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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 12-28-2012, 02:00 PM
SadAndTired SadAndTired is offline
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Default Late pick up?

My stbx picks up the kids for two overnights. I've asked him repeatedly to simply pick a time that works for him and stick to it for the consistency of the kids' schedule. He likes to text me in the afternoon of pick up day and says "I will be there in two hours." It makes it hard to arrange work and child care as it is rarely the same time each week. I asked him repeatedly to give me 24 hours email notice of his arrival time. For a while he refused but does now. That still isn't working. I need a time (ie. 5 pm) so I can plan for the kids' care.

Of course, traffic, etc. happens and I've asked him to simply call if he will be late. He comes from another city.

He refuses to have a consistent time. I emailed him ahead of time letting him know when I worked yesterday and to confirm his chosen pick up time of 10 am. I asked him to let me know in the morning if he would be late due to weather, etc so I could make arrangements for the babysitter if needed. He said he would be there.

I called him at 12 pm, he said he was almost there. At 15 minutes before my shift started, he still wasn't there. I packed the kids into my car and drove to my work. (It is not appropriate to have the kids there, I was just going to talk to my boss to rearrange my shift.) After I had left, stbx arrived at my house and then called me irrate, asking for the kids. I told him this wasn't okay and he was three hours late!! He then arrived at my work to get the kids. I did not get out of my car as he had been really yelling at me on the phone (saying I should have had the sitter come, etc.) so I did not want a scene in front of the children and in the parking lot of my employment. My job is not a "good" job and I am easily fired/easily replaced.

I arranged a different location where he picked up the kids there.

My question is, I have raised the concern about his refusal to chose a set pick up time to get the kids in my response to his court application. We have been to case conference but my lawyer did not raise the issue as there were complicated financials to get through. The next conference (is it trial management?) is set for the end of February.

So, what do I do? What is reasonable? I just want him to pick up the kids when he says he will. He seems to think myself, the kids and the sitter should be at his beck and call for whenever he wants to arrive. My emails have had no impact on his choices.

This isn't about him just being late but not scheduling the time he gets the kids and sticking to it. Funnily enough he always returns the girls perfectly on time.
Old 12-28-2012, 02:13 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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You are not being unreasonable, he should be able to pick a time and be consistent. He isnt being fair to the kids. Is there a reason he is doing this? You say he has no problem returning them on time then maybe when he has them, he doesnt know what to do with them?
Old 12-28-2012, 02:20 PM
SadAndTired SadAndTired is offline
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He says he is never sure when he will be done work until that afternoon. That sometimes he is done early so then he wants to come early. That sometimes he is done at 6 so then he comes later. I have suggested he always come at 6 but he said no. He wants to be able to decide that day, with a few hours notice to me.

Sometimes he picks a time and is late due to traffic. That is understandable and he usually calls about that.

(Usually he picks them up on a Friday for eow, but we arranged extra time for them to be together because of the school holidays. He didn't work yesterday so that wasn't the problem. I have no idea why he was so late. He said there was a problem with the GO train but he was 3 hours late with no phone call.)
Old 12-28-2012, 02:52 PM
Unevenplayingground Unevenplayingground is offline
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I see your point, and I see his.

Ideally, a specific time would work best for the kids, but if the reason is his job, I think I would have to accept the inconsistency. I could understand an issue with the GO.

Is the reason he is able to drop the kids off on time because it is a weekend and he isn't working?

At the end of the day, you have to pick your battles. If he is eow, then it is only an issue eow, is it worth the fight?

My ex had a job that had crazy hours, I told him to come when he could, I made arrangements for childcare, he was also eow. The kids understood, it wasn't like he was inconsistent on pick up times because he was being irresponsible. My ex was on the pick up list at the after school program they went to, and if he wasn't able to pick them up (I always planned as if I was going to get them, but usually didn't have to on his weekend) he would let me know. Sometimes I would only get an hours notice.

But if you look at it as if you were still a couple, these things would happen and one of you would have to adapt. Unfortunately, it is probably more you, where he is eow, and being primary that tends to happen.

Good luck with working it out!
Old 12-28-2012, 03:10 PM
SadAndTired SadAndTired is offline
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Thanks Standing and Uneven

I am trying to look at it unemotionally. It is hard though because I feel like I did everything I could to ensure he knew what being late would mean and he was late. I missed an hour of work. He was supposed to be there at 10 and I worked at 1 pm. Seems like lots of time, doesn't it? I specifically asked him if I needed a sitter and believed him when he said no. I cannot keep missing work. I will lose my job. I also can't afford to pay a sitter if he shows up on time. She won't come "just in case" as she needs to earn money too.
Old 12-30-2012, 03:11 PM
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Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
My stbx picks up... always returns the girls perfectly on time.
1. Make sure you document clearly the pickup and drop off times for each exchange.

2. You should really introduce to the other party an offer to settle to coordinate these discussions using Our Family Wizard. That way you don't have to talk on the phone but, you can arrange pickup and drop off times well in advance on the family calendar. Furthermore, all the changes and negotiations for changing the times can be done through their calendar system and it is all tracked by a reputable and often court ordered service provider.

3. You should also make an offer to settle integrating point #2 and a stable access schedule where the pick up and drop off times and the location that this happens at is clearly and explicitly stated.

For example something like this:

In accordance with Rule 18 of the Family Law Rules this Offer to Settle is presented for your consideration to resolve the access, scheduling and exchange location for our children:

1. Both parents shall register for and bear their own expenses for an account with the software platform known as Our Family Wizard. (Tools to simplify shared child custody. - Our Family Wizard - child custody, parenting time)

2. All communications unless an emergency requiring medical intervention shall communicate only through Our Family Wizard.

3. The children shall be picked up on DayOfTheWeek at SomeTime by the father and returned on DayOfTheWeek at SomeTime by the father. In the event there is a need to change this schedule, time or location either parent shall notify the other 72 hours in advance via Our Family Wizard and the other parent shall respond to this request in 24 hours via Our Family Wizard. In the event that the parents are unable to agree to the exchange of the children, location and time shall adhere to paragraph 3 of this agreement.

Something like that... I posted a letter in detail for Nadia a while back that covered the whole "Our Family Wizard" communications in much more detail that may be helpful:

Good Luck!
Old 12-30-2012, 07:39 PM
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hadenough hadenough is offline
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Can a formal offer to settle be sent directly to the OP? Or would I (for example) have to ask my (as far as I'm concerned former) lawyer to send the offer to the OP's lawyer?

S&T: I hope you can work something out..
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