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  #1  
Old 01-02-2018, 03:53 PM
stevem stevem is offline
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Default New Member - Introducing myself

Hi everyone - I'm new here - I've done some reading - alot of information in the forums - I'm hoping to find some good advice and information from the members here if they would be so kind.

I'm an older dad - approaching my 50's -with 2 young kids 8+ 10, boy & girl. My common law spouse and I separated almost 3 yrs ago - we have been working with a small lawyer over the last few years to come to an agreement - so far with little success.

I have lots of questions pertaining to where to find a good lawyer(if I decide I need one), separation of assets/house & monetary questions - spousal support and child support payments as well as lots of other concerns.

I know common law separations can be different from divorce in Ontario - but so much depends on the lawyer & judge. Sometimes I'm glad I stayed common law - but sometimes I think the split would have been easier/clearer if I were married.

So far the relationship between my ex is amicable - however her personality seems to change like the wind some days - and she has been less than reasonable in coming to a settlement so far. Also - we are having problems with the lawyer we both paid to help us come to an agreement - it seems like they may be in some hot water - so I need to look up info on this lawyer.

I just want something fair - that's all - she has custody of the kids now - although I see them lots - the young boy especially when she gets fed up with him and drops him off at my place. (I have little or no problems with him behavior wise). I pay her spousal and child support (although she refuses to sign anything for cra- so my spousal support is not recognized on my tax return - and she does pay tax on the spousal support that she receives) , I have a good job - although she has 2 college educations and other training, she is happy and content with her part time min wage job. She also may be set to inherit a few million in the next few years - however this is a maybe. I help her lots now - with everything from auto repairs to fixing her computer etc......I love my kids dearly, try to discipline them correctly and be civil about this all.....but then again this is only my side of the story here...

I don't want to make my situation any worse by doing anything stupid - so I need information, and to keep my emotions and opinions under wraps for now - hopefully everything will work out just fine. I know her well enough and don't wish her any detriment, but also doubt I would ever find her lurking on this forum.

Anyway enough said for now, I'm not here to vent - just to learn- just wanted to say hi and that you'll see my posts around here & there.

Any help that the members here can provide is much appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 01-02-2018, 04:40 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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Welcome!

Perhaps post your specific questions so that others may be able to help you more easily.
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Old 01-02-2018, 05:05 PM
piggybanktoex piggybanktoex is offline
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Why not 50-50 on kids.....?
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Old 01-02-2018, 05:17 PM
stevem stevem is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Welcome!

Perhaps post your specific questions so that others may be able to help you more easily.
Hi Blink - Yes I'll be posting more specific - sorry if I went on a bit of a tangent - just wanted to say hi. Suppose I vented a bit there too...

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Originally Posted by piggybanktoex View Post
Why not 50-50 on kids.....?
Hi Piggy - why not 50/50 ? - she wants the money - told me that straight up - she won't go 50/50- although if I pressed it I could prob get it - not worried though - I run my own business so my time is limited - and kids need their mom alot when they are so young - as long as she is not poisioning them behind my back I'm easy - cautious though...but if things keep up with my little boy the way they have been ....it may be 50/50 soon...she dropped him off at my place 2 nights ago said she cannot control him he needs therapy and he is mine...for a few days anyway till the wind blows ....life has her ways...
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Old 01-02-2018, 10:26 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Welcome Stevem, I would definitely try and do 50/50 custody. I think its better for the children. You can still pay her spousal support and offset child support if $$$ is her motivation. I too have a boy (7) that I have difficulties with, and apparently when he is with his Dad he's a angel. I think that is somewhat because his is not really parenting the child, but visiting the child. And the child is better behaved because he doesn't have to be the heavy when it comes too the not so some fun stuff like, homework, going to bed on time, eat your veggies, hygiene etc.

I do think its great that your ex reaches out to you when she is getting to the end of her rope with the child and you are there for her and your child.

Do either of you have a new partner. Sometimes that can make things a bit more complicated.
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Old 01-02-2018, 11:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevem View Post
Hi Blink - Yes I'll be posting more specific - sorry if I went on a bit of a tangent - just wanted to say hi. Suppose I vented a bit there too...



