New half sibling and custody disputes

[Berner_Faith]

They are 10 and 9. He wouldn't like week on week off because he would have to pay for daycare due to his shift work. We are 50-50 for weekends right now in the month. His proposal is to keep this but add on extra days for him - only days off though, never working days for him.


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So he has every other weekend and wants a few days during the week? So if he is off Mondays and Wednesdays what is the harm in him having those days? Is it because he would be able to spend time with them and you would have to work? I just don't understand you're reasoning.

You keep saying he only wants his days off but then say you share weekends so EOW... sorry but how are you going to fight this in court when you have zero evidence to support your unwillingness? If he doesn't have week day time how can he help with homework? It really seems that you don't want him to have extra time because you just don't, not because he is a bad dad.

Btw... in my opinion a judge would say the children should be with a parent over a sitter whenever possible. So if dad has a couple days off during the week he should get that time. Not every weekend, share your weekends but what's the harm in him having 2 nights a week?


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[Ange71727]

So he has every other weekend and wants a few days during the week? So if he is off Mondays and Wednesdays what is the harm in him having those days? Is it because he would be able to spend time with them and you would have to work? I just don't understand you're reasoning.

You keep saying he only wants his days off but then say you share weekends so EOW... sorry but how are you going to fight this in court when you have zero evidence to support your unwillingness? If he doesn't have week day time how can he help with homework? It really seems that you don't want him to have extra time because you just don't, not because he is a bad dad.

Btw... in my opinion a judge would say the children should be with a parent over a sitter whenever possible. So if dad has a couple days off during the week he should get that time. Not every weekend, share your weekends but what's the harm in him having 2 nights a week?


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Ok. Not sure you are understanding it. It's a 4 week rotation. He has every other weekend. Plus he has a Monday to Thursday stretch on one of the four weeks. There are a few other patchy days here and there that he is off. These are the ones he wants. Of course I have more homework time. I am talking about the fact that he doesn't do it even when it's his time. I have notebooks filled over the years with my initials in all the reading logs and homework duotangs that come home. He has never once done a project with them. My kids would never even go to him for that because they know he doesn't care as much. This year is the first year since his kids started school that he bothered to join the email correspondence list. But don't worry he makes sure to harass me a few times a year when he f's up and misses something big because I haven't informed him (it is always my fault or anybody else's fault when he does).
Also, I find it mind-boggling that you think I have "zero evidence to support my unwillingness". That certainly isn't true! Have you not been reading some of the things I have told you about him? I honestly feel like I am on an episode of Punk'd right now.....


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[arabian]

I have zero personal experience with child custody matters.

I looked back at your first post on the forum where you stated "I am new to this site and looking for some advice on my situation. My ex agreed 8 years ago to give me 70-30 custody of our two kids. We divorced officially 4 years ago and signed a deal that was pretty good child support wise for him and kept the 70-30 custody arrangement. The support payment agreement expired in march of last year but he did not make the required increase."

I would probably simply respond by requesting CS be recalculated. If there has been no material change of circumstances I do not see how he would be successful in changing custody. You could consider offering him more time with children during summer or perhaps at Spring break? You might be getting ahead of yourself by thinking he is going to try to make you look like a bad parent. That would be a very stupid, and futile thing, for him to do. If your children are doing well in their current custody situation he would have an uphill battle ahead of him to try to change things. He is going about this the wrong way.

So, in summary I would request CS arrears be calculated and CS be properly calculated to reflect your current situation. Later you can make a nice formal offer to settle by forgiving the arrears and offering him more vacation time? I think a person who agrees to a 70/30 custody and then (8 years later) renegs on the agreement shows that it's all simply about the money.

[Ange71727]

I have zero personal experience with child custody matters.

I looked back at your first post on the forum where you stated "I am new to this site and looking for some advice on my situation. My ex agreed 8 years ago to give me 70-30 custody of our two kids. We divorced officially 4 years ago and signed a deal that was pretty good child support wise for him and kept the 70-30 custody arrangement. The support payment agreement expired in march of last year but he did not make the required increase."

I would probably simply respond by requesting CS be recalculated. If there has been no material change of circumstances I do not see how he would be successful in changing custody. You could consider offering him more time with children during summer or perhaps at Spring break? You might be getting ahead of yourself by thinking he is going to try to make you look like a bad parent. That would be a very stupid, and futile thing, for him to do. If your children are doing well in their current custody situation he would have an uphill battle ahead of him to try to change things. He is going about this the wrong way.

