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Old 08-24-2015, 06:53 PM
Karver Karver is offline
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Default Deciding Extracurricular Activities

I need a solution to this topic for an upcoming arbitration: Structuring a schedule and process for determining the Children's extracurricular activities.

High conflict parents. No contact order, so no communication, except through lawyers. 3 young boys.
We have an arbitration coming in September and I've come up with a plan for all of the other issues, but I am stuck on this extracurricular activities.

How do high conflict people word a clause for extracurricular activities? He would have them in every sport possible (except the ones I might like the boys to try). They are young, I would like them to try a few different sports or activities, the ex is only caring about skiing (and all the dryland and gymnastics that go with it, at this point, the kids don't like this high commitment sport) and lacrosse (boys like lacrosse, so I'm ok with this).
Do people negotiate: the ex signs them up for two sports and so do I? how do we organize transportation for 3 kids when we can't even communicate - they do not play on the same teams since there is age gaps. This means different times and venues.
Is there a price cap on sports? ugh. I can see this topic being an issue for years to come.
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Old 08-24-2015, 08:37 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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Why not something like up to two activities per child, one chosen by each parent with a total maximum cost of XX$ per activity per child, each parent drives kids on their own time when the kids are with them.

This way you each get to choose something and don't have to worry about the other objecting, and t stays within a set budget. Everything within reason of course, like location, number of time per week etc.
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Old 08-24-2015, 11:47 PM
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mcdreamy mcdreamy is offline
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This sounds difficult with 3 kidlet schedules to coordinate. Is there any possibility you could find an activity that is available during only your parenting time for all 3, and the ex, his? i.e. you do swimming/diving, lacrosse lessons on your parenting time, the ex does skiing/etc. on his?

At the best of times, with communication, transportation of all 3 would be complicated. Fwiw, the ex and I communicate fairly well but we still had the kidlet involved in activities separately -- she did girl guides/equestrian on my time, swimming/flying with him on his and we each dealt with our own expenses. We'd update her status via email and only crossed paths for relatively few competitions and events. We also didn't choose "team" activities so that rather helped us manage our respective times.

And re: price cap - extracurriculars typically must be agreed on by both parents before the expense is shared, so hopefully a parent doesn't get handed a bill for an excessive disbursement that they hadn't agreed upon. There are several threads on the forum about how to calculate s7 costs, taking into account tax credits, etc.
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Old 08-25-2015, 12:58 PM
Karver Karver is offline
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It is hard because we are a week on/off schedule.
It's already begun.
  • Historically, the 3 boys have been in ski racing. They are young (9,7,5). skiing huge time and $ commitment, like hockey I suppose. Boys do not like it, but ex used to be ski racer, so he is absolutely unmoving on this, it is all consuming... and expensive.
  • In our separation agreement (the ex wrote himself), he put in a clause that he would pay for all section 7 (he makes 10x the amount of $ I do...until now apparently).
  • He was paying for all section 7 for a year and a half and then stopped paying me back for anything I paid for in regards to section 7. I've still been sending invoices, they are ignored. I am not a 'spendy' person like my ex, so my section 7 is the school bus, some swim lessons, field trips... minor stuff.
  • Since April 2015 Ex has stopped paying C/S saying that he can't afford it, he's broke
  • Ex says that I owe him for 50% of the section 7 he's paid to date - has never sent me a receipt or consulted with me on any purchase or skiing.
  • Recently sent me a bill for $26,000 for Section 7, thus withholding C/S. Things like trips, half of a motorcycle he bought for a bday present, fishing licenses, half of a skidoo for kid, his live in nanny, skiing...etc.
  • I sent a letter to his lawyer in June 2015 saying that since ex is claiming to be broke and is reneging on paying for all Section 7, that ski racing would be unrealistic at this time and needs to be put off until arbitration in Sept when income is determined.
  • I've hired a forensic accountant to find out full income - ex self employed with his own company and numerous numbered companies.
  • This morning I sent an email to ex and his lawyer saying I wanted to sign S1 up for fall baseball - one month commitment, $100, son wants to play
  • Ex sent email back to me and the Arbitrator saying that he's signed all 3 boys up for skiing and that dryland training (another program through skiing - running through cones) starts next weekend and that it is more important than baseball, so forget baseball. This is the first I've been told about any of it. I guess he could find the $8000 to sign them up for skiing after all. Will probably send me a bill for half of it.
Income, section 7 are on the docket for arbitration. So is this skiing. gah. This has gone on forever.
The limit of 2 sports per parent is good, but his skiing is like 8 months long with all the extra dryland and gymnastics that go with it...
and your right, the driving of 3 kids to all different places is crazy. this is a tough one. ex has definitely taken the role of the 'decider' of sports.
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