share my story with u all and look forward 2 receiving your replies. Well, i have been married for a little over a year now. And soon after the marriage, when i moved in with my husband into my in-laws house, shortly after troubles began with me and my in-laws.

My father in-law is very controlling and dominating. He is constantly interfering with our lives and has made my life hell! He controls my husband’s money, as in his bank account and gives him allowance money 2 spend from his own earnings! This has created issues between me and husband and our spending. Starting from grocery shopping 2 eating out etc. His dad always wants an account of everything we did and what we spend where. And on top of all of that he likes 2 complain and criticize on our spending. And the sad part in all of this is, that my husband cannot speak up 2 his father and set some clear boundaries for us.

There r many examples like the one i just mentioned where my in-laws constantly meddle with our lives. But the problem is that my husband doesn't see it like that. Instead he is accustomed 2 the way his dad is and doesn't see anything wrong in his behavior. And he is 2 scared of his dad 2 speak up and say anything 2 him. Thus, this has been an ongoing problem in our relationship.

I've tried 2 address this issue among other issues numerous times but 2 no avail. And things only seemed 2 pile up over time, to a point that i could not take it anymore.
Since a little over 4 months, we have been living separately and i have finally decided 2 take the huge and difficult step of considering 2 divorce him. I spoke 2 him about how i was feeling, and that i was beginning 2 consider divorce as a probable course of action in the near future. And he recently told me that he also feels that getting a divorce seems like the only solution left at this time, since moving out and having our own place is out of the cards for him. Since he feels he cannot turn his back on his parents and have his own life with his wife. And i certainly cannot go back 2 the house and live with my in-laws.

Now that we r at this crossroad, the reality of the situation has really hit home for me and i am finding it very hard 2 let go off him and our life together. Knowing that we love each other and want 2 be together, but cannot seem 2 be able 2 come 2 a compromise which works well for both of us.

I would really appreciate some feedback from anyone who can relate 2 my situation and what i am feeling and offer me some advice. I feel like i am in a bind at the moment, any suggestions would be a great emotional help..thanks!
  #2  
Old 01-09-2006, 08:07 AM
god knows the truth god knows the truth is offline
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I can see the bewilderment and hurt in your words. I feel for you. It seems that your husband and you still love each other but the reality has set in.
It's sad that your husband would allow his Father to come between you.
Since it's like this after one year of marriage imagine if you both had children: it would get worse and, when and if custody became an issue, the in-laws would be on hubbie's side and you may get a really raw deal. Believe me, read the posts in this forum and you'll see the reality of child custody and all the hurt and frustration that it entails.
Do you want to be with a man who can't stand up to, or LEAVE his parent's control; you're asking for trouble.
Make a 'pros' ( good points) and cons(bad things) list of this situation and you'll be able to see things more clearly.If your Husband is not willing to be independent from his parents you really have two choices, as I see it: 1) learn to live with it, which I think will get worse 2) accept that right now your husband is going to allow this and you will be second to the parents so it may be time to take legal action.I'm not sayin to divorce that's certainly your choice.
Counselling, individually and together may help--I would suggest a Christian counsellor because they seem more spiritually oriented, but that's your choice.
I wish I had a concrete answer for you.
Take care and keep posting; this forum has MANY kind-hearted people who honestly try to help( not just e-mail for the sake of talking).
Bye for now
  #3  
Old 01-09-2006, 10:33 AM
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In laws can be a source of tension in a family unit ... especially if they enforce their will.

Seems your husband needs to grow up and remember that you and your husband promised to be ONE with one another under Gods eyes ... parents not included.

You can try to force your husband to see your way (which may drive him away) or continue to give him space in the hope he sees the light. (Men typically seem to come around easier than women do in relationships ... )

When it comes to crossroads ... you can either go left or right. Which either way you take, remember, no going back ... your husband has to know this. Consider yourself luck that the equation is not complicated by having children in it ...

It's a difficult situation to be in, that is why God gave you the power of 'choice' ... you can continue to live that life or create another that will make you happy ... you choose.

Hubby

Last edited by Jeff; 01-09-2006 at 10:51 AM.
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Old 01-09-2006, 09:42 PM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Question dealing with emotions over divorce

God Knows the Truth/Hubby

Thanks for your quick reply! Your feedback and your advice was a great help 2 me. It helps 2 have someone there u can talk 2, who listens and understands what u r going through and can offer u some support and comfort in this hard time in your life.

God knows the truth, to answer your suggestion about counseling, i did think about that and even suggested to my husband on more than one occasion about trying out some relationship/marriage counseling and see how it works for us. But, he right out refused even without giving it another thought..claiming that he does not believe in the institution, that a third party can help us in sorting out our problems/issues, but rather we should be able 2 do that on our own! What hope can one have on achieving anything with an attitude like his? How does one work around it? I told him that if what he says was true, and that was the case, then why haven't we been able 2 resolve this amongst ourselves till now? What is the harm in having an open mind and trying out all the resources available 2 u before giving up and believing that there is no way 2 work it out? Unless of course the intention is missing 2 put in the work 2 achieve the desired results!