So, in summary I would request CS arrears be calculated and CS be properly calculated to reflect your current situation. Later you can make a nice formal offer to settle by forgiving the arrears and offering him more vacation time? I think a person who agrees to a 70/30 custody and then (8 years later) renegs on the agreement shows that it's all simply about the money.

PRECISELY!
Everything you have said here is exactly what I have done. I responded by telling him that he was overdue to recalculate CS. Then I told my lawyer that if he wanted to push the matter, I was willing to negotiate with him exactly as you say - forgive the arrears (10 months worth), give a little extra time in the summer, split march break (he's already come asking for the first time ever and I agreed to split it completely in half with him) and maybe even give him a flat rate daycare payment (right now it's based on percentage). You may be right that I am being overly anxious about what he intends to "use" on me in court; however the event I referenced earlier where he fabricated and emailed details to me about me allegedly making a scene in front of my son at a doctor's office is not the only time he has made up stuff and put it down in writing. Either he is becoming unhinged or he is trying to establish that I am a bad parent somehow.
His definition of material change in circumstances is that he was renovating this whole time (5 or 6 years) but now it's done and a great family home. The kids have lived there comfortably throughout the whole time he's owned the house though so nothing has actually changed. He got a girlfriend though. Is that a material change in circumstance?


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[arabian]

pshaw.... nothing new except he finished up one hobby (home reno) and found a new one (girlfriend). The new hobby is likely high-maintenance and the two have calculated their savings if he decided to become 50/50. Always about the money.

[Ange71727]

pshaw.... nothing new except he finished up one hobby (home reno) and found a new one (girlfriend). The new hobby is likely high-maintenance and the two have calculated their savings if he decided to become 50/50. Always about the money.

Most likely. She is apparently nice to my kids so that's all that matters to me but yes these are my sentiments exactly. She appears to be quite high maintenance just from some things I've heard.
The topic of 50-50 is obviously very polarizing. I have read lots of articles and research both supporting and also suggesting otherwise. However, I am the one living this story with this guy as co-parent and when the main motivation is money it is pretty hard to think that it's going to end up being in the kids' best interests.


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[arabian]

Are you children doing well in school? Are your children healthy and active in extracurricular activities? Any mental-health issues?

Judges generally don't want to make changes if children are thriving and doing well in their current situation. I doubt this matter would make it to court. Would your ex be able to afford the lawyer through the case conference stage and trial? So I think your decision comes down to whether or not you want the children to spend more time with their father. I think that once you stand your ground about finances and his lawyer gives him a reality check (this is when we hope your ex has a competent lawyer) the push for 50-50 may very well go away as the girlfriend probably doesn't want increased time with your children without the money. Take note on here (forum) of all the strategies the men go through to get 50/50. If your ex offers to take the kids more with no change in CS I'd make sure he puts it in writing because you can be sure he will follow up his newfound interest in parenting with a motion to change. Although, if a change in custody works for you after a trial period then that's ok too. Your ex may not have a good track record of involvement in children's academics but there is no reason why he couldn't make positive changes/improvement. Something to seriously consider.

[rockscan]

Regardless of what your agreement says, child support is to be updated when his income changed. He should have been sharing all updated income information on a regular basis.

If you have a lawyer I don't understand why you asked such an odd question about having a sibling being weighted in a custody dispute. Additionally, has he actually filed paperwork or is this just talk/threats?

If you're so worried, start by telling him you want to resolve the cs issues before you consider any changes in custody. This includes providing full income details for the last three years and payment of all cs arrears to date. This way when he does file any paperwork, you have proof that you asked for this and he refused to comply.

If that all gets resolved then you move to suggest a gradual increase in custody with a six month review of activities. For instance, how their school work is being completed, activities he participates in, how the children are faring from the changes, etc. If he has them an increased amount of time and their school work is suffering, he isn't getting them to activities they enjoy and they aren't thriving in his care, you can show the issue with increased custody. However, you have to encourage him to take an active role and it doesn't have to be "supermom" level, it has to be reasonable. As in, they are doing well with their school work with him not they have to get a+ grades in his care at all times. If there is a problem, you have to demonstrate you addressed it satisfactorily. If you go back for a review and you say he failed but then you did nothing to work together, it wont look good, it demonstrates UNREASONABLE behaviour.

