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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 08-16-2012, 05:05 PM
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Default So Tired

So tired of this whole process.

Basis of the story

Married 2002
Two kids 3 and 6
Bi-polar wife had numerous affairs.
She spent 6 weeks in the hospital for treatment in March/April of 2011

Official separation date is Aug 2011

Been living in the same house together during the whole negotiation process. however negotiations require two parties and unfortunately it's only me trying to come to a resolution.

Since Oct 2009 there have been 6 police incidents. (She assulted me twice, She went missing once, Her boyfriend called the cops on me once, I came home to her boyfriend in my house while kids were sleeping and he refused to leave, and she took 10 Tylenol 3 in a fit and police were called to handle situation thus starting her 6 weeks in the mental health ward)
2 Childrens Aid Investigations steaming from the second assault and OD on Tylenol 3.

My lawyer on multiple occasions attempted to make a proposal and on all occasions the reply was no. No counter offer nothing. My lawyer finally sent correspondence basically saying you keep rejecting all our offers maybe it would be better if you provide us with a settlement proposal. The letter also asked for permission for me to travel with the kids. We got a NO back to the travel with the kids within 1 week but have heard nothing regarding a proposal after 4 weeks.

I offered shared custody. Offset child support. No Spousal Support. She could keep the house if she bought me out. Child support would put our net income at 47% and 53%

She wants sole custody. Full Table Child support. Max spousal support 50% net income, and for me to just sign over the house and forget about the equity.

Since Aug 2011 we have had a shared custody agreement where we both have alternating parenting nights and alternating weekends with the kids. I refuse to move out as I can't stand the thought of her having full custody, she just can't handle it. She won't leave as she has it great. I'm paying more house expenses than she is as she refuses to pay her proportional share even after several letters demanding full payment. (remember the "NO" responses). I have been keeping track of every penny spent for the last year but I'm pretty sure I won't get any of it back.

I'm tired of it and just requested my lawyer file with the courts. I've tried to be nice, I've tried to do it sensibly, but when you are dealing with a diagnosed bi-polar who is totally unwilling to co-operate in this whole process. She wants to take the kids back to our home town which I refused. So she feels entitled for me to pay for her to live in the GTA.

It sucks living with her but I'm doing it to ensure the kids have the best.

BTW I read the "HOOVER" articles and they are exactly what she is like.

This is my life.

More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath | Shrink4Men

I've also tried to get out dating but with such a complex situation not many are interested. It's pretty tough and lonely. Thankfully my friends and family are there for me.

Ok I feel better getting this off my chest, but the stress and uncertainty of what is to come might drive me stupid.
Old 08-16-2012, 05:28 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Rationalizing with an irrational person is impossible. If you feel your wife is a danger to you or herself you should talk not just to your lawyer but to the police. I believe you have several options under Mental Health Act and you should find out the details asap. If you have documentation (and she indeed has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and is under the care of a physician for her illness) to back up your allegations then you should have no problem having her removed.

Getting involved with someone else romantically at this point is reckless. You need to focus on providing a stable environment for your children.

She was good enough to have children with. I hope you will see that she gets appropriate medical attention.
Old 08-16-2012, 06:29 PM
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Not his responsibility to ensure she gets proper medical attention. He needs to care for himself and his kids.
And she wouldn't listen anyway. Mental illness is not "normal". You cannot expect the same response as you would with someone without mental illness.
Best of luck
Old 08-16-2012, 06:39 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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I'm curious as to why some type of custody evaluation isn't underway?

Have you asked for OCL involvement or is it something you will be doing now that you're filing?

There was a poster on here last week who got sole custody based on his ex-wife's suicide attempts.

You can't mediate anything with a person with this type of mentality...its good that you've filed so that you can get started on the process.
Old 08-16-2012, 07:24 PM
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She has been under medical supervision since the hospital visit. I tried to help her get better. We attended counselling twice and both times she kept screwing around behind my back. This went on from Feb - Aug 2011 when I decided I had had enough if she wasn't willing to help herself I couldn't help her. She claimed at the time she was on her meds but I can't be certain if/when she was or was not on them.

Several incidents have occurred since actual separation and her behaviour is as erratic as ever.

I was listening to my now previous lawyer saying court is not the way to go we need to try and negotiate this. She was well aware of her mental state. She later quit the practice. I have been with my new lawyer since the end of June. He of course wanted to try and settle as well but says they do not respond to him so they don't leave us much choice.

A CAS investigation was started during her hospital visit and was closed following an investigation after speaking with her doctor. I took complete care of the kids during her time in the hospital. Doctor claims it was not a suicide but an attempt to get hi as part of a manic episode.

Second CAS investigation began after she assaulted me. CAS came to the house investigated and said the case would probably be closed. Several months later I had not heard if the case was closed so I contacted CAS and requested information regarding the case and the case worker no longer works for them. They would not tell me the status of the case. I filed records request on July 18th. Called this week inquiring about it and they claim they never received it. I filed another request for the information.

I'm not familiar with OCL?

Lawyer said it will take a week or two to have the papers filed. In the meantime we still wait for a proposal from her side although I'm not sure it will arrive.
Old 08-16-2012, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post

Getting involved with someone else romantically at this point is reckless. You need to focus on providing a stable environment for your children. .
I'm a little curious as to why you would say it is reckless.

