Hello all. I have viewed a few posting here. I am in Orleans..originally from T.O but here for work as I was transferred a few years ago.
My issue is I have been with my spouse since Oct 2006 (we dated and were engaged until July 2009 when we married). Since 2007, when his sex drive all but died up and we literally started living in separate rooms (his snoring did not help) we have existed as roommates. He is a very good man and very good hearted but very irresponsible financially (48 years old and he quit his mechanics job to focus on an online business which is tanking due to competitors; to be fair he just does not have a business mindset but is very smart in hands on trades). For example, he had a debt of $10,000 on a line of credit when we were dating and he was to be paying it off. I recently found out it has gone up to now over $30,000. I believe married couples should discuss major purchases but one day he brought home a $10,000 motorcycle which he paid for on line of credit and I had no idea he was even buying it! Today i told him it is things like that that irritate me as in a marriage, no party or their actions exist in isolation. It took him a while to finally understand this. Also he currently has no job but is looking and as a mechanic, will likely be employed again soon.
The other issue is communication. To be fair, I was very lonely in our non intimate relationship and had an affair in 2012 with a coworker that ended a few months later when i admitted to it. I then had a male friend who my spouse was convinced became interested in me and my spouse was upset at how much we spoke. I suppose it was an emotional affair as we discussed our marriages and their problems due to lack of communicating from both of our spouses however I ended this friendship also after a few months as they friend (no sex ever occurred) started asking me to lunch, etc and is a senior manager 5 levels up at my work.
Needless to say and undertsandably, my spouse says he feels both resentment and anger towards me. I understand that and accept responsibility for my actions and have been addressing my issues (and marriage issues )in individual therapy. My spouse has seen my therapist for a few couples sessions and afterwards she told me our values and lifestyles are just so different, plus he does not communicate regarding this resentment and anger so it is irreconcilable in her eyes. We have also seen Ottawas best sex therapist who thought we had a tough road (if any) to climb back to normalacy.
Anyways I told my spouse yesterday i cannot keep being in a marriage like this with no communication and the spending and financial issues he has. I have a very good job and am very financially stable with no debt and I retire in 15 years and my spouse has not one penny saved for that retirement. Also, i am very into health and fitness and eat well whereas he is not into fitness at all and will eat cake batter for sinner, thus he has gained 20 pounds since we met but says he wants to lose it. He has a MOvati gym membership he pays $60 a month for but has never used it. Also his licence plate sticker is 2 months pverdue and he put our property taxes (his share) on the line of credit this past week.
My suggestion to him as this morning he told me he wants me to not leave is that he get individual counselling (paid through my work) to work on the anger and resentment and discuss it in a safe environment. He agreed. He also wants to try to lose the weight so he signed up for a personal trainor program at Movati. My work also offers 14 sessions with a certified financial planner so i am going to set that up for him this week to do a budget, etc.
My point is he actions these things only when I tell him we should separate and he does them for a short time and returns to his old habits. He is a nice guy, friendly, great with our dogs (no kids) and smart with mechanics and electronics. But it is just we have very different values, goals and lifestyle and he does not communicate. For example he will snap at me when i plead with him to renew his car sticker and he says he knows he should but the snapping is his wall that is up (the anger and resentment) from the affair I had (understandable).
Anyways my suggestion is that I move out temporairily at least until we have some space and work on the individual issues with our therapists as maybe we will appreciate each other more? We have no sex life and as I said, exist in two separate bedrooms in the home. It is a lonely marriage but also, when i think of life without him, it makes me sad and afraid. I am not sure if this is because I have feelings of love for him still or it is just normal human nature. Believe me, thoughts of leaving have been in my mind a long time. Any opinions are welcomed and / or people in similar or who have been in, situations! Thanks!:
My issue is I have been with my spouse since Oct 2006 (we dated and were engaged until July 2009 when we married). Since 2007, when his sex drive all but died up and we literally started living in separate rooms (his snoring did not help) we have existed as roommates. He is a very good man and very good hearted but very irresponsible financially (48 years old and he quit his mechanics job to focus on an online business which is tanking due to competitors; to be fair he just does not have a business mindset but is very smart in hands on trades). For example, he had a debt of $10,000 on a line of credit when we were dating and he was to be paying it off. I recently found out it has gone up to now over $30,000. I believe married couples should discuss major purchases but one day he brought home a $10,000 motorcycle which he paid for on line of credit and I had no idea he was even buying it! Today i told him it is things like that that irritate me as in a marriage, no party or their actions exist in isolation. It took him a while to finally understand this. Also he currently has no job but is looking and as a mechanic, will likely be employed again soon.
The other issue is communication. To be fair, I was very lonely in our non intimate relationship and had an affair in 2012 with a coworker that ended a few months later when i admitted to it. I then had a male friend who my spouse was convinced became interested in me and my spouse was upset at how much we spoke. I suppose it was an emotional affair as we discussed our marriages and their problems due to lack of communicating from both of our spouses however I ended this friendship also after a few months as they friend (no sex ever occurred) started asking me to lunch, etc and is a senior manager 5 levels up at my work.
Needless to say and undertsandably, my spouse says he feels both resentment and anger towards me. I understand that and accept responsibility for my actions and have been addressing my issues (and marriage issues )in individual therapy. My spouse has seen my therapist for a few couples sessions and afterwards she told me our values and lifestyles are just so different, plus he does not communicate regarding this resentment and anger so it is irreconcilable in her eyes. We have also seen Ottawas best sex therapist who thought we had a tough road (if any) to climb back to normalacy.
Anyways I told my spouse yesterday i cannot keep being in a marriage like this with no communication and the spending and financial issues he has. I have a very good job and am very financially stable with no debt and I retire in 15 years and my spouse has not one penny saved for that retirement. Also, i am very into health and fitness and eat well whereas he is not into fitness at all and will eat cake batter for sinner, thus he has gained 20 pounds since we met but says he wants to lose it. He has a MOvati gym membership he pays $60 a month for but has never used it. Also his licence plate sticker is 2 months pverdue and he put our property taxes (his share) on the line of credit this past week.
My suggestion to him as this morning he told me he wants me to not leave is that he get individual counselling (paid through my work) to work on the anger and resentment and discuss it in a safe environment. He agreed. He also wants to try to lose the weight so he signed up for a personal trainor program at Movati. My work also offers 14 sessions with a certified financial planner so i am going to set that up for him this week to do a budget, etc.
My point is he actions these things only when I tell him we should separate and he does them for a short time and returns to his old habits. He is a nice guy, friendly, great with our dogs (no kids) and smart with mechanics and electronics. But it is just we have very different values, goals and lifestyle and he does not communicate. For example he will snap at me when i plead with him to renew his car sticker and he says he knows he should but the snapping is his wall that is up (the anger and resentment) from the affair I had (understandable).
Anyways my suggestion is that I move out temporairily at least until we have some space and work on the individual issues with our therapists as maybe we will appreciate each other more? We have no sex life and as I said, exist in two separate bedrooms in the home. It is a lonely marriage but also, when i think of life without him, it makes me sad and afraid. I am not sure if this is because I have feelings of love for him still or it is just normal human nature. Believe me, thoughts of leaving have been in my mind a long time. Any opinions are welcomed and / or people in similar or who have been in, situations! Thanks!:
Comment