You are going to need to build a case regardless of how you feel about it and being a helicopter parent isn't going to help. You're looking like a controlling gate keeper right now and judges hate that.

If your lawyer hasn't suggested any of this then you need a new lawyer. You could be required to pay his legal costs if he wins and you were shown to be unreasonable. Demonstrate reasonableness and that means leaving your feelings about him out of it. What he did to YOU is irrelevant. What he does to the kids is relevant.

[LovingFather32]

In my case, the status quo is 65-35 custody which ex wants increased to 50-50 now after 8 years

An extra 15% of time spent with his kids? I'd say that's reasonable. Unless there is child abuse, neglect or other maladaptive issues occurring during his parenting time, this really shouldn't be a discussion IMO. He's their dad and he's asking to see his children more. And yes if you weer a father coming on here and mom wanted 50/50 I would also encourage the dad to do it. (Unless there was any danger/abuse, etc).

The fact that I am considering it should indicate my comfort level with this man having his kids halftime.

Remember that "this MAN" is their father. He provided half the genetics to make them and you chose him, out of many other men on earth to do so.

Your comfort level is highly subjective and reeks of jealousy (i.e - "He gets the kids more than me because he has flexible hours .. not fair") WHO CARES! That's why you don't want him to have 50/50? Where's the abuse (Rule 24.(4) of the CLRA)? Give us some real reasons why you won't accept it.

I do feel that I can "make an offer"; however, I don't know about 50-50. Why should he be awarded that when he is doing this to save money? I

So it's absolutely impossible that this man wants to see his kids more? Ridiculous.

He isn't abusing them. He isn't hurting them per se. I do think he loves them. I just don't want to lose the arrangement I have

^^^^ This would be perfect for him to bring into court. No abuse, lots of love.....just you not wanting to be flexible and give an equal relationship for whatever reason? I guess because you're mad he'll have the kids more when you're working? Crazy stuff.

This is a guy who told his kids that their new brother isn't really their full brother (true, but not his place) and that nobody is a parent to them except mom and dad (when having a conversation about step dad).

All normal stuff when blended families start out. My D5 began calling step mom "mom", my ex freaked out and let D5 know that she was her only real mom, etc.

This is your reasoning for rejecting a 50/50 relationship? Because he was trying to explain what a step brother/father was? Probably will have to do better than that.

He claims he has a "material change in circumstance" now that he is done renovating his house (a house he has owned for 5 years and has had the kids living comfortably in all this time); however the only thing that has really changed is that he has a girlfriend who keeps him on top of everything and has encouraged him to actually be more involved.This is good but not a MCIS in my opinion.

Actually, a stable home and family unit is a pretty nice material change. Sounds like he's ready for more responsibility. Instead of saying no give it a whirl.

I have had to surreptitiously record my kids telling me things that would prove my "innocence".

Parents talking about the other parent is also a common occurrence...but please remember that children sometimes may not verbalize exactly what they heard .. or they may misinterpret things ... or even hear things while laying in bed (when they'er supposed to be asleep). There's no parental alienation going on, no abuse, no CAS..no nothing.

The WORST move you could make is surreptitiously recording your child to manufacture evidence for yourself. You don't believe me? Try it and see what a judge says.

This isn't a wonderful man...

You don't have to be completely "wonderful" to be a good parent. Are you the most wonderful person in the world?

Do you not see any issue at all with a guy who says "the kids belong with their mother more" when they were 2 and 3 years old, then had 8 years to ask for more time, and now is doing so because a) he has a girlfriend who is content to cook and organize his life for him and b) is mandated to pay more child support because his "deal" expired?

I think it's wonderful that he's moved on, has a home and a family unit for his children. You seem to bring up his g/f an awful lot. I'm starting to sense the jealousy thing again. You're totally afraid that your kids will spend more time with them than you due to work hours, etc. Try to make this more about the kids and not your personal feelings on the matter.

You both think that unless there is no abuse occurring that a dad who basically didn't give a shit is "owed" 50-50? I am under the impression that a judge isn't going to automatically award that just because there is no abuse. From what I have heard in my limited experience, many tend to leave status quo as is.

Guess that depends on his parenting plan and his case in general. If he has spent these years getting ready, now has a nice home, a family, etc...than that's a very good change in circumstance. A judge may look at the 15% increase in parenting time and say yes, calling it a no brainer.