I mean tell me if i am wrong in thinking this way, that if u truly love someone as u claim u do, u r willing 2 do anything possible in your power 2 be able 2 be with that person!? Going through this whole experience makes me think that does he truly love me or ever did in our 4 1/2 yr relationship, including one year of marriage? And if so, why is he acting the way he is now? I wish i had known before that it could be a possibility that he would abandon me and our marriage over his parents! I mean his parents have mistreated me a lot by passing sarcastic comments and let downs over the course of about 8 -9 months since our marriage with me living with them in their house. And my husband has been aware of that besides me telling him and also since he has been there himself at times 2 see and hear first hand how they treat me. And he would still never speak up and take my side even then! Instead he would get mad at me and tell me that it must have been something i did wrong, and that his parents can never be wrong and do no wrong..or he would just give me the silent treatment!

Please reply back 2 me with what u think about the situation. It would be a great help 2 be able 2 talk 2 u guys about my situation and receive your further feedbacks. Your previous feedbacks helped in providing me with valuable insights..thanks 2 both of u!

Sincerely,

In-Law Trouble
  #5  
Old 01-09-2006, 10:21 PM
god knows the truth god knows the truth is offline
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You're very welcome. Put it this way I had 1 mama's boy in my life and it was one too many.
Your husband is a weak person and very disrespectful to you. If you choose to stay with him you better grow another layer of skin.. you'll need thick skin to survive it all.
Does your husband have no pride, in regards to blaming you and 'siding' with his parents?Doesn't sound like he wants to put effort into your marriage, that's his loss 'cause you can move on and enjoy your life, while he basks in the atmosphere of parental control--your choice.
My idea of a man is a self assured, decent, 'take care -of- business- kinda' guy, despite the fact that I seem to attract 'mommy boys' or 'WANNA-BE-take-care-of-business-kinda-guy! ha. Know any single REAL men?? ha
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Old 01-09-2006, 11:13 PM
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Default Real men

Quote:
Originally Posted by god knows the truth
Know any single REAL men?? ha
Uh, yeah ... hello!

Hubby
  #7  
Old 01-09-2006, 11:26 PM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Default What is the guy perspective?

Hubby,

What r your thoughts on reading my story? I was wondering if u could shed some light through a guy's perspective on it, concerning my husband and his behavior! Thanks.

In-Law Trouble
  #8  
Old 01-10-2006, 06:56 AM
logicalvelocity logicalvelocity is offline
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Inlawtrouble,

I read your post. I am not surprised by the meddling of the parents as you were living in their household.

As far as your husband goes and you, why haven't you taken an effort to secure your own residence. I am sure if both of you were working, you could secure an apartment and would also take care of a lot of problems.

A young couple needs their own privacy and an opportunity to develop their own relationship. Living with his mom and Dad will not provide an opportunity for you to foster a relationship with your husband.

Did you not talk about your future plans as husband and wife and where you would live.

You have a few good points though as your husband should be standing up to his parents for meddling into your lives.

You should speak to your husband and if he ignores your concerns you have raised, you have no other option that what you have mentioned. Sometimes a separation will help him see your views.
  #9  
Old 01-10-2006, 10:49 AM
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Hubby,

I love your modesty HA!
  #10  
Old 01-10-2006, 12:20 PM
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In-Law Trouble,

Let me start by saying that fundamentally, men and women are different. They are different in their communication and their needs to a fullfilling life.

Oh God, here goes I'm sensing that your husband hears you BUT does not really fully comprehend the severity of the situation. You HAVE to stand your ground, show him through your ACTIONS that you mean business.

Seperation can be a good thing if space is what is needed, however, the real source of the problem are the parents, their meddling and your husbands inability to see the situation for what is really is and is doing. You can't blame him thought, we are all creatures of habit and this is precisely what is happening, he is acting out of habit and has had the time, a lifetime really to adjust to the behaviors and expectations of his parents. You have not. This is where the friction comes in.

You do have one thing going for you. You have identified WHAT the problem is, now the question is, HOW do you go about (through your actions) finding an amicable solution. You cant change the parents, you cant change your husband, however, you can change yourself and your reaction to the situation. Logicalvelocity's suggestions are sound as always -- s/he MUST be a lawyers assistant or something!

There is ALWAYS a solution to any problem, the trick is to focus on a solution as opposed to the problem.

If you are living in seperate households, start off by asking your husband to come over to your place, watch some movies, have him stay the night, a good back rub, some uh-hum ... you know, show him just how much fun it can be having your own pad and privacy.

I guess the BEST advice I can give you is to LIVE your life NOW ... with or without him. Let him see how much fun you are having and chances are ... he may join you. I don't wish to stereotype, sometimes, well, guys can be a little slow in the relationship department until some tramatic events occurs to wake them up!

Blessing to you and your husband on working this out.

Hubby
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