It's been over a year since our separation I'm done with it. I'm ready to move on start meeting new people. I'm not looking to get married again just looking to date and have someone to talk too. I'm certainly not going to be bringing her around the house or the kids. Again this is probably why I've had such a hard time because I am putting my kids first. I'm not desperate just ready (or think I am).
Old 08-16-2012, 07:56 PM
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Please review this thread from Singledad12

He has a similar circumstance in dealing with a wife with some of the same types of issues and was successful in getting a custody assessor to grant him sole custody.

You may also want to review Workingdad's case. He's dealt with OCL (Ontario Children's Lawyer) and overturning an unfavorable OCL investigation.

By the way, my personal thoughts. Private custody assessors are far more costly...but they're also faster and more thorough than OCL. I've had a private assessment and have positive feedback of the experience. You do, however, need to do a little investigation with your lawyer to find a good one.

Just my opinion, but there's a number of things you should be doing. For instance, documenting the daily activity with the kids....recording the time spent with each parent, details of incidences that come up, receipts/ticket stubs of events you attend with them, etc. You can also write down child-centered concerns you, something that the kids have said or done that disturbed you.

All of those things will help you in a custody battle should you decide to pursue one. And given how you've expressed her nature to be....I'm not sure why you haven't started this process already. There's no way I wouldn't be fighting for custody if I was in your shoes.

Its definitely a fight but its one you'd be having in your children's best interest.
Old 08-16-2012, 08:18 PM
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Thanks for the info.

I've sent singledad a private message.

I also found workingdad's stuff earlier today and read the decision.

I had not started the process already as I was taking the advice of my lawyers. My new lawyer had been able to grasp the situation in a little over a month where my previous lawyer didn't get it after 9 months of this crap. Her quiting was probably the best thing that happened.

She does work full time in a school of all places. So she has summers off as well as two weeks at Christmas and a week at March break. She worked 8:00 - 2:45 this year so she was able to pick my son up at school. I was responsible for dropping them off in the morning and then didn't get home till 6:15 - 6:30. (8 hour day plus commute) Which she is of course going to use against me. However she got placed in a new school this year and I believe is working 8:45 - 4:00 or something. So we now have arranged for childcare from 7:30 - 6:00 and they will bring both our kids to school. Full day JK and grade 2.

I'm confident I have a good case but there is always that little voice in the back of your head thinking the worst. I am just very concerned about proving her instability.
Old 08-16-2012, 08:31 PM
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Good on getting a new lawyer. You need one that can handle a custody fight. I think you also need one who recognizes that mediation isn't gonna work too well here.

Your ex is going to ramp up more conflict. There's a lot of cases on this site about men who've had false DV charges against them during in-home separations. Read those posts.

With regard to the custody assessment:

First off, your working time won't make too much difference. We had very similar circumstances in my case. If you're making one of the drop offs/'re ok.

Focus on why you're a good parent, not why she's a bad one....why the kids need you as an influence in their lives. ie...What do you want for them...what kind of life do you want them to will you provide that for them.

When you focus on her...and you don't have to bring her up...the assessor will...stick to data, not opinions. You do not want to bash her at all..however, her mental issues are relevant...particularly since you have police, medical evidence...and even more so if she isn't addressing the issues (ie, medication and therapy). Use the daily log of activities to help illuminate SPECIFIC incidences that concerned you from a factual standpoint only (exactly what the kid said, exactly what she said)....stay out of opinions about what you think of her or how she behaves. Psychologists use the facts that you give them to help form the opinion themselves.

Singledad mentioned that his assessor actually met with his ex's doctors. Its NOT your job to prove her instability. Its your job to prove why you're a better choice to have sole custody.
Old 08-16-2012, 08:51 PM
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Thanks and all very good points.

So hard not to be emotional when it's so personal.

Are there any examples of notes that are around so I could get an understanding of important things to write down.

The kids are currently with her in her hometown with her parents. I had them also in the same town with my parents from Aug 1st - 13th. She is bringing them back home on the 20th although our agreement stated she was going to keep them there till labour day. I'm fine with them coming home of course and will spend as much time as a I can with them.

There are so many times she has done things in front of the kids that were not in their best interest. I kept notes for a while last Nov Dec. I don't understand how these things can be admitted as truthful. If I write down things she did or said that concern me isn't she just going to deny them? I will start keeping an exact log of things I do with them etc when they return.

Last Jan she registered the kids for Gymnastics and Swimming at 4:30 after school knowing very well I couldn't be there to do it with them. I've made it clear that I want them in things this year that I can attend to as well. I also was the head coach of my son's hockey team last year and volunteered again this year although not for head coach because my ex said she would not watch my daughter while I was doing this with my son.

This is all so confusing.

I did get all the police reports under the freedom on information act but they are all written pretty much as neutral which is not surprising since no charges were laid in any of the incidents. I also got the audio of the 911 calls. On the one call she admits to slapping me in the face, but she also said I pushed her away. The report had her statements excluded but does say I agreed with those missing statements. They also would not release the police report regarding her drug incident even though my name was on it. I'm sure my lawyer can get an order for it should it be required.

There I go again thinking about how to prove this and that as opposed to how I'm the best person. That's going to take some getting used to.
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