No offence but my friends and family are the ones who have witnessed what he was like before and after divorce.

Good for them. My ex said same thing. You should probably know that judges don't give much weight to what your friends/family think.

I have a lot of reasons for thinking the way I do. I came to this forum for some help with what I am potentially facing. You don't have to help me if you think I'm just "out to get" my ex.

You also have to understand that we usually give our advice based ont he best interests of the children, not on your subjective feeligns towards your ex. I"m still waiting for a poster to come on with a police report, bruises, a pedophile ex husband, etc so that I can say NO 50/50!!! It's just not happening. I'm hearing "Oh he will get more time while I work Wehhh!..."Oh he has a new girlfriend...Wehh". It gets tiring. We get it, you don't like your ex...most of us don't. But you said but yourself...he loves his kids. You chose him. It's a 15% increase in time for god sakes? Seriously?

Ok. I wondered about this anyway and was going to check with my lawyer. It's tricky in a he-said-she-said to prove yourself. But I guess I will have to hope that I can establish the lying pattern without using that.

Nope. "he said/she said" doesn't work and recordings are highly frowned upon. Which is why judges like police reports, CAS reports, DUI's, addiction.....all of which your ex does not have. Like you said...you've had no problems with your "arrangement"..up until he asked for more time...all of a sudden he's some kind of monster.

I honestly don't think and judge would agree that he should get time with them on all his days off and I should have to work and split weekends with him.

Gawd...back to your access entitlement and calculations of minutes spent working vs. alone with kids. This in't the Olympics. Stop competing.

LuLuButtons had a smart reply :

You are right that it's not fair and likely a judge wouldn't agree to it anyways. Tayken has given you MORE than adequate advice on how to handle this situation. Your unwillingness to even consider that schedule (and stop making his problems your problems) implies that this isn't about that. i don't know for sure of course, but I'd also argue that all of your subsequent replies also indicate your unwillingness to consider anything that doesn't work for you.

Totally agree!!!!!

Yes I have more time with them but he has never done the little things like host a party, or speak to teachers or read with them and do projects. I am involved even when they aren't in my house.

Yea yea...he's never once done anything as a father. Really? Never read a book to his child in his life?

Either way, try to focus on the future...he will do all these things.

I feel very strongly about the fact that I am a better parent. I just do.

I'm sure you do. But it doesn't mean that you are. And even if you are...it doesn't render him "bad". Remember that he's been a good enough parent for you to have a child with and to have an arranged schedule of 35% time spending with kids. Your tantrum comes because he's simply asking for the extra %15. It's "impossible" to you that he actually wants to see his kids more. That's crazy to me.

The topic of 50-50 is obviously very polarizing. I have read lots of articles and research both supporting and also suggesting otherwise.

Super excited to see your resources for the "suggesting otherwise" piece. (in the absence of any abuse, neglect, etc).

Thanks.

However, I am the one living this story with this guy as co-parent and when the main motivation is money it is pretty hard to think that it's going to end up being in the kids' best interests.

Only you say his motivation is money. His motivation is probably to see his kids more. He may just be a loving parent and could possibly have a heart.

[Ange71727]

[QUOTE=LovingFather32;215805]An extra 15% of time spent with his kids? I'd say that's reasonable. Unless there is child abuse, neglect or other maladaptive issues occurring during his parenting time, this really shouldn't be a discussion IMO. He's their dad and he's asking to see his children more. And yes if you weer a father coming on here and mom wanted 50/50 I would also encourage the dad to do it. (Unless there was any danger/abuse, etc).


Remember that "this MAN" is their father. He provided half the genetics to make them and you chose him, out of many other men on earth to do so.

Your comfort level is highly subjective and reeks of jealousy (i.e - "He gets the kids more than me because he has flexible hours .. not fair") WHO CARES! That's why you don't want him to have 50/50? Where's the abuse (Rule 24.(4) of the CLRA)? Give us some real reasons why you won't accept it.


So it's absolutely impossible that this man wants to see his kids more? Ridiculous.


^^^^ This would be perfect for him to bring into court. No abuse, lots of love.....just you not wanting to be flexible and give an equal relationship for whatever reason? I guess because you're mad he'll have the kids more when you're working? Crazy stuff.


All normal stuff when blended families start out. My D5 began calling step mom "mom", my ex freaked out and let D5 know that she was her only real mom, etc.