Hi Piggy - why not 50/50 ? - she wants the money - told me that straight up - she won't go 50/50- although if I pressed it I could prob get it - not worried though - I run my own business so my time is limited - and kids need their mom alot when they are so young - as long as she is not poisioning them behind my back I'm easy - cautious though...but if things keep up with my little boy the way they have been ....it may be 50/50 soon...she dropped him off at my place 2 nights ago said she cannot control him he needs therapy and he is mine...for a few days anyway till the wind blows ....life has her ways...
Yeah...parents need to adjust their lifestyles sometimes when there are kids involved. This is one of those times. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you won't adjust your lifestyle to accomodate 50-50, whatever would you do if something happened to their mother?

It may be inconvenient for you, but kids need BOTH parents to be equally and actively involved, not "kids need their mothers when they're young". Your kids need to be worth the effort feom the time they're born, not from the time it's more convenient for you.
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Old 01-03-2018, 09:00 PM
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Get a lawyer, you are being exploited.
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Old 01-03-2018, 09:34 PM
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Do you have any other children?

Pay your support through FRO. Do you pay her directly? Do you have a separation agreement? If not, how did you agree to the amount you now pay her? I see you mentioned the two of you "shared" a lawyer. Was there a separation agreement filed in court?
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Old 01-04-2018, 01:11 PM
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Hi dad,

welcome to a fantasy world of gender neutrality in the true, north, strong, and free.

LOL. Just kidding.

Why does she have custody? Why is not joint custody ? I assume there is a separation agreement on that issue ? Signed by your own independent lawyers or signed by same lawyer ?


Why not 50-50 ? You could place children with family or in daycare when you are working - just as could and will mom - and get you to pay on such times which you may possible be available to look after the children.

Don't fall for the she won't poison them part. If she won't agree to 50/50 shared custody, etc.. and just wants "full guideline" child support, then she clearly is against supporting your role as a parent - and wants to minimize it.

You have asked a good question - how to find a good lawyer. My advice, meet with as many lawyers as you want and go with the one who you feel the most confident and comfortable with. Take a day off work to go to court and watch them argue motions and/or trials. Some lawyers are completely different in court. Their connection and reputation with the judges is also very important. Go and see yourself - and look up their cases on canlii to get a general idea. Any bad vibes from the lawyer - question it and thank them for their time and leave. Find a good experienced lawyer - or don't go to court at all. You want a lawyer that will fight for your rights and won't really care about mom's feelings.

I would not end it until you have at minimum joint custody, and equal access, with an offset child support. Don't be afraid - or lack the confidence to ask for sole custody - you are just as entitled as is mom.

Lastly, as per yourself, wake up early, get a hobby, go to the gym, take vacations (with your kids) and focus on your relationship with the kids. Don't let mom be in your thoughts. Focus on your children and let your lawyer deal with mom's feelings. I would strongly suggest experienced counselor - meet with them once or twice a month - or more if needed.

And print out emails/texts, and read them over the next day before you sent them to her - and run them by your lawyer when possible. You will never know which one of your emails/texts will be the evidence she needs to win her case.

Do communicate to her about child health and education, etc. and be super polite - it will make you the bigger person and go along way with the judge residing your matter - let her put your super polite emails before the judge - to your benefit.

Last edited by trinton; 01-04-2018 at 01:23 PM.
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  #10  
Old 01-04-2018, 04:03 PM
stevem stevem is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Welcome Stevem, I would definitely try and do 50/50 custody. I think its better for the children. You can still pay her spousal support and offset child support if $$$ is her motivation. I too have a boy (7) that I have difficulties with, and apparently when he is with his Dad he's a angel. I think that is somewhat because his is not really parenting the child, but visiting the child. And the child is better behaved because he doesn't have to be the heavy when it comes too the not so some fun stuff like, homework, going to bed on time, eat your veggies, hygiene etc.

I do think its great that your ex reaches out to you when she is getting to the end of her rope with the child and you are there for her and your child.

Do either of you have a new partner. Sometimes that can make things a bit more complicated.
Hi Kate - Thanks for the input - it is needed - neither of us have new partners -I know that would greatly complicate things - my ex is a very jealous and insecure person sometimes - so I won't even tell her if there is someone else. My boy is better with me as he knows I don't take any crap - his mom just does - she just doesn't have the parenting skills - I know this sounds bad - but neither does her mother....just the way it is....

Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Yeah...parents need to adjust their lifestyles sometimes when there are kids involved. This is one of those times. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you won't adjust your lifestyle to accomodate 50-50, whatever would you do if something happened to their mother?

It may be inconvenient for you, but kids need BOTH parents to be equally and actively involved, not "kids need their mothers when they're young". Your kids need to be worth the effort feom the time they're born, not from the time it's more convenient for you.
Blink - if anything ever happens to their mom, they can live with me....it would be seamless - it would be the house they lived in since they were born ....and right now I'm very active with them, take my boy to his hockey (99% me), and my girl to horse riding lessons, guitar lessons & more....so I am in the pic bigtime....the 3 of us watch movies all the time, I make tacos with fries supreme my little girl loves...(taco bell got nothing on me)....I help her with math homework....but I'll consider the 50/50 carefully.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Get a lawyer, you are being exploited.
Hi Links - please tell me how so ?? I know my ex - she may be exploiting me a bit - but it is not very intentional - and I don't think I'm being hurt...

Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Do you have any other children?

Pay your support through FRO. Do you pay her directly? Do you have a separation agreement? If not, how did you agree to the amount you now pay her? I see you mentioned the two of you "shared" a lawyer. Was there a separation agreement filed in court?
Hi Arabian - What is FRO ?? I do pay her directly bank account transfer - so I have records of it all. I know what your thinking - she might come back to bite me in the @ss - but she is not all that savy - especially when it comes to financials. When we split I looked up child support for her based on my income - and set it at that - although I run a business and my income fluctuates I was pretty close for all the time we have been apart. For the spousal I just put down a rough figure based on her ability to get a job, I also checked online calculators - turned out I wasn't far off. We do not have a separation agreement - nothing filed in court. About a year after we split we found a lawyers service advertising divorce settlement services - we went with that ....so far things have turned out only fair for reasons I'll get into in another post....

Quote:
Originally Posted by trinton View Post
Hi dad,

welcome to a fantasy world of gender neutrality in the true, north, strong, and free.

LOL. Just kidding.

Why does she have custody? Why is not joint custody ? I assume there is a separation agreement on that issue ? Signed by your own independent lawyers or signed by same lawyer ?


Why not 50-50 ? You could place children with family or in daycare when you are working - just as could and will mom - and get you to pay on such times which you may possible be available to look after the children.

Don't fall for the she won't poison them part. If she won't agree to 50/50 shared custody, etc.. and just wants "full guideline" child support, then she clearly is against supporting your role as a parent - and wants to minimize it.

You have asked a good question - how to find a good lawyer. My advice, meet with as many lawyers as you want and go with the one who you feel the most confident and comfortable with. Take a day off work to go to court and watch them argue motions and/or trials. Some lawyers are completely different in court. Their connection and reputation with the judges is also very important. Go and see yourself - and look up their cases on canlii to get a general idea. Any bad vibes from the lawyer - question it and thank them for their time and leave. Find a good experienced lawyer - or don't go to court at all. You want a lawyer that will fight for your rights and won't really care about mom's feelings.

I would not end it until you have at minimum joint custody, and equal access, with an offset child support. Don't be afraid - or lack the confidence to ask for sole custody - you are just as entitled as is mom.

Lastly, as per yourself, wake up early, get a hobby, go to the gym, take vacations (with your kids) and focus on your relationship with the kids. Don't let mom be in your thoughts. Focus on your children and let your lawyer deal with mom's feelings. I would strongly suggest experienced counselor - meet with them once or twice a month - or more if needed.

And print out emails/texts, and read them over the next day before you sent them to her - and run them by your lawyer when possible. You will never know which one of your emails/texts will be the evidence she needs to win her case.

Do communicate to her about child health and education, etc. and be super polite - it will make you the bigger person and go along way with the judge residing your matter - let her put your super polite emails before the judge - to your benefit.
Hi Trinton - thanks for the input - you've put down alot there....and I know you are suggesting I very carefully put a bubble around myself just in case....but our relationship is still good, quite good - we just are 2 different people - and I intend to keep it that way until and after our agreement is in place...I am very very careful about emails....and trust me I have lots of hobbies - just trying to find the time to do them as my business takes up so much of my time. There is no separation agreement - I don't have family close so I don't have help there... That is some really good advice on the lawyers .....I am more leery of them than of my ex...that's why I'm carefully trying to resolve it ourselves...
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