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Old 03-01-2012, 02:36 AM
Baffled_Dad Baffled_Dad is offline
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Default My story and looking for advice

Hi, this is my first post. Married for 17 years, together for 19. We had 2 sons 20 and 17. The break down of the marriage was the result of a woman being unhappy from the get go. She had 2 affairs that I know of. I guess this isn't all worth mentioning. The bottom line is that we were not meant to be.
We have been separated for almost a year and a half. We decided to sell the home we owned and split what we could. We came to an agreement on what I would pay and have it all notarized. Well that lasted about 7 months. I ended up getting served papers 3 months after that. She has totally turned my two sons against me. *Yes, I have another woman in my life. My ex wanted nothing to do with me but sure thinks she still has control and wants all the benefits of a marriage. Wrong!*
Now we both have lawyers. We did What we did to alleviate the dreaded costs of lawyer bills. We had allot of assets so I thought that was the right thing to do. Our issues are about incidentals with the kids child support and alimony. This is the part I hate and don't understand. My youngest lives with a billet out of town playing Jr.B hockey whose also been drafted by an OHL team. My oldest lives with his mother and decided to return to school (now college) after 2 years being off doing nothing. He also refuses to take a great high paying job as a student to help his mother get an extra $150/week in child support. Thanks son! I was close to my boys especially the youngest one who I have spent a huge amount of money on with his hockey not to mention the oldest but never played at the same level as the youngest. No big deal!**My lawyer who is a female, who is a good lawyer but has a bad bedside manner if I could compare that statement to a doctor. She condemns me for not going to get a Lawyer from the get go. I feel I can't ask her anything without getting chastised. I'm starting to wonder whose side she's on? She is right to the point and shows absolutely no compassion although I'm not looking for any sympathy from her. I told her I've never been in any major debt my whole life except a new car or my home when I owed money on it. Now, I am in debt! She told me to go to my bank and go over my debt management. What! I was trying to explain as to how I was supposed to live on what I was making considering my income has dropped considerably over the years due to less overtime. 150K down to 110K which is what they are going by but my income is going to be between 80K to 85K now. I'm bringing home $1175/ week and my ex is making $17.30/ hour bring home almost $600/week. My tabled amounts are $1533 in child support and alimony is $1544. Do the math here in what she is going to receive. I have a mortgage. She doesn't! I paid her 2008 jeep off 4 months ago and have been paying $550/ week and haven't missed a payment yet. She has received about $180K since the separation which includes buyout of my pension split of our assets and Alimony and back child support. Were still in the process of finalizing the alimony numbers. I just don't get it! Nice guys sure finish last. Call me dumb. I was being rather fair. I just wanted out of the marriage badly. I never left her high and dry. I am hoping to have my child support and alimony adjusted so I can live. Once there is a court order to pay and I'm sure thru the FRO, I'm going to be in arrears every week. That's just ridiculous. I'm not working overtime nor will I ever again. It's funny how all this works. The more you make the less u have in your pocket. The less I make toward her income the more I bring home in my pocket. She also took time off work last summer to keep her income down and still has not submitted her year end statement as of today. My lawyer has been writing to her lawyer and no response. 3 letters already in 6 weeks. She's just playing games and it's so close to being over. Well, I'm stopping all payments to her this week until her lawyer responds. I've been fair and still getting the shaft. I'm at the point who cares! I may as well put that money I've been paying her in a sock for some small savings. If it wasn't for my best friend (girl friend) I don't know where I'd be? Out west maybe! Who knows. I'm at a loss about my lawyer. I feel I'm not being represented at the tune of $300/hr. I don't think it really matters if we have a $75/ hr lawyer or a $600/ hr lawyer. It seems the outcome is never in a mans favor. It really isn't!
Your thoughts? Thanks for reading my situation
Old 03-01-2012, 08:22 AM
torontonian torontonian is offline
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I'm sure you'll get plenty of good opinions shortly from the board members. In the meantime:
1. DO NOT STOP PAYING - showing goodwill goes a long way in front of the court
2. SELF-PITY WON'T GET YOU FAR with your lawyer or here. Grow a thick skin fast, the courts will demolish you if you don't. Who has a relationship or affairs is irrelevant.
3. Check what you actually owe in SS and CS on if you have doubts.
4. CS/S7: You will need to see with your lawyer for s7 (special expenses).
If one kid is never living with ex (hockey), then CS should be tweaked and should become shared S7 only?
4. Alienated (student) kid - depending on how you look at the long-term future: you can ask to stop payment for a kid who doesn't want contact with you - but make sure you really want to do that given you had a good relationship prior to the brainwashing by the ex.
That's it for now. Take a big drink from the bitter cup and then try to put it away. Good luck!

Last edited by torontonian; 03-01-2012 at 08:25 AM.
Old 03-01-2012, 09:21 AM
CCB CCB is offline
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I think you should get a new lawyer. Whenever I talk to our lawyer, I always feel better about things. Sometimes I don't like what she says and it's often not fair in my opinion, but at least I know what to expect.

I know it's hard...but try to emotionally numb yourself about the relationship aspects of your life vs her life. It will make you crazy. Believe me, it pisses me off to no end that my hubby's ex married a money bags and seems to be living high on the hog while we struggle. Yes, I know child support is "for the kids"...but once you reach a certain amount, it's hard to believe that it all gets spent on the kids.

Anyway, let it go. Focus on getting your numbers together. Your lawyer should be able to tell you if your 20 year old son who wants nothing to do with you is still a child of your former marriage? And the fact that he's been out of school for 2 years, not sure if you should have been paying for him at all. After two years he's going back to school. Is it full time? He could do this until he's 40...ask your lawyer.

As for your son who is billeted, your lawyer should be able to advise you as to what you should be paying for him.

It sounds to me like your lawyer needs to stop writing letters and file some applications.
Old 03-01-2012, 11:06 AM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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It sounds to me like your lawyer needs to stop writing letters and file some applications.
Yes, I thoroughly agree with this. I took advice from this forum about lawyers who like to write letters. It will cost you about $300 or more a letter and when you have a spouse who's after blood...expect them to be ignored. For the price, you're better off just filing a motion.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your situation...sounds brutal and more importantly I'm very sorry about the situation with your sons.

Don't give up on them...make any gesture you can to stay in touch with them and let them know you're available whenever they want to see you. Hopefully with time, things will change.

Best wishes.
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