This is your reasoning for rejecting a 50/50 relationship? Because he was trying to explain what a step brother/father was? Probably will have to do better than that.


Actually, a stable home and family unit is a pretty nice material change. Sounds like he's ready for more responsibility. Instead of saying no give it a whirl.


Parents talking about the other parent is also a common occurrence...but please remember that children sometimes may not verbalize exactly what they heard .. or they may misinterpret things ... or even hear things while laying in bed (when they'er supposed to be asleep). There's no parental alienation going on, no abuse, no CAS..no nothing.

The WORST move you could make is surreptitiously recording your child to manufacture evidence for yourself. You don't believe me? Try it and see what a judge says.


You don't have to be completely "wonderful" to be a good parent. Are you the most wonderful person in the world?


I think it's wonderful that he's moved on, has a home and a family unit for his children. You seem to bring up his g/f an awful lot. I'm starting to sense the jealousy thing again. You're totally afraid that your kids will spend more time with them than you due to work hours, etc. Try to make this more about the kids and not your personal feelings on the matter.


Guess that depends on his parenting plan and his case in general. If he has spent these years getting ready, now has a nice home, a family, etc...than that's a very good change in circumstance. A judge may look at the 15% increase in parenting time and say yes, calling it a no brainer.


Good for them. My ex said same thing. You should probably know that judges don't give much weight to what your friends/family think.


You also have to understand that we usually give our advice based ont he best interests of the children, not on your subjective feeligns towards your ex. I"m still waiting for a poster to come on with a police report, bruises, a pedophile ex husband, etc so that I can say NO 50/50!!! It's just not happening. I'm hearing "Oh he will get more time while I work Wehhh!..."Oh he has a new girlfriend...Wehh". It gets tiring. We get it, you don't like your ex...most of us don't. But you said but yourself...he loves his kids. You chose him. It's a 15% increase in time for god sakes? Seriously?


Nope. "he said/she said" doesn't work and recordings are highly frowned upon. Which is why judges like police reports, CAS reports, DUI's, addiction.....all of which your ex does not have. Like you said...you've had no problems with your "arrangement"..up until he asked for more time...all of a sudden he's some kind of monster.


Gawd...back to your access entitlement and calculations of minutes spent working vs. alone with kids. This in't the Olympics. Stop competing.

LuLuButtons had a smart reply :


Totally agree!!!!!


Yea yea...he's never once done anything as a father. Really? Never read a book to his child in his life?




I'm sure you do. But it doesn't mean that you are. And even if you are...it doesn't render him "bad". Remember that he's been a good enough parent for you to have a child with and to have an arranged schedule of 35% time spending with kids. Your tantrum comes because he's simply asking for the extra %15. It's "impossible" to you that he actually wants to see his kids more. That's crazy to me.


Super excited to see your resources for the "suggesting otherwise" piece. (in the absence of any abuse, neglect, etc).

Thanks.






Oh LovingFather32,
Your response made me actually laugh in several spots. I just find it so amusing that someone would profess to know what my husband will or won't do in the future. You already have your mind made up about me but in reality it is me who has to co-parent with him and knows best the actual facts of the situation.
Here are a couple of your gems that I really enjoyed:

"Either way, try to focus on the future...he will do all these things."
I am so glad that you checked your crystal ball and can see that he is going to suddenly do the things that he should have been doing for 8 years. Thanks for the enlightenment!

"Only you say his motivation is money. His motivation is probably to see his kids more. He may just be a loving parent and could possibly have a heart."
Again, thanks for your speculation but a guy who is thousands in arrears, never complied with the other financial aspects of the agreement and had to be sent to FRO suddenly comes asking for his kids more when his support increases? I'll have to agree with Arabian above that a judge is just going to through this. I didn't say he doesn't have a heart. I think the money agenda outweighs the custody agenda but thanks for your opinion.


Super excited to see your resources for the "suggesting otherwise" piece. (in the absence of any abuse, neglect, etc).

You can find anything on the internet to support any stance you want to support. Pro Israel? Lots to find. Pro Trump? Lots to find. Pro 50-50 custody arrangements? Lots there too! There are, believe it or not, people who don't think it best in every situation. Here are a couple:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ysical-custody

http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/07/eq...dy-you-try-it/

I especially agree with the latter one. But I would say that my most significant source would be my Phd Child Psychologist father who supports children are not always best off living equally in two homes and there are many factors besides abuse, neglect and the like that may appear "trivial" in comparison but actually don't end up being.

"Remember that he's been a good enough parent for you to have a child with and to have an arranged schedule of 35% time spending with kids. Your tantrum comes because he's simply asking for the extra %15. It's "impossible" to you that he actually wants to see his kids more"

Of course he was good enough at the time. I married a completely different person! Isn't that kind of the old adage? Not all divorces end up peacefully and without conflict. This marriage ended because of multiple affairs and has been high conflict ever since. He has demonstrated that he has not changed at all. Did you not read the story about what my daughter saw on his phone and then questioned me about? I mean that is just sickening. She gets the message that dad can keep this a secret from gf? What message does my son get? It's ok to treat women like musical chairs?
I know you will focus on this not really being an "issue" but for me it's huge. How many marriages end in divorce nowadays? Excuse me for wanting to do my best to get positive relationship messages to my children.

You tell me that he will be able to prove material change in circumstances because he has a girlfriend now. House hasn't changed. Others have said the judge is going to see his plot is for money since he reneged on the agreement now for 10 months. So which is it? I have also told you that I offered several things to him already. Just not 50-50. You know what? He's likely going to take the deal because money talks. I'll be sure to come back in a few months and update you since you think my ex is such a great guy and is doing this for the kids.





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[rockscan]

My question still stands:

Has he actually filed anything or has he just said he wants it and if you don't give it he will see you in court?

If he has just made the threat then let the rest of this crap go and simply respond with "Before we consider any changes in the current custody arrangement I would like to resolve the outstanding financial issues between us. This includes a review of income changes over the last three years to insure child support has been paid according to the federal guidelines". And then see what he says.

Freaking out about it and attacking a forum of people trying to provide you with what COULD happen is a waste of energy. It doesnt matter what your child psych father or a bunch of magazine articles say. Plenty of dads on here have gone up against allegations from their ex's in court and not only won shared custody but actually walked away with full custody.

Again though, your lawyer will be the best person to tell you what the chances are.

[LovingFather32]

You can go to your .com websites.

I go with caselaw like the following:

In Young v Young [1993] 4 SCR 3, Justice McLachlin emphasised the significance of the maximum contact principle: "…s. 16(10) provides that in making an order, the court shall give effect "to the principle that a child of the marriage should have as much contact with each spouse as is consistent with the best interests of the child." This is significant. It stands as the only specific factor which Parliament has seen fit to single out as being something which the judge must consider. By mentioning this factor, Parliament has expressed its opinion that contact with each parent is valuable, and that the judge should ensure that this contact is maximized."

I also couple this stuff with the actual Divorce Act .. which states:

Section 16(10) of the Divorce Act which states:

Quote:
Maximum Contact

In making an order under this section, the court shall give effect to the principle that a child of the marriage should have as much contact with each spouse as is consistent with the best interests of the child and, for that purpose, shall take into consideration the willingness of the person for whom custody is sought to facilitate such contact.

I could pull up magazine articles that are for 50/50 as well .. but not sure I need to.

My question is .. why not just try it out instead of a big, expensive court battle? Give him the benefit of the doubt and go from there. It's only a 15% increase after all....is it really that big of a deal to you that he doesn't get that equal relationship with the kids?

He's talking the talk.....now let him walk the walk. If you think he's bluffing do what Berner suggested and call his bluff...go 50/50 and see how it goes. It might just surprise you.

Is it more about money for you perhaps? And less so for him? (Perhaps it's you more that you don't want to stop receiving a particular amount.. and less about him paying. Goes both ways). Not sure if you responded to Paris but she asked if you'd be willing to accept 41% time with the kids (just a 6% increase)?

[Ange71727]

My question still stands:

Has he actually filed anything or has he just said he wants it and if you don't give it he will see you in court?

If he has just made the threat then let the rest of this crap go and simply respond with "Before we consider any changes in the current custody arrangement I would like to resolve the outstanding financial issues between us. This includes a review of income changes over the last three years to insure child support has been paid according to the federal guidelines". And then see what he says.

Freaking out about it and attacking a forum of people trying to provide you with what COULD happen is a waste of energy. It doesnt matter what your child psych father or a bunch of magazine articles say. Plenty of dads on here have gone up against allegations from their ex's in court and not only won shared custody but actually walked away with full custody.

Again though, your lawyer will be the best person to tell you what the chances are.

I am not attacking anyone on here. On the contrary, I feel quite attacked myself. I agree that my lawyer is the best person to advise here. From the few days on here I've spent I think it's pretty clear that most of you are pro 50-50. That's fine. My lawyer has actually told me that I have a pretty good case for keeping status quo. I would like to let my kids dictate this, because right now they are happy and healthy and well adjusted. If they want to live with dad more in the future they will tell me and I will oblige because I have to if I am considering what's best. None of you realize that my kids prefer my house. They love their dad but I know my house is their "home base" and I think some kids just need that. There are other things to also don't know - like one of them has anxiety and ADD. This is a whole other thing to factor in. There are many many pieces to the puzzle and I just can't consider someone's opinion credible who says 50-50 is always the only option.

To answer the question though, he has only sent me a proposal to date which I turned down (through my lawyer). Lawyer then sent the notice that he must increase support and settle arrears. He agreed to increase and has starting Jan 1st but refused to pay arrears. My lawyer also told his that we were willing to mediate and had other offers. Haven't heard back. I am almost 90% sure he will accept the offers if we mediate because they are money based. We'll see though. All this lying and slander through email is what suggests to me that he is thinking court. That is why I am on here.


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[Ange71727]

You can go to your .com websites.

I go with caselaw like the following:




I also couple this stuff with the actual Divorce Act .. which states:

I could pull up magazine articles that are for 50/50 as well .. but not sure I need to.

My question is .. why not just try it out instead of a big, expensive court battle? Give him the benefit of the doubt and go from there. It's only a 15% increase after all....is it really that big of a deal to you that he doesn't get that equal relationship with the kids?

He's talking the talk.....now let him walk the walk. If you think he's bluffing do what Berner suggested and call his bluff...go 50/50 and see how it goes. It might just surprise you.

Is it more about money for you perhaps? And less so for him? (Perhaps it's you more that you don't want to stop receiving a particular amount.. and less about him paying. Goes both ways). Not sure if you responded to Paris but she asked if you'd be willing to accept 41% time with the kids (just a 6% increase)?

If the courts or lawyers or psychologists or whoever decide that maximum contact is the best option all the time in every case, then why are parent not mandated to go 50-50 right from the start? In my case I didn't have a fight for it - he didn't want to have them half time because he thought the kids were better off with me. He said that! I think it's absolute crap that any parent, mom or dad, can decide how much time they are WILLING to do and then expect increases whenever they wish. I am not an unreasonable person. If this was amicable and we were working together and he was showing me that he's a good dad; if the kids were telling me that they feel deprived of seeing their father; if I felt at all for a second that the status quo was in need of change - I would not for a second hesitate to change things. This is not what I feel in my case. I have said it before and will reiterate again, it is not about money for me. My offers to him I referred to above mostly all have to do with reducing things for him.


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[mcdreamy]

Meh, I think some posters get wrapped up in agendas and the best interests of parents, as opposed to best interests of the child, which does not always necessarily mean 50-50 for each family.

Just to confirm – you have an existing order, or a written agreement? Does it include a material change clause? From what you have posted, your ex hasn’t met the requirement of a material change in circumstances in order to bring a successful motion to vary, so his lawyer letters are just an attempt to bully. There are quite a few Ontario law blogs that define material change, you can review and familiarize yourself – but basically if the kiddos are doing well and you aren’t inhibiting current parental access, any motion to vary would likely be a no-starter without a material change.

If the ex can convince a judge there has been a material change (unlikely, ex is relying on a home renovation for his motion? (oi vey!)), then in answer to your question, the Court considers the child’s needs and circumstances, so yes other siblings may be a factor, the kidlets’ desires (10 and 9?-- Soon) and, of course, your status quo most definitely is. You should review the Children’s Law Reform Act, which sets out the considerations a Court will make in their determination.

Fwiw, you haven’t really posted any serious concerns about your ex’ parenting skills. How far away is this newly renovated house? – is it in kids neighborhood, the kids school zone? You seem inclined to increase summer/march break access for them – I think that could be a good thing for them if you can both coparent. And I also think parenting is more about quality, than quantity, so perhaps consider gradual increase, and let the ex step up to the plate. Eventually, the kids will walk with their own feet – yes, teenagers are just THAT much fun.